Regrets

[Donnagirl]

I'm interested to see where I really fit amongst this eclectic group. So many things, so many posts and comments I can identify with, so many others I find difficult to agree with. I admit I'm an unusual character, very competitive, driven to achieve all the goals I set myself.

I've lived the 'boys own adventure', the only disappointment being serving in the military during the worst outbreak of peace in my nations history. Imagine being the captain of a sports team that trains and trains day in and day out but never gets to play a real match...

Law enforcement has been good to me but I now find myself office bound dealing with the senior executive and ministerial areas, far distant from the front line where belong. This does not sit well with me, I need the challenge, the excitement the adrenalin rush... This may be what has reignited the CD-ing feelings dormant since my childhood / puberty.

There have been a few posts recently that can really be distilled down to a choice between are you going to regret what you've done or regret what you haven't? I'm definitely in the former camp... Might help to explain me better to those who have read about the journey I've had to date.

Whereas if there was a cure, I'd take it now, a double dose just to be sure, I also regret the fact that for so many decades this was not a part of me and I'm coming into this thing late... I love it, I hate it. I want to quit and purge, I want to go full-time, I don't know what I want. (Other than I do know I don't want to continue to be a whiny b#$ch)... Will I end up regretting an action taken today or regret not seizing the opportunity.

So where to from here... Counselling and therapy - definitely, it helps... but for me its a live day to day thing. The future I'd rather not contemplate.

[Martina]

Donna,
I feel for you with this journey that we chose to take in finding our inner self and what it brings.
The up's and down's that we sometimes suffer along the way and the why? did I do this in the first place, but we just have to accept our actions. maybe with regret and wish it would all go away, but on the other hand we find that we get enjoyment from what we do so that make us feel that we have taken the right action.
I am fortunate now that at the age of 69yrs I don't have to go to work and be in a position that would be frustrating to me, and my time is what I choose it to be, within certain boundries, because we all have those to contend with.
Hope this helps you find your way through this emotion that we all come across at some point in our lives.

Martina

[Lynn Marie]

I believe it was Kim Philby who wrote a book titled "I led two lives". At my advanced age I often feel that way. Luckily the people I worked for and with were more acquaintances than friends, so with retirement I lost pretty much that entire community. Couple that with moving to a new town and I've been able to reinvent myself again after more than 35 years! Luckily, I make friends easily and this is most definitely the very best time of my life. No regrets at all. Okay, I wish I could have done a few things differently in the past, but it's all worked out to get me here today. Life is good here.

[Teresa]

Donna,
We all know there isn't a cure and it's for life ! That one really has floored me, I can't live and feel like this the rest of my life, I'm still working on the answer !

You have such a conflict you can and want to do the macho adrenalin fuelled things and yet have a need to display femininity and the trappings that go with it ! In your mind you know society will call you for it and make you feel guilty because a man doesn't act like that !

If you were a woman you could get away with it ! They can perform macho, adrenalin activities, and after put on a beautiful evening dress and everyone remarks, " What a woman !" OK we can try and dress like James Bond but it's not going to do it for us ! No matter how hard we try !

The problem is how can you explain that ! Why really drives us to want it so much at times ?? You might fight and beat it for a day or so, in the end you know you have to give in to settle your mind !!

[Marcelle]

Hi Donna,

I guess you and I when it comes to the living the "boy's own adventure" are relatively close with the exception of the "peace-time service". The journey to self-discovery is not an easy one and from what I read of your posts you seem to enjoy your Donna time but also enjoy your "boy" time (as do I). However, I can understand your angst as you lived and "uber-masculine" existence until now and it this confliction is causing some strife. I had gone through a similar time about seven months ago leaving me asking . .. "Where is all this leading?" With similar thoughts of "I am too old to begin this journey" or "I should have embraced this years ago so why now?". I found after careful introspection . . . there are no answers because it would all be conjecture and the best way to deal with it is to "ride the wave" to shore and see what is there once you get out of the boat. So I rode that wave (with the help of my therapist, wife, friends and family) and though I don't have all the answers and I am now riding the next boat to the next beach (to see what is there) . . . I have found inner peace of sorts (or as Katey so wisely put . . . today I have found peace ).

From what I read, I find you to be level headed and have a good grasp on your male side as well as your female side . . . now you just need to find integration into your life. My therapist once told me it is now about co-existence and allowing each identity to manifest when required to see where they end up. So I did that. When I needed to be Isha . . . I was and when I needed to be "boy me" I was. I will admit that Isha did begin to eat up some of my boy time (hence the push from 80%M / 20%F to 60%M / 40%F but equilibrium was eventually established (i.e., I have not felt the need to push Isha beyond the 40%) and both sides now co-exist in my life.

The one thing I would add. WRT your current job in law enforcement and "being office bound". Is there some project you could champion which might bring you some solace in your day to day duties. The reason I ask is that when I moved to a training billet, I was a bit down but I have taken on revamping some selection processes and sinking my teeth into making changes both in policy and real time. I saw an opportunity and pitched it to my superiors and am now running with it. I get to spend some time out the office and more at the coal face allowing to recapture some of that previous zeal. I am not sure if a similar opportunity exists for you but if it does, I recommend that you capitalize on it to help you through these times.

Hugs

Isha

[Katey888]

Living day-to-day is OK Donna...

Especially if you have enough fence left to focus your angst when you need to let go...

I do feel for your inner conflict - I'm sure you'd be happier were you able to get to a balance... but often that has to be worked at; fought for. The counselling will help you get there - you're probably just at a phase where there's really no point in looking ahead very far... that just gets confusing... if you're sailing and things get foggy (no - not pink foggy ) where your final destination is becomes less relevant than where the nearest reef is; what the depth under keel is; just seeing more than the end of the boat you're on sometimes! Keep your planning horizon relatively short until you feel more comfortable with your short term balance - and then you can look a bit further ahead knowing you're in safe waters...

Keep Calm & Carry On!

Katey x

[Beverley Sims]

Donna,
Live from day to day, remain positive and optimistic and don't let it get you down.

[kimdl93]

By your description it seems that the pursuit of exhilarating experiences could be a way of masking some underlying emotional distress. Note the caveats of "seems" and "could be". Some people use booze, others meth...the list goes on. The problem with every such mechanism is that eventually one dulls to the stimulus and that underlying problem, whatever it may be, again rears its ugly head. Perhaps you can figure out what you've been trying to distract yourself. Then you can't do things you enjoy without seeking a thrill.

[Eringirl]

Hi Donna:

I feel for you hon....

There is nothing wrong with living from day to day. Sometimes we add pressure to ourselves by wanting to know the future and have a clear straight path. But, at times, that is a luxury not available. But it will come. Allow yourself to live in the moment for now. Chances are, it is what your brain and soul needs to allow them to "catch their breath" and get to a point where they can serve you better.

While I am not a huge adrenalin junkie per se, I do miss some aspects of that. But as Isha and other have suggested, is there another outlet available to you? For me, I don't do rescue any more, but I do train all the new rescue divers and that involve real time, in water scenarios, so that is how I say up to speed with skills etc.

One day at a time if fine......



Erin

[Bria]

Donna, I'm with Isha. I'm somewhat in the same position in life at almost 74 and soon to retire. What do I do now? Am I going to sit in front of the TV until I die? Not a chance! Just exactly what I will do in retirement is still up in the air, but it will be something positive where I will be making a difference, don't just coast in life!

Hugs, Bria

[NicoleScott]

I've lived the 'boys own adventure', the only disappointment being serving in the military during the worst outbreak of peace in my nations history. Imagine being the captain of a sports team that trains and trains day in and day out but never gets to play a real match...

This jumped out at me, and I have to comment. Going to war isn't the same as "playing a real match". It's much more real. A sports team prepares in anticipation of a game - for fun. It's just a pretend war. I want the military of my country to prepare for war so that no one dares going to war with us. George Washington believed this, and said so in his first annual address to Congress in 1790. The disappointment of not going to war (for the adrenalin rush) seems pretty warped to me. Shouldn't we wish for the boredom of peacetime?

[Rachael Leigh]

Donna I fully understand what your dealing with, being married and not really fully understanding this part of myself and now as a fifty something what do I do. I love my wife but she's just so against this part of me.
So I move on and try to find the middle somewhere. Like you loving it hateing it just trying to make it work
Donna I'm with you sister so hang in there

[franlee]

i read your thread 3 times and I can relate to a lot of it, career wise especially. But it seems that you are looking for permission from your Ideal Life to use and enjoy the Life you are in. The fantasy is all there is for a CDer, and there is little or no justification in most cases. You either do or you don't. Purges are futile in every case I have read about, luckily I was never drawn to that, first I'm to cheap to waste my money and next I knew I was going to do what I wanted to regardless of the inconvenience.

You seem to have accomplished a lot in life. So you have done something right and to do so you had to be able to deal with decisions and responsibility. So it really as simple as make one and live with it. There is nothing that anyone but you can do to make CDing right or wrong for You. If it feels good and does no harm, it has to be good for you on some level. If it obsesses you to the point of not being on top of your life's needs then you have a problem that needs to be controlled. I mean that as I stated it, because CDing is not curable, it is not a disease, and it is not the norm or everyone would be doing it. But it can be regulated and enjoyed with thought and common sense.

Where you go from here is to acceptance that it's part of your life experience and then you deal with it on your own schedule. Having an excepting wife is the dream of so many I'm sure it makes everything easier but it's not going to stop you. Make it a positive don't over think and torture yourself for being "different." Everyone has things that make them who they are, this is one of them. The only regret you will ever have is "what if?" Therapy and counseling seems to be the answer for some of us. I don't think I ever needed any help with something I do knowingly. And from listening and reading everyone that shared their results from the therapy has been excepting who you are, the clothes and such are just props for your own purposes. That's my take on this whole way of life. Simple I suppose but in reality life is simple, you live till you die, how you do it is two part, what nature(fate) hands you everyday and what tools you use to make it better on that trip. All this gray area will drive you crazy if you let it. So go enjoy your gifts and don't look back with remorse. Then there is no REGRET.

[Sarina Curtis]

Donna,

First and foremost THANK YOU for choosing to serve regardless of whether you went in to combat or not. Not having to "play a real match" simply means that you and your fellow soldiers performed your duties to perfection.

I was late coming cross dressing myself and often wonder if I should just leave it, purge, and subjugate the feelings I have, or whether I should go whole-hog, try to pass and so on. Right now I've simply chosen to roll with it, take it slow and see where it takes me. Therapy sounds like a good decision and I hope that living it day to day gets easier for you too. Until you figure out which way to settle, keep looking great and enjoying yourself!

Sarina

[Stephanie Morgan]

Donna,
I know exactly what you mean. I have most certainly lived a boys own adventure of a life. From rodeo and bullriding, to military service and my current and longest career, law enforcement, its been a ride. I knew early on that I loved wearing women's clothes. When I got into my early 20's, I quit crossdressing for a long period of time. Not sure why, just didn't do it. I found myself wondering about it from time to time, then put the thoughts out of my head and went on about things. After my second divorce, I found myself thinking about dressing up again, and this time I couldn't stop myself. It felt so wonderful that I was addicted immediately. Then I met my wonderful wife and before we married, I was able to talk with her about it. She is accepting and encouraging and has my heart completely.

As for regrets, I can only think of two. The first that I married my second wife (I should have known better but alas it is what it is). The second, that I waited so long to begin trying to figure out who I am completely. I still struggle with guilty feelings sometimes after I have dressed, as I struggle with this thing called CD'ing. But I am finding my struggles easier to deal with nowadays. Regrets, yep those are mine and I think most of us have one or two. I hope you don't dwell too much on yours as I am trying to learn the same lesson myself.

Hugs,
Stephanie M.

[NikiMichelle]

I describe myself and my CD'ing with two personal statements I would like share here that you may or may not subscribe to.

1. I hate that I love to crossdress.

2. I wish I was female but do not want to become one.

These two sayings have helped me accept who/what I am. It took a very long time to coin these sayings as I worked my way through to acceptance. I too, whipsaw through this love/hate relationship I have with CD'ing, love my masculine times and adore my en-femme moments and cycle in and out of the Pink Fog.

The only question I still cannot fathom or care to have answered is "what drove me start CD'ing at the age of 4 or 5 (I cannot remember my exact age)??

I doubt there is answer.

[Kate T]

I've lived the 'boys own adventure', the only disappointment being serving in the military during the worst outbreak of peace in my nations history. Imagine being the captain of a sports team that trains and trains day in and day out but never gets to play a real match...

Disappointment and yet also a blessing I feel.

I love it, I hate it. I want to quit and purge, I want to go full-time, I don't know what I want. (Other than I do know I don't want to continue to be a whiny b#$ch)... Will I end up regretting an action taken today or regret not seizing the opportunity.

I think that is pretty common. I would regard myself as pretty grounded and frankly very lucky. I have an accepting spouse, 3 beautiful accepting children, solid work and I am fairly well respected in my profession, my mother knows I CD and accepts it, I have been out enough now that I don't bother counting or getting worked up over when is the next time I can "dress up", I wear whatever I want at home. I do not regret not having been freer with my dressing up until now (with the exception of not having told my beautiful wife until around 4 years ago) yet I understand and agree completely with the above statement.
So Donna, no you are not alone. Indeed you are probably about as "normal" as the rest of us!

[Launa]

Don't look backwards for very long, I sometimes do it too but it won't do any good. Look at what you have in front of you. A good job, somewhat a stable life I'm sure the ability to make decisions and some money to do what you want to. Sure your life might be half over like mine but hey there's so much more to look forward to and be happy with.... like a new wardrobe, nice shoes, wigs and at our age some FFS. LOL.