First time to a support group - Disappointing

[annecwesley]

I went to an open house at a support group. It was the first time I went to any sort of gathering with other crossdressers. I sent a note ahead of time and mentioned that I have a beard. "You would be unusual, but I think everyone would be accepting". When I got to the meeting there was one person "femulating" (in jeans) and and two folks in drab. When the one who was dressed said there was a changing room if I wanted to change (I brought a bag with my clothes and breastforms) I asked, out of courtesy, if the beard would bother anyone. One of the drab "gurls" said (rather gruffly) "Only this one time". Well that sounded like my wife when I want do dress when the kids are gone for the day. I could not have possibly been comfortable dressed up at that point, I did not come there to be "elephant in the room". So I sat and chatted with the three of them for a little while (out of courtesy) and went back to my motel room, where I could be comfortable (and alone) dressed up.

I feel like starting a club for "Crossdressers" - guys who like to wear woman's clothing (including the ones who can't or don't want to try to pass).

I did enjoy a drive though and some shopping skirted (a long kilt to conceal the hosiery and lingerie I was wearing underneath ) - as a guy.

[Maria 60]

It always good to hear someone's point of view on support groups, I have been thinking of looking for one in my city, but always don't know what to expect. Thanks.

[Katey888]

I'm sorry for your experience Anne..

I'm struggling with how that comprises 'support' in anyone's world...??!?! Especially with the majority being in drab as well...

The nature of a support group should not be about passing or not... or am I just being old-fashioned? Speaking as someone who does dress to emulate, I personally would not have any issues with anyone dressed however they felt comfortable attending a support group. I think they're missing something, but perhaps just consider it their loss of diversity and a companionable soul...

How rude, unsupportive and unaccepting!

Katey x

[Teresa]

Anne,
Sorry it went badly for you, I'm sure you'll find other groups friendlier if you need to get out for support !
The issue of the beard is a tricky one, some previous threads have dealt with the subject. Some say it's your body present it as you choose, others say beards are incompatible with presenting female .
I see it as it confusing people, you want to dress and present female and yet you want to appear macho with a beard ! The general public are going to be confused by your message and some CDers are going to take exception to it for undermining their attempts to want to pass as female, when you look as if you're taking the **** !
Sorry I'm biased, I didn't get on with my father and he hid his aggression behind his beard !! Maybe the member who made the comment had the same experience !

[annecwesley]

Anne,
Sorry it went badly for you, I'm sure you'll find other groups friendlier if you need to get out for support !
The issue of the beard is a tricky one, some previous threads have dealt with the subject. Some say it's your body present it as you choose, others say beards are incompatible with presenting female .

But "crossdressing" means dressing in the clothing of the opposite sex, not "presenting female" when you're really a male.

I see it as it confusing people, you want to dress and present female and yet you want to appear macho with a beard !

I don't wear a beard to look macho (and not every guy wearing a beard does so to look macho) and I would shave it off if my wife was agreeable to my doing so. I want to wear female clothing and sometime emulate a female to whatever degree I can.

The general public are going to be confused by your message and some CDers are going to take exception to it for undermining their attempts to want to pass as female, when you look as if you're taking the **** !

That was the funny thing. I felt more comfortable on my trip as a guy in a skirt in the general public than as a bearded crossdresser at a crossdressers' club. And you lost me on "as if you're taking the **** ".

Sorry I'm biased, I didn't get on with my father and he hid his aggression behind his beard !!

I'm not your father.

[Teresa]

Anne,
My reply was not meant to be offensive only trying to make the point that others have encountered problems when dressed with a beard !It's a confusing message, the public struggle with CDers but presenting with a beard is just too confusing !
MM had a problem and made the point that's how he wanted to be accepted , take it or leave it ! If you have to go out and defend yourself like that is it worth it ?
Some Cders do take exception when they have spent so much time and money to pass and someone comes along in a dress with a beard , they will ask are you taking the mickey!! I don't agree with that but surely you can see the point !

No I know your not my father, he's dead now !!

[Paula_56]

I never had luck with support groups, I never fit in, I found one other transgender friends met for lunch endrab, grew along with them joined them gong out eventually, just a friend for support, also getting a therapist just to talk to was VERY important

[mykell]

hi anne,
there is support, i started this after a member made a comment about someones beard,

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...sser-dang-rant
the support was here, this is the other thread Teresa mentioned....

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...fortable/page2

so im glad you felt good about yourself while out shopping, presently im sporting a beard and have tried on clothes in the stores in male mode, (have a thread in photo section)
sometimes you just have to be yourself.....

[Andy66]

Too bad about the support group. Theyre not for everyone (myself included), and seem to have more than their fair share of people with issues as members. Hopefully a different type of group will work better for you.

[Kate Simmons]

I had a hard time getting the folks in my group to do outings or anything so I left to develop on my own. I've never regretted that decision. Groups are good in that they help to break the ice and there is safety in numbers but bad in the sense of addressing the needs of the individual. In the end you are basically left on your own anyway. Progress is really up to us.

[Krisi]

Just what is a "support group"? A bunch of people to tell you you look hot or tell you "poor baby" when you talk about your problems?

I've never been to a support group and I wouldn't go if I knew of one. I don't feel like I need support, I can handle life on my own.

Now as for your experience with this group, you found out that some people don't like to see a guy dressed as a woman but with a beard. The classic "dude in a dress". Well, there are people like that. Just because someone staps on a pair of boobs and a wig doesn't change their feelings.

You learned something that night. Move on and put the experience behind you.

[Ressie]

Showing up with beard and skirt at a support group should be OK. Although it would be a bit shocking to the majority that are attempting to pass, you should be accepted with open arms. However, if members of the group decided to go out somewhere, a bearded CD in the group would draw too much negative attention IMO.

[HollyTV]

I gave up on support groups a long time ago. Why? Because I found that most of them are not as open and accepting as you would think they would be (especially for a group of guys who like to dress like women!). In my experience, while there may be one or two people that are supportive, once you get the group dynamics going, then you have the same politics, the same cliques, the same type of backstabbing that goes on in any other group, which was just not what I was looking for. So instead, I would suggest trying to connect with one person that you got along with, build up that relationship and then perhaps over time expand your circle of friends. This way, you end up building your own support group and don't have to be subject to the rules and whims of a more formal organization.

[BillieAnneJean]

Blanket statements about support groups is like blanket statements about CDers. Once we say “all” or "most" or infer that they are all similar, the statement becomes invalid.

Groups like CDers vary widely in their intentions. I have attended a few groups. I found them to be quite different from each other. Some were supportive and run by kind and compassionate people. Others were more a beauty contest.

Our Group, “The Grand Illusions” should not be thrown in the laundry nor should the other groups. We have a monthly get together we call our OUTing. This is for those who are “passable” for a reason. If you are going OUT Enfemme then you should attempt to be the best presentation that nature and finances allow. Now I am no beauty queen and most of my wardrobe comes from GWs, but that does not preclude me from being “passable”. I just have to present appropriately and do a decent job. Some of the other girls in our Group were blessed by genes with more easily brought out feminine features so they can get ready faster and look more realistic when they are finished. Some are pretty, some are not. But all are believable to some extent, not obviously a guy in a dress. This “pass”ability is more a safety issue than an appearance one. If it was not, most of us wouldn’t bother with all the work to do the best we can. But by “passing” we cause enough doubt that the person passing buy loses interest in the usual 6.942 seconds that they can stay away from their texting. Before they can break away from the next text, they have already lost interest in us. If we go OUT like a pipe fitter in a dress then there is no doubt and the casual observer can make a decision and react with certainty. Give them some doubt and they typically choose to not take the risk or bother.

Our Group also has an IN meeting each month. This is for those who can not “pass”, those who will not go OUT Enfemme, those who do not desire to “pass” or go OUT, newbies, and CDers still in the closet. It is also attended by CDers who can pass. Like the OUT event, we have places for them to transform if they need to arrive and/or depart in guy mode. We frequently get new people who arrive in tears. They are tears of joy to finally find a place where they are accepted. I have had to hold weeping CDers and tell them that this is not bank robbing, we are not perverts. We do provide understanding, compassion, a place to be comfortable, a place other than home to be enfemme, and acceptance. The meeting is very informal. Mostly a gab session. We share methods, experiences, and shopping tips. There is no pecking order other than who got the coolest shoes or outfit for the least piece at which thrift store. Yes some better off girls do buy expensive dresses and wigs and shoes. But the emphasis is not on who has the biggest budget. It is on the fun and camaraderie. Because we all need each other regardless of genes or wealth. And we do have guys come with beards. That is exactly what the IN meeting is about, acceptance and a safe place for those who do not “pass”. There is no hierarchy.

So groups are not all created equal. Like people. So let’s not lump them all together. You are doing a disservice to those reading these threads if you post negative comments as applying to all groups. If you cause someone to not find the comfort or help they need, then their unnecessary sadness is on your shoulders. I try to keep my posts and threads positive, my CDing presence positive, because I want to help other CDers to be free of the negativity that society places on what we do.

If you can’t find a group like you want, start one. That is the beauty of these United States. We can do that. I did it.

I am having SUCH FUN with this! And privileged to be helping others too!

http://www.crossdressersmichigan.com

[Melanie B]

Anne, I never had as much guts as you! I used to use my beard as a way to help me suppress my urge to CD, because it almost forced me to stay indoors. But we are all different. I can understand why a group of CDs who are out together and expecting/hoping to blend might not welcome you, but I can't see any justification for that reaction at a support group.

Just what is a "support group"? A bunch of people to tell you you look hot or tell you "poor baby" when you talk about your problems?

I've never been to a support group and I wouldn't go if I knew of one. I don't feel like I need support, I can handle life on my own....

Again, we are all different. I joined a face-to-face support group for exactly the same reason as I joined this on-line support group -- because I needed help in understanding and coming to terms with CDing and advice about "coming out" from others who had trod that path before me.
I found both groups welcoming and helpful.

[Sarasometimes]

I have never had the urge to go to a CD support group or even to meet up with others from here. I want to be out and about when I dress not in a private meeting discussing why we can't be out and about. I also think that 2 CD'ers will attract more attention than just me trying to blend.

[Nicole Erin]

You have to take TG support groups on a case by case basis.
I have been to meetings for three very different ones in my life and here is how that went -

One of them everyone was cool but the hostess was kind of a pain in the butt.
One of them seemed very much like a clique. Felt alone in a crowded room. Never again to meet them.
One of them doesn't judge anyone and doesn't mind how anyone cares to dress. Come as you are.

For the CD's who do not get to do this very much and who have to hide, I can imagine it pretty much bites to find a TG group and think, "Alright! A group for people like myself, finally get to dress and not have to hide!" but then find out the group is some clique with weird standards.

You shouldn't just write off all TG groups as being the way you saw. It is also possible that you had the misfortune of talking to the group's PITA, every circle has one. Even the better TG groups have that one member who is just a snide-ass.

[Momarie]

I think you are wonderful to be so thoughtful of your wife.

I adore a "macho" man.
I've always seen myself as exaggerated femininity, so I appreciate masculinity.
I like to nestle into a broad hairy chest, the caress of soft whiskers on my cheek and feel the strength of a man.

I never had a problem with the panties and nighties everyday, it made him happy and I loved him, so of course I wanted him to feel happy and be cozy and comfortable.

I think you have a handle on this, that most women could live with.
You defend yourself as masculine as much as feminine.

[Dianne S]

I'm lucky... in my city there is a great transgender group, but I wouldn't call it a support group. It's more like a social group. We have monthly potluck suppers with usually 20-30 attendees, monthly dinner outings at restaurants with anywhere from 3-15 attendees and a really excellent Christmas party.

Like some others, I don't really need support, but I do like going out en femme and having a good time, and I like meeting other trans people in a social situation. Maybe the original poster needs to keep looking for a group more like that.

[Tina B.]

And who in the “The Grand Illusions” is the arbitrator of who passes, and who doesn't pass. I think that is what we are talking about, "judgmental". If you want to play on a team, you have to follow the team rules, some groups only allow heterosexuals, some groups insist everyone dress, others don't care. Then there are groups like The Grand Illusions that don't want to be seen in public with you unless you meet their standards of appearance, and that is why so many of us have never belonged to a support group, I want support for my needs, not the groups needs.

[BillieAnneJean]

And who in the “The Grand Illusions” is the arbitrator of who passes, and who doesn't pass. I think that is what we are talking about, "judgmental". If you want to play on a team, you have to follow the team rules, some groups only allow heterosexuals, some groups insist everyone dress, others don't care. Then there are groups like The Grand Illusions that don't want to be seen in public with you unless you meet their standards of appearance, and that is why so many of us have never belonged to a support group, I want support for my needs, not the groups needs.

Tina B.
You make a statement that we do not want to be seen in public with whatever. And you accuse me of being the arbitrator. Both with no data to back it up. You are SO wrong!

We do not have to decide who can “pass”, the individuals decide for themselves if they pass. All but one anyway. They know their comfort level and abilities to pass, or they underestimate their ability to pass. So the opposite of your accusation is true.

I find the regular members to be kind, compassionate, encouraging, welcoming, helpful, inclusive, and understanding. All characteristics I wish were in greater supply everywhere CDers go to find support from each other.

We spend NO time having to tell anyone they do not pass, other than the one glaring exception. The only person I had to convince that he was not "passable" was the guy that showed up at his first OUTing. He was complete with a white FuManchu beard with beads braided in and sheer panties which he was flashing at everyone. This was his first and last OUTing with The Group. Nothing like this has happened before or since.

But I do understand your assuming the worst and passing judgment with no data to back it up. That seems to be the trend now days. It would have been more ladylike to ASK how we handled things than to assume the worst and make a false statement (Not wanting to be seen in public....) as information coming from me. Assuming the worst, did you become the arbitrator yourself? We are all dealing with fragile souls here, we should be kind to each other, not judgmental. Kindness is how we deal with any problems in The Group. Someday someone else will be the Facilitator and I hope to leave an atmosphere of compassion and kindness that seems to be sorely lacking elsewhere.

No we do not have to tell anyone they do not pass. With one glaring exception.

I try to be positive and helpful in my posts and threads but I gotta tell you, these kinds of accusations, misquotes, and saying things were said that are not the case sure makes me wonder why I try.

I am STILL having so much fun WITH THE GROUP! So THERE!
Billie

[charlenesomeone]

The interview for my group stated no hair, or covered hair. That is this groups policy.
Did your group advise you before hand? If a group has a set policy, the individual must decide
if they want to join.
Glad you had a good outing anyway.

[LilSissyStevie]

I agree with Groucho Marx. I don't want to belong to any club that would accept people like me as a member.

[annecwesley]

This was an "open House". I wasn't looking to join the group or go out on the town dressed like Conchita Wurst in the tow of a bunch of "passable" trannies.

The group's website declares:

"Stop by for our Tuesday Open House for face to face chat, free munchies, and a relaxed environment to get to know others in low-key, no pressure, transgender friendly environment.

Come en femme or simply dressed as a guy.

We have a dressing room and you are very welcome to bring your things and dress there. Or stay dressed as a guy. It’s all fine by us as all of us have started in the same place! We are very informal and mostly sit around talking with soft drinks."

The group sponsors an event every year. I had a mind to go, but I'd probably feel more comfortable in a skirt at the local sports bar.

[Mink]

how ironic...

groups of people who the mainstream consider to be dressing unacceptably declare others who come to them to be Doing It Wrong / not following the RULES or expectations!

can they not see how stupid that is / how out of it they are?


bless the ones with beards

they're the ones that are REALLY putting themselves out there / being brave

they are the ones that are going to make the change!


i'll do what I want! whatever!

hehe!