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Thread: So I'm dating a trans man

  1. #26
    Bad Influence mechamoose's Avatar
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    Paula, that is SO cool, and I'm VERY happy for you!

    The idea of an intimate relationship is that it is with someone who understands you and who *GETS* you.

    Lucky girl!

    I have a related thing with my girl, who is a guy in a girl's body. We have been together for what? 25 years?

    You deserve to be happy, and you deserve to be understood.

    Again, I'm **SO** happy for you!

    (Is he a member here?)

    <3

    - MM
    - Madame 'Kitty' Moose

    I yam what I yam and tha's all what I yam." -- Popeye the Sailor

    "If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And when I am for myself, what am 'I'? And if not now, when?"

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  2. #27
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    @MM - No, he's not a member here. I've introduced him to some cross dressers here locally, but he really doesn't completely get it. Which is all sorts of ironic, in some respects. He very strongly identifies male - the idea that someone wouldn't identify strongly as one gender or the other is odd to him. He understands that some don't, and knows others who don't, but he really doesn't completely understand such things. Does your SO identify as male then, or is it just a really strong tendency in her behavior? The really nice thing about our relationship is that it just seems very natural. I'm a woman, he's a man. We love each other, and are together. It's really simple.

    @Kristina - Thanks so much hon! Being in a relationship with him is the most natural feeling thing I've ever experienced.

  3. #28
    Aspiring Member LelaK's Avatar
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    It's nice to see on this entire forum that people can tell the difference between a person and their "vehicle" or "body" and address the person instead of the vehicle.
    T-shirt says: "Hi, I Crossdress!"

  4. #29
    Curmudgeon Member donnalee's Avatar
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    Aaaww!

    It's not how the package is wrapped, it's what's inside that counts.
    ALWAYS plan for the worst, then you can be pleasantly surprised if something else happens!

    "The important thing about the bear is not how well she dances, but that she dances at all." - Old Russian Proverb (with a gender change)

  5. #30
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    I wish I had some statistics. I'm not sure why, but straight relationships between two trans persons seem not extremely common. I see lots of gay / lesbian relationships between trans people. I see some gay / lesbian relationships between cis and trans people, and a fair number of straight relationships between cis and trans people. I'm not sure if that's really the case, it's just what I've noticed.

    Mostly what I see around trans men and women is a lot of loneliness.

    It's a little weird, being able to show a picture of him to people, and have them find it totally unremarkable that we are together. (We just look like a straight cis couple.)

  6. #31
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    Quote Originally Posted by donnalee View Post
    Aaaww!

    It's not how the package is wrapped, it's what's inside that counts.
    And such is the actual nature of bisexuality...

  7. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by flatlander_48 View Post
    And such is the actual nature of bisexuality...
    I've been thinking about this a lot lately - what am I exactly. I'm in a straight relationship. I don't seem to be a lesbian - I just don't have much of any attraction to women anymore, or I don't seem to. I guess I'm bisexual, since I've been with both men and women, but in my heart of hearts, I suspect I'll never be with a woman again. Those relationships have just never worked out, nor ended well for me.

    I don't think labels make much sense in the trans* world.

    If I'm really honest, I think the situation may have been that I always wanted to BE the woman I was dating, and secretly had crushes on the men I'd befriended. That feels just really dishonest and pretty yucky. I'm not particularly proud of myself about that. No, not at all. Or maybe I am just being harsh on myself, and I do still like women some. I don't have the time nor inclination to even think about anyone else right now, anyway.

    It's pretty confusing though. I guess I've never been repulsed at the thought of being with another woman - I've done that plenty of times. I just don't get much out of it, and never have, really. I have no idea what that really means, in terms of a label. I don't guess it matters.

    It's just as well, I guess. My guy's ex-wife pretty much dumped him, announcing she was a lesbian, and couldn't live a lie anymore. (He and I really do come at just about everything from opposite directions.) I really don't want him to worry about that with me.

    BTW, if you think of sexual orientation in terms of anatomy, rather than gender, probably everything I've written in this post makes absolutely zero sense to you.

  8. #33
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    Sorry, I should have been more descriptive and less cryptic. Can't even claim lateness of the hour with that one!

    My point was intended to be very general. donnalee's statement captured the essence of Bisexuality in that a person's sex is less of a gating factor and the mental aspects of attraction assume greater relative importance.

    PQ, in your situation, I think perhaps more brewing time may be needed. You've gone through, and continue to go through, a LOT of changes in a relatively short period of time. In many ways, much of what you knew prior to the last few years has been turned upside down (and in some cases, literally!). I think time allows us to separate the real nuggets of information from the background noise. In the meantime, catch your breath and enjoy the good things that are happening!

  9. #34
    Senior Member Bria's Avatar
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    Paula, I think sometimes our lives are like turning the pages of a book. After we finish with the questions and answers on one page and turn to the next, we find questions that we had not considered before. Then we work to answer that set, so I think that you have just turned the page and are now looking at the next steps in your life.

    Before you transitioned those pages weren't in your book! Just keep moving forward.

    Hugs, Bria

  10. #35
    Valley Girl Michelle789's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PaulaQ View Post
    I'm not sure why, but straight relationships between two trans persons seem not extremely common.
    Cody and I are Mr. and Mrs. Trans in our church (which has a relative large trans community) and TG support group. I do know of at least one other transman/transwoman couple - I met them recently at a TG support group for FTM and their spouses - I went there last month with Cody and I met the other couple.

    I have seen FTM/MTF couples at least twice in youtube documentaries about transgender people. One was two teenagers, and the other one was two people somewhere in their 30s or 40s.

    I also know of a couple that's a transwoman and a genderqueer that goes to our church.

    Quote Originally Posted by PaulaQ View Post
    He and I really do come at just about everything from opposite directions.
    Same thing with Cody and I. Neither of us lost a spouse to get to where we are, and we're both the same age - he's one month older than me.

    One nice thing about being in a trans/trans relationship is that we (usually) don't have to worry about mis-gendering, although I have heard of trans/trans couples getting into arguments and than mis-gendering each other. But it is really nice that Cody sees me as a woman, even if he sees me with my wig off, 5:00 shadow, or naked. He is the only one that will ever see me like that, and I am looking to the day that my beard and 5:00 shadow is completely gone. He still sees me as a woman even though I have the wrong parts.
    I've finally mastered the art of making salads. My favorite is a delicious Mediterranean salad.

  11. #36
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    Quote Originally Posted by flatlander_48 View Post
    PQ, in your situation, I think perhaps more brewing time may be needed. You've gone through, and continue to go through, a LOT of changes in a relatively short period of time.
    Yeah, I'm not too worried about it. I don't think it all really matters. About all I really do know is that when I started my transition, I was worried that I'd probably never date another cis woman again - would want me?!?! Now? I'm actually just fine with that. Kind of sad, really - I wasted so much of my time, as well as that of my ex-wives on relationships that fundamentally couldn't ever have worked.

    Quote Originally Posted by Michelle789
    One was two teenagers
    If they were from Oklahoma, I know them.

    I'm sort of worried about becoming "mr. & mrs. trans."

    It really is great that Pat and I just "get" each other, same as you and Cody.

  12. #37
    Valley Girl Michelle789's Avatar
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    Cody and I aren't officially Mr. and Mrs. Trans, although it's implied by others at church and at our TG support group. In a certain way it places more pressure on us so I try not to think that way - I mean I try not to think of us as Mr. and Mrs. Trans but rather just as another couple.
    I've finally mastered the art of making salads. My favorite is a delicious Mediterranean salad.

  13. #38
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    Quote Originally Posted by PaulaQ View Post
    Yeah, I'm not too worried about it. I don't think it all really matters. About all I really do know is that when I started my transition, I was worried that I'd probably never date another cis woman again - would want me?!?! Now? I'm actually just fine with that. Kind of sad, really - I wasted so much of my time, as well as that of my ex-wives on relationships that fundamentally couldn't ever have worked.
    Yes, but we have to remember that the Human Experience has a very large Trial and Error component. I mean, if we had never tasted Brussel Sprouts, how would we know what to think of them? There are vry few ways to substitute for that.

    Another aspect is that Humans are capable of Hope; as long as there is a glimmer of a chance (and sometimes even not), it is enough for us to continue. However, if we knew how an experiment (or a given situation) was going to turn out, why would we bother to do it? And that's the key: we don't know.

  14. #39
    Bad Influence mechamoose's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PaulaQ View Post
    Does your SO identify as male then, or is it just a really strong tendency in her behavior? The really nice thing about our relationship is that it just seems very natural. I'm a woman, he's a man. We love each other, and are together. It's really simple.
    IRL, my mate is a big, curvy woman. Her personality is *all* male. It shows in her clothing choices (from female clothing) what stuff she 'hangs out in, how she responds to stuff, emotionally, how she speaks, etc. She said she'd go to CD/TS/TG events with me, but she wanted a (male) suit to do it in.

    I'm the opposite. I'm a big burly guy with a female inside.

    It feels natural, and it just fits.

    <3

    - MM
    - Madame 'Kitty' Moose

    I yam what I yam and tha's all what I yam." -- Popeye the Sailor

    "If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And when I am for myself, what am 'I'? And if not now, when?"

    - Hillel the Elder

  15. #40
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    I think one of the common fears that trans men have about dating trans women is the fear of being rejected should the trans woman have GCS (bottom surgery.) The fear goes like this "what if she decides she wants the real thing post-op, and abandons me?"

    I dunno, I guess some women might think like that. I don't. It's not like I'll get a real set of reproductive organs installed. Far from it! And to me, genitals are the least important part of the relationship - I'll get mine changed only to make myself feel better about my own body. I am not in love with a set of genitals - I'm in love with a man.

    I believe "dance with the one who brung you," I guess.

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