Wrong side of the boundaries !!

[Teresa]

I was going to write this anyway but Steffi's OP about new CDing limits has spurred me to do it !

I may ruffle a few feathers but the boundary situation at times looks ridiculous !
The ones of us who are living with partners in various stages of acceptance are tending to forget that we live equally in the house with our wives. She can do what she likes , wear what she likes and go where she likes ! Why do so many of us accept we don't have the same freedom in our own home ?
She allows us like some child to wear clothes, (which probably belong to us anyway) when she leaves the house, and will ring before she returns !
It's almost as if three people live in the house and your having some sort of an affair ! She has basically laid down these boundaries and yet unwittingly alienated herself from her own house, she can't open her door freely to enter and has put herself the wrong side of her own boundaries !

Who these boundaries are meant to protect is hard to say ! As a CDer you can't make cast iron promises where it's going to take you, not because of lying but because of none of us can truthfully say we know ! They don't really help your partner because the fact she doesn't know or want to know, when you spiral out of control she will partly have to accept that it's her fault !
When I told my wife about my shaved legs, she asked me if I was getting worse ? Possibly no worse than twenty years ago, but if you choose not to know or have set unworkable boundaries then it may appear to be getting worse !

I would like thank Reine and Isha for sharing and showing how it should and can work ! Getting to that point for many of us may never fully happen !

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Teresa, your wife is not Reine or Isha's wife or any of the other accepting wives here, and comparing your relationship to another is pointless and will just make you more frustrated. Your wife clearly doesn't feel about this the way you do. In her mind, she's not missing out on anything by not including herself in your dressing, and in fact, I'd bet she feels she loses something when she does. Yes, they're your clothes and it's your home too, but honestly, you know crossdressing is still socially stigmatised. Is it fair to push this stigma on her if she doesn't want to go there with you?

Personally, I think she's shut down conversation because she knows she can't live with a crossdresser but she can't live without you either as she loves you and you have a long history together. She's hoping it will go away. I'd bet she's also picking up the vibe that you're unhappy and she probably knows on some level that this could be the end. For all you know, she might want this, but fear, security and love keep her where she is - where you both are - between that proverbial rock and hard place.

I'd write a letter or email, Teresa, and say everything you want to say to her. Give her no chance to hide her head from this anymore. Then let things fall where they will. Good luck x

[Krisi]

Crossdressing can affect your entire family, especially if it goes outside the house. It can affect your job (and family income) and it can affect family members socially.

We read stories here of crossdressers answering their door dressed, walking around their neighborhoods dressed, talking to the neighbors dressed, going to malls and restaurants dressed. Some alone, some with their wives and/or children. We have to remember two important things here:

1) These people aren't you and their families aren't your families.

2) This is the Internet. Not everything you read on the Internet actually happened or actually happened the way it was presented.

You and your wife have to figure out what works for your family. It can be difficult and it will take some compromises but it's probably worth it in the end.

Best of luck.

[Katey888]

Krisi's got this right Teresa - we're all individuals, as are our wives and SOs... And it is their acceptance that makes this possible for those that are fortunate enough (and which we know are amongst the minority)

Why don't they accept it? Because society accepts it only to a very slight and variable degree.

Other than that, our wives, SOs and families might have to face potential ridicule, abuse, becoming social outcasts, potentially losing friends, and all the misunderstanding that comes with this condition.

A few good reasons - for me - why keeping it under wraps and owning that burden can allow an otherwise unburdened and normal life and relationship to co-exist...

I knew there had to be at least one good reason to not reveal...

Keep it secret - set your own boundaries - deal with that internal recrimination yourself... of course, I appreciate it's too late for you and I also appreciate that for some folk not sharing is just too much dissonance to bear... all I can offer is my sympathy and support...

Katey x

[Rachael Leigh]

Teresa yes I understand what your saying I know for me my wife shared with me that when we were in Vegas (Leigh's Vegas adventure) she told me one of the most difficult parts for her was my transformation and watching what I did to become Leigh. She said it made her almost sick. She said once I was past that was in full fem it was better but to see me in my bra and panties and the various under clothing it takes for the illusion she just couldn't handle.
I suspect that may be part of your wife's issue. She's afraide she might see you in your underclothes with little or no makeup and for her that's not something she wants to see.
I was actually surprised my wife felt that way, of course she's not fully on board as it is but it gave me an understanding of her feelings.
Leigh

[BeckyW]

She said once I was past that was in full fem it was better but to see me in my bra and panties and the various under clothing it takes for the illusion she just couldn't handle.
Leigh

Actually, that makes a certain kind of sense... If she only sees the 'before' and 'after', but misses the 'during', it might be easier to compartmentalize femme and boy modes as different people / relationships.

[MatildaJ.]

It's your house, and your clothes, and you get to do what you like. You just don't get to do what you like without facing the consequences of your choices.

The consequences in your case are that your wife is upset. She gets to have whatever feelings she has about your CDing -- you are not in control of her feelings.

It's hard for two adults to live together, especially when they have areas of incompatibility. Every couple needs to do the work to see if they are compatible enough to continue to live together. If you enjoy the time you spend together, that helps give you incentive to compromise on the areas of incompatibility. If you don't like each other much, and don't enjoy the time you spend together, then it becomes simpler to just drift apart, and let the incompatibilities grow until you have to live apart.

[Marcelle]

Hi Teresa,

I do count myself fortunate that my wife is fully accepting but then again that is now and who knows what the future holds. I understand your angst in that "boundaries" (in either direction) should not be one sided if it is going to cause emotional distress for one party or the other and compromise is the best way forward. However what happens when there is an impasse in that one party (CDer or SO) cannot accept the wants, desires, wishes or demands of the other (i.e., no compromise can be reached). IMHO it is at the juncture that each must ask themselves is the relationship worth it . . . "Should I stay with my husband who clearly wants to spend a lot of time dressed as a woman" or "Should I stay with my SO whose demands make it impossible for me to be happy". We have seen example of both on this site and each party deciding that the relationship is worth the acquiescence to the other party (CDer curtails CDing or SO puts up with it). There is no true "right or wrong" here and each relationship has its own particular issues to which compromise may or may not work. However in the end, it is up each individual to live with their decision or change what they don't like.

Hugs

Isha

[Teresa]

Isha,
I know you've had a rant before about this issue !
I know you still have boundaries and ones you can work with and both mutually respect !
My point is and think you appreciate it that some are so unworkable neither partner can can find happy common ground ! It looks absurd that the husband is hiding behind curtains and the wife is frightened to walk in the door !

[Jackie7]

Teresa, a related question is asking permission, versus giving information. Part of my coming out (and my wife is totally accepting and participating) was learning that difference. When I am planning to dress for a social occasion outside the house, I make sure to let her know in advance and to pay attention to her views. If I get a negative vibe for whatever reason I change my plan. That's taking her advice, not the same as seeking her permission. Likewise, i will alert a hostess that Jackie will be attending, I pay attention to the response, but I don't ask permission.

[Beverley Sims]

One of my real problems is an agreement to wear a wig.

[MatildaJ.]

Beverley, have you ever tried wearing a cute, feminine head covering?

Try going to Google Images and looking for "hats for women with cancer"

[Maria 60]

It's not all roses even when they accept, on Sunday the kids were at work until noon. I had the morning to myself, well she had different plans for me, she wanted the yard cleaned, and at that moment, after telling her I will do it when the kids are home in the afternoon, she didn't like that answer and gave me the silent treatment until I undressed and went in the yard. But I stood stubborn and didn't do it until the kids came home. Women are like the wind, changing all the time, what's good today isn't good tomorrow. She once asked me what would have happened if she wasn't so accepted, I told her we would have more then likely missed out on thirty years happily married with two beautiful children. I told her I would not have went through life with this bottled up, and that if we didn't agree on some kind of term or condition, I don't think we would have had a chance. Even though she has her moments, she really believes the dressing is why we have a strong relationship, she loves living with both worlds, she has a husband who protects her and her children and has a friend to shop and have something she could relate with. She doesn't understand why a couple can't find a happy medium if they both compromise on the level the dressing will go that they can both be satisfied with. She always tells me when she gets a chance she would love to post a thread to all the GGs about the advantage of having a husband who crossdressers, which husband understands that a women needs the same shoes in white and black, and the sharing is amazing, someone else's stuff is always nicer then yours, and double the choice. Crossdressing is not easy on any of us, it is frustrating, some more then others, I hope you can find your happy medium because we have to all believe there is always a way that both parties can find there happy place, even if it is only for a short amount time, anything is better then nothing, and in the mean time I will try to get my wife to post a thread. Good luck and be patient.

[Jenniferathome]

Teresa, it is simply different when dealing with such an oddity as cross dressing, in particular if one has hidden this from one's wife. You simply can not compare a child's clothing boundaries and a cross dressers. The boundary protects both parties. One from being dragged into something they can't handle which would cause enormous marital strife and the other from getting totally carried away. Of course, any boundary should be discussed at regular periods for reshaping the limits.

[Janine cd]

Teresa, I am with you in this situation. My wife has never really understood my need to crossdress. She has set the rules that I only dress when she is away. That was all right until recently. Since last August, she has only been away for more than a few hours on one occasion. This has placed a lot of stress on my desire to dress. I'm trying to cope with it, but it's been a real strain.

[docrobbysherry]

50/50? Teresa, what planet do u live on? I've been married, now divorced. Most of my friends have also been divorced.

Theorically, marriages r supposed to be 50/50. But, in real life? If you're a guy and expect to share things 50/50 with your wife? U either married one in a million or don't expect to remain married for very long.

[LelaK]

Personally, I don't see anything wrong with polyamory. If you want a soul mate, and you only find mates that are partly compatible, the compatible parts of two or more mates could add up to a complete soul mate. But you're young enough to find just one mate who could be fulfilling anyway.

[Tina_gm]

Teresa, perhaps you should just have a sit down chat with her about your CDing. I mean that you will just say I need to talk in depth about this. I still believe though that you are making a bigger issue and problem for yourself than need be.

While she has accepted that you are a CDer, not that she likes it or wants to be a part of any of it, she has accepted this of you. Now in return, you will have to accept her dislike of it and her not wanting to participate or have anything to do with it. Most women don't want to have much or anything at all to do with it. Sighting the rarest of women who do and using that to think that is what YOUR marriage should be is an expectation too far. I guarantee you there are still plenty of CDers who have revealed and would now be more than happy to have YOUR situation. It isn't the end of the world for you. You come on here frequently, you do get time to dress. You have shaved your legs. She hasn't left you. Yes, your marriage needs some major work done perhaps. And I am willing to bet that if and when you are able to get to do this work, you will find that it isn't just the CDing that is causing your marriage to be the way it is. I am not saying it isn't an issue, but I would all but guarantee a bigger issue for you than it is for your wife.