Dressing has died in me. Having to be my toxic father's nurse again.

[Alice Torn]

I thought that the second time my 93 yo father was admitted into the nursing home, my painful chore of taking care of him was finally over. WRONG!! After 8 months, he got stronger, and demanded my sister, with power of attorney, take him back to his home. SH-T! He has been home five months, my brother took off for months, and my sister had to retire, to move here to help, even though she cannot speak clearly at all. I have been forced to be there every evening to lift him around, and to the toilets, and back. My father never wanted me, and warned me as a boy, that i would have to take care of him when he is old. That stuck in my mind, and i sabatoged every relationship i ever started with a woman, knowing i would have to keep rescuing my parents over and over. I quit my small business twice to move back. He has had no concern for my interests, and resented he had to support me. He is getting his "pound of flesh". He has no concernsd for my pain or feelings. The ******* was not a father, but a manipualting sperm dopnor, who has everyone fooled that he is a saint, when he has always resented and treated his own wife, rest her soul, and sons, like low slaves, but expecting worship. I have been tempted to harm him, but ask a Higher Power to put him to sleep. I have lost all desire to put on any women's clothes as of the last few weeks, Zero desire. Having to do his toilet duties, has totally turned me off to wanting to dress, though i do look at my photos some. If my lousy brother ever gets back here, i will for the second time, make a Declaration of Independence from having to care for this sick, loveless man. He never, ever, should have been married. My mom was a sicko for felling sorry for him, and actually marrying him! And, they were both delusional, to have kids!!! My father loved his quarter horses, but not his sons. He should have only had horses, not kids. Dr. Laura says some people should have parakeets, not children! I don't see any dressing again for me, on the horizon. Also trying to fix my car again out in the cold. It never ends.

[Evelyn S]

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. It is hard enough taking care of a parent, and to take care of a father who did not love his family makes it all so much more difficult. I expect, though, that dressing has not died, but rather is just in hiatus while life has intervened. Be sure to take care of yourself and do special things for you, even if it's not dressing.

[Alice Torn]

Thank you Evelyn. I have been going through this 4 1/2 yrs, and feel it would be best my dad past away, as he is a miserable, totally selfish, gloom spreader all my life. He may well outlive me, I mean i could die from stress before he dies.I am not doing so well now. Thanks for you empathy, and idea.

[Samantha_Smile]

Toxic or not, you only get one dad.
If he's still of sound mind, this may be the time where you get to reconcile your differences.
At 93, he can not be long for this world, so use the time productively instead of focusing on the negative.
I know it is hard to go back on years of hurt, but take it from an A&E nurse, I witness families suffer loss on a near weekly basis...

You don't get a chance when they stop breathing.

I always think of that Mike and the Mechanics song, 'The Living Years' when I see situations like this at work, because even though you think you will be better when they're gone, you wont be.
"It's too late when we die, to admit we don't see eye to eye..."

[Alice Torn]

Smile, I know where you are coming from. I have saved his life several times. I have been in recovery for 29 years. He was an alcoholic. I have rescues this man many times, written him many letters. He has mad e it clear that he should never have married my mom, nor had SONS. He worships my sister. Smile, there are simply some people , who are so manipulative, and users, that you cannot reason with them. Many counselors i have had, told me NOT TO QUIT MY BUSINESS, AND MOVE 2000 MILES TO SERVE HIM . I did it several times. Several friends, and an uncle who knew him warned me, too. I kept giving into the guilt trips, from my evil brothers, too. "He is your dad!" Well, if Hitler, Mossolini, Pol Pot, Saddam Hussein, Charles Manson, or Stalin, were the father, I suppose it good to go sacrifice for them! There are very sick, and or EVIL parents on this earth.

[Samantha_Smile]

Then you gotta tell him this mate.
Your feelings are valid. Tell him what his existence has done and the mark it has left on the earth.
Even if it turns into a scene where you are emotionally murdering an old man, it's still valid.

I was never suggesting you try to break him down to get him to tell you that he loves you.
I mean take the time to explore your feelings. Tell him why he's a monster. Make him understand.
You won't get it until he's dead, but if you don't lay it out to him, it will eat at you. It will twist you, and it has a huge potential to screw up every relationship you enter from then on.

I wish you luck.

[Alice Torn]

I did it in the past, verbally, and later in letters, and mostr by MY ACTIONS serving, sacrificing, and being there. Actions speak louder than words, most often. There comes a point where no one can help some folks. You tear yourself inside out, and kill yourself. Some have to be let be, and be the miserables they choose to be, a bottomless pit of self pity.

[DebbieL]

What's in it for you? Why do you feel that you have to stay in an abusive relationship and deny yourself any chance at any quality of life?
Is he rich? Has he promised to leave you lots of money? Do you trust him to do it?

Abusers are master manipulators, they will play on guilt, shame, anger, and love, all to intimidate people into giving him what he wants. He did it with your mother and your brothers, and you. Have you been going to Al-Anon or ACOA? You siblings are doing what you should be doing, putting their sanity first.

He's 90 years old, and he probably started bullying kids before he started school. What are you going to do if he lives to 102?

He has the same fears you have, the same wants and needs. The difference is that he's a drinking alcoholic and a taker by nature. You have 29 years and are a giver by nature. You have learned the joy of service to others, but your resentments against your father are running amok. Might be time to do another set of steps.

Maybe it's time for you to tell him what you are, about your dressing, and let him "throw you out". Unless you plan on owning his house and the bulk of his bank accounts.
Have you seen his will?

[Alice Torn]

My sister will be taking care, as she never had a man in her life. Or my brother who is not in prison, part of the time. My dad was NOT A BULLY. He was an only son for years, and HE WAS BULLIED BY PRIESTS, AND RICH KIDS, being poor. Later, he was drafted into WW2, and really did not have to go, as an only son, but his parents were too dense to realize their only son did not have to g to war. He has been bitter about that all his life. Then, bitter, for having to work long hours in factories, to support. "you people". He is almost 94. But today, the doctor said he is in good shape. Of course, i am concerned for my father, no matter WHAT or WHO he is!!!!! I could not care for him all alone. My sister cooks for him, and tried to help move him, but needs my help. My brother takes off for five weeks at a time, leaving it to me, to help. To be human, is to be in conflict, Debbie. Having to be there everyday for five weeks, has taken my desire to dress away, for now. I don't have any mental, emotional, or physical desire to dress up. because all my energy is spent on his situation, and fixing my car, and trying to understand what my 66 yo stressed out sister, with an extreme speech impediment is saying, and she blows up after a while, if you can't decifer what she is saying. My dad is not Hitler, or any of those guys, but he is a manipulator, immature boy in a 94 yr old body, very selfish. The thing is, it goes on and on, and on, and he may live to 100. CAREGIVERS NEED CARE!!! Evelyn has it right. Too much caregiving with none of one's own needs met, = burn out. I have lots of issues, partly because of dressisng. My dad quit drinking 20 yrs agao, after a DUI. Dry alcoholic now. I am 60. To be real, is to be in conflict. Man, is normally few of days and full of trouble. Man is born to trouble as the sparks fly upward! The masses lead lives of quiet desperation. ALL THIS IS GOING TO MAKE ME A STRONGER PERSON, if i don't let it destroy me!

[Stephanie47]

I went through a similar relationship with my mother. She was toxic. I think our relationship was headed in the wrong direction when I was coming down the birth canal. Yikes! It's another boy! I wanted a girl she always said. She was abusive and domineering. Both my brother and I resisted her antics. Unfortunately, she latched onto our little sister. Mom basically destroyed her life with that "take care of me bullshit." She never accepted my wife. She ignored my children. I wrote her off. Finally, she passed on to a better place. I suspect she'll mess that place up too!

Alice, I remember your previous postings concerning "toxic man." You only have yourself to blame. He continues to strangle you. Some may not like my suggestion. Put him in a nursing home or assisted care facility. If he's a veteran you may be able to find a veterans' old folks home. Living with someone you detest is nothing more than self inflicted abuse.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Im more sorry that you have to put up with this ....bull...t. ll tell you why you are being manipulated and you dont owe this man any thing and that includes your time.

he has a hold over you to the point of your a slave to him . why .

I know he is your father no ...was ...he did not care for you when you were born ,

Ill tell you what a father means to me nothing, total absolute nothing because he tryed and was allmost successfull in murdering Mom and i, we had to flee to stay alive.

okay all i would say or would have long ago is / was, get the ...HELL... out of there.

You are being distroyed if not your on the way to...... wake up.......dont carry on like this ,

I know others and even you may think im heartless , not in any way from what you,v said,

He does not have the......(((( would you help me )))) ...... please .and i bet he never says thank you ,

And on top of this he has placed ,,,,,you,,,,, under the guilt trip.

.....HIS ...... pound of flesh. your right there ,except its yours ,


oh no, he Demands id say to him only once , you..... DEMANDED...... once to much, im gone and go .

People can think what they like about me i,v had to step in, in similar situaiions like this and get people out for their own safety and so they are not abused mentaly or phisicaly,

You know its dam hard because they have been so manipulated for so long , and think to walk away they will be hurt again if they leave ,, not so .and takes years to over come what they and you go through,i know what its like and with in our family.

get some help and get out from this prison your in,

...noeleena...

[Megan Thomas]

Yet another posting of this type from you Alice...

Listen, do yourself a favour and just say NO. Then get on with your own life.

[Alice Torn]

It is my poor sister, who cannot speak, who is really in the vortex. She has to live full time with him now, in the next room. She has power of attorney. i don't. She won't return him to a nursing home, because he can't afford it. He won't give up his three acre place, to a nursing home. When my brother returns from his "vacation", I am finished! No more. My brothers really got me into this, when they got busted by the feds, in 2009, They were both taking care of both parents, when they wee busted. i warned them that they would eventually be in prison, if they kept up what they were into, but they scoffed. When they got busted, I had to return to keep up the place, and care for my then 89 yo father. I did the wise thing, and got an apartment away from his nice place in the country. I know there is a time in the future, when restoration and healing of all things will begin, so, i hold out hope for everyone. My mom fell "asleep" with Alzheimer's two and a half years ago. I hope he goes to "sleep" soon, out of his misery, and unable to cause more of it to his family. I do respect that he is a World War 2 veteran, and did financially support the family, though. He is torn about his whole life , in conflict all his life, and full of unresolved issues, that won't be resolved until the next world.

[Katey888]

Alice - I do feel for you...

You may not be doing the right thing for you but you are doing what many of us would do through a feeling of responsibility and filial duty - I can have nothing but respect for you for that. Ones parents may not have been the best or nicest people in the world, but they are ALWAYS our parents - and they gave us the gift of this world however bittersweet that may be for some of us. I think your only compensation, Alice, is knowing that neither of you are likely to receive your just rewards for your behaviour in this life, and that if you feel you are doing the right thing by your siblings and - in a way - for your father, however badly he has treated you, then that makes you a better person for it.

I hope you have the fortitude to see it all through and that you can get to a better situation for you eventually...

Katey x

[Alice Torn]

Katey, Tears are welling up , as i read your post. I know you have gotten on my case a number of times, but i thank you for such a noble, and loving post. I am crying now, and needed to. So many posters blast me. Sometimes, a hurting person, dresser or not, is not helped by hard, tough love, even though it may be correct. You made this day a healing day, as i was about to quit the forum. I once had a white angora kitty named Katy, with a blue and a golden eye. Best kitty i ever owned, lived 21 yrs. Good day to you. You made mine good. And you look terrific in your avatar!

[suzanne]

Why in h### do you feel you owe that son of Satan anything? He has treated you very shoddily all your life and to you he is nothing more than a sperm donor. Who you "owe" are the people around you who love you and support you and kept you from killing yourself out of the feelings of low self esteem you likely inherited from your donor. Most of all, you owe it to yourself to be rid of that monster and go live your own life. That's what I did. My angry, raging, psychotic father made me feel worthless all the years I was growing up and so when I left for my second year at university, I was gone for good. That was thirty five years ago. He's still alive, believing he did nothing wrong and that I am an ungrateful s.o.b anf probably has quite a few people believing the same about me, but that's okay. My mom and brothers know, and I put all my energy into my own wife and kids. Cut the cord and have the life you deserve.

[Megan Thomas]

Alice, I read your post no.13 and all I saw was you putting forward reasons to put off stopping this in its tracks. It's excuses which allow the situation you bemoan to continue unchanged. Rightly or wrongly, until you do something different nothing will change, ever! That's the simple fact of your situation and no amount of writing about your "toxic" family here or anywhere else on the internet will make things better in the long term.

It's a cycle of co-dependency, in which you allow or even create the circumstances that bother you most to continue - and so the cycle continues once more. Break the cycle!!

[Sarah Beth]

My wife and I moved to a place we don't really want to be and never planned to be some 20 years ago because of the failing health of first here parents and then stayed because of my parents. I gave a up a career to do it and my wife never could get back into her career either. We have made the best of it because this is something we felt we had to do becaue other siblings were not willing to take on the responsibility of it.

Unlike you my parents were good to me, and cared about and always wanted the best for me. Maybe that's why I felt like I had to stay here for them. I don't envy you in what you are going through but I can sympathize with you. It can be difficult taking care of people in their later stages of life.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

...you are doing what many of us would do through a feeling of responsibility and filial duty....

My dad was a lousy father. I felt zero desire to inflict his selfishness on my super-generous wife, when his 3rd (gold-digger) wife got sick of nursing him and asked us to help. I did visit him in his last year, but as ever his emotionlessness meant that we never did 'connect' and I am glad we didn't ruin our lives helping him.

He died intestate - his wife got everything. I consider the price of my detachment from him to have been worth every penny. And yes, I've been told many times, 'oh you must forgive him, you're damaging yourself by holding a grudge'. So be it.

All I can say is that I'm not Alice. I regret nothing, and I do not feel I owed my father some debt of gratitude because he fancied my mother enough to make her pregnant.

Katey888's incredible kindness and sensitivity is deeply admirable. Maybe in the next life I'll have some fraction of that tenderness.

As is, I feel Alice has made the choice to allow her father to live his life at the expense of hers, and I hope the satisfaction of knowing that she did not turn her back on him (and her sister) despite his appalling behaviour, will be some compensation for those lost years.

Good luck Alice- sorry I can't offer you more.

Nikki

[Amy Fakley]

I have some unfortunate experience in this area. My grandmother on my father's side was a person of similar ilk. She had almost no redeeming qualities, she was vengeful, petty, manipulative and especially as she got older, an unrepentant pain in the ass about every last imaginable thing. My grandfather died in '88 and almost from that moment and for the next 23 years she did absolutely nothing but stay high on prescription pain killers, watch soap operas and refuse to do a damn thing for herself. As Her Health Declined over the years she became more and more dependent ... including so much disgusting stuff I don't want to remember .. and of course absolutely refusing to let anyone other than family deal with it, because she wouldn't stop picking fights and being abusive to the staff at every home health outfit and nursing home in town.

By the end she was known. She had even run off hospice. She stayed in An ER for the last week of her life. The hospital even refused to admit her. It wasn't even a money thing, as she had the most amazing health insurance (grandfathered in from the 60's when people got real benefits I guess) . She was just that much of an a-hole. Not even joking.

It took her almost 30 years to unwind a life that she clearly had very little interest in actually living. She was just too scared to die I guess. She had 4 sons. Three of them got suckered in by her manipulation and basically aborted any chance at a life of their own by their 30's. Two of them died of cancer, one in his 50's, the other in his early 40's. My dad walked away, everyone hated him for it, but he got to live his life. The son that stayed is free, since she finally passed on last year, but he's self destructing now, in a way that is disturbingly similar to how she did when my grandfather passed on. We try to help, but truthfully there's not much we can do.

I hate to say it, but I think my dad was the only one with the right answer in that situation. It was harsh. He refused to help at all, and I ended up doing his part for him. I do resent him for that, but I understand his reasons. Some people are not worth sacrificing your life for. You only get one, same as they did. They made choices that led to things being how they are. You have the same right. In the end, that's all any of us have, and life is for the living. Maybe it's time to use your feet.

[Teresa]

Alice,
I do feel for you when you have a father like that !
Mine was pretty awful and abusive, usual stuff too much drink and smoking but he only got one bite of the cherry ! Went in for tests on liver and lungs and bled to death from a liver biopsy and that was at 53 !

Sorry Smile you may see it happen and say you should try and reconcile ! No one missed him !
One comment that really hurt at the time was from a drinking friend of his , he said he was like a father to me ! I replied , " I wish he was to me ! "

Alice if you dressed in front of him saying I'm here to help but this how I choose to dress ! What would he say or do ? Had you thought about ever doing it and call his bluff ?

[AllieSF]

Alice, I commend you on your dedication. It is not easy and causes much pain for you as you try to live your own life. The key thing here is your dedication to do what you think is right, whether any of us feel the same way. You need a place to vent and this site is as good as any other. I was never really religious even after 11 years of church schooling. However, I have come to realize that I have a spiritual side and believe that we are all put on this glorious and screwed up world to do our best as best we can. Some people will carry around a lot of burdens, their own and some of those around them. What is important is how we each individually deal with our obstacles to a happier life. In my opinion, you are doing wonderfully. Other people's problems drag you down and then you eventually bounce back. You will do it again and probably sooner rather than later.

Along with that big person up above, I thank you for being you and taking on a task that many, probably me included, would run away from. That takes courage and a strong sense of responsibility. Hugs to you and I hope you feel better as a result of this post. We will see you again soon.

[donnalee]

Alice, I think I understand your pain, no matter how self-inflicted it may be. I think a lot of your posts are an expression of a feeling of helplessness because you are doing something you hate, but are compelled to do and this is perhaps the only outlet you have to express your dismay.
Fix the car; it will at least give you a feeling of physical ability to flee, no matter how emotionally tied to the situation you are. Is there a heated workspace that a friend might let you use, or could be rented reasonably? Fixing cars is enough of a pain without freezing to death in the process. Look on it as a form of meditation; if you can concentrate on the job at hand and not be distracted by your troubles, every bit of progress is a step in the right direction.
Have you isolated the problem to a single part or group of parts? I'm a pretty decent shade-tree mechanic; PM me with the symptoms; perhaps I can help.

[NicoleScott]

Blood may be thicker than water, but not infinitely so. There's a limit to how much abuse a person should take for the sake of family. The time to put some distance between the miserable and the miserable-maker was long ago.

[lingerieLiz]

Several questions come to mind for me. Is your sister mentally competent and able to support herself. Are you able to support yourself? I ask because I've seen situations very similar where children became enslaved or believed they were to their parents. I'm not condemning you for your situation we all have histories that make us what we are. You have to make your decisions based on your situations and your commitment to your sister. You can't fix your father he will continue on as he chooses. You can help your sister escape his clutches. Neither of you have to continue being his indentured servents. You may love him, but not like him. I know someone going through much the same situation except their parent was going to die shortly several years ago. Your father could live to his hundreds and where will you be?

It sounds like he resents life. So he served in WWII so did a lot of other men who would have liked not too. Many of them died doing it. Reading your posts tells me your father blames the world for his failures. There are many people who resent everything and everybody else's success.