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Thread: The good news is i can dress whenever I want now...

  1. #26
    Junior Member Emeraude's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MelanieAnne View Post
    Congradulations! Your life is now ultimatum free! You can now do what you want, when you want, if you want. You can spend your money as you see fit, buy anything you want, without permission. You can hang your fem clothes in the closet, and put your shoes under the bed, and not hide anything. And you'll probably live a little longer without the stress of hiding, or denying yourself the pleasure of dressing when you feel like it, and putting up with ultimatums.
    All that is true, for the most part. Our 22 year old son still lives with me but he tells me he absolutely does not care what I wear, and has seen me dressed. Our 25 year old daughter comes over to work at our home office several days a week and is not ready to see me dressed.

    On the other hand, I have lost much of my relationship with the woman who has been my best friend for more than half my life. It's bittersweet "victory". We have been talking lately though, and I believe that it is possible for us to resurrect the friendship over time.

    Quote Originally Posted by UNDERDRESSER View Post
    One wonders what she thinks now? Have the kids told her, that it doesn't bother them?

    I wonder if that can make her reconsider?
    They have told her, and I have also let her know that they are keeping with their "I don't care" attitude. I'm sure that threw her off, but I don't believe she'll reconsider. I'll talk about that in my general reply post.

    Quote Originally Posted by PaulaQ View Post
    @Underdresser

    Just remember this simple phrase to explain any unaccepting person's attitude about us:
    It's all about them - it's never about you, nor anyone else

    It is really just that simple.

    @Emeraude - I am happy for your newfound freedom to express yourself. I'm sincerely sorry for the loss of your relationship. I've been through that, and it's just awful.
    You're right, Paula. It is awful. No matter how depressed I was because I had to suppress who I was, that was only the last 8 years, and we've had a 34 year life together. I still love her, and losing her, even for the time being, as a friend, is truly awful.

    Thank you all for your kind words and support. It is really a comfort to me. There are a few things I wanted to clear up. First, my wife and I have struggled with my crossdressing for about 8 years, ever since it suddenly manifested itself, and she, shortly after, caught me wearing her clothes when I thought she was asleep. She tried really, really hard to accept it. Over the years, we had swings back and forth, where we would agree to some arrangements, and then i would push the limits, then she would pull back. Three years ago she made me promise to quit and purge, or she would divorce me, so I did. Of course, I couldn't keep that promise. This past year, we made a new agreement where I would go away twice a year and dress, but that's all. The Fantasia Fair trip was far more than she bargained for, however. When she went on their site and saw the workshops on transitioning, and developing a woman's voice and walk, etc., she became convinced I was going to transition, and that was the last straw.

    Based on all that, I'm certain she won't reconsider. On top of that, I haven't been happy in my marriage for years, and she knows that, although I've soft-pedaled that. I really want our marriage to end. That doesn't keep me from being very sad about the loss of a relationship that has been one of the most important things in my life.

    I don't know where my male/female balance is going to end up. Unfortunately, the education and self-exploration I was experiencing at Fan Far were interrupted by all this, and the chaos after I've gotten home has kept me from any real self-examination. This is going to take some time. In the meantime, I'm looking for more opportunities to go out en femme. I'm already planning on Esprit next year, and I'm starting to reach out to my sisters in San Diego and elsewhere in Southern California.

    I really don't know what the future holds, but I'm sure it'll be interesting!

    Quote Originally Posted by nancybali View Post
    Wish you the best (and you are a very pretty gal). Nancy
    Thanks, Nancy! And isn't hearing things like that one of the best things about crossdressing?

    Quote Originally Posted by Tracii G View Post
    Just keep balance in your life between the girl and guy side.
    That's key, Tracii, I agree. One of the things I've tried to explain to her is that I have no plan to give up being a man. It's going to take me some time to find out where the balance is, though.

    Quote Originally Posted by Jackie7 View Post
    Emeraude, roughly the same thing happened to me back in 2001 after 30+ years married, and after I went to Fanfair despite my then-wife's fierce disapproval. The resulting upheaval was devastating and it took four years of counseling and trying to make it all work before we finally divorced in 2005. Along the way my three grown kids each took their own predictable stances: one called it too much information, one stopped speaking to me for a couple of years, and one bought me pretty scarves for Christmas. And by 2010 I had met, wooed and married my second wife, who loves the crossdress side of me and fully participates in both shopping and stepping out. My kids have all come around to be OK with me as I am, and I couldn't be happier.
    I hope it all works out as well for you. Be true to yourself, and I believe that it will.
    Jackie, congratulations on finding an accepting woman and building a life with her! I'm sure I'll be able to do that some day as well, and your story gives me confidence that I can.
    Last edited by Katey888; 11-07-2014 at 05:46 AM. Reason: Consecutive posts merged - please use edit post to add to existing post rather than adding a successive post...
    --Emeraude

  2. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amy Lynn3 View Post
    The way I look at your situation, along with many others...it is there (wives) loss. They give up good husbands and fathers, just because they can't control every aspect of the husband.
    So true. And this happens in a world where many women complain about men being *******s and players.
    Very often the rejected CD happens to be a faithful husband, great father and a financial provider.

  3. #28
    Junior Member Emeraude's Avatar
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    My wife readily admits I've been an excellent husband and father for 34 years. She just can't handle this part of me despite years of trying. Just goes to show how really big an issue this can be for women.
    Last edited by Lorileah; 11-08-2014 at 12:02 AM. Reason: no need to quote post above yours

  4. #29
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    so happy for you, now you can be who you truly are, with no problems from a wife, you and everyone so deserves that. Your children will accept you as their love is unconditional. it is different for a wife. She is probably happy now ( I hope) and I can so tell that you are. very nice

  5. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by Emeraude View Post
    My wife readily admits I've been an excellent husband and father for 34 years. She just can't handle this part of me despite years of trying. Just goes to show how really big an issue this can be for women.
    It's itonic - considering how many women stick around and tolerate so-called "real" men who then run around cheating with other women, getting drunk with the boys and partying and gambling. A real man is faithful to his wife, is a good father and a provider.

  6. #31
    Aspiring Member MelanieAnne's Avatar
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    Two more thoughts. I can't think of a good reason to ever dress in front of your kids, even if they know. I've always tried to be "Dad' to my kids, and always will. There's no way I would ever let them see me in a dress.
    And secondly, "best friends" don't issue ultimatums. I would always be amenable to working things out, but not after an ultimatum. An ultimatum is simply "My way or the highway", and indicates a refusal to negotiate or compromise.

  7. #32
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    I've only glanced over this thread but sounds like a good one to share with the younger girls in the forum? I am...I think (having only come out recently ) fortunate that my wife is accepting of me as I am but it would lead to a serious train wreck if not, I was heading full speed to that end myself which is is why I HAD to come out!

  8. #33
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
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    I always feel for people when they cant make it together in life, but sometimes it is for the best.
    I hope you and your children can share a more open relationship now and you can live the life you want.
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

  9. #34
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    I went back and read some of your older postings; re-introduction and comments concerning a somewhat encouraging acceptance of you by your wife. One can never feel safe or comfortable. As I have seen many times before a wife may change her mind and do a complete 180 on the subject. You stated, and, I wthink I am iof a similar mind, that we understand the angst cross dressing may cause a wife. Even if we shield all vestiges of cross dressing there is always that nagging feeling that he is no longer the person I married. What I can never accept is ultimatums to get one's way. It seems your wife played her trump card and she lost. I'm glad your children have accepted you. If you have been a loving and caring and supportive father that should carry a lot of weight on how they view you. I definitely agree with the comments that a lot of the problem is really "It all about them."

    Frankly, I just wouldn't move her clothing downstairs. I'd mail them to her.

  10. #35
    Claire Claire Cook's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Emeraude View Post
    My wife readily admits I've been an excellent husband and father for 34 years. She just can't handle this part of me despite years of trying. Just goes to show how really big an issue this can be for women.

    Whenever we see a post like this it is so touching. Those of us who have understanding wives / SO's really can't appreciate how difficult this is -- not only for us, but for the women involved. You did mention that you hadn't been happy in your marriage for years -- was it just the CD'ing, or were other things involved?

    Hard as this may be, it sounds like a liberating moment for you. I hope it works out for the best.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] Proud member of the Lacey Leigh Fan Club

  11. #36
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    Quote Originally Posted by Claire Cook View Post
    Whenever we see a post like this it is so touching. Those of us who have understanding wives / SO's really can't appreciate how difficult this is -- not only for us, but for the women involved. You did mention that you hadn't been happy in your marriage for years -- was it just the CD'ing, or were other things involved?

    Hard as this may be, it sounds like a liberating moment for you. I hope it works out for the best.
    No, it wasn't just the crossdressing. There was something about our relationship that made me feel a lack of power over my own life. This is something I've been exploring with my counselor. It's actually something I've been able to talk about with my wife since this happened. As the days have gone by, she has calmed down quite a bit, and we have been able to talk on the phone. We're at the point now of acceptance of the loss of the marriage (something I've, honestly, wanted for years) and are talking about being able to keep our friendship.

    She really is a wonderful woman, and she has been trying for years to make the CD'ing work for her, she just can't. For me, it's just some of her control issues that have made our marriage difficult. I'm relieved that I am being liberated from all that. I would never have ended our marriage on my own. I think, deep down inside, she knew all this and she took the necessary step. She's very intuitive.

    It doesn't keep me from being sad about also leaving behind a relationship that did have its very good points for over three decades.
    --Emeraude

  12. #37
    Platinum Member Angie G's Avatar
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    Glad your doing so well with this. It's great your kids are okey with rhe dressing. Love the pic in the pink dress hun.
    Angie

  13. #38
    Junior Member Emeraude's Avatar
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    Thanks. The kids (the three youngest, that still live here in San Diego) have been amazing. They keep inviting me out to do things with them--getting me out of the house and expanding my horizons. None of them seem bothered at all by my CD'ing.

    There's a story behind that dress (which is actually red, not pink like it looks in the picture). Nicole Renee, who's a member here, has a hair/makeup salon in Massachusetts that is very trans-friendly. When she saw my Fan Fair post she invited me to model this dress for her, because she is starting to carry a clothing line. Not only did she do my hair and makeup for the fashion show, she gave me the dress and the amazing petticoat you see peeking out underneath! The dress is a double-knit, but lighter weight, and it fits like it was made for me. Nicole is a very sweet woman, and great to work with. We're working on getting some more pics of me in the dress and I'll post them here if we do.
    --Emeraude

  14. #39
    Sallee Sallee's Avatar
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    That is good news but not so good. Obviously it falls on your wife to accept and she will need counseling on that one and even then there is no guarantee she'll ever accept. My wife is kind of like that at one point very accepting and then as things continued it was less and less. Now are relationship is fine but my CDing is kind of a DADT type which I don't really like although I don't mind being closeted and keeping a secret I do bring it up once and awhile and she would rather not hear it. I really don't mind it since I kind of like secrets and she will usually know when I dress. I have an offsite locker here is SD which allows 24 hr access and is set up for CDers it works fine for me although I do miss some dressing time occasionally. But with that said I think I'll go dress for the afternoon. Also on the good side this kind of relation ship helps keep my dressing in check because as you probably know it can become addicting if you let it get out of hand
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Sallee

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    Unfortunately, the phrase "No Pain, No Gain" does come true too frequently.

    Just remember that the past is the past. We can't undo it and we can't fix it. We can only utilized that which we learned and apply it to now and into the future...

  16. #41
    Aspiring Member MelanieAnne's Avatar
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    By your posts, your wife sounds controlling. Perhaps, if it wasn't the CDing, it would have been something else. Maybe with a couple weeks to herself, she may rethink the whole issue. The phone doesn't ring much for 60 year old women.

  17. #42
    Junior Member Emeraude's Avatar
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    I'm starting to think more about the "good news" part. One part is that I can stay completely shaved, something my wife would never tolerate. When I was shaving off my body hair getting ready for Fan Fair I had an incredible feeling of liberation--like I was shearing off this fur coat that was somehow a symbol of oppression. (Dramatic, and unfair, I know, but still....). I go out in shorts now, not caring whether anybody notices my shaved legs. I went dress shopping today and wasn't worried at all about whether the other women thought anything about it. I can wear one of my nighties out of my collection every night, along with my breast forms and go downstairs and get coffee still dressed like that. I dress at home whenever the mood strikes me (unless one of my daughters is over; they haven't said that they are ready for that.) I bought myself an anklet today, just a little gift for myself, and I didn't have to sneak it into the house an put it into my secret stash, I put it in the jewelry holder I have hanging openly in my closet, along with my name badge from Fan Fair. And can sit here and post to this site openly, whenever i fee like it.

    Femme lib is great!
    --Emeraude

  18. #43
    Junior Member Emeraude's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MelanieAnne View Post
    By your posts, your wife sounds controlling. Perhaps, if it wasn't the CDing, it would have been something else. Maybe with a couple weeks to herself, she may rethink the whole issue. The phone doesn't ring much for 60 year old women.
    She may rethink the whole issue, but I really want out of this marriage, so I'm not going to cooperate with that.
    --Emeraude

  19. #44
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    Quote Originally Posted by Emeraude View Post
    When I was shaving off my body hair getting ready for Fan Fair I had an incredible feeling of liberation--like I was shearing off this fur coat that was somehow a symbol of oppression. (Dramatic, and unfair, I know, but still....).
    Oh honey, that is not dramatic and unfair at all. Facial and body hair was incredibly triggering for my gender dysphoria. (It still is - a year later, I'm still working on getting rid of all this horrible, horrible stuff, but by god, it will be GONE.)

    I felt that getting out of my "man-suit" was like taking off a prison uniform. I literally felt like I was being given a brief furlough from solitary confinement after years in a sunless cell.

    Any relationship where you can't honestly be yourself is just not one that is right for the both of you. That is hard to hear, but it's the truth, I'm afraid.

  20. #45
    Just a touch of class Lynn Marie's Avatar
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    I'm with MelanieAnne here. Trust me, you absolutely don't have to be married! I answer to no man, or woman for that matter, and it's the best feeling in the world for me. Sure I'd love to find my dream girl, but I'm finding as time passes she is me! Welcome to the wonderful world of independent manhood, or womanhood whichever you want to be today.

  21. #46
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    It is never easy to think of what to say to someone who is going through divorce. Saying sorry might be met with "this is all good". I think I'll leave it at the fact that you seem as if you have come to terms with what has happened and that it is for the best.

    Quote Originally Posted by Emeraude View Post
    My wife readily admits I've been an excellent husband and father for 34 years. She just can't handle this part of me despite years of trying. Just goes to show how really big an issue this can be for women.
    Aside from the personal sharings, I think this is the most important point you have made. A woman who has 30+ years invested in marriage cannot make such decisions to end a relationship lightly. There is fear for the future, both financially and the prospect of being alone. She may have made a power play with the ultimatum, thinking she would prevail but ended up losing.

    Sometimes you have to look out for number one and it sounds as if you are very clear-headed about this whole thing rather than someone who is single-mindedly wrapped up by a new-found freedom (despite the title of this thread ). Best of luck to you.
    Like a corpse deep in the earth I'm so alone, restless thoughts torment my soul, as fears they lay confirmed, but my life has always been this way - Virginia Astley, "Some Small Hope" (1986)
    Sunlight falls, my wings open wide. There's a beauty here I cannot deny - David Sylvian, "Orpheus" (1987)

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