elusive search for happiness

[kaleyg]

Deleted post.

[Alice Torn]

KaleyG, Thanks for sharing. Every person has a different life story, and reality. It is ok to walk away from CDing, and never do it again, and ok if you do it again. I can relate a little, except i am single. i tend to be a binge dresser, like a binge drinker. I once was a fanatic with sports, and some other things, but eased out of those things, no longer crazy about them. When i first dressed fully, pink fog went wild, then reality of work, roommates, and having to move 2000 miles to help my very difficult father hit me. I last fully dressed a month ago, hope to dress just once a week. Many other things to mind, and obligations, and as I tend to not take care of important things very well, i need be better about taking care of myself, and important responsibilities, better, and pink fog, can mess me up. It can take over. I can see where i may have to stop, if severe circumstances hit like a runaway train. Maybe store your lady things in a locker, just in case you fall off the wagon temporarily. I understand about religious issues, prayer. Don't beat yourself up, though, as i use to do.

[Sarah Doepner]

Kaley,

I understand and it seems there are a lot of us on similar paths, some wishing to get off the CD bus and others wanting to drive it. If it's true that we are hard-wired to be this way, it's a going to be a long, difficult road if you choose to push it away. I've gone long times with no desire to dress and those were happy times for me as well. But once I accepted my crossdressing as a part of me that probably wasn't going away and began to deal with it, things were better. It's a hard choice and hard road, particularly when that desire is so damn strong that you are willing to put everything, including family and career on the line.

Your efforts at finding relief show dedication, you have some close support and you seem to be trying a lot of different things. Don't give up and don't expect one single thing to work, it may be several partial measures that do the most good.

If being on this site doesn't give you the help and you can't get what you need from friends or family, it may be time to get some outside help. I'm about to go down that road myself. There are too many questions and I don't know if the answers I'm coming up with on my own are valid or even make sense. Sometimes that view from outside your world can help.

Good luck.

[Jaylyn]

Kayley I can feel sympathy for you. I had to lay off of cross dressing while raising my kids. Very little cross dressing occurred then it was mostly scarce to only being able to apply makeup or wear panty hose under my pants and that was very limited. I say you have to put nearly every thing you have into raising kids and also of keeping your wife first and foremost in your life. I did this by planning a weekend at least every couple of months away with my wife at a motel. I feel those we love and cherish most should come first behind my religion and then my time is then addressed only after the other two. Be patient and take baby steps till the family is raised, attend their events at schools, be the supportive dad and be the kind loving husband you need to be. Speaking from experience you will have time later in life to dress and paint your toes and fix the makeup. The kids grow up fast ( as I look back faster than I would have liked) and you don't want to miss their becoming good adults. You will feel more successful in life if you do this. Don't lie to the wife but cherish her and place her on a pedestal and be the male she married while helping her with the kids. She'll love you and is more likely to understand your wanting to dress later in life. I hope this helps a little, the main thing is put the important things in life in order and take care of business. Life's tough without having a bad marriage and kids that you failed on, being an ex teacher I have seen this happen in many parents lives. They seem to never find their happiness. Good luck.

[kimdl93]

Kaley have you sought any sort of qualified counseling? The cycle you're describing is the problem...perhaps you feel good about yourself when you walk away from dressing because that inner voice is still telling you there is something wrong with it. And though you clearly enjoy (and excel at) dressing and have some support, that nagging inner voice makes it far less enjoyable and fulfilling than it could be. Guilt, shame and self loathing are the burden we most need to shed if we are to live happy, complete lives. You can overcome these, or whatever underlies your situation with some capable professional help.

[kaleyg]

Thanks for the great input so far. I'd love to hear from others. . .

[Teresa]

Kaleg,
To me there's no walking away,it stay in my mind too much to say I can't do without it !
I've managed to get to talk to my wife and she has accepted that I dress more openly, if it makes me happy , but I'm not taking her up on it yet because I know it was a hard decision for her to make and I can see she needs to come to terms with what she's said !

[Ressie]

My life is much different to be able to truly relate. No wife, kids or short temper here. Pink fog seems to move in and take time away from important things though.

[ReluctantDebutant]

You are not alone kaleyg. I know I wouldn't be so reluctant if it really made me happy but it doesn't. Every time you try to get a way it is always right behind.

[kelly_1979]

I know that this isn't really different or anything but I always wonder...what is the point of it? Like for example I bought girl jeans and now I want to buy another pair more feminine and also fitting. That makes me feel happy then also sad. Like "ok, you wore it, now what?". The other thing, which is also true for me (obviously) is the obsession. I can't even remember how I started thinking I want to buy girl jeans and the thought is stuck into my brain, just imagining myself pretty and unable to do any serious work.
And all this without having kids or wife....

[Jorja]

Walk away from dressing, yea right! Maybe if I lived on my own private island. Besides, its cold outside now I would get really cold.

[ReineD]

I agree with Kim. You might want to try dressing on a regular basis while also balancing it with your male life, thus avoiding the roller coaster. You would need your wife's cooperation to do this.

Last month you posted that your wife doesn't know. You may not realize that this is what makes you go for it "like an alcoholic" (your words). You are trying to cram as much as you can into the little time that you have, sort of like having a feast before the famine. No wonder it turns into an obsession and you cannot achieve balance.

So you might want to rethink not telling your wife, even if it takes a few years before she becomes comfortable with the idea of you going out regularly (in the next town over if need be). Is there a local support group you could attend, the type of support group that meets monthly and includes spouses? Even if your wife does not attend, it would be a good idea to keep inviting her so she would know that everything is above board?

My SO went through a period of expansion when she began going out in public and it appeared as if the CDing was very high on the priority list. Very high, to the point that I thought she was not interested in our relationship any more. I won't get into all the details. But since then, my SO has gotten used to going out (it has been about 6-7 years now), and frankly it's just not a big deal. This makes it much easier for him/her to feel as if there is a choice.

Right now, when you dress, I bet you feel as if you don't have a choice?

The goal for my SO is to go out about twice per week … once during the week on her own for an afternoon, and during the weekend with me out to dinner or something. And we did do this for years, sometimes we would go away for an entire weekend in a city a few hours away. But this year both our schedules have been crammed and when my SO has time to dress, most of the time he chooses not to over just staying home to chill. My SO rarely dresses just to stay home any more, it's simply not as interesting as going out.

[Beverley Sims]

Kaley,
That is my present project.
Today Hanover again and later Berlin.

I hope you do resolve yours.

[noeleena]

Hi,

maybe in many ways i never ever searched for happyness and never had to .

very young i was known as the kid who was pretty much allways smiling maybe something about me was wired in / born with . even though my early life was about abuse and worse not living my life was with in a moment of death was totaly shut down for 10 years mind blank ,sure not much to be happy about infact a not good start in life ,

yet i remained happy over all , was i covering up for my past well i never knew it so no . my dispostion was most of the time i was happy even in hardship and worse,

over the last 21 years things changed to even better i would say a lot of my happyness is about i can express my self totaly fully as was not possible before , being happy in my self as a person , i tryed to make someone in my life happy and to fullfill her . Jos of cause .

Did i , i struggled with that so im not sure you can help make or something to make others happy , happyness really comes from with in yes you can make others happy in some aspects yet when i look at that is that allready there we just need to open our door to let it out .so others can be happy with us ....==.....

Theres a part of us thats instilled in us and the happyness is there we just need to latch hold and let it come forth.

sorry if im not explaining it right, i just cant find the words, sorry .

Okay ... im happy because i am who i am and not being some one else,

...noeleena...

[Marcelle]

Hi Kaley,

I am sorry for your angst and can relate to some degree with my first few months after I came out. I was ecstatic in that my wife supported but still had inner turmoil as I was not sure what it all meant (i.e., feeling of guilt, shame still rolling around). I would dress intermittently and then cease because I felt ashamed. Luckily I was working with a wonderful gender identity therapist and she talked me through this by getting me to accept who I am (internally) . . . I am the same person regardless of how I am dressed and just needed to integrate these differences into my life. I am not sure if your wife knows/accepts/supports your dressing but if you are at that juncture then I would try to work out a plan where you can dress in whatever manner you wish and or venue you wish to explore as this might help alleviate some of the angst. In addition you should try to seek out some counselling to help bring order to chaos. My two cents for what it is worth.

Hugs and good luck.

Isha

[Lynn Marie]

Kaley, you have an "awesome" wife, children who need your attention, a job, and other adult responsibilities, and an obsession! The trouble with obsessions is that you can't just walk away from them. You need to replace them with a different obsession or indulge yourself to the point where you relax and become comfortable with it and it becomes a pastime. I was able to achieve this silly assed state of Nirvana by having my daughter grow up and move away, getting a divorce, retiring, moving to a different city, and getting over worrying about what my neighbors thought about me. I have more money than most of them anyway! I wish you well sister.

[Kate Simmons]

There is no way to really "beat" this CDing process that can take us over. You can manage it, however. The only way I've found to do that is to get in touch with your deep feelings that drive it, make them your own and then it can become a choice to do or not but it's your choice not the choice of the process. That works for myself.

[Katey888]

Kaley - yes I can relate to the frustrations of shifting feelings towards this drive... sometimes it comes together and feels great and I HAVE to do it... other times I WANT to do it but other things get in the way... and then there are times when I CAN do it and I just have that am I doing? feeling... It is a truly bittersweet relationship some of us have with this condition.

I think Isha and Kate have both hit on the key for me: self-acceptance and management. It sounds like you're obsessing because of the time pressure, and the guilt (I think what you describe is a touch of guilt..) is there because you try to cram in as much as you can at the times you can. Looking forward this isn't likely to change greatly - so you need a strategy to manage it, and a way of finding that full self-acceptance that reduces or eliminates the negative feelings so that this can be properly integrated into your life.

That's the challenge those of us fully or partially closeted with normal lives have with this - getting to that state of harmony and balancing all these conflicting demands - so never say never... There WILL BE a way - you have to work at finding it for you as an individual... and if you have nowhere else to process, then perhaps a support group or counselling may be worthy of consideration...? It would give you another outlet and sounding board...

Katey x

[kaleyg]

Thank you again, everyone, for the thoughts. Here's something I'm pondering that will probably ruffle feathers . . . maybe I'm a dressaholic, and there's no healthy way to incorporate this into my life.

The reasoning I use sometimes goes like this: If there is a desire or part of my personality that I cannot change, then it is futile to try to be happy while suppressing it. It is futile because that desire or part of me will ALWAYS be knocking at the door, wanting in. Ignoring or denying it will just make me miserable. There has to be some non-obsessive way to include that desire or part of my personality in my life on a normal, day-to-day basis. And my loved ones should understand and accept this part of me.

Now, before you say "Amen!", isn't this the same reasoning that some alcoholics use? So, I worry that when I think this way, I am just like the alcoholic in denial. Alcoholism counselors don't suggest "working it in to your life," they suggest complete abstinence from alcohol, because there is no healthy way to "work it in". We all agree that there's nothing "wrong", per se, with alcohol or drinking. But *some* people have to abstain because there is something in them that goes bananas when they drink.

So, is dressaholism possible? Could there be some people who simply shouldn't do it, no matter how strong the desire is?

Just a thought.

So, you might be saying, "but alcoholism is destructive, and dressing isn't -- that's the difference." But the dressing is

[donnalee]

Ask yourself "Are there differences between Alcoholism and Dressing?" One obvious answer is the physical harm you cause yourself. Substance abuse is a medical problem; although once believed so, crossdressing is not.

[kimdl93]

I love when people agree with me, particularly Reine. Her intelligence and perceptiveness are apparent! But seriously, go back and read her observations. The analogy with alcoholism really lies in the shame and hiding. These lose their power when you come out. Another similarity is in the consequences of continuing to hide and lie...both of which can blow up your entire life if you fail to confront the truth.

[Ally 2112]

The problem is im sure there is no 12 step program for cding

[Jorja]

You are going to have to get signed up for DA (Dressers Anonymous) before it gets way out of hand.

[ReineD]

So, is dressaholism possible? Could there be some people who simply shouldn't do it, no matter how strong the desire is?

Shopping compulsions do not have to go hand in hand with the CDing. Some people here appear to have shopping issues, but likely no more than do people who do not crossdress. I think I remember reading a statistic, something like 10% of people use shopping to various degrees as a sort of medication to fill a void, whether they CD or not. Is this what you mean by "dressaholism", that you cannot stop buying dresses? If shopping is an issue, there are resources for this online.

But I think you rather mean that you love wearing dresses because you love how they make you feel, which is feminine or pretty. So it's not really about the dresses, it's about the image and the feel of yourself IN the dresses. The only way to get past that is to somehow get used to wearing them, and take yourself out of the fantasy that builds up in your mind when you do wear them. Place yourself in the real world while wearing them and interact with real people. Do this enough to get over the stage of initial excitement. This will take several years of regular, planned outings, not days, weeks, or months. And stay away from the glitter of (some) TG clubs where there can be lot of mutual ego-stroking that potentially fuels the fantasy even more. Go out in the real world.

So … how can you get used to wearing the dresses when you are hiding? You can't. Hiding means famine, which invariably will be followed by the craving for a feast. You can continue to roller-coaster like you're doing now if you wish, you can stop next week for another three years, and then the cycle may start again. You can even cycle several more times, and in ten years decide to accept that you are who you are. Whether you accept yourself ten years from now or now, is up to you. It is hard work to accept that you are a crossdresser. But don't wait until the heat in the pressure-cooker has built up so much that you will believe the only way you can be happy is by dressing full time.

The next challenge is to share the knowledge that you are a crossdresser with your wife (in order to stop the famine/feast cycles) and this does have the potential to be difficult. But, with lots of communication, many wives are able to come to understand that their husbands are crossdressers even if the wives initially do not like the idea. Some members here have even been surprised at how well their wives took it and I'm guessing much of this has to do with the general health of their marriage and how well a crossdresser has accepted who he is. At any rate, after the telling, at least it is out of the closet and you can begin the process of allowing yourself times to dress at regular, calmer intervals. You are less likely to gorge on the entire cake if you feel that you can have another piece soon.

I say all this based on countless stories that I've read in this forum over the years and I'm using the law of averages. This does NOT mean that everything I have said will fit you to a T (pardon the double pun), you may prove to be an exception. Or, if it is purely sexual for you (a sexual fetish) then this falls into another realm when it gets to the point of affecting your work, your relationship, and your family life, but you can get help for this as well. The importance is for you to quietly consider what I suggest, try to remove any preconceived notions of who you want to be or who you think you should or should not be, and try to be honest with yourself. Is it a fetish? Is it a thirst to be a sexually attractive woman? How much fantasy comes into play? Or do you have a feminine component to your gender identity that has nothing to do with how sexy you are as a woman? The truth does reside inside you and you will know it when you see it. Take a few weeks break from this forum and just think about it if you need to. And then you'll be able to figure out what to do.

So, you might be saying, "but alcoholism is destructive, and dressing isn't -- that's the difference." But the dressing is

It is, as long as you are leading a double life and it is spinning out of control.

[kaleyg]

deleted post