Feeling embarrased

[Camille15]

I just posted in the Pictures forum about my first real outing as Camille. It all went well. I seemed to pass, or blend well anyway.

But I think there was a fair amount of pink fog involved. And now that it's clearing, I am feeling really embarrassed about the whole thing. Looking at the photos of myself, I don't see someone who most others glanced at and thought was just another girl out doing her thing. I see a guy in a dress who thought he was fooling a lot of people, but for whom really many folks were thinking "weirdo!". If I could truly fool people 90% of the time, then I'd keep going out. But if in reality most folks see me and know immediately that I'm really a guy, thinking he's blending in because of some makeup and a dress, then I'd rather just stay and dress inside from now on. I don't want to be the object of anyone's ridicule or joke later in the day to their wife/husband about some crossdresser they saw strutting about the store. I don't want to go en femme out and "just be me" and to hell with whomever knows I'm a guy. I want to pass, or at least reasonably blend. That is both the goal and the thrill of why I do it... to have others see and accept me as a woman. I'm not looking to make a statement about it being OK to wear women's clothes as a guy, or about showing the world that it's OK to go out cross-dressed. My goal is to be seen as a woman, even as a pretty one if possible. Otherwise I know deep down that folks know who and what I am, and that doesn't feel good to me. Even if folks don't judge me harshly, or perhaps think "good for him!", it still doesn't make me want to go out dressed. I'm not looking to win any awards for bravery or asserting my rights. If I truly can't blend, which I'm less convinced now that I did, then I think I might limit myself to indoor dressing from now on, or at most CD sponsored events where I won't be judged. I still enjoy looking at myself and feeling pretty, and "passing" in my own eyes. But I don't like the feeling of knowing I don't in the eyes of so many others.

Anyone else ever feel this way, especially after an outing? Perhaps this is all normal processing of an event that was packed with meaning and stimulation, and which I'm only now unpacking...

Thanks,
Camille

[Danitgirl1]

Hi Camille
Firstly congrats on having the courage to go out. This is a huge step in any CDers life (I think).
Now, it is important to remember that YOU know that you are a 'dude in a dress'. YOU know the truth. Anyone who you are with also knows this truth but to everyone else in the world you are just someone out and about. Most will hardly notice you at all (assuming you don't do anything to draw attention), some will see you and see what they see ie a woman dressed in a burgundy dress and brown boots... 1 or 2 will be attracted to what they see, others will be neutral. I doubt ANYONE would be repulsed. Those that are attracted may look closer, but as we are socially conditioned NOT to stare most will probably get an eyeful and then look away for fear of being caught. Those that DO stare, well they may clock you but they probably only clocked you because they were drawn to you in the FIRST place!
So, in short don't let your inner knowledge interfere with your life.
We are all our own worst critics. GGs are the same (I look fat in this, I wish I had bigger/smaller/perter boobs, her legs are better than mine etc etc). Ironically I have heard GGs admiring CDers legs, boobs etc... So be careful of allowing negative body image to interfere with your life.
I have looked at your pictures and the comments and you need to accept the truth of the comments. You looked great. I honestly can't see much that is OBVIOUSLY masculine there... Sure there are always little things we can all do to improve the overall presentation but Rome wasn't built in a day (my current obsession is eyebrows)...
Finally be self critical by all means but in a positive way so acknowledge what you did great on and see where you can improve next time and yes there WILL be a next time.
Have fun!

[Zooey]

I was out all afternoon today in San Francisco with my gg bestie (spending too much money per usual). We, plus another gg friend, spent the day in Napa last Thursday. They never know how I'm going to be dressed when I show up, and the fact that they don't much care means more to me than just about anything else in the world.

I feel pretty good about my ability to blend... Did I get a few looks? Of course! I like to think at least some of them were, "well, it might be a dude, but at least she dresses well. Also I want her boots" looks (I do own legit awesome boots). "Passing" is not really a thing that is worth worrying about, as far as I'm concerned. My friends are comfortable being out with me, and I'm comfortable being out with them. Why should anybody else's opinion matter more than the opinions of those I hold most dear? Besides, as a wise sailor once said... Until the day I decide to transition and start making some permanent changes to my appearance, "I ams what I ams". Like literally every other woman on the planet, I do what I can with what I've got.

Being trans in the real world, regardless of where you fall on that spectrum, is going to require a bit of a thick skin. I didn't always have one - I allowed myself to be scared, both of the public and what my "oddity" would do to any relationships I managed to build. What would my friends do if they found out? What would my SO do? What would my family do? On and on and on...

Long story short, I wasn't happy. I wasn't living the life I wanted to, and I made a decision to change that. I'm not out to everybody yet (not even close), but I've been opening the door wider and wider this year, and I plan to keep doing so next year. I am who I am, and anybody who doesn't like me anymore never really liked me - they didn't really know me. If they're not family, screw 'em. If they ARE family, then screw 'em anyway (but i'll still love them). I want to live out loud, no pun intended. Half-truths and a divided life were, for me, terrible. I don't know whether my journey will end in transition or not, but I'm really happy to finally be honest with people, and to have a set of close friends who know ME (not just the part of me I showed people for so long).

AAAAANYWAAAAY, my point is that if you're living your life according to what people think of you, you're in for a wide world of disappointment. That's not a trans issue - it's a human issue. There are lots of women who I think are worse looking than me, and lots who I think are supremely gorgeous in a way I can never hope to touch (no matter what the marketing for my skin care regimen says). This, btw, is a feeling that every woman (gg/trans/caribou/whatever) I've ever known shares. I know it's cheesy, but I am beautiful (thanks, Xtina). So is my infinitely more physically attractive bestie. We're both good people, we're both really intelligent, we both love good food a bit too much, and we've been raising the stakes in a game of designer footwear oneupsmanship that is almost guaranteed to bankrupt one of us at some point. Each of our beauty comes from everything about us, and a VERY small fraction of mine has anything to do with whether other people think I look good enough to be called a woman*.

Be beautiful for yourself, or more accurately, recognize the beauty in yourself. Live your life the way you want to live it. Be happy. Screw everybody else!

Hugs, and I hope this rambling mess helps at all...
Zoe

* To be fair, it's not like I don't care. I spend way too much time and money on clothes, shoes, makeup, and hair to pretend like I don't. I also like to look good, at least to the extent that I can. :P I just know that if I get over focused on it, I'm going to miss out on a lot of awesome living.

[noeleena]

Hi ,

Embarrased or embarrasment ,

most of the time. of cause that goes back to age 10, no different now, when your born different you dont get an other chance, so how i look will allways be an issue .

fortunatly for my self i have many friends and they accept the way i am. to them its not how i look its my personality and what makes me the person i am , going down the road i talk to many people most i know in our Village and even saying morning or hi to strangers is not an issue, ,

Its when i have to dress in my ball gown or other lovely nice clothes that i get highly embarrased, one reason my clothes are rather plain not feminine or to pretty my facial features are just too male. so day to day living is its own detail when you dont look feminine or as a normal female ,

some times i just dont wont to be seen so yes pretty much im embarrased of how i look .when you live it every day yes it gets to me.

I would say from what you mean you can change back to your normal clothes and be you and just dress when it takes your fancy if you like you can escape ether way.

Maybe in some ways as i was told ( family member ) being a dresser would have been more acceptable i think our son was right, did not work that way here, so i,ll make the best out of what i have ,

...noeleena...

[JenniferYager]

Camille,

First, your pictures were awesome! You dressed like most women do, and I doubt most people paid any attention to you.

Yes, if someone got close to you and was looking, they would notice. If not the face, your voice or mannerisms would give you away.

But like a lot of things, you're starting out. I've felt exactly like you after outings before, worried I'd wind up as the talk of the town. But that's fear in general. Fear wants to rule our lives and put us in a corner. Fear will keep you at home and tell you after every dressing session that you just aren't good enough.

Don't let fear rule your life. Be happy with who you are. You look great! Be happy with your body, your face, your emotions.

-Jenny

[bimini1]

I've had those same feelings. The price of admission is not worth the payoff. The fact that someone, anyone could be looking at you as being at the bottom of society's proverbial totem pole. This can be unnerving to some. I don't know if it was as bad as you think it was, after all you did look good. If you present well, even if they do see you are not really the gender you are presenting, you still presented well.
Go with what you feel. If it isn't worth it to you that is all that is important.

[Kate T]

OK Camille

Firstly your pics looked great. I would say very few people other than those who you interacted with had any idea you aren't a woman.
Secondly, much of "passing" is going to be about confidence. You easily have physical ability to "pass", the give away is going to be your behaviour. Behave like you belong and you will.
Finally, yes, you are deluding yourself if you think that you are not going to be "read" by people you interact with. They will know that you are not GG. BUT there is a HUGE difference between being a GG and being a woman. Carry yourself with dignity, treat others with courtesy and politeness and you will never be seen as a "dude in a dress".

[Marcelle]

Hi Camille,

I understand your angst and was there very early in my first forays out in the world. I came back feeling great then looked in the mirror and only saw the "guy wearing a dress and make-up". I do not pass (whatsoever) and in fact very few of us do as we all have things that give us away (i.e., scream guy). For me I have grown to accept that when I go out, I may blend about 60% of the time and get clocked 40% of the time so long as I keep moving and don't engage. However, when I make contact or stand still among a group of people, I get read 100% of the time . . . I can see it in peoples expressions, glances and so on. I does (as you stated) come down to a comfort level (being around people) and is one of the reasons why I forced myself to ride public transit to get used to it.

Don't feel bad sweetie as being up close and personal in the Vanilla world is not for everyone and while some can say "Just do it and who cares what others thing" . . . they are not you. In order to "just do it" you have to have a comfort level or you will never enjoy your time out and about. My recommendation would be chalk this up as a learning experience and when you ready to try again you will know. Don't give up, just take some time to reflect and breath.

Hugs

Isha

[Katey888]

Hi Camille,
I think you're suffering the CDer's version of 'post-purchase dissonance'... when you acquire something and you worry and look for reinforcement that you've chosen the right thing - in this case you've experienced this on your own (as many of us do) so you have no specific affirmation of what you've experienced other than what you remember or your photos (which look great, btw) and your recollections. Because you have no independent reinforcement you're doubting your own feelings and memory of the experience... I think that's completely natural and, as you say, 'normal processing'. I have similar feelings when I simply come across some photos unexpectedly and instantaneously think: "OMG! What on earth am I thinking..."

I think the reality of outings probably fall into a pareto pattern something like this:
- 80% of folk won't even notice you, period. 20% will look again because something catches their eye - height, hair, gait... something...
- Of that 20%, 80% won't be bothered to delve any deeper because they have stuff to do - 20% will look again and will think "guy or gal..? Hmmmmm..."
- Of that 20%, 80% will just shrug and think "Whatever - someone is decently dressed, behaved and just going about their business.." - but 20% might just stare a bit longer because it's 'unusual'...
- Of that 20%, 80% will move on after a stare - 20% might be somehow offended or shocked...
- Of that 20%, 80% will just bottle up their misunderstanding and misplaced emotions and move on...

Well, we're in tiny percentages now - to the extent that most folk will have just passed by and might remember you or may not.

Give yourself a bit of time to absorb and process the feelings - I feel a lot depends on the motivation that underlies why we (you) need to do this thing in the first place. You say you want to "just be me" - and perhaps that includes a need to express this side of you in public as affirmation of your feminine aspect - but you might find (to paraphrase bimini) that the price of seeking that affirmation, at the same time as exposing you to potential derogation, is a trade-off that causes you too much stress and so is simply not worth it.

Time will tell - try not to overthink it but just let the feeling settle... You'll either feel the need to do it again, or not...

Katey x

[joanna4]

I can relate to that, I felt scared, embarrassed, and even stupid after my first outing but the happiness soon overtook the negative feelings and I was proud of myself knowing that I actually did it rather than wondering if I had did it.

Enjoy it
and don't beat yourself up over it.

When I went out, sometimes I was noticed and sometimes I didn't even get a glance. Sure, people might have talked about me after I left or even took a picture of me which I don't even care for anymore. Life is short and its important to live it your way because its your life.

If its out of your comfort zone and you don't want to go out anymore, then that's perfectly fine. Feel safe and sound at home. Here's a quick tip, I tell myself that I don't pass but I will go out anyway and once I do pass under some people, its an amazing feeling. Don't overpromise and underdeliver but underpromise and overdeliver.

[Amanda L.]

Hi Camille
What you have written is EXACTLEY how I am feeling at the present. Looking back through recent photos I have taken I came to the conclusion that I am not fooling anyone but myself, so I deleted the lot. You are quite right with your remark about the pink fog. When under the influence of it maybe we see things the way we want to see them rather than how they really are. At the time I think I look ok and could blend but when I look through boy eyes my heart sinks.
It's no longer good enough to just sit around in the safety of the home. Getting out is a huge buzz and feeling of freedom, but now I am not so sure and am not confident about showing my less than adequate self.
I am sort of wondering what is the point?
I am sorry I don't know the answer. I don't have enough experience with these almost menopausal cycles we go through

[Nikkilovesdresses]

There's absolutely nothing wrong with pulling back within your comfort zone, working on your image - if that's what you want to do - and at some point in the future, if the desire grabs you, sallying forth again.

Be kind to yourself- what you did took supreme guts, and you're way ahead of many, many CDs in having gone out into the world dressed en femme.

I get totally your wish to pass, and to pass with flying colours. It's good to have goals and high standards; but it's even better to avoid stress, to take your time, and to live a happy, comfortable life.

Be happy- we all think you're amazing for what you did. Isn't that worth something??

Hugs, Nikki

[mechamoose]

Just remember.. EVERY artist hates their own work. All they see is the flaws and mistakes.

What they see when looking at you isn't (and will never be) what YOU see.

Just get yourself to a place where you can *LIVE*, sweetie. Be yourself and be comfortable with how YOU feel about you. Don't worry yourself too much over what THEY think. You are not going to please all of them anyway.

<3

- MM

[kimdl93]

I can only echo most of what has been said. We are our own harshest critics. We can feel buyers remorse after an emotionally uplifting experience...basically look for the cloud above the silver lining, and become consumed with self doubt.

I would like to offer one point. There need not be any fog involved. I do not go out because I think I will pass. I go out with the opposite expectations. And yet I go out, go about my business, as do the people I encounter. I harbor few illusions about being seen as a woman. And yet, for me, I experience the world on my terms. I present as a woman to the best of my ability and let it go at that. In other words, I dress and go out for myself, not for the benefit of those who may see me.

[mariehart]

Yes you're not the only one. Only this morning I bought a couple of skirts. I couldn't wait to get home and try them on. Believe it or not I have no other skirts. Once home I dressed up and was delighted. I paired them with a couple of my wife's tops and realised I'd done well this time. The skirts are all part of my master plan to get together a going out outfit. I was feeling pleased with myself. I even took a photo. Mistake!

Now I saw a man in a skirt, Ok I had no wig, make up or anything but the contrast with what I saw versus what I felt was too much. I became embarrassed and I've continued to be feel embarrassed.

I really wish I wasn't like this. All I really want is to be accepted as a woman, interact with other people as a woman instead of being a freak who wears women's clothes.

It'll pass of course but it's hard to overcome at times.

I think as others suggest. Just keep going out. The more you do anything the less scary it seems. It just becomes normal and the embarrassment fades. Well I hope so.

[maya1love]

My view is that if someone wants something badly enough, they will achieve it. For example, I have met many postoperative transsexuals who , in the early stages of their transition, did not look terribly passable. However, after some time and perhaps after surgical procedures, they were literally indistinguishable from real women. I realize that many of us are not transsexuals here, but it is about the degree of effort that one puts into this aspect of their lives. If passing is truly an important goal for you, you will find a way to pass. It will take time, but you will be able to do it. However, for most of us, passing as a woman is a wonderful fantasy that we are not willing to change our whole lives to achieve. We may not want to get surgery. We may not want to change our facial structures. And we may not want to give up looking like men some or all of the time. Personally, I don't buy it when a trans person says that they are too tall or too masculine to pass. Where there is (extreme) will, there is a way.

Finally, you have to "pay your dues". You just had your first outing. There are CDs who have going out dressed for 20, 30 or 40 years that are still trying to master this wonderful craft of female impersonation. It takes time, effort and money to do it.

[mechamoose]

Now I saw a man in a skirt, Ok I had no wig, make up or anything but the contrast with what I saw versus what I felt was too much. I became embarrassed and I've continued to be feel embarrassed.

Our muscles and bones get a big say in what we look like, what is expected of us, how society expects us to be.

I'm a 'man in a skirt' every day, but I have a female part that would get pissed off if I tried to shut her down. I'd be guilty of not accepting parts of me, not ALL of me.

I'm so tired of how most of us are expected to show only portions of ourselves. We have the right to be ALL of ourselves, without feeling guilty or misplaced.

*taps hoof*.. waiting for the world to catch up.

- MM

[mykell]

hello camille,
cant dwell on a Monday morning quarterback attitude,
you did it, you enjoyed it, and youll do it again from what ive seen from others,
from a vanity point of view from being here i post pictures, 200 and i find five i like, 10-15 after i edit some, the camera is less forgiving than the mirror from what ive experienced since joining, it captures a single second in time, when talking the pictures im loving how i look and feel, so i guess what im trying to say is what some have said already, we are our own worst critics, but realize when you were out it was the mirror image that the world saw, hours of loving how you looked and felt and not the the lone photo that you may be critiquing.....hope that came through right....sometimes i cant compose my feelings....but you lived it and some just dream it....

ive never been in the vanilla world....can you say that....

[Eringirl]

Hi Camille: I think we have all been there at one time or another. Don't dwell on it. Go with confidence and be happy. You look fine. !

Erin

[Nikki A.]

A quick story. One of the first times that I went out was for Halloween and trick or treating with my kids. My make-up was horrible, no body shaping, & the dress was borrowed from my wife and I was heavier that I am now. I still fooled a few people out there in the dark. However afterwards my wife and I and the kids went to Burger King to eat. I ate with my family and was also complementing some of the other kids costumes. As we were finishing one of the mothers came up to me, apologized for asking but asked if I was a man or a not so good looking woman. She wasn't sure after looking at me.
Long story short, most people don't notice that much, we are our own worst critics. Boobs, hair, make-up and the right clothing will provide the clues that you are a woman. Drag queens are the exception in that they do go over the top to attract attention, but even some of them in the right venue will create doubt.

[Julie Martin]

Camille,

Passing or blending occurs in your head. None of us can know for sure what percentage of people we fool, just don't notice, or who do read us but choose not to say anything. I get the concept of seeing passing or blending as a challenge, a goal to pursue..it can be fun if you have the right mindset. If you care if someone clocks you, it can take the fun out of it. Many have stated that almost no CD'ers can truly pass 100% of the time in an extended face to face encounter with a GG, especially if it's a teenage girl! This is true, though a very small percentage can pull this off almost all the time. For most of us, blending is the highest level of impersonating that we are capable of, and that's fine! It also takes years of practice, and attention to every small detail to blend consistently. Enjoy the ride!

[Rachael Leigh]

Camille, like most here have said we all go through this process of evaluation of what did I just do, did I really just do that and OMG someone had to know that I was a guy, the person who nodded their head or that women. So yes its part of the game if you will we play when we go out. I for one had a lot of fear of someone laughing or saying something out loud. I went home and was wow I did it I made it into the world dressed, did I pass doubt it and as Isha says most here dont ever, but if we try to blend and you did nicely in my opinion most people just dont notice or care. Do the experiment I think Isha did and go out to a mall or store and observe people see if they are staring at people or are they just doing their own thing and paying no real attention. It helped me for sure most just have their own agenda and dont have time to notice much.
Hang in there and dont beat yourself up to much
Hugs Leigh

[sometimes_miss]

AAAAANYWAAAAY, my point is that if you're living your life according to what people think of you, you're in for a wide world of disappointment. That's not a trans issue - it's a human issue.

And yet, we also have to take into consideration that unless we pay attention to what a prospective mate finds unattractive or a turn off, we shall forever be alone. We don't live in a bubble. But if we live as if we did, we just might as well.

[Zooey]

Life and relationships are full of compromise, but compromise isn't about not being true to yourself, and it definitely isn't about being unhappy. I believe that if there's a mate out there that loves you for who you are, the only way to find them is, well, by being who you are. I'm not judging - I've started more than my fair share of relationships under incomplete pretenses. I'm just done doing it, because I've seen what it does to both parties involved and I'm tired of it.

Compromise on how often you wash the dishes, what to name the dog, where to live, who gets the best piece of chicken, which country to visit, or any of a million little things in life. Don't compromise on who you are and who you want to be.

[Rhian]

Hi Camille, try not to let the photos get you down too much as we are often our harshest judges and while you may look at the photos and see what you consider to be flaws in your feminine look, others probably wont. I saw a study once where people drew a picture of themselves after looking at a photograph, the drawings were very unflattering. Yet when they got other people to draw them they didn't notice the vast majority of flaws and there drawings was far closer to the real person than the person in the photo had drawn. The study showed how we are far more critical of ourselves, as it easy to obsess over parts of our appearance that aren't necessarily perfect as we are our often our harshest critiques. Try it next time you go out. look closely at someone who at first glance is perfect, you'll be able to see their little flaws, flaws which they may well obsess over. So you may well pass in public despite you being unconvinced when your study yourself.