How do I find the woman of my dreams (no, not the one in the mirror!)

[Emeraude]

Now that my marriage is ending (see my other thread) and I have all this freedom, the first thing that comes to my mind is how to get into another relationship! I know, I need to wait. My friends and my kids are insisting on that, with varying degrees of threats of physical violence if they see me jumping into something. I am not going to start dating until our divorce is final in a year. However, at some point, I am going to want to start dating. How do I avoid the situation I just left? How do I find a woman who will accept my crossdressing? How and when do I tell her?

What have you girls who have been fortunate enough to find women like that, found to work? Where should I look? What should I say, and how soon? I've signed up on Match.com, just to see who's out there, and I'm, surprisingly, getting a lot of attention (I'm 61 and getting divorced, after all; I wouldn't think that would make me a catch.) But there doesn't seem to be a button to click for "heterosexual part-time MTF crossdresser"!

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

[celeste26]

Go and do all the things that you really love to do and the glow that envelopes you because of that love will draw someone to you. But be honest from the time you get serious don't wait until later to tell. Cross dressing is part of who you are and to withhold that short changes her.

[Sallee]

I would definitely get out and date finding an accepting women for long term will be difficult but am sure they are out there. I wish I could tell you where to look but I will tell you to bring it up as soon as you think it might be getting serious like the 2nd or 3rd date. Good luck Nw that you can get out hit the clubs in SD and you might find that special GG

[Promethea]

I've never used match.com, but I suppose you can just write it on your profile. I think that's the best you can do, so you don't waste your time and energy on people who won't accept you.

I'm on okcupid, and I do say I am trans, and ask women not to message me if they have any issue or discomfort because of that, but that I am ok answering awkward questions if they just don't know or understand what being trans .
While I still haven't found the one (in part because I think this may not be the best moment in my life to find her), I have gotten some good response!

[kimdl93]

First, wait longer. Then, don't look for the woman of your dreams. Be open to women who you enjoy being with, share basic values with etc. And let things happen slowly.

[sometimes_miss]

You might have thought of this before you split from current wife. There are no known places to find a woman who is interested in a crossdresser. None. There are no straight girl/crossdresser bars, clubs, websites, or dating agencies (well, there is one, dateacrossdresser.com, it's a paid site where you have to become a paid member to contact any other members; but it's inhabited by 99.999% men, and a few ringers of real women who will send you spam messages to get you to pay the fee so you can email them back, then they will deny every sending you any message if they respond to you at all; and it's impossible to search for females on that site, because every crossdresser there checks off the 'female' check box so your search results will come back with all the fifty thousand crossdressers there along with the one or two real women that won't answer you anyway). The best advice I've gotten was to develop friendships with gay women, and somehow get them to allow you to tag along when they go to singles bars for lesbians. There, you MIGHT find a bi curious woman who just may be turned on or at least tolerate a feminine guy. Because you're fighting nature; millions of years of evolution has resulted in women who are turned on by masculine men, and sexually turned off by men who are feminine in any way. Women who had any genetic predisposition to even remotely being attracted to feminine men died off over those years, and so there are none existing in the wild; if you find one, bring her in so we can study her and find out how to make more. The best you can hope for is someone who was maybe abused by a typical macho male, and can barely tolerate any male who displays masculine behavior, and is not gay.

I wish you the best of luck in your search, Emeraude. You're going to need it. I've been on all the regular dating sites for the past 17 years now, and have found.....one who was nuts, several prostitutes and call girls willing to provide me with their services, and a lady about 5000 miles away in another country, who thought that she might be able to deal with it. That's it. That's from match.com, plenty of fish, alt.com, loveaccess.com, bondage.com, dating at aol.com, collarme.com, okcupid.com, and eharmony kicks out my profile completely when I mention crossdressing.

[PaulaQ]

Emeraude, I can't tell you how to find the woman of your dreams - there's a certain amount of fate and luck in that. That's a really tough question, and one that I'm not sure anyone can answer for any person, cis, trans, straight, gay, whatever.

However, if you want advice on "where can I look to hopefully find a woman who will date me, and where I have a chance to develop a meaningful relationship?" That's somewhat easier I think.

Your best bet for meeting a woman who will enjoy a relationship with, CDing and all, is probably not within the heteronormative community. Sorry - you've tip-toed into the twilight zone of transgender, and you are probably gonna find it to be tough sledding in straightsville. You can try - but it's tough. There are exceptions to this - many of the wonderful GGs on this forum are an example of this. But they are rare.

So your best two bets for a female partner are, in my opinion:
1. Bisexual women
2. Women in the trans community themselves - some trans women, even some CDs.

Your best bets for finding a girl like this would be:
1. Lesbian bars - bi girls visit these, and unfortunately, in the LGBTQ community, much of the community still happens in bars.
2. Within the trans community - there may be meetup groups, clubs, things of that sort where you can meet women who'd like you.

I'd definitely recommend doing any of this stuff as Emeraude, presenting female. I think being open and authentic about this part of your life is critical to finding someone who'll want to be a part of it. I can't tell you this will be easy - don't be surprised if you get hit on by a ton of men. Men are just that way, what can I say? There are women who'll appreciate you though.

Believing it can happen, and being open to it when it does, helps enormously. If you are really negative, people can tell, and it is off-putting. I know you are probably hurt and terrified about this after the breakup of your marriage. Questions like "Can anyone ever really accept me?" come to mind - many of us almost can't help them. But do your best to be positive, and to be real, honest, and open-minded. Hey, that's what you are asking from a potential partner, so should you offer anything less yourself?

By the way, I have to disagree very strongly with some of the sentiments expressed here that "straight women who are attracted to feminine men don't exist anymore." I've talked to more than one GG on this forum extensively - straight identified women - who dearly love and appreciate their transgender SO. For that matter, I have talked with women who've broken up with a TG SO for reasons not related to TG who MISS them - who miss going to CD events, who miss the girl time together. They are out there - they are just really hard to find because they are relatively rare, and there's no real way to locate them other than just blind luck, best I can tell.

Best of luck hon, I know you'll find someone. Just don't give up hope.

PS - PM me if you would like additional, and considerably more explicit, supporting evidence for the assertions I've made. I can back them up.

[Beverley Sims]

Emeraude,
Don't rush about worrying about being left on the shelf, get used to your new found freedom and you will find "it" just happens.

[Sally24]

In my case I would have to say that it's much easier if you and the woman are able to grow together and learn about the trans/cd thing. That's what happened with my wife and I. It's more difficult when you have had a lifetime to grow into the woman you are now and she's starting off at ground zero. And the age thing....you'd be surprised how many good older single women there are and how few really nice older men there are. I would look for a well spoken, intellectual woman who is not ultra conservative. Get to know each other, and then before things get really serious let her know about Emeraude. It can take years, and you may not find her. But woman like that are out there. Some are even enthusiastic supporters. Good luck!

[ophelia]

This a very frustrating thread. The woman of my dreams would love the man I am, but be fully open to the fun of a Friday night out with Ophelia. I have come close on POF with the notion that the "nights out" would be in a different city.
I have come close with a couple of hairdressers and makeup artists. They were confident with their work.
And you have to have a killer presentation and a killer photo. What you see may not be what they see and they may feel anxious.
Oh, and a little patience and persistence might help as well.

[bobbimo]

If you put do a good write up in your profile you should add that your an active heterosexual Cross dresser. Since your looking at a year before you start dating, I'd bet there is someone out there that will enjoy sharing shopping trips with her date! You could also post one of your femme pictures too.
Bobbi

[alwayshave]

Emeraude, on most dating sites the percentage of women to men is so high, statistics are on your side. So be truthful and find the woman who is not closed minded.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I've always told new girlfriends right from the start about my love of wearing women's underwear and it's never been a problem. Some even found it exciting. But hidden satin and a date with a guy in a dress are two very different things, and the proportion of women who are going to accept that is going to be small.

Honesty is the only way to go if you're looking for a long-term relationship, but I'd say look first for women as sisterly friends- having accepting friends puts you on a good foundation, and having a good foundation makes your chances of meeting someone special easier. It's even possible that someone you thought of only as a friend could turn out to be something more.

Patience my dear.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

and sexually turned off by men who are feminine in any way.
.

Actually, I don't think this is true. I think women have desired feminine men since time began - think rock stars, artists, global leaders and even Justin Bieber! There's something endearing, secure, sexy and even masculine about a man in touch with his softer side.

But most women, and I'd bet most people for that matter, wouldn't equate crossdressing as feminine. Weird, fetishistic and superficial might come to mind, but I'd bet my left leg that most women don't see a crossdresser the same way they see an emo rock star. Having a feminine side and presenting effeminately are really not the same thing, and for those not in the know (most people on planet earth!) this really is as far as they will think it.

But it is what it is, and you just have to accept that women of today are not nearly as open to this as the women of the educated future might be. So I would think the best options, Emeraude, are for you to take your time finding that rare gem who will appreciate this part of you, acknowledging the possibility you end up alone, or find a way to temper the dressing to a less important role in your life and engage all the other women who are not so interested but could tolerate limited exposure.

I've actually always thought at this point in history that the best partner for a MTF crossdresser is another MTF crossdresser, but sadly we can't choose who we're attracted to. I hope you find what you're looking for.

[Paula_Femme]

Hi Tinkerbell

You make some VERY good points, although for myself, I do have to disagree with your assertion that, "...the best partner for a MTF crossdresser is another MTF crossdresser," because that would be another GUY, and I'm only interested in GG's!

All the best
Paula

[Kate Simmons]

Only one comment. Usually when we stop looking the right person comes along. This is what happened with myself.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

" because that would be another GUY, and I'm only interested in GG's!

Haha, yeah I do get that Paula, and we really can't pick who/what we're attracted to. But there's just so many of you who are lonely and who appreciate all these femme trappings....you'd seriously be perfect for each other! Oh well...time will hopefully resolve this dilemma and as I wrote in another thread, I really do think the educated and open minded future generations of women will not bat an eye. x

[DeeDeeB]

Emeraude,

I'm with Kate. Don't try to force it, just have fun and if she is out there, you will find her. True love doesn't often come from singles bars or gay bars or trans bars, it usually comes by chance meeting. And to be accepted for who you are would best come from some one who loves you for whoever you are.

DeeDee

[DeeDeeB]

Haha, yeah I do get that Paula, and we really can't pick who/what we're attracted to. But there's just so many of you who are lonely and who appreciate all these femme trappings....you'd seriously be perfect for each other! Oh well...time will hopefully resolve this dilemma and as I wrote in another thread, I really do think the educated and open minded future generations of women will not bat an eye. x

Huh? you are posting this here why?

[Melissa Rose]

Do not bother looking for the woman of your dreams because you will not find her. No one will ever measure up to the dream expectations. However, if you are only referring to a woman interested in, accepting of or, at a minimum, tolerating of a cross dresser, they are out there, but these women are a small portion of the total.

As already noted, there are two schools of thoughts whether to be open and honest up front or to wait a while before revealing. As far as I know, there is no solid data proving one approach is better than the other, just anecdotal experiences. IMHO, your age ranges makes a difference. In general, those of an older generation will be less open to dating a cross dresser since it goes more strongly against their cultural norms as compared to those of a younger generation. We are creatures of our social and gender socialization and it takes effort for some to "undo" parts of it.

Good luck in your search. It requires patience, a thick skin and repeatedly picking yourself up after serial failures.

[Candice Mae]

The problem is that CDing is frowned upon by the majority society, and the GGs in that group see it as perverted and disgusting. They think of a linebacker in a dress when they think out CDers, and not in a comedic way... They don't see the CDs on this board who put time and their pride into their appearance.

From my time being the feminine partner in a relationship, I felt the pressure on me to try and look my best that is enforced upon me by society. I exercise and eat right to look my best, it's a lot of dedication and hard work. Some GGs that are insecure about their body my find their partners CDing as a insult to their efforts. I liked it when my ex showed appreciation for how I looked. She worked late on her birthday, I waited for her to come through the door in my robe. The look on her face when I revealed the lingerie I was wearing was empowering, her purse, coat, and shoes were still in a pile at the door in the morning.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Emeraude, , When you least expect it SHE will find YOU.

[Jackie7]

Emeraude, 12 years ago I was in your spot, losing my wife because of crossdressing among other things, wanting to get it right somehow. I started going out enfemme as much as possible, in the nearest big cities, art museums, lectures, night classes, movies. I discovered, as I had hoped, that SOME women were very interested in me and put a lot of attention on me. Not all women, nor a lot of women, but more than you might imagine. I met my second wife exactly that way -- invited to a cocktail party with a couple I had met, I went en femme with no expectations beyond a chance to meet new people, we shared a chat and she said I looked like mrs Doubtfire and she offered to help me look better. We became girlfriends and shopping buddies before we were lovers. Now we are partners in everything, including dressing up and stepping out.

Doing it the other way - meeting women and having the big reveal after a few dates, seems to me to stack the deck against you and as others have noted you might have to go on a lot of dates and risk a lot of reveals before Ms Right reveals herself. But if you somehow can get right out front with it, you vastly increase your chances. In effect you are giving Ms Right a chance to find you.

Not suggesting that this is an easy path. Risky and painful. But it did work out for me, a lot better than the first time around when I kept it a secret as long as I could.

[Rogina B]

My suggestion is to[over time] hang with the open minded people in your area. The arts,UU church,live music performances,etc are all places that you will meet accepting people. I wouldn't waste any effort on dating sites,but that is my opinion. Hang with the people of your age that "get it"..

[Emeraude]

I love reading all your comments and suggestions. One of the things I agree with, especially after what has happened to my marriage, is the need to be up front about my CD self. I don't ever want to be in the position of having that be a secret!

I was perhaps being a bit dramatic in using the phrase "the girl of my dreams", but I think Paula came close to my meaning in saying I was looking for a woman who would accept me as I am--my "authentic self" as the phrase goes. What I take from what all of you are saying (and ignoring the naysayers) is that it is possible to find such a woman. I don't have enough experience yet being "out" to quite be able to follow Jackie's advice to go out en femme and find an understanding woman that way. I am working on finding the trans community in San Diego, and then getting involved with them would come before putting that particular plan into action. Orange County is also nearby and gives me some possibilities. LA is a couple of hours up the road, but the impression I've gotten about LA is that it is largely a club scene, and that doesn't particularly attract me.

I'm not in quite as much of a rush as I might have seemed, to find a girlfriend, much less a wife. I know I need to wait even before I start dating, much less before getting into a relationship. I guess I'm asking these questions now, so I can convince myself that I'm not going to end up alone.