Why I told my wife

[NicoleScott]

Every once in a while, we hear a news story about a man who walks into a police station to turn himself in for robbing a bank decades in the past and getting away with it but couldn't live with the secret any longer. (I'm not equating crossdressing with bank robbery). For whatever reason a voice inside says "now is the time to tell". The way I read the post, Jennifer is not advocating telling NOW, but when the time is right, and you'll know when that is.

There is really no way of knowing how things would have turned out if they had been done differently or at another time. In other threads, Jennifer said that she came out after 20+ years of marriage. Who knows, it may have taken those 20+ years for the marriage to become solid enough to survive the revelation, or it may have survived long before that. My marriage of just a few years didn't survive - maybe it would have if I had kept my secret for 20+ years. But there was no way of knowing.

I agree with Isha that liar liar condemnation on the forum doesn't help.

[Brenda456]

There is a lit of stress involved in keeping cross dressing to yourself. I hid it for years before telling my wife. The stress did not go away, but it did change. My wife does not like my crossdressing but at least the guilt from not telling is no longer there. She appreciated that I talked with her about it.

[Kate T]

Jen

I am probably one of those whom you refer to who has a bit of a tendency to take the moral high ground so to speak. I acknowledge the criticism, it is fair and perhaps at times I have been overzealous in my advocacy of full disclosure.
I think you are right in that BOTH telling and not telling can have selfish elements. There are also unselfish reasons for both telling and not telling. My advocacy is that if you are NOT telling then please make sure it is not for selfish reasons but for unselfish reasons.
The major problem that I have with NOT telling is that you deny your partner choice. The choice to learn about it and decide for themselves if it is something that concerns them. It's a sort of free will argument. Some may choose to not want to know (pretty much what DADT is really) and some may choose to know more. The key for me is that they get to choose, not us trying to decide what is best for them.
Overall I think you are right. The benefits for us in telling should be to a certain extent a side effect, i.e. feeling good about being honest etc. In the same way that I said if you are not telling make sure it is for unselfish reasons, I would also say if you do tell also make sure it is for unselfish reasons, not because you hope to gain something.

[Melanie Z]

If there's one thing I'm sure of it's that there is no 'one size-fits all' solution to the question of coming out to your SO. It depends on your particular relationship. In my case, it was like Jennifer described, I didn't feel okay with keeping it hidden from her anymore - I needed to let the secret out. And yes, there was that little voice telling me it wasn't fair to her to get married (we're currently engaged, not married yet) without letting her know about this side of me - but I'm not here to condemn anyone who doesn't tell, I can't know your situation.

I had a talk with her the other day in which I told her I wouldn't push her to allow more than she was comfortable with when around her, and offered to answer any questions honestly - she didn't have any. I asked her if she wished I had kept my CDing a secret, and she answered with an unequivocal "no". Then I said that if she told me she couldn't live with it and I had to give it up to be with her, I would try to do that because she's more important to me, but it would be a painful thing for me to have to do. She responded that she didn't want to make me stop. Basically, right now I think she's trying to be okay with it, but internally she's really not. We've discussed going to a counselor for couples.

My opinion on relationships is: if she is truly unable to love you the way you are, that's probably not a relationship you want to stay in long term anyway. I realize that's little comfort to those with unaccepting SO's or those who are single but looking, but I stand by it nonetheless.

[TerriM]

My wife has known over 30 yrs. We are married 43 yrs. I told her after she found something. We had 2 children at the time. We have 5 now all grown. One of my sons lives with us with his young son. We never talk about my femme side. I try to get out about 1x a month, but that doesn't always happen. My family is very important to me. I know my wife will never except my female side. As far as I know my children don't know. Balance is my key word.

[Angie G]

I had a need the need was more dressing time here and there didn't make it eney longer. She is very acceping And I dress much more now and with my wife present in the room. I've got to the point where I'm dress in girl oufits more then guy mode.And she's good with it.
Angie

[Jenniferathome]

...perhaps at times I have been overzealous in my advocacy of full disclosure..

Adina, don't get me wrong, I am a firm believer in telling one's wife. It's right and it's fair. It is also completely disengenuous of me to write that when I did not do the same. I hid for more than 20 years of marriage! Sad. I think what I am driving to in my little diatribe here is that one WILL come out. It's just time. That pressure cooker will blow, or crush you into a singularity of sorts. When member here asks about how to "tell" their pressure cooker is already on high. It's not peer pressure or pink fog driving them to tell. They NEED to tell.

[Ressie]

Sounds like guilt is the reason. What else could cause the pressure cooker to blow? I confessed to my girlfriend and my sister about 35 years ago and felt a release of tension as a result. There certainly wasn't any peer pressure or pink fog back then! Not having to hide gives one a sense of freedom, but most of us will never come out to everyone we know.

[Beverley Sims]

I think the "why" is more of an interesting subject than all confessions, guilt and reasons.

[MissTee]

We were only married about two years when she lured me into wearing a red teddy -- one that she had bought specifically in my size -- to bed with her. In the months following she bought me several more nightgowns and some panties she thought were cute. For about a year or more she thought I was only playing along for the sex. Little did she know I was dressing since I was around 10 years old.

For a good twenty years we kept it at nighties and panties. Then one day she was complaining about wearing a skirt and said something like, "If only men knew how blah-blah-blah . . . " I offered to try, she bought me one and here we are. In a way then -- and to Tink's point -- I suppose I escalated by dressing more and in a wider variety. My wife has repeatedly stated "it's just clothes."

Nevertheless, I do not want to go out. I do not want to "share" this with the kids, friends, family, etc. I am not looking to be a crusader or activist for dressing, either. I am not looking to go on HRT or change being man. I am pushing 60 and perfectly content to stay in the closet with my wife at my side. Now, my wife has hinted at us going away and going out dressed together somewhere. I have declined and will continue to do so.

My need is simply to dress and have her be okay with it. I've got that. If I did not, I would have the same need you describe, Jennifer.

[Sarah Louise]

I've only been visiting this site for seven weeks after coming back to dressing after 20 odd years. By the time I met my wife over 20 years ago, I had stopped and thought it was something I had grown out of. This site has certainly helped my inner debate whether or not to tell my wife. However, for now I'm going to stay in the closet.

Firstly, I don't want to risk hurting her. Some might say this is selfish, but maybe it's more selfish to hurt the one you love? My cross dressing isn't doing anyone any harm and I think it actually makes me a better person who is more considerate of others.

Secondly (and maybe this is selfish) I'm scared that it will ruin what is a fantastic marriage. I'm unsure how she will react if I come clean. I adore my wife and would hate to cause a division between us or cause the marriage to fail. Will my children thank me for ruining their parent's marriage?

Finally, I don't have a desire to dress regularly. Yes, I would like to dress more often, but I don't get down if I can't do it. I just enjoy it when I get the chance.

So for now, I'll stay in the closet. However, I know this site will continue to help me when I want to reconsider.

[5150 Girl]

I say come out as early as possible. It saves a lot of grief down the road. But that only applies to new relationships.
After you tie the knot, there really is no "good time" per se... Just pick a time when everyone is in the best mood possible.

[CynthiaD]

I got tired of hiding my clothes and I got tired of purging. And like Angie, I needed more girl time.

[JayeLefaye]

Thanks for starting this Jennifer!

I'm gonna put a different spin on my answer and take CDing(in my personal case) completely out of it. As an update to what follows, I ain't hid nothin' from no one I've been intimate with for the last 14 years....

Why?....Because I realized that I am an amazing human being; body, soul, spirit and quirks...I am a total package of awesome, and pity the fool who can't appreciate ALL of me.

My different spin? It came from an 18 year marriage to a woman my younger brother once described as "pure evil"...My brother wasn't completely right, but I can't find many folks who disagree with him.

Cross dressing didn't figure into the equation/marriage at all. But what DID figure in, was that she was a domineering force of nature, and I was(by nature & nurture) a "peacemaker", who would do anything to avoid confrontations.

The bottom-line result, was that I eventually disappeared. I ended up being a stranger in my own life....Everything I said/felt/did was negated and belittled...One day, I "ran screaming into the night" and spent a couple of months sleeping on friends couches and finding a wonderful therapist.

I rediscovered myself:-)...Actually, I rediscovered the 5 year old boy who knew that the world was full of wonder, and that I was one of those wonders!!!

End personal history, and back to the question of "Why come out"?...

I would mainly suggest coming out to an SO if...IF...You feel that a part of you(A VITAL) part of you just doesn't deserve to be hidden/ignored/beaten down....If someone is comfortable with their arrangement, then keep it going as is!!! But if you feel like you are a stranger in your own life because only part of you is allowed to be acknowledged, then perhaps your "Why" is because YOU MATTER!!!

Your mileage may vary...

Jaye

[Tammy Lynn Tx]

Jen, I told my wife about Tammy the night we met. I figured that I had been married twice before and had told both the Ex's within 6 months of meeting ( both those marriages lasted 7 yrs each) I didn't want to waste time in telling her and put a bunch of time into a relationship if she was going to run away screaming into the night. We first became friends and she she has been very helpful and supportive for 24 yrs.

You are right it is best to tell the intended spouse as soon as possible

[Tina B.]

I told my wife after five years of marriage, I hadn't said anything before that, as I was "cured" after my divorce, I hadn't dressed in years.
But then after five years into my second marriage, the cure "failed". I was under a lot of pressure, and life was closing in on me hard, when all of a sudden nothing was more important than those damn clothes. I fought the urge, and I mean I fought it hard, but the harder I resisted the harder it got. I became depressed, angry, and resentful, almost ruining a second marriage. Then I figured I was going to lose it all anyway, so I just up and told her why I was always in such a rotten mood, turns out she is a very understanding women, and took it all in stride. She helped me build my wardrobe, taught me the basics of makeup and then let me have all the time I needed to find myself.
For me, I do know what it would have been like if I had kept quiet, I would have missed out on a great live with a great wife. I doubt that I would have ever married for a third time, and because of family I doubt that I would have ever come out, so it would have been a very lonely life. I know not everyone gets the results that I did, so I never recommend coming out to your wife, I will say, if you are married to the right person coming out can be the best thing that will ever happen, But if you are married to a women that can't handle it, life can seem like either a spy story, with all of the sneaking and secrets, or it can be a living hell with a very resentful women, or divorce.
You have to know the women, and try to read her attitude about such things and even then it can be, it's OK for them, but not in my house. So most of all, I recommend caution.

[Sarasometimes]

Jennifer, thanks for posting about how you came to tell your wife. I think the quote of yours shown below was likely a huge reason "your need to tell" was strong enough to get you to tell her.

"Maybe all the other more important things, family, work, finances, were "finished" so to state such that my brain could devote time to "what if?"

Until I read that follow up I was thinking that maybe I was missing something in how to deal with my similar situation. Do you agree that this was a huge factor in when you had to tell? I have a job, school age kids to consider which sounds like you did to at one time and held back that urge until things were simpler and came down to just ho the two of you would manage to work this out.
Great to hear that it went well and I look forward to your reply to my question. Thanks, Sara

[Jenniferathome]

Hi Sara,

When I wrote "finished" I mean that my kids were in college (not living with us), I still work but money is not an issue. Maybe this was my midlife crisis? I drive a truck, not a Ferrari.

I can't tell you that I even thought about these things when I told my wife. I really think it was the pressure cooker. "It" needed out and I came out. Over the year prior to coming out, I was becoming a real a$$ toward my wife. I began to see it. Was I really this person? Did I not love my wife any more? What was driving me to push her away and act like a sh1thead? Keep in mind that I rarely dressed even then. And didn't own a wig or makeup or shoes or wardrobe. No "stash." Still, I came to realize that my hiding this from my wife was the source of my pushing her away. I needed to tell her THEN. I love my wife. We've been together since college. So what was my choice really?

Prior, when my kids were in high school or younger, life was so busy that I can't say I devoted too many brain calories to the idea of cross dressing. Prior to coming out, and during marriage, I probably dressed a total of 5 times in 20+ years and never completely nor for any length of time. Cross dressing was just not something I thought about. Maybe when my wife and I became empty nesters, the idea and base need began to move up in my subconscious. It was't quite a light switch, but it happened quickly, over about a year as I recall it. So while I did not consciously consider the time, I didn't hold out until then, it was likely a contributor to my ability to both think on it and come out.

i think all of us feel the pressure cooker. When your's is on hi, you'll come out. I hope this helped. Jen

[richelle52]

A few months ago my wife found a purchase for bra and panty sets that I had bought on woot.com. she was looking for the delivery tracking schedule on another item we had ordered. I didn't think she knew my password but she figured it out... oops.
I was already in bed sleeping when she came to wake me and accused me of having an affair and was buying lingerie for another woman.
I was still half asleep and confused and couldn't think of a lie fast enough so I just blurted out "they are mine... I have been buying and wearing them for years".
She almost fainted and stomped out of the room. I laid there thinking, well this is it.. I will have to pack my bags tonight.
After about 15 minutes she came back into the bedroom and crawled into bed with me and started asking questions about how long and why I would do such a thing and not tell her about it.
I told her that it was one of the main reasons that my last marriage ended in divorce. She said that she didn't understand but if I wasn't turning gay or having an affair that she didn't really care.
She wanted to see my lingerie so I pulled out my secret stash.. she was amazed at the number of bras and panties I owned. She said most were nicer than hers.
I told her that I would buy her new ones that and asked if she would go with me to buy them cause I have always been so embarrassed to buy them in stores. She agreed and actually said it was fine to start wearing them when I wanted around the house as long as I didn't cross dress and go out.
Since then I have been wearing bras and panties and nighties around the house almost every evening. I Love my wife more than ever and it has made us much closer than ever.