Why I told my wife

[Jenniferathome]

There are threads beyond counting about "how one should tell one's wife." This is not about that.

A recent "talk" thread and some of the responses to it made realize that there is too much arguing about the wrong thing. So, indulge me a moment ...

I joined this site almost 4 years ago. WHY did I even join? I had been in the closet for decades and then one day I have to join this site? Clearly there was something missing for me. Simply living in the closet was not working. But why?

In a scant 45 days or so after joining, I came out to my wife. Now, did I get caught in the euphoria? Did I succumb to peer pressure? Both these notions have been proposed in the "talk" thread I referenced at the start. I was fortunate to be friended by a member here, Amanda22, who had come out recently to her wife. Was I caught up in Mandy's euphoria? Did Mandy pressure me into it? I mean I went from closet to full disclosure in a very short time. What possible reason could I have to make that leap? Now the answer is clear and I think for all those who come out it is equally clear: I wanted to. There was no euphoria. There was no peer pressure. I was ready but couldn't express it. By finding this site, I was unconsciously mapping my outing. By chatting with Mandy I was finding the words.

I think the same is true for all those who come out. So much arguing about honestly but that is self serving. Honesty IS the best policy but that is simply a side benefit. I NEEDED to tell. I was a pressure cooker waiting to blow. I didn't suddenly learn what honesty is. I had a need. I like to think that it was becuase I couldn't lie to my wife any longer. Maybe that was a part of it but my need was preeminent. I think all of us who come out have this need. Whatever perceived dangers there are in the outing, they pale next to the need. But here's the real problem: the pressure that builds prior to coming out changes you, for the worse.

So, to those who want to come out, you will. When is the right time? As soon as you need to.

[Teresa]

Jennifer,
It was a TV drama about CDing that finally pushed me into coming out to my wife, that was twenty years ago ! I wish I had the support of the forum then because I went into a deep downward spiral, which was not a nice place to be !
I'm not sure if the forum does exert any pressure, it has enabled me to get over the shame and guilt and accept Teresa as part of me with needs that should be respected ! I don't think it's a case of follow my leader, we all have different needs and ways to live with CDing most of us understand that and give each other support when we ask for it .

[DanaR]

Jennifer, great post and thanks for sharing with us. I came out to my wife many years ago and since then she was able to understand some of the stress that I was keeping inside me. Now she'll suggest that I need a girl day, and sadly sometimes I think that I have more important things that should be done. I suppose because I used to spend so much time dressed and going out before, I need to get some things accomplished now. But she tries to keep me grounded; which I appreciate.

[Kate T]

Jen

I am probably one of those whom you refer to who has a bit of a tendency to take the moral high ground so to speak. I acknowledge the criticism, it is fair and perhaps at times I have been overzealous in my advocacy of full disclosure.
I think you are right in that BOTH telling and not telling can have selfish elements. There are also unselfish reasons for both telling and not telling. My advocacy is that if you are NOT telling then please make sure it is not for selfish reasons but for unselfish reasons.
The major problem that I have with NOT telling is that you deny your partner choice. The choice to learn about it and decide for themselves if it is something that concerns them. It's a sort of free will argument. Some may choose to not want to know (pretty much what DADT is really) and some may choose to know more. The key for me is that they get to choose, not us trying to decide what is best for them.
Overall I think you are right. The benefits for us in telling should be to a certain extent a side effect, i.e. feeling good about being honest etc. In the same way that I said if you are not telling make sure it is for unselfish reasons, I would also say if you do tell also make sure it is for unselfish reasons, not because you hope to gain something.

[Melanie Z]

If there's one thing I'm sure of it's that there is no 'one size-fits all' solution to the question of coming out to your SO. It depends on your particular relationship. In my case, it was like Jennifer described, I didn't feel okay with keeping it hidden from her anymore - I needed to let the secret out. And yes, there was that little voice telling me it wasn't fair to her to get married (we're currently engaged, not married yet) without letting her know about this side of me - but I'm not here to condemn anyone who doesn't tell, I can't know your situation.

I had a talk with her the other day in which I told her I wouldn't push her to allow more than she was comfortable with when around her, and offered to answer any questions honestly - she didn't have any. I asked her if she wished I had kept my CDing a secret, and she answered with an unequivocal "no". Then I said that if she told me she couldn't live with it and I had to give it up to be with her, I would try to do that because she's more important to me, but it would be a painful thing for me to have to do. She responded that she didn't want to make me stop. Basically, right now I think she's trying to be okay with it, but internally she's really not. We've discussed going to a counselor for couples.

My opinion on relationships is: if she is truly unable to love you the way you are, that's probably not a relationship you want to stay in long term anyway. I realize that's little comfort to those with unaccepting SO's or those who are single but looking, but I stand by it nonetheless.

[Jenniferathome]

...perhaps at times I have been overzealous in my advocacy of full disclosure..

Adina, don't get me wrong, I am a firm believer in telling one's wife. It's right and it's fair. It is also completely disengenuous of me to write that when I did not do the same. I hid for more than 20 years of marriage! Sad. I think what I am driving to in my little diatribe here is that one WILL come out. It's just time. That pressure cooker will blow, or crush you into a singularity of sorts. When member here asks about how to "tell" their pressure cooker is already on high. It's not peer pressure or pink fog driving them to tell. They NEED to tell.

[Ressie]

Sounds like guilt is the reason. What else could cause the pressure cooker to blow? I confessed to my girlfriend and my sister about 35 years ago and felt a release of tension as a result. There certainly wasn't any peer pressure or pink fog back then! Not having to hide gives one a sense of freedom, but most of us will never come out to everyone we know.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Thanks for sharing this, Jennifer. I was wondering though if you think it was an escalation in dressing desire that caused you to come out? I've read that escalation can happen from the forties onwards and of course, it's a bit of a wife's nightmare to think she's one day going to lose her H to this. My H is about to hit this age bracket and nothing's changed in nearly 2 decades but I'm wondering if it will. I know you're not actually going to be able to tell me, (though I do consider you very wise, lol) but I can live with the way things are now, but I honestly doubt any shift of this to the forefront will keep our relationship intact.

Anyway, I'm glad you're in a good place now. Your honesty and rare candour here has helped me more than you know.

[Jenniferathome]

...I was wondering though if you think it was an escalation in dressing desire that caused you to come out? ...

Tink, I can state with certainty it was not dressing escalation as I dressed very, very rarely. And never a complete transformation. I think the need to dress "more" was the driver. Perhaps that's the same escalation without the physical manifestation. Why it hit me then, after 4 decades, is odd. Maybe all the other more important things, family, work, finances, were "finished" so to state such that my brain could devote time to "what if?" I'll certainly not know why but there was no trigger. I was being more and more an a$$ to my wife for no reason, almost pushing her away. Maybe that was the subconscious need working, pushing me to the cliff edge: either divorce or come out.

The bottom line is that I do not believe peer pressure, nor euphoria drives the outing. Stories of successful "talks" far outweigh the failures but neither story pushed me. All I got out of this site and from Mandy in particular, is that it COULD be done but it was going to happen anyway because I needed to tell her.

So, one last comment. On the "escalation" issue overall, I am certainly deescalating now. I went through my pink fog year or two but now it is just an occasional thing, a minor part of me. Just keep talking to your hubby, you two will be fine. Take care,

[bridget thronton]

I can relate to the comments about learning how to do the reveal. It is still hard and a bit scary, but this forum got me thinking and let me rehearse the words i could use when speaking to my wife and adult children (and their partners). They were still my own words but much more carefully considered than simply doing a big bang type reveal.

[Gardener]

Jennifer I feel sure that what you have written will touch many people just as the comments of others in the thread will do. Like Teresa I was not as well supported when I told my wife and her reaction was mixed and at the time I probably gravitated towards the negative end. I am not sure that anyone can say convincingly why we are drawn to this way of being, in all its varieties. Similarly how to deal with it must have many different responses. However if there is one thing I now believe in more than anything else it is the concept of honesty. Not necessarily to others, that is a step down the road, but honesty to oneself. It allowed me to accept this part of myself, not be ashamed of my feminine traits. Being able to feel not alone whether it be through this site or others on the web also was a comfort and help. This is not a site which is filled with lurid sensational chats. It is full of normal decent people at different stages of their lives and openness, genuinely trying to find their way. I have valued nearly all that I have read.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I don't quite see Jennifer's point- of course the telling comes from a compulsion, from pressure within. I can't imagine anyone risks destroying their marriage because they feel a bit dishonest about putting on stockings. I told my wife before I found this site, and I heartily wish I'd read a load of threads here before telling her. I think I handled it ok, but I could have handled it better.

[Marcelle]

Hi Jennifer,

This has always been and always will be my stance on this. Yes, most people will "have the talk" when they are ready and for the most part that is what happens. I bottled, submerged, beat down and hid this part of me after I dressed once at 17 until 32 years later (never dressing in between) it was resident but supressed until it got too much to handle and then exploded in a symphony of frustration, anger, apathy and finally depression. I had no option left but to tell my wife ( I did not dress in any manner until after I told her) and luckily she was supportive and still remains so. In my case as in yours I was ready because to not do so would have been hard emotionally on both of us. So no pressure or group induced pressure.

However, we can all agree that there are many here who the minute someone posts "should I tell" they jump on the moral high ground and throw out comments like "Honesty" "Trust" "Don't be dishonest" and some downright nasty "liar comments". This is not conducive to good stewardship on the part of those who have come out and survived. Each of us who has come out reached a point in our lives when it was as you say "NEEDED" and again luckily it worked out. Using language no matter how well intentioned the meaning to get someone to "come out" before they are ready is irresponsible in my opinion. Each of us (like you and me) have to be afforded the opportunity to make that decision for ourselves without the "Liar, Liar pants on fire club" chiming in.

So I agree 100 percent with you "Come out when the time is right" but that is choice not a requirement.

Hugs

Isha

[Alicia S]

Thanks for this posting Jennifer, the thread was getting well tangled.
I found I had moved from relatively straight if somewhat rocky looking path to getting bogged down re-investigating my motives and direction (not a bad thing). I
came to this site seeking put the information I needed to continue, not expecting to get taken off course. It's all good though - different views give more perspective . I have the same pressure cooker as you did but right now the heat is down a bit.
Time to better prepare for the moment.

{{{{Alicia}}}}

[Katie Russell]

Hi

I didn't have the 'talk' I was found out. If I hadn't been found out then things would probably have continued as before as I felt no pressure to act in any other way. I joined the site after I was discovered really to find answers and as an antidote to some of the vitriol spouted on sites such a mumsnet.

I guess that if I had joined the site before I was discovered then I may have felt more inclined to have the 'talk' because of all the peer pressure to come clean. Having said that I agree with Jennifer in that joining the site would probably have been part of the process so it may have come out in the end but only on my terms.

Everyone is in a unique situation and if you can find some of the answers you are looking for on the site then great. But make sure, that you are sure, in your own heart that you are making the right decision as nobody else on the site lives by the consequences of your decision.

Katie

[kimdl93]

Jenn, you expressed my motivations for coming out better than I could. I did it before we married, but the motivation was the same.

[Sara Jessica]

I cannot relate to having to "have the talk" post-marriage because my reveal came soon after I met my bride and before we were even engaged. As such, I am an avid supporter of honesty but can't even begin to fathom what it feels like to drop such a bomb after marriage (whether recently married or 20+ years). My feedback therefore has to do with examining one's motives for the reveal and to ensure the fallout is considered. Yes, this is an absolute bomb for most women, one that often remains in detonation mode as she tries to cope with an image of her husband, her man, her marriage and perhaps the father of her child(ren) that is contrary not only to what she has come to know and love but also runs afoul with the ideal she grew up with. This isn't for the faint of heart on either side.

And when all is said and done, I still cannot help but be concerned when brand new participants here are seemingly quick to run down various rabbit holes. This one in particular can be life-altering, perhaps in a good way but bad outcomes are very possible as well.

Motives for disclosure are important as well. Yes, it is important to consider taking the weight of guilt off of one's shoulders but keep in mind that this weight is often transferred to the shoulders of your loving spouse. A different weight but significant nonetheless. How about those with the fantastical need to have their wife participate (ooh, I just can't wait for her to do my makeup, we can go out together as 'girlfriends', etc)? That too is not a realistic outcome to expect. Some women may in fact embrace this whole thing and have tons of fun with it. Others may try but will fail to come to grips emotionally (through no fault of their own), only to slide back into a DADT situation. Others cannot get their heads around this and go immediately into DADT or worse, again...through no fault of their own.

When all is said and done, the result of disclosure for one tells us absolutely nothing about the potential result for another. Yet there are lessons to be learned which may help in these situations, to help future disclosers be as best prepared as possible. Jennifer, you have been a voice of reason on this subject, and rightfully so. Yet I cannot help but thinking that our words sometimes serve as enablers that lead others to possibly write their own narratives to prop up a state of euphoria that often comes with discovery of this site. Am I failing to give some individuals credit for being able to think things through on their own? Perhaps. But we have all seen various degrees of fallout in the name of something people call "pink fog" or as I often describe it, an excuse for poor behavior and/or decisions.

Although I doubt David Byrne had this in mind when he wrote "Life During Wartime" for Talking Heads, this lyric seems to fit...

This ain't no party
This ain't no disco
This ain't no fooling around.

[Heidi Stevens]

Thank you for the thread, Jennifer. I too was found out after years of keeping Heidi a secrete from my wife. It took almost nine months more for me to come right out and say it to her, waiting for the right time to explain everything. It was about the same time I joined the site and the advice from all of you has helped me keep my marriage alive. I knew I had to tell my wife about my dressing very early in our relationship, but I had no guidelines or others experiences to fall back on, so I continued to hide my feminine side from her. This only made the inevitable more of a big blow to our relationship.
Through advice from all of you, we are both progressing on my need to express my female side. We've reached compromises and such is marriage. We both continue to work on both our needs, and I really appreciate all the help and encouragement that this site gives me. Thank you all!
And why did I tell my wife? She deserved it. She needed to know why I would act the way I would (when I couldnt dress). And above I knew it was my responsiblity as a partner to tell her. But my love for her kept me keeping Heidi in the shadows to not hurt her. I now know this is the wrong path for most couples and I had to tell her to set our relationship right.

[Athena_]

Jennifer,

Great post with solid reasoning for having the talk. Like Katie, I was found out before I told my wife. I found this site shortly after, to try to better understand myself and read about others who have been down this path. I only wish that I had looked for help and advice before being found out. I ernestly belive that would have likely had the talk in a much more controlled way than it happened. I don't think that the peer pressure of others would have pushed me to have the talk. I also strongly agree that the pressure of keeping my crossdressing a secret was taking a toll.

I would highly recommend to all Jennifer's: "how to tell your wife" thread (linked in the original post). I found that her experience with the talk and subsequent advice was very useful even after being found out.

[Mollyanne]

Hi Jen, I first read your narrative quickly and ALMOST moved on but then I came back and re-read it again but this time much slower. Your words hit me much harder than I could have ever imagined and for what its worth you couldn't have said it better or said it with any more conviction. I applaud your candor and insight into a desire for "sisters" like us to be free of our guilt.

Molly

[JayeLefaye]

Thanks for starting this Jennifer!

I'm gonna put a different spin on my answer and take CDing(in my personal case) completely out of it. As an update to what follows, I ain't hid nothin' from no one I've been intimate with for the last 14 years....

Why?....Because I realized that I am an amazing human being; body, soul, spirit and quirks...I am a total package of awesome, and pity the fool who can't appreciate ALL of me.

My different spin? It came from an 18 year marriage to a woman my younger brother once described as "pure evil"...My brother wasn't completely right, but I can't find many folks who disagree with him.

Cross dressing didn't figure into the equation/marriage at all. But what DID figure in, was that she was a domineering force of nature, and I was(by nature & nurture) a "peacemaker", who would do anything to avoid confrontations.

The bottom-line result, was that I eventually disappeared. I ended up being a stranger in my own life....Everything I said/felt/did was negated and belittled...One day, I "ran screaming into the night" and spent a couple of months sleeping on friends couches and finding a wonderful therapist.

I rediscovered myself:-)...Actually, I rediscovered the 5 year old boy who knew that the world was full of wonder, and that I was one of those wonders!!!

End personal history, and back to the question of "Why come out"?...

I would mainly suggest coming out to an SO if...IF...You feel that a part of you(A VITAL) part of you just doesn't deserve to be hidden/ignored/beaten down....If someone is comfortable with their arrangement, then keep it going as is!!! But if you feel like you are a stranger in your own life because only part of you is allowed to be acknowledged, then perhaps your "Why" is because YOU MATTER!!!

Your mileage may vary...

Jaye

[Eringirl]

Thanks Jennifer for the thoughtful post. As with most things on this forum, situations are very personal and individual. What works for one, or even some, may not work for another. In the end, only the individual in the situation will know when it is right. Sure, there is a lot of good counsel here, but it is just that, counsel. It is not a "call to action", or a "must do". I came out to my wife 15 years ago. I was not on this forum, but on another one at the time which was a great help. Many of my friends there went on to transition and are extremely happy. That time was good for them and I am so very happy for them. But to each their own time about everything involved with CD/TG, as with all aspects of a person's life.

Thanks for bringing this up...

Erin

[Annaliese]

Thank Jennifer for posting, it does seam like there is some pressure to tell, and you are right it will come out when you are ready, for me I out my self, by not cleaning my make up off left some eye liner. Did I forget, or was I ready and this was my way of getting it out, don't know. The reason for the make up, I had been to the Gold Rush, it was my first time out, It was when I took my fem name. First time anyone had ever seen me dress. I think the closet felt safe, but once out of it, I was ready to blow. So did I or didn't I out my self. I will never know. So yes when it your time when the pressure is to much you will do it knowing or not will out your self.

[Kandi Robbins]

For me (after almost 30 years), it finally became a matter of needing to be honest with the woman I love (after first being honest with myself). It has been stories like yours that gave me the strength to open up, allowing me to be myself. I was having trouble even looking myself in the eyes. The future should be interesting.

[richelle52]

A few months ago my wife found a purchase for bra and panty sets that I had bought on woot.com. she was looking for the delivery tracking schedule on another item we had ordered. I didn't think she knew my password but she figured it out... oops.
I was already in bed sleeping when she came to wake me and accused me of having an affair and was buying lingerie for another woman.
I was still half asleep and confused and couldn't think of a lie fast enough so I just blurted out "they are mine... I have been buying and wearing them for years".
She almost fainted and stomped out of the room. I laid there thinking, well this is it.. I will have to pack my bags tonight.
After about 15 minutes she came back into the bedroom and crawled into bed with me and started asking questions about how long and why I would do such a thing and not tell her about it.
I told her that it was one of the main reasons that my last marriage ended in divorce. She said that she didn't understand but if I wasn't turning gay or having an affair that she didn't really care.
She wanted to see my lingerie so I pulled out my secret stash.. she was amazed at the number of bras and panties I owned. She said most were nicer than hers.
I told her that I would buy her new ones that and asked if she would go with me to buy them cause I have always been so embarrassed to buy them in stores. She agreed and actually said it was fine to start wearing them when I wanted around the house as long as I didn't cross dress and go out.
Since then I have been wearing bras and panties and nighties around the house almost every evening. I Love my wife more than ever and it has made us much closer than ever.