There have been many threads especially recently dealing with getting "caught" crossdressing by a SO or some family member or neighbor. The expression getting "caught" implies you are doing something wrong by crossdressing. Do you feel you are doing something "wrong" by CDing? If so, why? If not, why not?
Second star to the right and straight on till morning
There's logic, and there's feelings. Logic might say, "If I were hurting someone, it would be wrong. But I'm not hurting someone, so it's not wrong." But feelings of guilt can remain. Especially when those feelings, for some of us, go way back into our childhoods. Of course, if dishonesty in a relationship is involved, the guilt is well-founded. But in a DADT relationship where the SO knows that the crossdressing exists but just doesn't want to see or hear any details, or in a single person's life, there's no reason to feel one is doing anything "wrong." Nevertheless, I ALWAYS had some element of guilt in my feelings about my crossdressing, even as a single person.
It’s the perception and sometimes reality that the people close to us will not approve. And having a label tied to you or worst rejection, after being caught, how they see you is changed. It would be different everyone did it, but then I guess it wouldn’t be cross dressing. Is this stating the obvious or just my reality?
Getting caught doesn't necessarily imply wrongdoing any more than getting caught in a game.
But even if it was implied, it's not only about what I think (I don't think I'm doing anything wrong) but what about the person doing the catching?
I think its pretty obvious......if your in the closet, nobody wants to let out that secret, and disrupt life....I get it.....I'm half in the closet too at home. I dont feel guilty about CDing...but would rather not disturb the flow around the house (especially while the rent is free and the packages from DSW Shoes keep showing up ) ..I am on thin ice as it is...... On a weird note....some people get a rush out of getting caught....
Last edited by Adriana Moretti; 12-15-2014 at 09:30 AM. Reason: rent
I think of getting 'caught' as in being trapped. Does this mean I'm trapped in my closet? Thought provoking Kate...
"You're the only one to see the changes you take yourself through", Stevie Wonder
One can be "caught" when one is hiding something. Is it wrong? We certainly don't hide this part of ourselves because we are proud. We hide from fear. Fear of the unknown, embarrassment, public reactions, family reactions, etc.
Society in general does not accept CD as normal behavior. Some people, myself included, have feelings of shame that doesn't fit into 'society" so we hide our who we are and keep it locked up. Getting caught can damage careers, hurt families, and destroy friendships. The biggest problem with society is not accepting people for who they are and labeling (degrading) others who are different then themselves. Shame we can't just get alone, and not judge others.
I no longer feel guilt or shame about being who I am. So, for example, I have no issues with SAs in stores, male or female, knowing that I'm shopping for myself. But because I live in a small community, and my life (and my wife's) would be so seriously disrupted, I obviously fear being outed or caught by a local...
Good point. I remember reading posts on a different site in which members would talk about going out of the house to fetch the paper or mail and doing so in revealing clothing. Even though they described a fear of being caught, they kept on doing it and I wondered it they were getting a "rush" from their behaviour. This is an interesting topic in itself.Originally Posted by Adriana Moretti
Last edited by CONSUELO; 12-15-2014 at 11:48 AM. Reason: spelling
I am completely convinced that a large number of crossdressers subconsciously - or consciously WANT to be caught. What better way to assuage the guilt? I did not do anything, I was just found out!
If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got!
I do not think I am doing anything wrong by crossdressing, but the general public (society) does. That's why I try to avoid "getting caught".
Getting caught crossdressing can have serious consequences on marriages, family relationships, friendships and careers. I think that's why most of us conceal our crossdressing from others.
Probably a better term would be "discovered." Yes, this forum frequently has threads using the terms suggesting cross dressing is wrong: "caught," "busted." I think many posters have just adopted the term when reporting a potential encounter with a person. I am an in-home cross dresser with a non-accepting spouse. In a DADT relationship I definitely choose to not be "discovered" in female attire because it will upset my wife and rekindle a discussion we had a long time ago. I really do not expect her to say "Honey, you look terrific all dolled up!"
I think most using the phrase "caught" are really using it in the context they do not want to have an adversarial discussion with anyone. Several years ago I overheard the next door family discussing seeing me en femme. I guess I was "discovered" en femme in my back yard. My privacy had been violated. I suppose they passed this information on to other neighbors, who really did not care.
I do not feel I am doing anything wrong. I know what I do is not something my wife understands or approves of. I know certain acquaintances would not be tolerant. I do not live in a vacuum. I have a wife who would have to deal with me being "discovered," "busted" or "caught" by others.
The usage of being "caught" may be appropriate when a cross dresser has established negotiated boundaries with his wife. If I had promised my wife that I would not venture out en femme and then she finds out I went strolling around town in wig, makeup,dress and heels I'd say I was "caught" breaking a promise.
Maybe the posters should use the term "discovered" or "observed" en femme rather than "caught" when appropriate
I don't believe we are doing anything wrong. With that said, I do fear being caught or discovered.i think for the same reason as most here have expressed, the reaction of family or friends and the potential situation they would be in. Society does not view crossdressers or transgender people as normal. The stigma is still attached, maybe someday I will come out to everyone and I may feel differently.
I think I went through the classical stages of thrill, fear, shame, guilt, disgust, purge, ... and restart. I suspect most CDers and trans people go through at least a couple of cycles of that. During those bad times, I would have been mortified to have been "caught".
Now I don't care. I'm transitioning, fully accepting of who I am, and out to some friends and all of my family. Still not out at work, but that will come.
Kate - perhaps it's been so long that you've had utter harmony in your life you've forgotten the plight of us poor closeted folk...
Is CDing wrong in and of itself? No.
Does most of society think it's weird and perverse? Probably...
To get 'caught' exposes this intimate aspect of our persona to others interpretation... We must be fetishists; sexual perverts; gay; wanting to be women... How many muggles will respond unprompted to the revelation someone they knows CDs with the answer: "Oh - you must be transgender then..." Doesn't happen...
So while many may be tolerant and understanding afterwards, the hiding, the furtive outings and the secret stash all allow us to be caught - discovered...
It's not wrong for us because it's part of us - It appears wrong to others because they don't have it as part of themselves!
Katey x
"Put some lipstick on - Perfume your neck and slip your high heels on
Rinse and curl your hair - Loosen your hips, and get a dress to wear" Stefani Germanotta
When I went for therapy years ago, it wasn't so much for myself as I didn't have a problem with CDing. It was normal for me. The reason I went to therapy was to try and figure out how to deal with friends and family who had a problem with it. I wasn't afraid of being "caught" they were afraid I would be and therefore the reflection on them.
Second star to the right and straight on till morning
I actually told my wife before I got caught. Thinking back though, I did look forward to the day I did get caught. She has been so very supportive but our sex life has taken a turn for the worse.
Doing something wrong? NO!! it took me almost 60 years to come to accept myself and my dressing as being part of me, I don't fear for myself but for my family, I can take the ridicule because frankly I just don't care anymore. I go out as myself dressed as I feel, from one end to the other and all points in between. When others pay my way than they can dictate my lifestyle. I have to end this reply my blood is starting to boil thinking about those that say I'm doing something wrong for what ever reason.
When I started it was illegal and meant JAIL time or the very least arrest. I think most of us have a desire to avoid disapproval which is still common among the general population. Even though I wear bras and blouses I sometimes feel uncomfortable whit men looking at my boobs.
Good point. If there's nothing wrong with CDing, one shouldn't have to hide. Now, that does not mean ones fear of being caught means that CDing must be wrong. On the other hand there are still people I choose not to share this part of my life with and I suppose would feel caught if we bumped into each other on the street.
Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.
Eleanor Roosevelt
It is not so much that you are "caught" crossdressing, but that you are caught in the act of a deception. Otherwise you would be "out" and nobody is being deceived.
I am sure that for some of us, there is an adrenalin rush associated with the risk of getting caught.
Rachel,
As a crossdresser my personality has several facets. Therefore, I suppose I can be forgiven for being facetious.
We get caught violating a cultural taboo. The penalty is society goes ballistic on our a$$ and then goes into chaos and self-destructs.
Like the androids on Star Trek whose computer brains short-circuited in the face of illogic. See, that shows the value of illogic, as a weapon for self-defense against higher intelligence.
Last edited by LelaK; 12-16-2014 at 02:45 PM.
T-shirt says: "Hi, I Crossdress!"
My wife just came home at an unexpected time. I was (am) wearing a dress and tights. She knows of my crossdressing but doesn't approve. So, I was "caught". It was a bit uncomfortable, but not horrible. She has seen me in a dress before. Our usual rule is that she texts me before coming home. This time she didn't. It is interesting that she didn't warn me. . .
I agree with Lela and Rachel: it is more of the "semantic games" that the public/society unwittingly engage in. If our behavior violates hundreds of years of social norms, so too will the "penalty" be draconic.
For myself, I practice increasing my awareness of what is an old, archaic "message", infiltrating my cognitive state...and what is more grounding and real.
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