You find out your 25 years old son is a crossdresser.

[ashleymasters]

Well my parents discovered my girly clothes when I was in high school andade a spectacle of it. They paraded me to a Christian therapist and made me meet with our pastor weekly for a long time. That is not good for anyone I think. Since telling my wife that I dress she has said she wants left out of it but, I know she still loves me. Obviously you love him sound would stick with that. That you love him and how ever involved you want to or do not want to be is your choice. It would be the same if he were a motorcycle rider and you thought it was dangerous or scary. It doesn't have to change much between you two at all. Wait a while for the shock to wear off.

[Dianne S]

So again, while a mother may "accept" that their son is a crossdresser [...] if they are honest about it, they would likely admit that they are about as thrilled over hearing this news as finding out that their son has leprosy, defrauded them of their life savings, married a Kardashian, or the like...

No, I disagree.

The reaction of spouses/partners is unique. In most cases, they started a romantic relationship with a man and that's what they expected to have. So they feel the most pain and betrayal at the revelation.

A parent has a completely different sort of relationship with their child; it's not sexual or romantic, so it's probably much easier for a woman to accept her child as transgender than to accept it in her partner. My mother was not thrilled when I came out to her. But neither does she see it as a big negative. I think her biggest worry is about my safety, to be quite honest... she always asks if anyone has "said anything" when I've been out as Dianne and she always tells me to "be careful".

If my dad had been transgender, however, I don't think my mother could have handled it nearly as easily...

[MissTee]

Wife and I have lost both a son and a grandchild. Both very tragically. From those experiences, we belong to a support group for parents and grandparents who have lost children. Oh, the stories we have heard of parents who said terrible things to their children only to lose them before having a chance to recant or say "I love you" again. For many, the torment haunts them endlessly and the Holiday season seems to compound that.

With that perspective, I offer up that should one of mine decide to CD or whatever I would not care. I will cherish and love them as long as I can. Worse things can happen.

[Seana Summer]

As someone who was once a 25 year old son, I hope you keep him as part of your life no matter how he is dressed. Being a CD can be especially difficult when your young and trying to figure out where you are heading in life. Being abandoned by your family, which I don't think you will do but some might, only makes things that much more difficult.

How big of a deal to make of it? He is 25, let him decide if he wants to share it with anyone or keep it totally private. If he wants to share it with you he might show up in your living room dressed up watching tv or he may openly wash his female cloths with the family laundry. If he doesn't want to share it he will continue to keep it hidden.

[Katey888]

My eldest son is 26 - and if that happened, of course I'd show him acceptance, support and advice - I would expect everyone on this forum to answer that in the affirmative even though some of us may struggle with our own self-acceptance from time to time.

His mother would be a different story, I feel... and this would be a particularly sensitive point with me because I am closeted and she has little perspective or exposure to anyone from the LGBT community. I'm pretty sure she would be horrified (supporting Tink's GG view here - an entirely natural and reasonable reaction) - she would think he might be gay, so we'd have to go through that whole sexuality-does-not-equal-gender discussion; and we'd have to talk about the whole TG/TS spectrum and how it doesn't necessarily mean he wants to transition; and then the need to express all things feminine... By which time I'm sure she'll be thinking of my love of nail polish - and how I know about all this stuff... I don't doubt that I would also be outed in complete support...

I'm sure mum would have the greatest difficulty coming to terms with this - but the most important points about advice have already been made, I think:

So, if my son or daughter had come to me and disclosed they were gay or lesbian or transgendered or just liked to wear women's clothing, I'd accept them. I'd also counsel them as best I could about navigating the perils society has placed on these wonderful people.

Whether we like it or not, there is still a societal bias against us and as a result, you son will have some hard choices to make. ... If he were to become public, he may be tolerated but not necessarily welcomed and his opportunities may very well be limited. Not all employers have a Tim Cook at the helm.

Like Lacey, I've made a life entirely separate from this side of me - not for everyone, I know - but ultimately I'd think a lot of the advice would be about whether or not one is able to keep this as a private habit or there is a need for a more open expression... That will depend on the individual.

Oh - and then mum and I would probably have a discussion about whether this is hereditary or not...

We can keep wishing for and working towards a more accepting world.

Katey x

[Teresa]

Katie,
Initially I thought as a CDer you were putting the question because it actually happened ! So I was intrigued to know what your answer was !

I'm going to repeat a reply a good male gave me on my fears of my son finding out about my CDing, He said, " What makes you think he's not hiding something from you ?"

My son is now thirty three and married so it's more important what his wife would say rather what we would say !
Whether I would come out openly to help with their situation is a interesting question ! Lets just hope it's a stays hypothetical !

[Judith96a]

Initial, frivolous, reaction? "Quit that crying, your mascara will run!", delivered in my best Sgt-Major's tone!

The more serious response would be to reassure him that he need have no concerns about acceptance etc. from ME (but that his mother may be an entirely different matter). Some little time later I'd have to tell him about Judith.

[Sophie Yang]

Katie,

Every mother is going to react differently to her son's disclosure. Much of it depends on her philosophy on life and what kind of relationship she has with her son. A lot of it also depends on how her son discloses his cross dressing. The scenario you describe in your post is much different than if he said, "everything is OK, but I need to tell you something important to me and need your feed back."

I told my mom a couple of months ago over two visits. My mom and I try to go out every Sunday for lunch. The first visit, I asked her to read the Time magazine article, "The Transgender Tipping Point." Doubt she really read it. The next Sunday I showed up dressed at her front door. Once I convinced her that I was her son, she let me in. We talked a little bit about it while eating lunch. So now, every Sunday, the two of us go out. After a while, she summed up her reaction with, "if it makes you happy, I don't have a problem with it." Sometime later she said, "I would like you to take a look at some clothes I have that may fit you."

On occasion, she gets tickets to the final rehearsal performances of a local theater group from the senior center she visits and we go to those. Besides Sunday lunches, the next outing she wants to go to is the Senior Center's Christmas lunch, Christmas eve.

I would say the hardest thing for my mom is getting the pronouns correct when we are out together. I am not sure if the wait staff hears "he'll have" or "she'll have". I just ignore it and help her order. To date, we have never had a problem.

Disclosing has certainly made us closer, but sometimes mom can still drive me crazy. It is the crazy times that I look back at and have to laugh.

[justmetoo]

Lady Catherine, your mother's reaction sounds the same as my mother's. Sorry to contradict Leslie Langford, but my mother is being honest with her positive and loving response. It's not acceptance in quotes; it really is acceptance. I agree with Sophie Yang (sounds like you have a great relationship with your mother), every mother will probably react differently, based on the mother, the son, etc.

[kkaye]

I've been a suspect most of my life. If , I told my mother she might not even blink. It's such a non-issue and, I lead such a normal outward social life, I know it would not make a difference to anybody, I know. I credit it to my liberal social circles.

[Jennifer Devine]

My parents would hit the roof if they saw me all dolled up especially as they think I have forgotten about crossdressing.
I only ever dressed up when they were out anyway.
But one of these days I will speak up and say that this is a part of who I am and it will never go away even after giving up for 3 years!
It just comes back with a vengeance!
But the funny thing is my mum will still ask me for clothes advice and what goes with what! Lol Big Tease or what???

[BillieAnneJean]

Crossdressing is not like robbing a bank, child predator, or advocating overthrowing the government. It is not even a crime. If you lived in some other parts of the world, a young boy would be wearing nothing, a gourd, a grass skirt, a dress or something that looked like t, or clothes similar to what females wear. Wait a minute, he already is. Women wear pants in some countries but would be shunned or worse in others.

I would offer my child whatever they asked or needed as long as they are not doing anything harmful to themselves or others.

But crossdressing? Come on! In the scheme of things, ya gotta admit that it gets a lot more attention for the evil it seems to be perceived as than it really deserves.

Besides, when I was part of my child's conception, I signed up for the rest of my life to be the parent.

[Pat]

Just a thought -- to me there is a general template to this question: what would you do if you came home and found your child had turned into a {CD, Trekkie, follower of a different religion, cop, truck drive, popsicle, etc.} The answer always has to start with telling him you love him, you'll always love him and even if you don't agree with him or understand what it's all about, you'll be there for him.

That's really all a parent has to do.

[mechamoose]

The best thing you can do is be a parent who loves their child.

So.. what if they wanted to be an actor? An artist? A peace corps volunteer? Would you support them (yah, you would)

So.. finding your kid having gender issues and trying to make that right should be the same.

Support your kid. That *IS* what a parents job is. To teach them how to navigate the world.

<3

- MM

[Eryn]

...CDs maybe slightly biased....

Ya think?

Of course we'd be biased, but in a positive way. We've been there, we've felt the fear, disgust, and self-loathing, and we've at least partially found our way down this road.

If I am presented with anyone in the same situation, son, daughter, or friend I would want to help them find their true path as well.

From what I've seen on this forum is that parents are accepting of surprises from their children whereas wives most often feel deceived, cheated on, and hateful.

Lynn Marie, that's a mighty broad brush. There are a lot of spouses who are accepting. We don't hear as much about them because they don't generate as much drama as those who are not. Nearly every time I go out with other TG people our spouses are in integral part of whatever activity we are doing.

...Dressing to satisfy a strong internal feminine identity is a completely different animal than dressing for sexual excitement...

This is true, but at a young age the lines are blurred. A youth doesn't really understand why they are driven to experiment in this way and virtually everything will have a sexual component. Later on the sexual component may diminish.

[Katie Russell]

Hi

Thanks for all the replies.

Firstly I want to point out that I do not have a 25 year old son. It was purely a hypothetical question directed primarily at GGs and those of you whose mothers are in the know. I also appreciate that any CD is going to be totally biased in their answer.

It seems that a mother's love for her son is unconditional (in the majority of cases) and that she would be supportive (I just want you to be happy) and concerned about their son's safety. It was sad to see the reaction of some parents but it maybe more to do with a lack of understanding than anything else. I watched a programme called Forbidden Love: Our gender swap wedding (thread in Media section) which included the reactions of the parents or more specifically the mothers as I can't remember hearing from the fathers. It took some coming to terms with but in the end they were supportive as was the rest of the family and really echoed some of the answers in this thread.

A GGs love for her SO seems to be based on different dynamics. It's not unconditional and as Tinkerbell alluded to to there is also sexual element involved. Maybe this explains why a mother can support a son but would walk away from her SO for doing exactly the same thing. I appreciate that the majority of members her are supportive of the SO but you only need to do an internet search to find a lot of vitriol and hatred of CDing partners. I'm sure that if it was their child who CD then they would be supportive.

That is really what I was trying to understand from the question. If a GG loves her SO what is it that changes that that doesn't in the case of a son? In the question I posed the son has been deceitful and kept a secret for any years but is forgiven and supported. I have read many posts here about the lies and deceit being the worst part of finding out but is that really the core reason? Is it that a GG is wired to look for certain 'manly' traits in her SO and when they are compromised then the attraction and love are lost?

I don't know but I thought that by contrasting a son and SO it maybe a way of finding out a little more.

Katie

[Andy66]

Edit: Sorry, Katie, I must have misunderstood your original post. Sorry I yelled at you.

[BillieAnneJean]

WOW Katie!
Way to go! That last post of yours was terrific!
The concept that a SO would accept her son's CDing but not her husband's is interesting. But may I add my two cents worth?

A woman marrying a man who appears to be the "typical" guy (ie: not a CDer in this case) accepts a kind of contract that he will be what she sees at that time before the marriage ceremony, as an example during courting. If later on he becomes a CDer then her contract with him is altered. Sorta like when people bought those Cadillacs that turned out to have Chevy engines. The car was functionally as good but the cache was altered.

An interesting side note is that culture in the USA allows women to, post marriage (and before), work outside the home or not, wear dresses pants or sweats, cut her hair short or grow it out, made up or looking like she just fell out of bed, look like a woman or a man. And that is perfectly within her cultural rights. Pity that we all do not look at those cultural givens and think about whether or not they should be cast in stone, like that it is unacceptable for men to wear "women's" clothing or look like a woman.

Having a child is like mixing a cake and waiting to see what it turns out like. You know what you put in to the mix, you are just never completely sure what the final product is going to be until it is completed. And you have to accept that. Marrying a SO we think that we know the final product. Maybe that is the problem. Maybe we should all realize that people are in a continuous process of small changes and that we must work together in keeping those changes at a good or acceptable level to both partners.

So yes I have posted a comment. And I have done it in a polite and helpful manner. I would rather be part of the solution.

[Katie Russell]

Sorry Andy66 it was not my intention to manipulate or decieve anyone. My thread started with 'Imagine' as opposed to 'I' and I apologise if it caused confusion.

I do understand the different between a wife-husband and mother-son relationship and I do not want my wife to be a second mother. What I was trying to ask was at what point support is lost. Obviously some GG on this forum support their SO whereas others find it difficult even though they still love their husbands.

Katie

[Sarasometimes]

I never told my parents but from the reaction i got while in high school when they found a women's hair-styling book (I wanted to be a hairdresser) in my desk gave me a clear signal that CDing wasn't something to bring up at anytime.

[NicoleScott]

If he wanted help with frilly dresses and sissy maid's outfits, I would explain the difference between having gender identity issues and fetish, and advise him to go online and find suitable resources for that. I couldn't possibly help my son engage in fetish dressing.

Yes, this is a tough one. Crossdressing to feed a fetish is a personal and private matter. Not just because it's sexual, but also how it's perceived, and not just by outsiders but here as well. Coming out as a crossdresser wanting to express a feminine identity may get raised eyebrows, but tell someone you dress for sexual pleasure and people start looking for an exit. It's a condition we didn't ask for but have to manage, and that's best done in private alone or with consenting partners.
I have a maid's outfit and enjoy wearing it along with other things that excite me. But like you,I don't think I could help my son (which I also have) engage in fetish dressing, even getting both of us past the embarrassment. I can't even imagine a son confiding in his father that he dresses for sexual excitement. That's how personal and private it is. And not just personal, but highly personalized.

My best advice would be to embrace it, manage it, control it, enjoy it and be discreet, as I hope he would with his other sexual encounters not having a fetish connection. Importantly, at the point when a relationship gets serious, tell your partner. If it's a deal-breaker, better now than later. Also importantly, fetish-driven crossdressing can be an enhancement for bedroom activities with a willing partner. Just be careful not to allow the desire to crossdress to replace a normal sexual relationship with your partner. It's a slippery slope.

As for going online for information, I can tell you what returns when you search for sissy dresses, maid's outfits, and fetish dressing. There's going to be a lot of digging to get to those "suitable resources". But it's common to look for others with similar drives and tastes, if only for reassurance that we're not the only one.

[ReineD]

Nicole, exactly. Mothers have no business in their sons' sexual fantasy lives.

Nevertheless, I'd still find it difficult if my SO were to engage in fetish … this holds true for any fetish, not just the ones involving women's clothing. Fetishes are great when both partners are into it (I mean really into it and not just tolerating it or being accommodating), but they're not so good when one partner sources sexual excitement from something outside his partner, while the other partner sources it from her SO. It can feel awfully empty for the person who is not into the fetish. Take the crossdressing out of it, and say a husband is into AB. If the wife is not, they are severely mismatched.

Katie Russell, re your comment #41 about the hatred of CD partners you found online … I think that a great many CDers are into this for fetish. They may not belong to this site, or if some do they may only participate marginally as the members who visit the Gallery occasionally since the rules here are quite clear against any sexual content in posts. But, there are tens if not hundreds of thousands of CD sites out there ranging from CD-porn to fetish-type clothes, to meet-up sites and this indicates a fairly large fetish or 'sexual interest' number of CDers.

It may well be that the dislike you have encountered among wives is there because the wives are married to men who get more thrills out of the dressing than they do with their wives, as mentioned in my second paragraph.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Reine, it's absolutely the sexual dressers who many disgruntled wives are married to. I am married to one myself and I have a collection of wife friends who commiserate together about this thing we share. It's sure not easy sharing your H with the fantasy woman inside him. It's a surreal situation to find yourself in so it's no wonder so many wives are not pro crossdressing! It's like letting his mistress live in the house, only she's really ugly and turns your H into a horny, high, mirror-loving prostitute!

It's not all bad though if you work things out and my H and I have found our balance now. But for those who haven't yet found balance, the wives don't live with calmer, gentler men expressing an inner self like so many here. They live with great highs and angry lows and obsession and porn and the feeling of being worshipped and used, all in the same moment. It's tough marrying a man with a different sexuality as you're always either with it or competing against it. Until you decide not to anymore, and only then can the two of you figure out a compromise.

But yeah, I wouldn't want anything to do with my sons sexual crossdressing as my MIL doesn't of my H's, understandably. Again....eeeewwwww!

[jasminetv2]

+1 Katey's response and then take her shopping

[Teresa]

Katie,
The answer to your last paragraph ( 41)is that husband and wife are only partners, their son is flesh and blood ! My wife and I may have arguments but to fall out and find fault with your children is totally different your role is to support them and that comes naturally to fall out with them is unnatural !