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  1. #1
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    Smile So I'm dating a trans man

    I met him in a trans support group several months ago. We didn't see each other for several months - and then ran into one another a few weeks back at a different trans support group meeting. We talked for a bit - I quite liked him, but never had a way to stay in touch with him. So I made sure he left with my number. (That was kind of forward, perhaps, but even if we just ended up as friends, I really did like him and wanted to stay in touch.)

    So he called me up, asked me out, and well, it went wonderfully. We've gone out several times now, and I am just really crazy about him - to put it mildly. I have never dated a man before, but this guy is beyond anything I'd ever imagined. He's just so real and authentic - I know with every fiber of my being that he's not only a man, but he's the best man I've ever met. And he makes me feel so natural - when we are together, we're just a man and a woman. Sure, our transness is a part of us, but when we are together, we're just a man and a woman - and it's as if none of the other stuff, our biology, our histories, none of it seems real at all.

    I love talking with him. I love being with him. I think we both feel like we were two puzzle pieces that just snap together perfectly - we somehow make more sense together than apart.

    This is all moving way too fast - I realize that, but I seem to be powerless to do much about it. I've really fallen for this guy. I've never experienced feelings like these before - well, not so intense anyway.

    I'd thought about asking for advice on "how to date a trans guy", and sure, I'll take any that any of you have, particularly from the trans guys here. But I don't even know that I need much advice. Being with this guy is the most natural thing I've ever experienced. It's just so easy - we both just seem to understand each other. I really get him as a man. He really gets me as a woman.

    I feel so incredibly lucky to have met such a wonderful man. If being trans is the price to be with him, and he with me, then I think it's worth it.

  2. #2
    Ice queen Lorileah's Avatar
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    Good for you. Love doesn't care who you date
    The earth is the mother of all people and all people should have equal rights upon it.
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    “Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” - Fred Rogers,

  3. #3
    Senior Member Bria's Avatar
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    Paula, I've followed your posts for a little over a year now and have seen how your life has progressed, this is the most positive and upbeat post that I've seen. I'm so glad that your life has turned a corner and you are in a happy place. I hope that this continues to be a positive part of your life.

    As always, I will remember you in my Prayers!

    Hugs, Bria

  4. #4
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    It occurs to me that as people transition from one gender to another or as we dress for periods of time, we get to reshape who we want to be. We carry the experiences we've had into a new situation, but we're not trapped by the previous situation as we are in a different space.

    My second wife and I have talked about this and it is the second marriage for her also. What we realize is that we can take what we learned before and use it to be better partners. In 9 years, we've argued maybe twice. With my first wife, it was just about a weekly occurance. Basically we know what caused problems before and we just don't have to go there. We're not trying to settle old scores and heal old wounds as it is a new person and a new situation.

  5. #5
    Aspiring Member LelaK's Avatar
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    It's nice to see on this entire forum that people can tell the difference between a person and their "vehicle" or "body" and address the person instead of the vehicle.
    T-shirt says: "Hi, I Crossdress!"

  6. #6
    Curmudgeon Member donnalee's Avatar
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    Aaaww!

    It's not how the package is wrapped, it's what's inside that counts.
    ALWAYS plan for the worst, then you can be pleasantly surprised if something else happens!

    "The important thing about the bear is not how well she dances, but that she dances at all." - Old Russian Proverb (with a gender change)

  7. #7
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    I wish I had some statistics. I'm not sure why, but straight relationships between two trans persons seem not extremely common. I see lots of gay / lesbian relationships between trans people. I see some gay / lesbian relationships between cis and trans people, and a fair number of straight relationships between cis and trans people. I'm not sure if that's really the case, it's just what I've noticed.

    Mostly what I see around trans men and women is a lot of loneliness.

    It's a little weird, being able to show a picture of him to people, and have them find it totally unremarkable that we are together. (We just look like a straight cis couple.)

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by donnalee View Post
    Aaaww!

    It's not how the package is wrapped, it's what's inside that counts.
    And such is the actual nature of bisexuality...

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by flatlander_48 View Post
    And such is the actual nature of bisexuality...
    I've been thinking about this a lot lately - what am I exactly. I'm in a straight relationship. I don't seem to be a lesbian - I just don't have much of any attraction to women anymore, or I don't seem to. I guess I'm bisexual, since I've been with both men and women, but in my heart of hearts, I suspect I'll never be with a woman again. Those relationships have just never worked out, nor ended well for me.

    I don't think labels make much sense in the trans* world.

    If I'm really honest, I think the situation may have been that I always wanted to BE the woman I was dating, and secretly had crushes on the men I'd befriended. That feels just really dishonest and pretty yucky. I'm not particularly proud of myself about that. No, not at all. Or maybe I am just being harsh on myself, and I do still like women some. I don't have the time nor inclination to even think about anyone else right now, anyway.

    It's pretty confusing though. I guess I've never been repulsed at the thought of being with another woman - I've done that plenty of times. I just don't get much out of it, and never have, really. I have no idea what that really means, in terms of a label. I don't guess it matters.

    It's just as well, I guess. My guy's ex-wife pretty much dumped him, announcing she was a lesbian, and couldn't live a lie anymore. (He and I really do come at just about everything from opposite directions.) I really don't want him to worry about that with me.

    BTW, if you think of sexual orientation in terms of anatomy, rather than gender, probably everything I've written in this post makes absolutely zero sense to you.

  10. #10
    Valley Girl Michelle789's Avatar
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    I've been dating a trans man for almost five months and it has been the most wonderful experience. He is also the first person I have ever been in a relationship with. One thing is he always tells me how I am all woman, and I tell him that he is all man. He always tells me how beautiful I am, and how I am so adorable. I met another MTF/FTM couple yesterday at a support group for FTM and their significant others, friends, families, and allies.

    I also like how he is all man, and he is willing to show his feelings. He is also fun to cuddle with
    I've finally mastered the art of making salads. My favorite is a delicious Mediterranean salad.

  11. #11
    Transman Andy66's Avatar
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    Good for you, Paula. I dont have any advice. Everyone is an individual, and I dont think there is any trans formula for making things work... just honesty, respect, patience... the usual things that help make a good relationship.

  12. #12
    Martini Girl Katey888's Avatar
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    How cool is that...?

    Somehow, that all seems to make sense, Paula... but of course, we all should know that this is about feelings and not sense..

    I'm really pleased for you both (and Michelle too..) - I have no specific experiential advice to give, other than just make the most of it - be happy and have a great time!

    Katey x
    "Put some lipstick on - Perfume your neck and slip your high heels on
    Rinse and curl your hair - Loosen your hips, and get a dress to wear"
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  13. #13
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    Good for you, Paula. As you know, I always counsel caution in relationships, but I also think you owe yourself a good time.
    The years to come seemed waste of breath,
    A waste of breath the years behind

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    Thanks all! One of the things that sort of surprised me about the two of us is that we don't really seem to care all that much about what's in one another's pants. It's just not a problem. He's a man, I'm a woman, and we just work on that level.

    We went to a TDOR vigil and service last night here in Dallas. I'd never been to one before, and I cried a lot. He was there with me, and really comforted me. I can let my guard down with him in a way I've just never been able to do before. I'm pretty strong - but I know he's there for me when I'm not. It's a great feeling.

    We make a great looking couple, I've been told. I'll probably end up marrying this guy - lol. But we'll get to know each other better, first. (I hope - seriously, whatever this is we're feeling, it is completely overwhelming for both of us. I've had relationships before - but wow, nothing like this. We both say things like "OK, we're going too fast. Let's slow this down," and then we um, don't slow down.)

    I think some of what we feel is that we really validate each other, him as a man, and me as a woman. I mean we really validate one another.

    I have to admit that I really am having a good time! I've also never felt this happy before. He really is just one helluva man.

  15. #15
    Senior Member Bria's Avatar
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    Paula, I think sometimes our lives are like turning the pages of a book. After we finish with the questions and answers on one page and turn to the next, we find questions that we had not considered before. Then we work to answer that set, so I think that you have just turned the page and are now looking at the next steps in your life.

    Before you transitioned those pages weren't in your book! Just keep moving forward.

    Hugs, Bria

  16. #16
    stone free mykell's Avatar
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    hi paula,
    nice to read that you are happy in a way you never thought possible, such a positive vibe,
    hope things continue to work for you both on your new journey ....keep us updated....
    ....Mykell
    i dressed like a girl and i liked it! crossdressing...theirs an app for that those who deny freedom deserve it not for themselves
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  17. #17
    Valley Girl Michelle789's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PaulaQ View Post
    I'm not sure why, but straight relationships between two trans persons seem not extremely common.
    Cody and I are Mr. and Mrs. Trans in our church (which has a relative large trans community) and TG support group. I do know of at least one other transman/transwoman couple - I met them recently at a TG support group for FTM and their spouses - I went there last month with Cody and I met the other couple.

    I have seen FTM/MTF couples at least twice in youtube documentaries about transgender people. One was two teenagers, and the other one was two people somewhere in their 30s or 40s.

    I also know of a couple that's a transwoman and a genderqueer that goes to our church.

    Quote Originally Posted by PaulaQ View Post
    He and I really do come at just about everything from opposite directions.
    Same thing with Cody and I. Neither of us lost a spouse to get to where we are, and we're both the same age - he's one month older than me.

    One nice thing about being in a trans/trans relationship is that we (usually) don't have to worry about mis-gendering, although I have heard of trans/trans couples getting into arguments and than mis-gendering each other. But it is really nice that Cody sees me as a woman, even if he sees me with my wig off, 5:00 shadow, or naked. He is the only one that will ever see me like that, and I am looking to the day that my beard and 5:00 shadow is completely gone. He still sees me as a woman even though I have the wrong parts.
    I've finally mastered the art of making salads. My favorite is a delicious Mediterranean salad.

  18. #18
    Member Brianna_H's Avatar
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    This post is the sweetest thing ever. EVAR!!!!!

    <3

    Congratulations, Paula. Love truly is a many-splendored thing.
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  19. #19
    Gold Member bridget thronton's Avatar
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    That is just marvelous - i hope the happiness continues to grow

  20. #20
    Girl underconstruction Paulette's Avatar
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    So happy for the both of you. It must be so nice to be pursued and allowed to be yourself.
    Just and older girl trying to experience all that life can bring.
    "Life is not a dress rehearsal"

  21. #21
    Valley Girl Michelle789's Avatar
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    Cody and I aren't officially Mr. and Mrs. Trans, although it's implied by others at church and at our TG support group. In a certain way it places more pressure on us so I try not to think that way - I mean I try not to think of us as Mr. and Mrs. Trans but rather just as another couple.
    I've finally mastered the art of making salads. My favorite is a delicious Mediterranean salad.

  22. #22
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    this is so great! Congratulations!

  23. #23
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    Best of luck to Michelle and Paula (and their men too!).

  24. #24
    Senior Member MsVal's Avatar
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    This post is a major departure from your often painfully frank posts wherein you've chronicled some of the trials you have endured.

    The joy and excitement you feel are far too long overdue. You have reaffirmed faith in the human spirit.

    I wish you two continued happiness.

    Best wishes
    MsVal

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    I took him to thanksgiving dinner with my family today. My mom really seemed to like him a lot. I think she's really happy I'm in a straight relationship. She's never actually liked anyone I've ever brought home before...

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