Hi all,
It has been awhile since I posted a "musing of my mind" so I thought given my therapy session was yesterday I would relate that experience in the form of self-discovery. Remember though, this is about me (not to sound narcissistic ) and my experiences are not the same as others. I share these musings to help me understand myself so your feedback is much appreciated . . . specifically I take away more than I give. So to let the musing begin . . .
I have now been in therapy for a year with the same therapist. We don't always see eye to eye on things and having someone trained in psychology as a patient can be a real pain in the a## but we have made great strides and I have learned a lot about myself. So yesterday's session was about growth and my acceptance of Isha into my life in order to integrate the concept of both male and female into my core identity. As she is want to do during these introspective sessions the "T" word (transition) pops up. Specifically, do I see myself transitioning at some juncture down the road? It is a fair question as I have gone from complete denial, to Ninja Femme drives, to quick jaunts into stores, to shopping in malls, to riding busy public transits to flying all within a span of a year. In essence I have moved from not dressing at all to about a 60/40 split (60 percent male that is). We discussed this and I am still adamant I would not transition . . . I like all things guy and all parts where they are now (if you catch my meaning ). So the session ends and as she always does, she assigns me introspective homework (GEESH . . . I thought university was bad ). She asked me think about how far I have come in one year and where I see myself a year from now?
So when I got home yesterday I thought about this. Goodness I have moved from the shadows to completely out to everyone (family, friends, work) I spend about 40 percent of my time dressed as Isha in some form or another (full make-up out and about or just a wig and girl clothes at home) . So I had to ask the question . . . Can we continue to explore and reach some sort of balance when it comes to being TG or will we eventually tumble from the balance beam of life?
From my own experience, I still hold that I will never transition. I like my guy self and while Isha has come to supplant some of my "guy time" she is still me and I am still her. Specifically my personality does not change only the presentation. Dressing does not magically transform me into a "woman" nor do I seek to be seen or treated as such. Dressing in woman's clothing is merely the way I choose to express this part of my identity the same way I choose to dress in guy clothes when I am expressing boy me. I don't expect people to see me as a woman nor do I expect them to treat me any differently . . . I just expected to be treated as a person. In addition, the concept of HRT, SRS, BAS and so on does not appeal to me. When I look in the mirror I like what I see (boy physiology that is) and have no desire to change that presentation. Some will say but you are going through laser hair removal (my therapist always brings this up BTW) and yes I will agree I do not like body hair (have always hated it) but I do not think that makes me TS . . . just a guy who does not like body hair. Yes, it makes presentation easier (laser beard removal and all) but then again I always hated shaving.
So thinking about it I suppose that the quick rush to launch which has brought be to this 60/40 split is probably more to do with making up for lost time (remember with the exception of 32 years ago I never dressed) and I am slowly balancing. Perhaps this time next year I will be at a 50/50 split or not . . . I can't really say. I do know that when I meet my therapist next session my response to her introspective homework "Where do you see yourself this time next year?" Will be . . .
. . . I see myself happy with the person I have become regardless of how I present or how much time I spend as one gender over the other.
So in a sense I have reached a sort of balance in my life which has not so much to do with numbers but more to do with acceptance of myself.
Hugs
Isha