I wonder if it's Decision Time (long post)

[Sometimes Steffi]

Spoiler Alert

This is going to be a very depressing post. If you don’t think you can handle it, please move on for your own sake. For those who know me, don’t contact the suicide prevention line. I’ll be fine. I believe suicide hurts those left behind more than the one who committed suicide, and I would never do that to my family. I’m just trying to decide how to best spend my remaining time.

I've also got an appointment with my therapist this week to hash through these things.

I’m still really in a funk about my wife’s comment last week about my CDing. She asked, “Why didn't you tell me before we got married? I’m not sure what I would have done.”

A few years ago something like this would have had me ready to go off the deep end. But now, I’m confident enough in myself that it doesn't shake me up very much. I know I’m not a bad person, and I’m not doing bad things.

This really cut me to the core. It’s probably the worst thing she ever said to me. It’s as if everything else I've ever done since we started dating (almost 40 years ago) is invalidated (repudiated) by this one thing. I've been a good husband, a good provider and a good father. I've done girl things with my daughter (played with her Barbie’s) and boy things with her (playing T-Ball and taking her to air shows). I've never cheated on my wife, not even a stolen intimate kiss. I've never hit her (or my daughter). I've supported her when she wanted to work, and I've supported her when she didn't want to work. I've been with her “in sickness and in health”.

And it’s all repudiated by this one thing. And it’s just clothes, isn't it? Well, clothes, wigs, forms and makeup...

And she tore me down to the base level. So if this marriage was a sham for her, maybe it was a sham for me also. We’re more like roommates now, not so much husband and wife. She doesn't even sleep in the same bed with me (her choice). Why are we still married? There are three reasons. One is inertia. Our marriage is not so good that I want to stay in it, but not so bad that I want to leave it. Two is money. Both of us would have to lower our standard of living if we lived apart, and I couldn't retire any time soon. (She’s not working now.) Three is medical issues. We’re both having some medical issues, but right now, hers are more severe than mine. I don’t really want to leave her when she really needs me. Also, I've recently been diagnosed with an untreatable disease, which is progressive. It may kill me eventually, it might only disable me, or I might dodge the bullet. Everyone is different. One of her dad’s friends is dying ALONE, and it’s not a quick process. He’s had these medical problems for a couple of years, and maybe still has a year or two to go. It must be terrible to die alone.

All that being said, with limits on my CDing, good time few and far between and being criticized all the time, I may have reached the tipping point.

[Jenniferathome]

.... She asked, “Why didn't you tell me before we got married? I’m not sure what I would have done....

Steffi, NO wife knows what they WOULD HAVE done. Even my very accepting wife can only say "probably would have married me anyway." That comment is not as cutting as you are taking it. All you can work on is the now. If you want to.

[docrobbysherry]

Steffi, your post seems contradictory. You're hurt be what your wife said AND maybe would like to leave her if your "situations" were different? Maybe u need some perspective.

My ex and I stopped having sex after only 7 years. Just before we separated, she said a lot of things many times more cutting than what your's said. I was just as good and faithful a husband and father as it sounds like u were. PLUS, I didn't even begin dressing up seriously until AFTER we split up!

Maybe u should count your blessings? Probably what your therapists tells u------

[Jean 103]

I hear you. I recently separated from my wife. The last couple of years we lived as roommates. I did not think I could support the two of us living separately, but somehow I manage. I was not allowed to have any of the girl stuff at the house. I now have a closet of mostly girl a little guy. Hang in there. Jean

[Katey888]

Dear Steffi, I do feel for you...

There are a lot worse things than staying together for economic and other pragmatic reasons - I can count a fair number of mature relationships amongst acquaintances that survive only because of inertia - although, perhaps if you thought of it as the 'momentum' of all the good things you've done and had (because you've surely had those...) perhaps that perspective won't be quite as bleak?

I'm sorry to hear of your diagnosis - I truly hope that's not as progressive as it might be... I think that and your wife's health are far more important aspects that will influence the outcome - but it doesn't matter what I think, however, give it some time and those aspects may come back to the forefront of your relationship. And keep reminding yourself of all the positive things you have contributed and continue to contribute - this might also seem defensive but I've had to do something similar to this over time: you can build a little protection with every element of good that you've done and every aspect of the good husband and father that you are... these elements are like the little bricks in a 'Breakout' wall (remember that old video game?) - my wife likes to throw little barbs and bombs against this wall, exploding bricks because of things I haven't done or aspects of my personality she doesn't like, so I just keep adding bricks and smiling.
Your wife has thrown a ruddy great bunker buster against that wall - but just keep adding bricks yourself, all the little things over time that reaffirm to you, that you are a good person, despite having this insanely stigmatised condition we all have - and keep smiling. Perhaps you can delicately remind her of some of these building blocks, and hopefully with a little time she'll come to realise that there are more good things than bad about your shared experiences, and that your TG condition is something that can continue to be accommodated 'for the greater good'.

As others have said: Hang in there - Keep Calm & Carry On! There will still be moments of goodness in your life however rubbish a lot of it may seem right now...

Katey x

[Helen_Highwater]

While not knowing about your dressing your wife thought only good things about you and the relationship. As you say, you did all the things that a good and decent husband is expected to do. So perhaps your wife needs to realise that her knowing hasn't changed the person you are. The person you are now is the person she fell in love with all those years ago. I'm not a great fan of always seeking counseling but this does seem to me one occasion when she needs to understand her reaction overlooks all the positives that you've enjoyed and can continue to enjoy together.

Having said all that I'm not going to be hypocritical. I'm in the closet and fairly sure it wouldn't go well if I came out. Conversely having given it some thought, had I done so early on, things could be entirely different.

I hope you can talk it through.

[kimdl93]

You've hung up on that single statement by your wife. It is a hypothetical, not a repudiation. Leave it at that. Instead focus on what you and you're wife are going to do in the present to prepare for the future. You're absolutely correct in recognizing the economic harm of divorce at this stage in life. And with health considerations, it seems you have plenty of very tangible reasons to work things out. But you both may need assistance from an third party, a marriage counselor preferably, so that you can get past bitterness and work towards resolution.

[Dana3]

There are a LOT of fallacies as to why people divorce, couples break up, and stay together. Since my divorce from my first wife 25 years ago, (Cross dressing wasn't a factor) I undertook and in-depth study and analysis as to why people who are married and stay married vs. those that don't?

The determining factor for those that DO stay together? They simply refuse to give up on the other person, the relationship, the marriage, regardless of the individual circumstances peculiarities inherent to any one given relationship.

In regards to women, and marriage, the one seemingly constant variable as to why women leave? Putting any and / or anything first and foremost before her? Be it deer hunting, and obsession with this, that, or the other? Be it whatever, whenever a n individual puts ANYTHING before that of their SO? Look out!

[MsVal]

On the other hand, what's so bad about inertia?

Steffi, you and your wife may be on the verge of your new reality, a new way to think of your relationship, one that is healthier and respects both parties dignity,

It will take some work, there will be some emotional obstacles to overcome, but if you and she can agree on some ground rules for a platonic relationship, you both can continue to care for one-another.

This will involve very significant changes. People are naturally uncomfortable with change, but will commit to them if the reward is sufficient. Stability, financial security, and mutual aid are pretty big rewards.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Annaliese]

Steffi, I read your post, sat back in my chair, I have tears in my eyes, I have one thing for you, A HUG girl

[Nikkilovesdresses]

The tipping point being divorce Steffi?

Give it some more time- this is a huge amount for you both to face at the moment and together, at least in theory, you could both be stronger.

Hugs, Nikki

[Lori Kurtz]

The girls have given you some good advice here, Steffi--especially Katey888's lovely response.

I'd add one little thing. Please remember that you get something out of crossdressing--something really big and important to you. Your wife gets nothing, except for the sad awareness that something that has nothing to do with her is very, very important to you. Clearly, she's struggling, just as you are, but your struggles are pulling you in different directions. Difficult as it may be for you to bring yourself to feeling compassion for her, it might be worth the effort, as you try to decide the best way to handle your complicated situation.

You're going to a therapist. Good move.

Please know that I am one of many wishing you the best.

[Amy Lynn3]

Wow, Steff ! I'm not sure I can add anything worth while, as you have gotten some good advise. I just wish this site had been here years ago.

My one and only thought and it is for your sake, but nothing to do with the marriage, is change. You can't change how she feels, as you are the only one who can change things for yourself.

The down times you have occupy it with something new. For example.....do genealogy from your home. You have a computer and I know one online site that is helpful. Just start with yourself and parents and see what you can uncover about them. I'm thinking also....bring the wife into this, after you get going. Work on her family line and it may help bring the tie that binds you both back together.

If that is not something you like to occupy your spare time with, give me a PM, as I'm sure I can come up with other ideas.

praying for the best for you and your family and hope you have a wonderful Christmas.

[Eringirl]

Hi Steffi:

First: big
Second: very sad to learn of your diagnosis
Third: very sorry that you are experiencing this
Last: Like Annaliese, I too had to sit back after reading this post....wow....there is a lot going on here !!

As for your wife's statement around not knowing what she would have done if she had known....there may be a few things going on here. This may all be still pretty raw emotionally for her and she still has not had time to adjust. So maybe a visceral response. She is swimming in a sea of emotion, trying to keep her own head above water and scared she may not be able to. It may have been a "knee jerk" reaction, said in the heat of the moment and just blurted in out. She may have no idea how much it has hurt you??? Does she know it has cut you to the core? OR she may be trying to make you feel the same level of pain she is??

I agree, counselling here should provide an environment that could assist in working through it.

While time heels all wounds, or so they say, it can seem forever, and there are days when you see a light and the end of the tunnel, and it turns out to be a train. The important thing is to not do anything rash. Keep breathing. Try not to make decisions from a position of weakness. They seldom pan out. Take some time to let things cool a bit, get your "strength" back, so you are making decisions from a more stable and positive space. Don't let the situation control or drive you. Try to control the situation and then make decisions.

I have been trying to do this in my case and so far, it has been beneficial. There are big decisions ahead and I don't want to do anything rash.

Having said all this, this is just my take on it. Take it with whatever size grain of salt you wish.

But don't be a stranger here and don't isolate yourself. That is never a good thing.

Take care o' you girl.

Erin

[Teresa]

Steffi,
If you read my threads in loved ones titled, " Why won't she talk ! " and the follow up I think you'll find many similarities ! I've also been married forty years and have finally broken the ice ! I now realise that this should have happened years ago !

[stacey.eyes]

Steffi, so sorry to hear all of this. It sounds like a big burden to deal with, and I am hoping that it gets better. I am glad you are in counseling, but one thing I wondered was whether your wife has any of the same kind of help, or whether there's any prospect that the two of you could at some point do that together? I had that experience and it helped get through a very tough time. Thinking about you.

[Brynna M]

Rou've read a lot into one short comment your wife said. If she's willing to talk calmly (not still really angry/hurt and reactive) maybe just flat out ask her if that's what she meant. It might not go great but if you're really that hung up on it she deserves to explain how she feels and you deserve to really know. It might (just might) go well and she will see some of your perspective on the issue.

[Maria 60]

I hope you told her the great husband and father speech you just gave us to her. I can't believe she can't see your the same guy, your not cheating on her, or did you gamble all your life saving away, or became a drug addict, there's worse things in life then a man wanting to wear women's clothing. I understand you kept a secret and broke the trust rule. Try to talk to her and find that happy medium. I don't know you or your relationship with your wife before you told her, but I know if you both really love each other it must be worth saving, the easiest thing in life to do is quit. Stay focused, think straight and most of all don't do anything drastic.

[Jenny Gurl]

Maybe give it a little time to blow over,and give you both a bit of time to do some soul searching. I don't know about your particular case, but many CD don't understand themselves or even know there are others like us out there at the time you are talking about, the internet was not even around. In some cases a guy tries CD, then meets a girl that they believe will be the person they spend their life with. At this point the CD subsides, and they enter into the relationship and give it their full attention. After some time goes by, the SO is their focus, and they begin to truly believe the CD was just a phase and will not return now that they are in a relationship that will last until the end of time. In these cases, a person who CD is not lying or hiding anything, they simply don't understand the cross dressing science, and that it is usually a lifetime condition. As time goes by, they don't believe it will return, and consider it an embarrassing thing that would best be forgotten and never mentioned. The true answer to the question as to why many CD do not tell their SO early in the relationship, is the CD doesn't understand it themselves and believe it was a phase. As time goes by, some get the urge to dress many many years later, and the wife asks them why they weren't told at the get go. Answer: I didn't know myself.

Now if a CD knows what we know now, CD on a regular basis, begin a relationship with a person and it looks like it is getting serious and maybe permanent then yes, they should let them know. I don't know exactly how it went for you since you got together with her 4 decades ago, but I'll bet it is the early one. Also many times if the desire returns the CD is so embarrassed that they are too ashamed to share it, and figure it's not hurting anyone and they are not cheating on the SO so it should not matter. Of course we see time and time again when the SO finds out, they feel completely betrayed and hurt and perceive the whole situation as a preplanned deception.

I wish you luck with your situation, and I hope you health situation works out for the best too.

[Alice B]

Have you tought about or tried couples therapy?

[Sometimes Steffi]

I hope you told her the great husband and father speech you just gave us to her. I can't believe she can't see your the same guy, your not cheating on her, or did you gamble all your life saving away, or became a drug addict, there's worse things in life then a man wanting to wear women's clothing.

I don't remember exactly how it came out, but I asked her if there weren't any good things I had done.

and there was silence.

1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi, 4 Mississippi, 5 Mississippi

and still silence.

Then I gave her my good husband and dad speech.

The silence was almost as bad as the "I don't know" part.

[kimdl93]

Stef, the good husband speech is equivalent to dismissing her feelings. She's entitled to feel whatever she feels about her late realization that you are different from what she presumed some 40 years ago. Better you focus on the present than try to score points. Deal with today, not a past that neither of you can change.

And stop apologizing...it's not a crime, perversion or weakness of character. Miss just PART of who you are