The post reveal talk reality

[Nikkilovesdresses]

The only lesson we can really learn is to be honest about our CDing before becoming a couple. Anything else is courting future disaster.

But that's no help to a man who, decades into a marriage, discovers that what he thought was a minor quirk or fetish turns out to be an overwhelming compulsion.

Melissa, however hard this is for both of you, I don't think you should regret your decision. She was going to find out sooner or later, and the longer you bottled yourself up, the more destructive the trapped feelings would have become.

You did the right thing.

Sincere good wishes for a happy outcome dear girl,

Nikki

If I were stranded on a tropical island alone, the first thing I'd do is fashion a skirt from palm fronds.

I love it! In fact the first thing I'd do would be to build a shelter to keep my new grass skirts dry.

I love too what you say about your wife in your final paragraph- I feel much the same about my own wife.

Nikki

[Rosaliy Lynne]

The only encouraging comment made by my wife was that she wished that I had kept my cding a secret... Not a very encouraging reply.

Mel, I am truly sorry for this in your life. The only real problem with keeping it a secret would have been that she would have found out eventually and the damage would have been far worse especially to the trust your marriage needs to survive.

Remember that this was ALWAYS a part of you, and always will be, and that nothing has really changed about the person she fell in love with and married except that NOW she knows part of who you are that she did not know before.

I hope you can build on that and wish you all the best.

[ArleneRaquel]

Melissa,
My thoughts & prayers are with you during these stressful times.

[Claire Cook]

Mel,

Your story has elicited so many remarkable responses. I'm especially touched by those that show some sign on healing with time, and we can only hope that counseling will offer you both some resolution that will keep you together. I just wish there was some way we could try to understand better the emotions and reactions of our wives and girl friends who cannot deal with our dressing. As one who has been so fortunate to have a supporting spouse for 45 years, it is so difficult for me to understand why dressing can transcend all other aspects of a relationship.

You know that we are all with you, however things develop.

Warmest hugs,

Claire

[Tinkerbell-GG]

it is so difficult for me to understand why dressing can transcend all other aspects of a relationship.

Claire, it's actually really difficult to explain why, to be honest. I've done my best here over the months, given I stem from the less accepting spouse side of things, but it is incredibly difficult for some of us to get past the big reveal and I am still perplexed to this day as to why I'm so different from the wives who accepted from day one. Believe me, I question as much as y'all do as to what's wrong with me that it has caused me so much conflict.

Anyway, I stumbled upon this little article not so long ago and while some of the examples are a little cliche (the cyclist thing, for example, and men always expecting sex) it's actually explains better than I've managed as to how we think and feel and why it's so hard.

http://www.sisterhouse.net/familyroo...pinion-of-you/

[Claire Cook]

Tinkerbell,

Thank you so much for your response -- and for the link, which I need time to digest. Certainly there is nothing "wrong" with you or other women who face this hurdle. Maybe it's part of our cultural upbringing and conditioning, and perhaps we can't help that. Posts like yours and other GG's are really important to help us try to understand the most difficult problem that we face. Perhaps sharing your experiences and reactions with other women helps you sort this out? I hope so.

As far as being perplexed by accepting spouses, I can only speak for Sue -- who is a special person, the most special in my life. Early on in our relationship she sensed my sensitivity and the fact that I am not completely an "alpha male". I think that was a big part of why she was attracted to me, and has been a big part of our marriage ever since. I told her that I was a CD during the first year of our marriage, and while not thrilled with the idea, she accepted it. I didn't push it, and dressed only occasionally for the first 25 years or so. Now she still has her man, but we enjoy our times together when "the girls" are out. Maybe part of that is that she really has few girl friends, and maybe I fill that role a little bit.

[No, I can't explain it either. ]

Thanks again for all of your posts!!

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Claire, I actually just wrote something similiar to Melissa - control the crossdressing and not the other way around, don't let it dominate life or change how you behave, but most of all, be the MAN she fell in love with, and even wives like me can learn to live with this.

It's the pushing and acceptance seeking etc that drives a wedge. My H learned this the hard way but he did learn. Now I have my husband back and he can indulge occasionally without me. It works for us. He's not really alpha either, to be honest. But then, I like sensitive men. I just wish he could be sensitive and not need to wear dresses, too, but oh well, lol.

Thanks for listening, Claire. I enjoy your posts, too.

[suchacutie]

After reading through the thread I realized that the understandings my wife and I have might be food for thought as the counseling proceeds.

Tina is not my wife's husband. Tina is her girlfriend. On the occasion when my wife wants her husband, in preference to her girlfriend, she gets her husband. With Tina as a third person, we can talk about the situation and her (Tina) in a detached manner when that is useful. We also have agreements about who will/won't know about Tina.

I'm so very sorry for the conflict you are both going through. I very much hope that you spouse can begin to see that the advantages of your femme self greatly outweigh her current fears.

[NicoleScott]

I read the Tink Link (sorry).
Besides the "male image" thing, which I get, what stuck with me was the cycling. Cycling to stay in shape? Yes. But shaving the legs does nothing for staying in shape. It may allow you to go faster, marginally, but important for competitive cyclists. Is cycling an excuse for [non-competitive cyclists] crossdressers to shave their legs? Probably.

[Lynn Marie]

Mel, your post is absolutely the most "sage" advice I've ever seen on this forum or anywhere else on the perils of the big reveal. Thank you for your courage and heart. Of course I'm sorry it didn't work out better for you. I wish you well sister.

[Rhian]

It's more for the massage afterwards that cyclists shave Nicole so I imagine it is just an excuse for those who don't cycle at an high level.

[Melissa in SE Tn]

I need to post an update because of all the incredible support & advise that ya'll have given to me. Initially, my heart & spirit have been so touched by the outpouring of support. Ya'll have no idea how much that has meant to me!!!! Walking on egg shells while trying to resume a normal life has been at best, difficult. Your support means so much...

We have been to two counseling sessions & while I have been educated to therapy, my wife still maintains that my cding is a behavioral problem that can be remedied with disassociation. Candidly, I am not optimistic that anything will change her perception; she still sees me as someone she doesn't know. Trust , intimacy & gender orientation continue to plague her mind & heart. I really question if time & showing her that I am still her man will have any impact. The divorce word is mentioned more often than compromise. I will remain strong, but I sense that I will make the ultimate decision; cding vs. Family. Family wins by a long shot . My happiness will have to be repressed.
I want everyone to know that not all reveals lead to DADT, understanding , acceptance or participation. The post reveal consequences can lead to divorce. Please keep that thought & the consequences thereof in your game plan when you prepare for the talk. I do not regret having the talk since it had to happen. I just did not factor in that my situation just might be one of those stats that could result in divorce.
Again , thanks for your kindness & support. I want to send all of you a personal pm of thanks. Much peace, mel

[Kandi Robbins]

The shame of it you're damned if you do (tell), damned if you don't (wracked by the guilt of keeping the secret). Life certainly is not fair.

[Tiffany B.]

Thank you for the update and I really do wish you the best and I'm sure it'll work out soon...

About the time you had your talk with your SO.. I almost got busted by my oldest son finding a fingernail in my bathroom... Luckily I had a some what stupid dumb excuse that.... the correct words here would be... that stopped the conversation about it..

Afterwards.. I came to the fact I could sit down and have a talk with him... or remain in the closet and not run the risk of losing his respect.. I chose the latter and it helped curb the "pink fog" I was in at the time...

As I said before.. I wish you the best and am waiting for your next update... (fingers crossed)

[Katey888]

Good to hear from you again Mel - but wish that things could be progressing more positively for you...

Just keep pegging away with the counselling and keep being you! This is still early days yet - I hear what you say about knowing someone and how deep-rooted their beliefs may be but she must still be trying to work this out and absorb everything...?

Be strong - be calm - and most importantly, keep being yourself and demonstrating that 'you' haven't really changed - just her knowledge of the full persona that you are!

Hang in there - play for the long game which has time to run yet...

Katey x

[Stephanie Sometimes]

Hi Mel. Sorry things are not getting any better but hang in there and please take things slowly. Katey has some great advice here when she points out that not much time has passed yet. So don’t make any quick decisions and don’t let others rush you to do so.

I think you are being too hard on yourself (and others here as well) when you say: “Understand that what we do is weird, is inconsistent with nature…”. Maybe society can attempt to define to some people what is “weird” but that assessment is different in different places and changes dramatically and sometimes quickly with time. But to think of it as un-natural is just not realistic and is not a healthy way to think about something that seems so right and so fundamentally necessary to us to express our true selves. I do certainly agree that it seems to be “a reality that many women cannot accept” but maybe some of those women can change with time based on the stories from GG’s on this forum. From what you say that may not be likely with your wife but it can take time to get over traumatic events in life and maybe things will get better for her with time.

Thank you for sharing you experience here as I know it must be very tough for you to do so. It has certainly helped me to further respect the risks involved as I chart my life’s course towards being open about being TG and for that I thank you from a very personal point of view.

Hugs,
Steph

[ReineD]

Mel, you told your wife in October, I believe. You are both in your 50s? It doesn't take weeks or months to get through this for many wives, it takes years. How long did it take you to accept that you are a CDer, from your first thoughts about wanting to wear women's clothing? Ten years? Forty?

Your wife will need a few years under her belt to realize that nothing has changed (provided of course that you do nothing to change things), before she can begin to trust that nothing will change. Hopefully, eventually she will see it as something that is relatively harmless, even if she is not involved and even if she doesn't like it. The sting of it all will lessen. Just try to keep the lines of communication open.

[Tina_gm]

I can't offer up much more than what others on here have. The only things I can add is perhaps offer up a dadt lifestyle for now. That she doesn't have to be any part of this part of you. It's been two years now since my reveal. I had been married for 6 months. My wife still struggles with it at times. And she has confided in me that the 1st few months were harder for her than she was showing. She had many doubts of our marriage continuing, and still has moments of doubt. I still have never dressed in her presence, and it is a good bet that may never happen.

We don't have many discussions about it now. It is more casual references for either of us. So, not a true dadt, but not something she has much to do with. Good luck. She may be talking about leaving, but hasn't yet. There is still hope.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Mel, Reine is right. Because of the hurt she feels and the trust she's lost, this could take years to settle and even then, you may only ever gain vague disinterest about crossdressing from your wife. But this at least keeps your family intact and you with some private time to dress. But change anything on her and I suspect you might lose her for good as she's feeling like you're a stranger and she needs that safe familiarity to help her through.

I also thought I'd add that you might be right - the male image might be too broken to fix. But that's okay, too. My H lamented some time back that I didn't see him as the people at his work did. While he's definitely one of the more gentle, sensitive types, he's also a fairly formidable leader when he wants to be and considers himself a bit of an Alpha at work. But I never see him this way and haven't since he revealed his full dressing. For me, it's just too much to ask me to suspend reality and forget the feminine imagery when he wants to be seen as masculine. I can't compartmentalize things this way. He accepts this now and while he doesn't love it, it just is. Yet another cog in this strange wheel

Your wife and you both need time to mourn the loss of the old relationship. You need to accept that she might always see you a little differently now, and she needs to accept that you've always been a crossdresser and that's who she ultimately married. Your marriage will change slightly, but with time and patience, she may be able to put it aside and leave it as one of those 'quirky' things you do when she's not around. If you're okay with such a scenario, then I think you've got a good chance as she hasn't left yet! x

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Wonderful replies. Always indebted to Tink & Reine for their expert advise.


If I may, please allow me the time to reiterize my intent for this thread . There have been great threads posted on preparing for & dealing with the reveal talk. I did my due diligence in reading , preparing & memorizing the playbook. For many of us that prepare for the talk, we are lulled into the afterlife realities of either a DADT relationship, an understanding relationship , an accepting relationship & a participating relationship. There seemed to be a understanding that once the talk happened, that the cd post reveal talk would result in one of those four stages. What I failed to understand is that there is a fifth stage... a horrible stage; that being , that the spouse is so disgusted & devastated by the talks that the cd is left with this option: if you dress, we will get divorced. That phase leaves no room to dress because the line has been drawn in the sand. Therein lies my reason for this thread; be totally prepared & do not be lulled into a false sense of security. The talk & the consequences thereof are huge: your marriage, your relationship with your children, your job & everything you hold sacred can be destroyed if one is not fully prepared to accept all of the potential realities.

To those with a DADT relationship, you may bitch about the lifestyle, but you still have a relationship with your family. Those with understanding , accepting & participating spouses are so blessed. Time may help my reality & I am working for a happy ending. I can only pray that my spouse is reading from the same playbook. Thanks so much for everyone's support as it means so much. For all of those on the verge of having the talk... Be prepared & then be prepared again as your future may be at stake. Peace, mel

[Amanda22]

Melissa, I've searched for an update from you and found it here. I'm sorry how things have turned out. I think this was all set in motion the day you and your wife got serious about each other. You are both stuck with your needs and dislikes. This may have been bound to happen. You mention crossdressing versus family, and repressing your happiness. Is this just crossdressing and how much of your total happiness does crossdressing represent? Can you turn off crossdressing? Is it a desire or a need? Is it a part of you so deeply that without it you are a different person, a person to whom your wife would not be familiar?

I'm asking these difficult questions because I'm a transwoman. My wife now understands who I really am. I cannot be someone else. It has taken her over four years to really appreciate my trans-ness and that this isn't a crossdressing fetish/hobby/stress relief technique. I think of myself as female; always have and always will. My wife knows that and I realize it has been a huge hurdle for her. I cannot un-say the honest things I've said, and I wouldn't want to. For the first time, I'm living honestly. I'm going to live honestly even if it means my wife would no longer want to be married to me. It's very hard to say that, but is life worth living if you're pretending to be someone you're not? Really think about the cost of that. I know you have, but I encourage you to see yourself as you and not you+your wife. What would you do now for yourself if you never met your wife? If you don't take care of yourself first, what kind of partner are you? I'm really bothered by your repression of happiness.

Another really difficult question: is it possible that your desperation to appease her at apparently any cost is adding to her feeling of victimization and feeding her sense that this is all about her? I think it's about each of you, not both of you. Have you expressed your needs calmly yet firmly in therapy? At this point, I think you need to demand and expect respect. I know she needs time; anyone knows that, but goddamn it, it's not like you're strangers. You've committed no crime. Being yourself is no crime. You've been very appealingly honest and direct. I know you're hurting and you know I love you. I want to see you emerge stronger and more real; not weak, beaten down, and fake. Fight for yourself because each of us only really has ourselves. We cannot control others and nothing good can come from trying to be anyone's puppet.

- Andi