You find out your 25 years old son is a crossdresser.

[Katie Russell]

Hi

I think that this is mainly directed at GGs as CDs maybe slightly biased.

Imagine you come home and find your 25 year old son fully dressed, make up, wig, forms etc. He breakdown in tears and tell you that he's been dressing since he was 6 or 7, firstly in his sister clothes and then only later has he been able to afford to buy his own stuff which he's kept hidden away. He's kept it secret from you because he was embarrassed and didn't want to upset you. He wasn't sure how you'd react and now you know he's worried that you will think less of him.

How do you react?

Do you tell him it's OK and you'll love him whatever? Do you offer to support him, give him help and advice, always be there for him? Or do you tell him that you want nothing to do with it and that he shouldn't mention it again?

I guess that already having a CD in your life you are answering from a position of knowledge but if you put yourself in the position of a mother who has no knowledge how do you react?

It wold be interesting to know how parents of Cd did react when they found out you CD.

Katie

[bridget thronton]

Not a GG, but I am a parent. I would accept any behavior from my child that was not harming others.

[Krististeph]

Not a parent or a GG. But how do you react? Naturally. But you also hold the immediate reactions somewhat at bay. This is a big thing. You need time to process, and understand.

I have supported many people, not CDs, but with other problems or issues. The first thing- listen more than talk, reassure the person the world has not ended (perhaps not this phrase, yet, if a loved one is lost). A huge change just suddenly happened, but essentially, nothing has really changed at all. You and your son, and the rest of your family are just as you were before. Your horizons (thought they make seem a little askew at the moment) have just broadened, that is all.

My folks never found out, not from me. They were of a different time. If they suspected, they accepted as something I did, and they did not understand. Fairly evolved for their time. But other older family members, (who suspected) either it was a bit of a non-event or it was essentially ignored as not for wanting to talk about. Fine with me, but they also know not to disparage me for same in any way, I defend myself the same way i'd defend any of them for anything.

So- acknowledge, be supportive as a parent, but don't be afraid to say you need some time to understand it too. My personal suggestion is to refrain from anything stated or commented on in a negative manner, until you've had time to think and talk. After that, then you might bring up your concerns for your son's safety and well being, if you have them. IMO- skip this for at least 2-3 weeks, or 5 or 6 discussions.

k

[ReineD]

I would tell him it was OK and also direct him to this forum, in the spirit of meeting folks who are able to navigate the CDing successfully in their marriages/relationships.

I have tons of reading material on the matter and I would ask if he was interested in reading that as well. I would explain to my son why I know so much (with my SO's permission), and encourage my son to talk to me freely about it.

I doubt that he'd like his mother's advice on makeup or clothing, but if he asked I would give him pointers on how to present as realistically as possible.

If he wanted help with frilly dresses and sissy maid's outfits, I would explain the difference between having gender identity issues and fetish, and advise him to go online and find suitable resources for that. I couldn't possibly help my son engage in fetish dressing.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I take it the question is rhetorical Katie?

And how can anybody put themselves in the position of a mother who has no prior knowledge- it depends entirely on that individual's character. All I can do is speak for myself- I think I'd be happy they were even talking to me, and the only way I'd object to anything they wanted to do would be if it affected others (including myself) negatively.

I doubt that the type of person who would answer "you want nothing to do with it and that he shouldn't mention it again" would be reading this forum in the first place.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

If I were coming from a place of zero knowledge (basically where I was when my H told me!) then i imagine I'd be very shocked. I love my son like no other and I'd be sure to let him know this, but I also think I'd ask what on earth he was doing and why. I would think the initial thoughts are the same as for wives - is he gay; is he gender confused; is he psychologically unwell.

I would likely need time to process the shock and then I would hope I'd sit down with my son and gently ask why he was dressing as he was. From there, the path would be far less difficult as it has been as a wife as there's just something unbreakable in the mother/child bond and crossdressing wouldn't change a thing. There's no spousal male image and attraction being damaged etc either. I do think I'd be initially shocked though, so here's hoping any parents who find themselves in this position also find their way to this forum.

I'm off to check my son's bedroom, lol.

[Rachelakld]

My mum said "okay and I don't mind washing your clothes but please don't let your dad know"
She was so sweet, always folding my boy and girl smalls after each wash, I miss her.

[emma-louise]

Tell him its ok and support him, better that then driving him away and not seeing him. it only clothes after all

[Lacey New]

Katie,
As a closeted CD who works and succeeds in a "man's world", I can definitely understand your concern. Whether we like it or not, there is still a societal bias against us and as a result, you son will have some hard choices to make. I doubt if his desire to crossdress will ever go away. Mine has not over the course of many years. However, it is one thing to be a very private CD and hopefully one with the support of a trusted person - Mom perhaps - versus being known as a crossdresser. If he were to become public, he may be tolerated but not necessarily welcomed and his opportunities may very well be limited. Not all employers have a Tim Cook at the helm. I'm sure this is a lot of common sense - nothing new to you but it may help him decide to stay in the closet for a while until he figures out just where he wants to be.

[lynda]

a cd myself if I came home and found my son dressed, I would tell its ok, and that I love him no matter .how he dresses. the I would walk into my bedroom and cry for passing this gene to him.hugs lynda

[GeauxStacy]

I am thinking how my mom would react and it would probably be initial shock at first, but she would want to talk to me and hear what I was feeling. She is old school and would probably be supportive as this activity is not hurting anyone, but she would probably say she did not want to see it. In other words she would love me and support what makes me happy, but would not go shopping with me fully dressed.

[Stevann]

I am a CD. A few weeks ago my 25 year old son called from graduate school telling us he was transgender, and is trying to figure out where he fits in the spectrum - said he might even be a transsexual woman. It was a shock, but I'm coping better than my wife (we have a DADT relationship). We told him that we love him. He has requested a clothes shopping trip for his Christmas present when he comes home late December. (We all know how expensive it is to start dressing.) We will give him that trip, and will support him in whatever way he needs.

[NicoleScott]

... I'd sit down with my son and gently ask why he was dressing as he was.

I hope you are prepared for "I don't know" answers. I still don't know, not really, and I've had a l-o-n-g time to seek those answers. Still curious, but still don't know, not really.
I was caught playing with lipstick as a child and punished by my dad - he spanked me while verbally humiliating me - and never asked WHY I did it. Of course, my answer would have been "I don't know".
But if you could get some kind of answer you would be better able to advise/assist/guide etc. Dressing to satisfy a strong internal feminine identity is a completely different animal than dressing for sexual excitement. I don't know if I could have confided to my mother that I found crossdressing sexually exciting. We're pretty good at building walls.

[Beverley Sims]

am naturally biased but there are mothers who wanted a daughter and will do anything to substitute their son for it.
Other than that there is the normal reaction that moves with the time, gay, transgender or any thing in between.
An understanding parent is always an advantage.

[Amy Lynn3]

Stevann, my comments fit your situation, as well as the question Katie ask. Love and respect the son, no matter what. At times people have problems with two different standards....one for people we don't know and one for children, however the issue is the same. My answer is...we love the child no matter what they do, even murder for example. We may not approve of what they do, but we could never deny they are our children, so just love and respect them as any other child.

At this point a child does not need a parent to turn their back on them, as they have enough to deal with. The child just needs to know we love them and respect them. Children need love, no matter how old they are, or do. We as parents need to provide a home base/safe haven for our children to run to, even if the entire world is against them. The love of a parent, for a child should never know any bounds, restrictions or conditions. In turn the child should love and respect the parents.

[Lynn Marie]

From what I've seen on this forum is that parents are accepting of surprises from their children whereas wives most often feel deceived, cheated on, and hateful.

[Tracii G]

ReineD's reaction is what I would do.

[Stephanie47]

My parents would not have been accepting of surprises. My parents did not walk in on me dressed in my mother's attire. I strongly suspected they knew. How can a woman explain a broken bra strap on her one and only black bra? Or, how could she not see her lingerie draw was out of place? Once the security chain on the apartment door saved me as it gave me time to take off her dress and stash it in the laundry. My father was trying to break the door down, but, the chain held. Thinking back I'm pretty sure they plotted to "find" me. My lame excuse of using the toilet held up to scrutiny. My parents thought normal teenage masturbation was immoral and would destine me to hell. I guess between masturbation and wearing women's clothing I'm headed to a warm climate in my sundress!

I remember how I escape all the parental crap a parent can shovel. I volunteered for the draft and ended up in the infantry. I was wounded and those disabilities, physical and mental will always plague me. What parents may do will have an effect on their children.

I have always been supportive, spiritually and financially, of my son and daughter. I have made suggestions, but, have let them choose. When they failed I picked them up. In the end those kids are my legacy.

So, if my son or daughter had come to me and disclosed they were gay or lesbian or transgendered or just liked to wear women's clothing, I'd accept them. I'd also counsel them as best I could about navigating the perils society has placed on these wonderful people.

How my parents reacted to sexual minorities had a profound impact on my life that took decades to unravel.

From what I've seen on this forum is that parents are accepting of surprises from their children whereas wives most often feel deceived, cheated on, and hateful.

[Joan_CD]

I would say the same thing I said to my cousin when he told me his son was gay. I held my arm next to his and said the same blood flows through both our bodies... and through his... and I will always love and support him.

[MsVal]

Our daughter wanted to meet with her mom and me privately. When we arrived we could tell she was quite anxious. After the usual small talk she said "I'm gay." We replied "That's fine, but what did you want to talk with us about?"

Parents often know a LOT more about their children than their children are aware.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Dianne S]

I would offer my son love and support. As a parent, I cannot imagine doing anything other than supporting my kids unless they did something that hurt others.

[justmetoo]

I don't know. I can only tell you how my mother reacted when I came out to her (in my 50s). Unequivocal love and acceptance. She's been around and has some experience and knowledge of a variety of life-styles and gender and sexuality. And she knows me.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Dressing to satisfy a strong internal feminine identity is a completely different animal than dressing for sexual excitement. I don't know if I could have confided to my mother that I found crossdressing sexually exciting.

I completely agree its different. My H is a sexual dresser so not only is it a very private act that follows the hormonal tide, it's also not about blending in and acceptance as a female, but standing out and dressing as sexily as possible. If my H went out in his chosen outfits, he would stand out like a christmas bauble! And really, that would be the point and the thrill. It's really not a very feminine thing to do, lol.

And his mother actually knows, including that it's a sexual 'kink'. She wasn't surprised at this part to be honest and would have been more shocked if he'd said it was a gender thing as she told us that he never showed even the smallest signs of femininity or confusion as a child and he still doesn't. That's because he hasn't any. And my mother in law reacted amazingly to the news, but then didn't want to mention it again. Given it's a sexual thing, we're glad for that as family don't usually discuss these things..eeeewww.

[Leslie Langford]

This is a rather odd question to be asking the members of this forum, as the answer is pretty much a foregone conclusion (sort of along the lines of "Who is buried in Napoleon's tomb?"), and the results will obviously be statistically badly skewed. And as you can see from some of the previous posts, that is exactly what has happened.

To begin with, you posit as one possible option: "... or do you tell him that you want nothing to do with it and that he shouldn't mention it again?". Seriously? For a CDing father, that would be the height of hypocrisy, or an act of extreme cowardice not unlike the closeted homosexual who joins other 'haters" in gay-bashing as a way to cover up his own sexual orientation and not have them turn on him as well.

Secondly, it has been my observation that most of the GG's who participate in this forum do so because they are either confused or conflicted by this whole thing and are seeking answers as to why their husbands or SO's participate in such a "deviant" activity. Then there are those who are willing to accommodate their partners in accepting this behavior to one degree or another because they sincerely love them, and are seeking the necessary tools and guidance to help them overcome their innate revulsion towards it. Frankly, I'd be willing to guess that you could count on the thumbs of one hand the number of GG's here who are genuinely intrigued, supportive - and indeed, enthusiastic and encouraging - of their partners' crossdressing.

So again, while a mother may "accept" that their son is a crossdresser once the big reveal is made (after all, mothers typically love and support their offspring, even if they are serial axe-murderers), if they are honest about it, they would likely admit that they are about as thrilled over hearing this news as finding out that their son has leprosy, defrauded them of their life savings, married a Kardashian, or the like...

[Lady Catherine]

My mom told me I was her son and she loved me. If I wanted to be her daughter, that was just fine with her. Peace.