What if the femme side is the real side?
What if we suppressed our real nature- our 'authentic self' -when we were very young, and the emergence of our femme sides in later life is simply a reawakening of the gentle, feminine side stripped of all its macho, he-man posturing?
What if the dresses and wigs are just a metaphor for the gentle side that got kicked into touch so long ago, in order for us to survive in this rough, scary playground?
very well can bed true for many.
What if I was a foot taller? What if I was 20 seconds faster in the 100 yard dash? I'd be playing in the NFL! What iffing is just a wast of time.
Nice post Nikki
To be fair Jennifer the examples you provide aren't quite the same because they are examples of something was different in the past, whereas this is speculation about the nature of our being in the present. Can't blame a girl for wanting to understand the nature of our non-conformity!Originally Posted by Jenniferathome
Hi Jen, you're 3,680 posts ahead of me- gimme a break. I'm still trying to understand what's happened to me
For many of us Nikki, the feminine side IS the real side! We are all a very complex mixture of emotions, talents, and ideas - so unique that we are classified as individuals - somewhat the same but different from each other! IMO it is always great to dream, imagine, and try what makes us confident and comfortable to express all our facets. Enjoy.
For me, it's just a simple part of me as a whole. Without it I'd be a very different guy....
Trying to come to grips with this lovely thing called Crossdressing.
Thankful there is a place to ask for help.
I think it's always real. For some of us. We create a false persona of manliness and a macho like image because we were born male. For others, the manly macho is also just as real as the feminine.
Too much thinking Nikki,
What if is even in a spreadsheet I have these days.
It does not give me a true answer either.
Work on your elegance,
and beauty will follow.
this^
there is no real side or fake side, its just a part of who you are.
its not like you have split personalities, at least im assuming you don't.
now with crossdressing alot of times we see our selves as being two different people, or living two different lives.
you have to look deep within yourself to discover who you really are.
you have to see past both the facade & the fantasy.
not saying im an expert or anything, but thats my personal opinion.
I get your drift Nikki. However I have long ago come to the conclusion that I am just a guy who enjoys wearing female apparel.
I am Requal when Requal and me when me.
I gave up thinking about what side I am I on a long time ago.
Actually, Nickki, that's exactly how some of us feel about it. I'm one of them.
i truly wonder, when i'm a girl i'm all girl, when i'm the male i fantasize about the female me...hmm i guess i'm a girl. I remember when i first, as a kid discovered cross-dressing I was wearing my moms pantyhose and panties to bed and how badly i wished i was a girl for a day.
(bold emphasis is mine)
I think the femme side IS a real side. But it is how you describe it, "a side": a facet, a part of. This is what being a CD is all about, non-conforming gender.
I've noticed among some (many?) CDers there is a struggle to see which is "the" gender identity, male or female. I think the struggle exists because we really only see either males or females around us all the time, and "male" and "female" are binary states (either/or, on/off). If a CDer experiences both sides, then it makes sense there should be conflict, because I think most of us do expect to conform to the world that we know and see around us (either male OR female).
Transsexuals and cispersons (a cisperson is someone who is comfortable with their birth sex) don't have two sides, they are binary (either male or female). And so there is no struggle to figure out which "side" is real. I need to add that some TSs do struggle with the fear of potential loss when contemplating switching their lives around, but this is not the same struggle as trying to figure out who they are. They know who they are, there are no "sides".
It seems to me as if it might be helpful for a CDer to accept that the desire to be feminine is a part of who he is and to happily live with both "sides", in other words, redefine his definition of himself as a crossdresser (or any other word you might prefer) instead of a man like the men who do not crossdress?
Reine
well, i don't wear dresses or makeup every single day....and
neither do +80% of women here where i live....
but, i have figured out how to be fully dressed "correctly" and
go about my days normally anywhere i need to go. so i guess i'm
at least somewhat feminine appearing always. (probably more
than i think...lol!)
i couldn't explain exactly 'why'...but even wearing guys things
bothers me quite a lot. but my normal clothes aren't necessarily
excessively girly. and again...neither are the majority of women
here.
i'm not trying to copy women, just feel "right". and again...i couldn't
explain that in a million years...
♥
I'm with Lee Andrews and Reine - it's one aspect of the whole person for me. When I'm en femme, that's part of the real me. When I'm not en femme that is also part of the real me. I suspect if varies for different people. For some, maybe the femme side is the "real" or whole person. For others, like me, it's just one side of the "real" or whole person.
Best wishes finding where you fit and who the "real" person is.
Really tricky question... to which I have no answer... or the answer may vary depending on how I feel during the day.
After quite a long time in my life... during which I spent a great deal of time and energy trying to suppress my feminine side... I enventually came to the realization that : it won't be going anytime soon, because it's part of myself.
Of course that doesn't answer the main question. Who am I? What am I?
Every single day, I ask myself those two questions. Am I a man? A woman trapped in the wrong body? I know I always felt I was born with the wrong gender. I know deep inside I long for something else than just dressing. And there are days when I feel just terrible with my male self... but others when I'm perfectly fine with my male self. Maybe I'm overthinking this altogether, and I'm pretty much sure counseling would be a big help.
And maybe the answer is not that much important. I'm just me, and I just need to accept fully who I am.
Pretty much the way it seems to me.
Second star to the right and straight on till morning
You nailed it. Masculinity and femininity are not innate qualities of being male or female. Everybody possesses a mixture of so-called masculine and feminine characteristics but men in particular are encouraged to suppress their "feminine side." See The Mask You Live In. This was especially true in the working class environment I grew up in where machismo ruled supreme and being seen as a sissy was a potential death sentence. But, you can't suppress it forever. Sooner or later it has to come out. Crossdressing/crossdreaming, albeit a distortion, is a fairly benign way to attempt re-connection with the part we've tried to suppress.
We live in a world that sees things as masculine or feminine to an extreme degree. Hell we even describes some colors that way! You shouldnt confuse this cultural distortion with reality if you can. (Not to say that it is easy). So in my opinion neither really describes anyone, and the description is particularly poor for transgendered folks like ourselves.
I think Reine has hit the generality of this for me, Nikki - for those of us who the femme side really is do end up heading towards 24/7 living or transition - and this idea speaks volumes to me (as repressed as I continue to be..):
It probably would help me to migrate towards the 'androgynous zone' more... I guess I do a little already with the eyebrows, nails, but not in any dress way outside the home... too much fear of being called out... so it's still better for me to get the 'full femulation' hit once every few weeks.. and then back (largely) to drab...
But both parts are just facets or aspects of a complete me... it's just better and probably healthier when the complete me gets out more...
Katey x
"Put some lipstick on - Perfume your neck and slip your high heels on
Rinse and curl your hair - Loosen your hips, and get a dress to wear" Stefani Germanotta
I've come to realize that whether it's only an act that we enjoy, or it's what we want to be, the 'femme side' is something that is an integral part of who we are, not just an acting job we do such as in a play. As much as we might not want to accept it, to a certain extent we all have feminine feelings, emotions and desires, even if we can't yet accept it as who we are. I've learned to accept and appreciate it; now, if only I could find a woman who would as well.
Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.
It is for me my fem side is the real side, I have been pretending all my life, I am just now starting to be the real me.
Thanks for posting this! I watched the trailer in the link and I hope that every single male in our culture will watch the movie when it comes out.
I remember after the Columbine school shooting (1999), there were a slew of talk shows with experts and books that came out discussing the very idea that we need to teach our boys that it's OK to let others in and be vulnerable. One book title was something like Boys who don't cry, shoot bullets.
Not all boys grow up to not let anyone in. I think that many (most?) men who marry and have kids learn both through the process of maturing and through their wives that it's OK to feel and express emotion … maybe not in public, but certainly among loved ones. But, some men do wear much thicker masks than others and I wonder if CDers in general are part of this category simply because they feel they have more to hide than men who do not CD - so they might be less apt to put the mask down, unless they crossdress.
Reine
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