I really liked Katey's answer also. 40 years ago I sure didn't know it was such a part of me.
I really liked Katey's answer also. 40 years ago I sure didn't know it was such a part of me.
This falls into the classic category I like to refer to as my "do over" list. Yes hindsight is always 20/20 but push all the clichés aside for a moment. I would have done my wife and I a HUGE favor had I been up front with her from the get go. We have been together for 13 years now (she is 52, I am 47) and she has no clue about any of this. Yet, like a lot of us on here, we continue to pursue this lifestyle as though our wife or significant other didn't exist. Sure, I love my wife and the life we have together. Does that make me happy? Well, yes and no. Yes because the "superficial" stress level is way down due to the simplicity of life, financial situation, etc. The NO parts comes into play every single time I get to be Emily. Like most, it is never often enough. Bottom line, if I had it to do over again there is no doubt I would have told her up front. I know full well she would have kicked me to the curb but I was fully prepared for that. Now that we have this life together, me coming out to her would really upset the balance.
Remember twelve years ago when I told you I enjoyed wearing nylons, you were a little turned off and freaked out about it. That was then. Although I tried to stop the feelings I had and desire to continue, it was a part of someone inside of me and that is where we find ourselves now. Having accepted this as a part of myself without fully understanding it and knowing it may effect our relationship, I did this on my own time because I was scared to lose you, afraid of what relevations it was opening about myself, and feeling guilty for doing something I didn't think you would approve of nor society would accept as "manly".
That has been our condensed course. Today, we are both members of this forum, we accept that it is just as much a part of my being as well as a fetish induced extension of my sensuality. Each have there own desired emotional needs.
We are not as old as the suggested group in question, but are on the former side of where society's acceptance lies by today's standards. I can't say that I would do it different today, because I have a loving accepting wife, have found myself to be a much more complicated person than "just a man", and live in a time where outlets like this help to better understand where I was, where I am, and when I get where I am going, have a better sense of my feelings based on what I have read here, to determine if that is where I want to be.
My wife knew about my love of wearing lingerie within a day of meeting- it's just too important to me to risk getting involved with someone who might not be able to handle it. She also found out pretty quickly that on occasion I also wear women's outer clothes and that I've been occasionally bi.
However, since I only became aware this summer (after 10 years together) that the CD urge has become stronger, she's presently having to adjust to that, and she isn't finding it easy. I really don't know how far she's willing to go in terms of acceptance, and it's an awkward subject at the moment. Like recently I went off on a train of thought about how exciting it must have been to be a rich woman in the early parts of the 20th century, to travel to Paris for fittings with Worth, Schiaparelli, Chanel, etc. She looked... bemused. I shut up and resumed chainsawing last year's furniture up for firewood...
Why didn't I tell you?
Simple.
You didn't ask.
Of course, at the time i didn't know myself. Libraries didn't have books for that. No internet. Didn't know there was a word for what I did. I didn't call myself a crossdresser until about 20 years later.
Same as Katey888 , I didn't know myself, I just did it. Thought it would go away or I could control it. I never did tell her, however I very strongly think she has recently found out via my son, and my ex-mother-in-law (I overheard him saying to my ex, his mum, ask your mum when I told her she didn't believe me ). I called in at her house (150 miles away) to drop some things off for my daughter, but she didn't say anything. Next time I'll see her will be the weekend before Christmas.
Be truthful to yourself.
When we live with so much denial and repression, yes, we really don't or didn't know all about our own femininity. That stands to reason. But, we do or did know that we had it. I too was asked sort of a similar question, and my explanation was that in my mind, like with all other women who were never told, or anyone else, or my life in general was that it was my little internal secret I would take to my grave. Then of course after my explanation, was, why now? I will leave that to another discussion.
Chickens should be allowed to cross the road without having their motives questioned
I'll never forget telling my girlfriend (and now wife of almost 39 years) that I liked "to wear stockings." We'd been going out about four months and would be married in seven. Her nonchalant reaction was, "Do you want some of mine?" It was so calm and quiet that I repeated what I said! Since then, most of the time I've spent with her in private I've been crossdressed. I've never taken her up on it but she sometimes brings up the idea of my going out as a woman.
It was all such a turnaround from the fear I'd had about revealing this to potential girlfriends before. I'm sure they must have thought I was hiding a crime. And that in turn had to do with the way my parents didn't handle the situation. I was made to feel abnormal, and told I required psychiatric help. My mother was especially cruel, telling me that no woman would ever love me because of "the stockings." They seized any female clothing I had, forcing me to steal from cousins and neighbors, and raiding wastebaskets at home. My mother made a point of snipping up any clothing she discarded.
My career is in retailing but my soul is in writing
Although the Internet wasn't available in the early 1980's, I had researched crossdressing in college libraries enough to reach the conclusion that it was more than a phase and would not just go away. So when my future wife and I started dating, and I knew things were getting serious, I knew I had to let her know about this side of me. Long story short, it wasn't a deal breaker for her at the time, but she has told me several times since then that she thought that I would change and not need to dress after we got married. She was, at best, tolerant of my dressing sessions during our first few years of marriage but was never truly comfortable with it. She grew to understand though that it was something I needed to do, something that was a part of me as a whole. I, in turn, limited the frequency of my dressing and tried to keep the pink fog in check in deferrence to her comfort level. Thirty one years after the big reveal and twenty seven years of marriage later, we are still together. We still struggle with boundaries; she has her insecurities about me eventually wanting to transition, and since our only child is now away at college, the pink fog envelops me like never before. Given all that, I do not regret letting her know from the beginning. I'm not passing judgement on those who choose not to tell. I can see the advantages /disadvantages of both sides. I'm just saying that for my particular situation, it was the right choice.
I told my wife after 20 years of marriage, in 2004. I gave all the same responses to that question. Until about the late 90's I really was in the dark about crossdressing. My whole early life I thought I was the only one within a million miles. I thought I was weird and felt ashamed at times. I still went out dressed but didn't feel like I do now after this forum.
I want to be this girl!
I told a girlfriend (who was a potential spouse) in the late 80's. That girlfriend exited stage left faster than I can even describe. Met a new woman. One thing led to another and we were serious about one another. My previous experience had convinced me that revealing this fact about me was a deal breaker, so, did not tell. I thought it was controllable. I did not know that a whole lot of other people enjoyed this, too. I thought I was pathetic and horrible. I thought that marrying this person would "fix" me. Wrong, wrong, wrong. She did find out after 15+ years and, now, sees me as a pervert. We are still married (a charade) due to family considerations and we are, in my opinion, both, miserable.
To those who told their future spouse and it worked out...good for you. To those whose wives found out, or were told, after marriage and it has worked out...good for you. I don't see, in hindsight, how things would have worked out for me with this particular woman however I approached it.
Full disclosure: I am very recently separated from my wife of 23 years and the last 5 years of our marriage were awful, so I am extremely anti-marriage and jaded about the whole thing.
I did tell my wife before we were married that I crossdressed. For the first few years, she was pretty much OK with it, letting me dress at home and even occasionally coming out to support meetings with me. Gradually as our marriage soured for other reasons, she started liking it less and I virtually stopped doing it for about 16 years. Even grew a beard.
Well... you all know what happens when you bottle things up...
Gender dysphoria kicked in big-time about 15 months ago. Shaved the beard, rejoined trans support group and about a year ago something in my brain clicked and I realized I was transsexual, not just [sic] a crossdresser. I've begun the process of transitioning and that pretty much eliminated any chance of our marriage working, not that there was much chance before.
Anyway, when I revealed the true nature of my feelings, my wife was furious and accused me of betrayal and lying. The thing is, at the time I told her about my crossdressing, I was telling the absolute truth... I had no idea at that time how it would turn out. I told my wife that, but she doesn't believe me.
I used to advocate telling partners before marriage. Now I would change my advice as follows: Do not enter a relationship unless you are absolutely sure you know where you are on the transgender scale. Do not assume that getting married will "cure" you. Do not assume that having kids will "cure" you. Look deep inside yourself and find out where you are. Even the slightest doubts should make you put any ideas about marriage on hold until you sort them out. In my opinion, marriage is over-rated anyway and most people get married because they think that's what's expected.
The only good things to have come from my marriage were my kids. For them alone, it was worth enduring.
Last edited by Dianne S; 12-02-2014 at 02:32 PM.
Well, only been married to my 2nd wife for 3-1/2 years, together for about 7. I never had the urge to cross-dress prior to about 2012. Before we were married, she introduced me to a bit of female Dom sex. It didn't go that great, but I kinda liked the idea. It very, very slowly progressed from there. She lost interest, but I didn't. Eventually, I asked for it, but felt uncomfortable until I wore one of her tight little club dresses. She felt like her Dom play was no longer about her being dominant and lost interest even more, but I got more interested. We had some real struggles getting life back on the same page, this summer was the worst, but for many reasons, most of which have to do with sex and love and other things, but we're on a good road now. We were having a dress up night Saturday and she told me I need new dresses, jewelry and heels. We postponed getting Xmas gifts for each other to have a little Xmas in January, due to funds and growing family. I doubt she'll remember she said that, but it would be really cool if I got some things of my own from her. So, I never needed to tell anyone before marriage, because it never existed in me before my current wife.
you should tale her befoe you get marrie so she has chane back out if it not her thing
I guess the "why didn't you tell me" question scared me more than actually telling. When I realized that she was "the one" I told my wife while we were dating, even before we got engaged. We were both older (50ish) adults at the time and were ready to accept the other for exactly who/what they were with no expectation of changing the other. After 17+ years of marriage this has proven to be the right choice for us.
Jenn A --- nothing fancy, just me.
Today we have outlines of how to come out. I think there are stickies in this forum. Never read them cause I do this full time so "coming out" is just not an issue and I don't need to read into it. What I wonder is how someone would even "come out" back in the 1970's? They didn't really have labels to use or explain, not really many things on TV to even slightly compare it to (like chaz bono or Miss canada)...
I wasn't even born til 1974 but honestly, I don't blame anyone who didn't "Come out" back then. I cannot see it possibly turning out well.
Today if a closeted CD is outed voluntarily or not, a few adjustments might have to be made on the part of acquaintances but ultimately it isn't a huge thing. Back then, it could easily ruin someone's life.
It takes a true Erin to be a pain in the assatar.
You darn whippersnapper, Erin. I actually have shoes older than you!
But to your question, we didn't have the Internet, but we had Corporal Klinger! And of course, Christine Jorgensen and Rene Richards each got lots of publicity in the 60s and early 70s.... And I recall 60 Minutes segments on transgendered people, so we had something like role models. By the time I got married, I knew I had something in common with them and what were termed transvestites, and later cross dressers.
I thought two years in the Army and marriage had cured whatever was wrong with me. So, I was more than a bit surprised and excited when one night my my new wife asked me to put on her bra, panties and stockings for a little fantasy. She knew right away that she had discovered something about me. I didn't really need to tell, but we talked about it, within the limited context of my knowledge at the time. And as long as it was our private thing, she was accepting and we had a lot of fun too!
Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.
Eleanor Roosevelt
I married in my late 40's and my wife was/is very comfortable with it. She knew about it from the get go.
But since I married late, over the years, I had several girl friends that I felt needed to be told at some point in the relationship. Most of the time it did not go all that swimmingly and the remainder of the relationship would be close to a DADT type thing. Not real happy.
Conversely, I still recall my first really serious girlfriend who I met while in college. It is 1974 and we are in my dorm room. I'm 21 and I've never told a soul; it has always been my deep dark secret. Late one night I screw up my courage and tell her that I have this horrible thing I have to reveal. I start crying. She is shaking, fearing the worst, with no idea as to what I might say. After much hesitation, I finally blurt out: "I like to wear girls clothing". She pauses, looks at me a little quizzically, and says "SO"? The relationship lasted another year and ended for other reasons as she never minded the cross-dressing. But even now, when I think of that one moment from over 4 decades ago, I get a little warm feeling inside.
Why didn't I tell you? Because I was afraid. Because I thought you would reject me and walk away. Because I thought... maybe this is just a phase and the desire will subside, diminish or go away all together. Because I thought that perhaps once we married and had kids, my life would be too busy for me to continue dressing. (Actually, for many years this was very true). Because I didn't have the resources available to me now to not only help you understand, but to help myself understand. Because I love you and didn't want to risk losing you. Because.......
So many excuses. So much rationalization. So much angst. And yet... I can't let it go. In fact, the desire is stronger now than ever before.
As a newbie, thanks again to so many of you for sharing your journeys on this site. It's been extremely helpful, sobering and energizing all at once.
I had the same question. With my silence came a comment that we would not be. Ouch. I guess that's why. But, today, three years later, we are still tight, but don't discuss the issue. My wife is my best friend and I felt sorry for withholding.
It's a good, thought-provoking question, Steffi. It makes me wonder, if today, I should be more open, or get her to be more open. Hmmm.
My wife found out in 1980 after 12 years married.
I had tried to hint with jokes about dressing up when we first went out together but she didn't catch on. So I suppressed my desires and thought being married would alter things.
She was ill and came downstairs one night and found me reading some papers. when I told her I was CD she said "oh that explains a lot, I'll help." To want to be one was better than that I was seeing another woman. We worked on my femme image.
She was educated about transgender spectrum at Uni. She knew that I had always noticed what she wore. I now dress frequently at home and we go away for CD weekends groups. She is very unsure about going out as a couple where we might meet with bad reactions.
We have been married 46years now and can always find something to talk about clothes.
I told my wife when we first started dating. She said she had something important to tell me and was worried I might reject her. She told me she had rheumatoid arthritis and would understand if I didn’t want to deal with it. I told her what’s the big deal and that I loved her. After that I felt it was my turn to expose my vulnerability and tell her I liked wearing women’s clothes. She was surprised and was a little weirded out, but it wasn’t a deal breaker. We have been inseparable for almost twelve years and married almost ten.
Honesty above all else is the most important part of our relationship. It might not always be easy to speak the truth but living in truth builds and reinforces trust.
I told my girlfriend in 1969 and she still married me in 1971. We're still married but it has been hard on her. She obviously loves me very much or she would not have hung around.
Why didn't I tell you?!? I was worried you would react just like you are. I worried you would make brash assumptions, ask uncomfortable, awkward, loaded questions. I was worried you'd accuse me, or question your Love for me, despite my unwavering Love for you. I was worried you'd leave me, I was worried you might out me. I was worried that "for better or worse" would suddenly be meaningless. I was worried that I'd never be able to succinctly answer your questions. I worried I'd never be able to meet your demands. I worried we would end up in a DOn't Ask Don't Tell situation, where you would feel you were compromising, but I would be the only one compromising who I am. I worried you'd seek to change me, reprogram me, or save me from myself. I worried you'd question my faith in a higher power, my manhood, or my virility. I worried you'd second guess my judgment and think I'd stupidly do it in front of the kids. I worried you'd question my sanity, thinking I was loosing my mind. I worried you'd think I would be so cavalier as to run around the neighborhood coming out to anyone that would listen. I worried that you would not give me enough credit for being the sensible man you woke up to this morning, or married years ago. Nothing has changed, I am still the same person I was then and now. But based on one change that you never perceived, you feel justified in acting like everything about me has changed. Thats perhaps a short list, of why I didn't tell you.
Last edited by Caden Lane; 01-09-2015 at 10:53 AM.
"These aren't 'women's clothes'. These are my clothes. I bought them with my own money."
Eddie Izzard
I'm flipping genders, what's your super power?!?!
Please visit my wordpress blog: http://southerncrossdresser.wordpress.com
I wish I could remember how the subject came up. we were walking, talking about things we had done with other partners, and I decided that I wanted to be completely open with this woman and that I could be. So I told her that I liked to dress up as a woman, and that I enjoyed bondage as well. She took it in stride, told me about tying up one of her previous boyfriends. A couple months later, I changed into Cynthia for her, and we made out like lesbians. That was in 1976, we've been happily married since, and I still come out, for bondage and a good whipping (if I'm naughty--and lucky)
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