Balancing Act . . . One year out

[Marcelle]

Hi all,

It has been awhile since I posted a "musing of my mind" so I thought given my therapy session was yesterday I would relate that experience in the form of self-discovery. Remember though, this is about me (not to sound narcissistic ) and my experiences are not the same as others. I share these musings to help me understand myself so your feedback is much appreciated . . . specifically I take away more than I give. So to let the musing begin . . .

I have now been in therapy for a year with the same therapist. We don't always see eye to eye on things and having someone trained in psychology as a patient can be a real pain in the a## but we have made great strides and I have learned a lot about myself. So yesterday's session was about growth and my acceptance of Isha into my life in order to integrate the concept of both male and female into my core identity. As she is want to do during these introspective sessions the "T" word (transition) pops up. Specifically, do I see myself transitioning at some juncture down the road? It is a fair question as I have gone from complete denial, to Ninja Femme drives, to quick jaunts into stores, to shopping in malls, to riding busy public transits to flying all within a span of a year. In essence I have moved from not dressing at all to about a 60/40 split (60 percent male that is). We discussed this and I am still adamant I would not transition . . . I like all things guy and all parts where they are now (if you catch my meaning ). So the session ends and as she always does, she assigns me introspective homework (GEESH . . . I thought university was bad ). She asked me think about how far I have come in one year and where I see myself a year from now?

So when I got home yesterday I thought about this. Goodness I have moved from the shadows to completely out to everyone (family, friends, work) I spend about 40 percent of my time dressed as Isha in some form or another (full make-up out and about or just a wig and girl clothes at home) . So I had to ask the question . . . Can we continue to explore and reach some sort of balance when it comes to being TG or will we eventually tumble from the balance beam of life?

From my own experience, I still hold that I will never transition. I like my guy self and while Isha has come to supplant some of my "guy time" she is still me and I am still her. Specifically my personality does not change only the presentation. Dressing does not magically transform me into a "woman" nor do I seek to be seen or treated as such. Dressing in woman's clothing is merely the way I choose to express this part of my identity the same way I choose to dress in guy clothes when I am expressing boy me. I don't expect people to see me as a woman nor do I expect them to treat me any differently . . . I just expected to be treated as a person. In addition, the concept of HRT, SRS, BAS and so on does not appeal to me. When I look in the mirror I like what I see (boy physiology that is) and have no desire to change that presentation. Some will say but you are going through laser hair removal (my therapist always brings this up BTW) and yes I will agree I do not like body hair (have always hated it) but I do not think that makes me TS . . . just a guy who does not like body hair. Yes, it makes presentation easier (laser beard removal and all) but then again I always hated shaving.

So thinking about it I suppose that the quick rush to launch which has brought be to this 60/40 split is probably more to do with making up for lost time (remember with the exception of 32 years ago I never dressed) and I am slowly balancing. Perhaps this time next year I will be at a 50/50 split or not . . . I can't really say. I do know that when I meet my therapist next session my response to her introspective homework "Where do you see yourself this time next year?" Will be . . .

. . . I see myself happy with the person I have become regardless of how I present or how much time I spend as one gender over the other.

So in a sense I have reached a sort of balance in my life which has not so much to do with numbers but more to do with acceptance of myself.

Hugs

Isha

[Chari]

It is always good Isha, IMO to read (or hear) another's opinion to get a different view of life in general, but especially for those of us that express themselves with exploring their feminine side. We all should (try to) find that balance where the individual is comfortable and confident in who we present, and it appears you have found or are closer to that point in your life. Society is another part of what makes us "acceptable", and for some is not always fair or equal. Your "homework" answer is solid and your last statement of accepting should be included too. Thanx for sharing. Enjoy.

[Dorit]

Hi Isha,
I can easily identify with all the rapid changes you have experienced in the last year. While it happened to me at a later age, after finally accepting that my TG personality was not a sin, but something I was born with, I went in the span of a few years from regular "repentance" to wearing my wife's clothes, buying my own wardrobe, doing my nails, piercing my ears, joining this forum, coming out to my adult daughters, and even wearing what are really woman's clothes in my man mode. Would you or I have been able to say the year before all this began what we would be doing in the next year? I doubt it. There are times when life is wild and unpredictable and we are swept along with it. I agree that the self acceptance that you and I have achieved is the true "balance" that we need as we are on a pretty wild ride this thing called life. Stay tuned for the next exciting episode!

hugs, Devorah

[kimdl93]

It's a good exercise to look ahead....particularly after a year of such dramatic change. Perhaps you are entering a stage of relative stability...whether it's 60/40 50/50 or 75/25 really doesn't matter as long as you are happy with where you're at.

In some sense, you have made a transition, not "the" transition but certainly a major change in how both you see yourself and how you're seen by the world. Who is to say...that may be just what you needed.

[Rhonda Jean]

We celebrate the flexibility, duality, infinite nature of gender. About how one's gender has nothing do with being physically male or female. But, many of us, the same ones who seek widespread acceptance of gender diversity see the end of the rainbow as going full time (at least).

For me personally, after decades of my personal male/female ratio in constant flux, I wish that we (I) would truly accept and celebrate the mixture, the balance, the wonderful in-between-ness. For most of my life when I followed my desires I became increasingly female. When I followed a path of logic I tended toward male. Always seeking one or the other instead of just being. I'm not so sure many of us, me included, truly accept the infinity diversity of gender expression we espouse.

[Katey888]

What a funny coincidence, Isha - I was thinking about this subject just over the past day or so (it had been triggered by one of the other threads regarding CDers with facial hair) and I was pondering on both the subject of what a truly variable mix of motivations and objectives we have but also - thinking of CDers that do 'femulate' - how different we can also be in our patterns of behaviour, our needs to satisfy the urge, and then to what extent we take measures to make that easier for ourselves... so laser treatment would be one of those: not exactly radical, but costly, inconvenient (if not simply painful) but more beneficial to those of us who present more frequently and regularly en femme... and I thought of you, GF, and what that meant...

In fact, I'm not about to derail your thread with my own musings (I can feel a chart coming on... ) but simply to express what others have here already: which is that today, you have reached a balance and achieved a degree of harmony that satisfies you - today. Given that none of us can truly predict how this madass thing develops for us as individuals, I think that is probably as good as it gets, regardless of the numbers, regardless of the details or apparent conflicts (and this is where our beard-wearing sisters came in..) - just as long as it suits us, keeps us happy and doesn't mess up anything else!

Just live for the day...

Katey x

[Kate Simmons]

If you have become comfortable with your means of expressing yourself at any given time, I'd say you've made a lot of progress my friend. You are at the helm and not the CDing and that is the important part. I can live either role really but being myself either way is what it's all about for me.

[Alana Lucerne]

Things that make you go hmmmmm.... I like posts like this.

A couple things come to mind. I've noticed you always talk of Isha as another person, "coming into my life" and such. Perhaps one day there won't be a balancing act to consider, no 60/40, but rather just the "you" that dresses the way you want to dress on a particular day. Maybe it will be an androgenous mix with some days being very masculine, other days being very feminine. Then the issue of balance becomes moot, it will be more like the people who dress up for work and change when they get home into something more comfortable or practical for doing the dishes.

I can understand your point of view about being happily male with all the proper parts. I feel that way too, I just like to wear women's clothes. As you say, the object is not to "pass", but to wear clothes that make you comfortable. I am not the shape to every be passable anyway, so it isn't an issue with me. But the clothes I wear do not change the person I am. I don't get all "girly" when I dress. I have the same personality and like to do the same things.

Just as language does not define a culture but is part of it, clothes do not make the person, they are only part of the total.

I hope I haven't rambled too far from the point. It is a great post Isha, but only what I expect from you.

Alana

[ReluctantDebutant]

Isha base on what I know about you from your posts. I would say you are very much a well balanced person. You seem to know who you are and what you want in life. I would say you are already you. My opinion drop the therapist and save yourself the money you pay her.

[Sarah Doepner]

I've been attempting to tease out the various threads in my life recently to see where my crossdressing really sits, and it is difficult work to do. Crossdressing is complex enough but there are so many other important parts that need to be addressed if we are to achieve a balanced life. Actually I don't see it as a balance beam, but more of a spider web, with all the different aspects of life connected and many paths that link them. I'm looking through different filters than you are Isha, age, work situation, being out or not, and relationships with others all need to be used as we examine where we are and how we fit in. What I've been finding is I'm not "fitting in" as well as I used to, possibly because I'm not out to anyone in my familfy since my wife passed away. For example, is this a stage in the grieving process or does it represent something else entirely? It seems that I may need to either find new and different ways to satisfy the gender expression issues or bring them in to the discussion. Maybe there are other options, I need several other than do nothing, that is not acceptable if growth, love and respect mean anything in my life.

I applaud your effort and your progress. The goal to be happy and satisfied a year out is a good one and I wish you the best as you continue to work toward that end. On the other hand I'm not ready to set a goal for a year out, primarily I'm attempting to figure out where I am right now. If I don't move too quickly I should be able to figure that out if I can show your level of resolve. Thank you for the thread and letting me muse a little as well, it helps.

[Eringirl]

very thoughtful post, as always Isha....and it does get my furry little brain spinning. One thing that usually comes up in my therapy sessions is how am I with things right now? And will this be okay in the future. That is where I have to say, "I don't know". Because I honestly don't. I am so pleased you are able to find that balance and that it works for you. I, unlike you, am not enamoured with my male side....at all. Erin is with me all the time. In fact, sometimes, it feels like Erin is dressing in drab to present as male. On the other hand, like you, my personality doesn't change, though I do tend to be more content when presenting as Erin, even if it is just in jeans and tee, as I am right now. (okay, TMI...

You have done so much, come so far in such a short time (relatively speaking). It is great to see that you are content with how you are. Enviable indeed. Keep the thoughtful musings coming!!

Big

Erin

[Tammy Lynn Tx]

Isha, I too had one of those psychologists that loved to assign homework. Never fun, but very necessary at that point in my life. You go Girl

[Suzanne F]

Isha
I am so proud to call you my friend. You have been courageous and fearless in facing your gender issues. I am so happy for you and your family that you are ok with your maleness. I wish for my family that I had found that answer. However, I hope I am being just as fearless in accepting I am a woman and need to transition. Although we may come to different answers we are on the same journey!
Hugs
Suzanne

[Genny B]

A thought came to mind at the beginning of you post and I still have this one thought... Why does Isha see a therapist? You appear to be one of the more sound soul's on this forum and have a very level headed approach to almost everything! I like your conclusion as it is the same that I came to in my life, but it took me longer!

Genny B

[Jenny Elwood]

Hi Isha

I respect you as a person and a wondedful contributor to this forum, but I'm going to throw a spanner in the works anyway. I remember a time, not too long ago that you talked of an 80/20 split. Now you're down to a 60/40 split? What's next?

Be careful, personally I think you're on a slippery slope. Sorry, I don't always say the things people want to hear, but I'd like to believe that I'm a true friend.

[Marcelle]

HI all,

Thanks for your kind replies and words of encouragement. It is a long and interesting journey and I believe I am just starting down the pathway of discovery but I do like the direction I am going and am honoured to share with you all.

. . . In some sense, you have made a transition, not "the" transition but certainly a major change in how both you see yourself and how you're seen by the world. Who is to say...that may be just what you needed.

Hi Kim,

Very interesting point and perhaps you are right. When we think of transition we always think "the transition" and perhaps this is just a form of transition in that accepting who we are is in effect transitioning from one identity to a larger whole.

. . . which is that today, you have reached a balance and achieved a degree of harmony that satisfies you - today. Given that none of us can truly predict how this madass thing develops for us as individuals, I think that is probably as good as it gets, regardless of the numbers, regardless of the details or apparent conflicts (and this is where our beard-wearing sisters came in..) - just as long as it suits us, keeps us happy and doesn't mess up anything else!

Just live for the day...

Katey x

Hi Katey,

I agree . . . today is one thing tomorrow . . . who knows.

Things that make you go hmmmmm.... I like posts like this.

A couple things come to mind. I've noticed you always talk of Isha as another person, "coming into my life" and such. Perhaps one day there won't be a balancing act to consider, no 60/40, but rather just the "you" that dresses the way you want to dress on a particular day.

Hi Alana,

Yes I do refer to Isha in the third person but it is more to separate "boy me" from "girl me" when I am talking about things. I do consider myself "one person" but composed of different presentations depending on the identity I choose to present.

Isha base on what I know about you from your posts. I would say you are very much a well balanced person. You seem to know who you are and what you want in life. I would say you are already you. My opinion drop the therapist and save yourself the money you pay her.

A thought came to mind at the beginning of you post and I still have this one thought... Why does Isha see a therapist?

Hi RD and Genny,

I see a therapist as it is part of the process I agreed to when I presented myself to the military medical system after my rather "dark period". I truly believe she (the therapist) has helped me immensely in coming to terms with the chaos of this thing we do. I am at the point where it is voluntary but to be honest I do like the sounding board so I will probably continue for awhile.

. . . I remember a time, not too long ago that you talked of an 80/20 split. Now you're down to a 60/40 split? What's next?

Hi Jenny,

Ah . . . I wondered who would pick up on this. To be honest I was going to mention "some of your will probably mention not long ago I talked about an 80/20 split and say the WTF" but purposely left it out. You are right, not long ago it was 80/20 and then it moved to 70/30 and now 60/40. Will it progress to 50/50 or 40/60? To be honest I cannot answer that question. I can say with complete certainty my guy identity is quite strong regardless of the number I expose. I don't feel as though I was born in the wrong body nor do I have a need to correct my birth gender. Would I progress to a point where I am presenting more "femme" than "guy"? I suppose it is possible but I will never loose track of the fact I am male . . . heck one look at my pictures only confirms . . . dude.

Hugs all

Isha

[PaulaQ]

Hi Isha - removing your body hair permanently is indeed a pretty big flag.

However, whether or not you transition really comes down to the extent of your GD. If it gets worse, you realize that your male life makes no sense, etc., you may transition. I will say that if it's going to happen to you, it's likely to hit you like a tsunami - there'll be no stopping it.

[Marcelle]

Hi Paula,

Yeah I suppose the body hair thing can be seen as a flag but I have been removing it for years prior to dressing . . . semi-pro competitive MMA fighting . . . nothing hurts like having chest hair ripped off your body during a fight. But I do concede your point and yes I also agree (as does my therapist) that I probably do have some mild GD.

Hugs

Isha

[GretchenJ]

What a funny coincidence, Isha - I was thinking about this subject just over the past day or so (it had been triggered by one of the other threads regarding CDers with facial hair) and I was pondering on both the subject of what a truly variable mix of motivations and objectives we have but also
Just live for the day...

Katey x

This has also gotten me thinking somewhat, as I think the three of us do have a lot of common - we all are "late bloomers" so to speak, we have been dressing in clothes for most of our lives, but have seen a recent renaissance (for lack of a better of word), where over the past year or so , (for me via the use of this forum, that made me determine that I was not a freak and not alone) have decided to embrace our femme side, and venture out and take the good and bad which comes with it.

Again , not to hijack the thread, where I see me a year from now has gotten me thinking, For me it's a 90/10 proposition being that I am in the closet, but I think about the next possible opportunity to venture out A LOT! There is much planning and prep work involved, and the promise of another time out is what keeps me balanced during the waiting period. Since my "femme chart/graph" would show a large slope over the past 12 months, is what I am doing now enoughkt to keep me happy one year from now (I really, really hope so. It does have me scared and concerned somewhat). I have no ambition to transition as well, as I do like my male side. I also despise all body hair, but I am not sure if that is a chicken or the egg thing.

What petrifies me is not so much my one year plan as much as my 10 year plan, when the opportunity to do this will eventually vanish, and how will I be able to handle/cope with the situation.

[Donnagirl]

Hi Isha,

It's a little funny that you're thinking about life in a year from now whereas I've been advised not to. Probably because I tend to worry about how far and how fast I've got there as well... It was only in August that I made it out of the hotel room door and into the public domain. Since then, well I even underdress a little at work let alone dressing at home most of the time. I go out, take the wife shopping, do whatever I want dressed. There appears to be no limits. No wonder I have the occasional brain explosion.

I too do not consider transition to be in my future, but the thought that there is always the possibility scares me. I do have more fun en femme, I'm more in control, less prone to outbursts, more considerate, more compassionate... I would not only put the dressing at the 60/40, but, as I discussed with a friend only a few nights ago that's probably close to the male/female split I'm feeling as well.

Ears are pierced, beard being removed, nails always long and mostly polished, legs smooth (regular use of an epilator and IPL), toenails coloured, practically everywhere I can grow hair is smooth... I even cannot say that I have not wondered what a little HRT would do, hips, butt, breast....

Inevitable I can hear people saying... I certainly hope not... Do you worry about it, even fear it. If the path is exponential, well, I won't have to wait that long to find out... I keep thinking back to the adage, 'what's the difference between a crossdresser and a transexual?' Answer - five years!

So, how much does a trip to Thailand cost???

[Katy120]

I was wondering, Isha, what keeps you going back to your therapist? You seem to have "your act together" and have resolved the issues that prompt individuals to seek professional help. Perhaps I have the wrong end of the stick or have missed reading messages you have written where you vent about misgivings in the life you are leading. The general impression you create is someone who is completely comfortable with who you are. Have I missed something? Are my cursory impressions wide of the mark?

[Stephanie Morgan]

Isha, your posts, as always, get me thinking a lot about myself (which is a good thing i think lol). I applaud your courage to step out into the world as Isha. Thank you for sharing your journey though this common interest. While I am no where near as comfortable with this part of myself as I would like to be, reading posts and learning from others, like yourself, have been a valuable part of my learning curve. A year ago, I was very hesitant to dress in front of my beautiful bride, even though she knows all about Stephanie and is very accepting and supportive. Now, a year later, with her patience and alot of help from this forum and some very good friends, I am learning to accept that this is truly a part of me and embracing it has become easier.
Keep up the thought provoking musings and I wish you all the best!!
Steph

[PaulaQ]

By the way, Isha, I've really appreciated watching your journey over the last year. It's been really remarkable how far you've come, and I think you are dealing with your crossdressing in a very healthy and honest way. I think your wife must be a remarkable woman, and that you are lucky - but I think the same can be said the other way around, too.

I feel like your threads and posts are really honest, and that you ask good questions - questions that need to be asked. And I think you answer these questions as honestly as anyone could ask - amazingly so given the hall of mirrors that tends to occur when we really think about gender.

From your first forays out to today, it's been really remarkable watching your progress and your life. I really want to thank you for sharing so fearlessly.

[Amanda M]

Isha - you really do have it sorted. I think your continued engagement with a therapist is wise.. If you have (as you appear to have) a therapist who is empathetic but non-judgemental, working with that person can be a very affirming process. We cannot always see ourselves as clearly as we might like without outside help.

Well done you!

[Teresa]

Isha,
I can't see the balance going any further, to me you've achieved it ! You are comfortable with the guy side and happy with the way you present as Isha !
I've a feeling that a few years down the road you'll swing back more to guy mode, some mornings you'll just say I can't be bothered !

I can't see why your therapist is so concerned about the laser treatment ? Non CDers use it for certain sports and pastimes, if you had an ingrowing hair problem you may have to resort to it and so on !

If therapy was costing me a considerable amount of money every session would have to be beneficial , you appear to be reaching the end of therapy, you know as much about yourself to live a happy comfortable life ! The important point is your wife is on the same page, she's happy with you and trusts you ! Not having that is the problem many of us have !