Co-worker was nervous

[Joan.Meredith]

I think I made one of my co-workers a bit uncomfortable a bit ago. I picked a shirt out today that is a bit tight, so I have to wear it open to feel comfy. So I found the cami that I bought and put it under the shirt, I forgot about how much skin it shows. I walked up to him and he asked me about my shirt "trying to get comfy?" I told him it was a bit tight so I had to go with the "tank" and shirt combo. He then asked if I had my sweater in my office, ok point taken. So now I've got my cami on with my sweater over it, I'm surprised at how comfortable it is this way. Yet the sweater is ultra-male, so he'll be ok the next time I go out on the shop floor.

I know that I'm a people pleaser, but this is starting to really mess with me right now.

Joan

P.S. I just went into the MEN's bathroom to clean up for lunch and took a look in the mirror and gasped. My Cami straps and the top of the scoop clearly show through the sweater. Well I've been wearing it this way for the last couple of hours so it's done for now. No one has said anything.

[Katey888]

Joan - I think you've just flouted either a written or unwritten dress code for where you work... I'm pretty sure anyone dressing how you describe would be thought of as a little odd, or at least people would think you got dressed in a hurry and grabbed the SOs top in the dark...

Unless there's anything else to give folk a clue that you might be pushing the masculine-feminine boundary in your dress or behaviour, folk are just probably a little confused and, well... maybe nervous would be a natural reaction if someone they know begins dressing and behaving differently. They'll probably be less nervous when you've been doing it a while, but I'd be prepared for possibly some questions and more nervousness before that stage...

Would it be insensitive to ask: what do you expect the outcome to be of you doing this?

Katey x

[kimdl93]

I hope you work in an open minded and progressive work place. Just in case, you may want to check the company's HR policies relating to dress code and gender. Better safe, and employed, than sorry.

[Joni T]

, or at least people would think you got dressed in a hurry and grabbed the SOs top in the dark... Katey x

I SERIOUSLY doubt that one would fly. Wishful thinking.
Jon

[Joan.Meredith]

Well, to answer the open work place. It seems that way, I have to admit that I've been here about 6 months. So I'm still learning the rope when it comes to how people feel about things around here. I have to admit that it was the most "skin" I've shown here. As far as dress code, what is put on the company intranet is that it's business causal. So a pair of jeans, safety shoes, cami top, open button down short sleeve shirt should be ok. The guy that I was talking to is in his late 50's.

Kim, I'll see if I can ask in a more formal manner about the gender end of it.

Katey, I just want to be comfortable in my own skin. Lord knows that right now it's not happening.

As for the cami it wasn't anything over the top, I believe that I had the front edge of the cami at a respectful height too. About half way between my collar bones and the end of my chest, so it wasn't like it was cleavage central more like no-man's land with some really really short hair poking up near the top of the cami. (my wife flips if i shave my chest so short is about all I can get away with) I've found a pic of the cami to prove that it is tame.

A bit about my work, there is milling machines, welders, over head cranes, laser cutters, paint shop, assembly. That is the general work environment that I'm in.

Joan

[Joni T]

I'm just saying that guys don't wear shirts with spaghetti straps.
Jon

[Joan.Meredith]

yeah, I know.

Joan

[Katey888]

Hi Joan - thanks for adding to your motivation for this... I can understand this too, although I don't need to follow this path myself, but we do have some members here who have pushed the envelope of dressing feminine while presenting male (which is what I would interpret you as doing). You'll get a lot of very vocal and moral support from Madame Moose ( mechamoose ) who has posted some interesting perspectives on this and is US-based, also Klaire Larnia who posted this very interesting thread about modifying her dress code very subtly although she is office-based here in the UK... (here: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...the-next-steps)

I feel for you in needing to do this, but I do think you should be considering how you take this forward both for your benefit, but also doing so respectfully towards your (relatively new) employer. Organisations tend not to respond well to folk just taking the bull by the horns and hoping for forgiveness after, rather than seeking permission before... I would hope you can see the benefit of both thinking about a strategy for what you want to achieve in how you dress, with whether it was at all possible your workplace would also be comfortable with that. I believe that the state you work in does have protection (you'd need to check that locally) for transgendered folk, but probably not if it were perceived you just wanted to 'dress fancy' and it didn't appear to be a real expression related to being TG.

I really believe you should have a think and consider how you progress with this very carefully - it's all too easy for folk to get the wrong idea about something if the message isn't explicitly stated.

Thanks for sharing your feelings and thoughts...

Katey x

[JayeLefaye]

Hi Joan,

And through our PM's I know you'll understand my take on this:

Under dressing 101: You are the only one who should know that you're doing it.

Jaye

P.S...You looked in the mirror and "gasped". That's where "don't forget to laugh" comes in handy:-)

[Kate T]

Sorry I'm a little confused Joan
You say Business casual but you describe a workshop floor with laser cutters, welders and overhead cranes. That would usually require a fairly strict uniform based on OH&S requirements??

[Joan.Meredith]

The company policy says business casual. Yet as you pointed out OH&S says other wise. So it's safety shoes & glasses, jeans, no free flowing hair or shirts, I have to even be careful with my watch that I wear. If I know I'm going to be near a machine that could ripe it off, I take it off. Most days I wear my wedding ring on my necklace, and that is kept close to my skin.

So I'm a engineer, where I'm only on the floor for short periods of time. Most of the time I'm in the shop office, or over in engineering giving them grief over a design. That is where the business casual is more prevalent, not so much in the shop. That being said I'm in a unusual spot, I move between both area's. I try my best to dress for the best of both worlds, but it is hard to dress that flexible. So my outfit may shift one way or the other depending on where I'm at. Like shirt open necklace/cami showing and lose (office), shirt closed necklace under shirt (shop). I try to think this way everyday when putting my outfit together, it's a bit of a stressor but I think it's worth it.

I hope this helps, and sorry if I got long winded. It's all about the details right.

Joan

P.S. today's outfit (shirt open) I know it's not very flattering but I'm at my desk taking this picture.

[Paula Siemen]

You could just reply that its a new style of "wife beater" t-shirt.