Self-acceptance?

[AnnabelleBethanie]

I'm sure that I'm not the only one that struggles with this? But I have times that I am able to accept this side of me while at other times I just cannot bring myself to accept this.

As an introvert I find it quite hard to be open and forthcoming with people, regardless of whether or not it is on a forum like this or in person. Which means that for me it becomes harder to talk about these things and as such it becomes really hard to actually find self-acceptance.

I read a lot more here than I post so I know the community here is great, but how does one like myself who finds it harder to connect with others come to the place where they can have self-acceptance? I struggle to find self-acceptance because I struggle to find others who I can talk to; I'm not one for posting publically that often!

How do you make the journey to self-acceptance?

When you feel like you are all alone in something, how do you accept it when you feel like you have no one to talk to?

Annabelle-Bethanie

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Annabelle, At your young age I suspect that you are still trying to find yourself.
You need to just try to open up and try, there are thousands of friends on this forum
that cam help you come out of your shell.

[kimdl93]

Self acceptance as you observed, is a journey. And how long it takes, and the path you follow depend on where you started and where you been up till this point.

I'm sure you've read about some of us, myself included, who exhausted decades in efforts to hide, deny or somehow change ourselves. We weren't striving for self acceptance, we were seeking an escape from the sense of shame and self loathing that we kindled in ourselves for feeling different from those around us. Notice I didn't blame, this time, family, friends or society. Certainly, those things influenced how each of us felt about transgenderism, but more than anything we very secretly assessed ourselves and found ourselves wanting.

In your favor, you've realized self acceptance needs to be a priority long before many of us could. You may be feeling that you can attain self acceptance by being accepted by others. I think its probably the other way around. Once you come to terms with who you are and love yourself as the unique person you are, then its easier to reach out to others. You won't feel that your self worth depends on the opinions of others. That's not to say you'll be indifferent to others, but you'll realize that you can get on with life, make friends and find fulfillment in work and relationships because you believe in your worth as a person.

The other thing that I'd suggest is a process. Try first to break out of the introvert mold. Get involved doing things with other people your age. Force yourself to be accessible and sooner or later you will find you're enjoying the company. And as you grow more comfortable and confident with people in general, you may find people you can speak with in real life.

[Katey888]

Annabelle - many of us were probably also very introverted at your age... I know I was terribly shy, and this part of me was something that was always going to be buried very much deeper - until later, it seems... so I can completely empathise...

I think it depends whether you feel that this aspect of you should be 'out'. I know I faced a hard enough time just doing regular stuff without the additional burden of trying to explain this to friends and relatives... If you felt the same I'd say there's no problem with that - keeping it under the radar for a while to allow your 'normal' life to grow wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing. Finding someone to talk to would be beneficial, though. If you could find a counsellor to help confidentially that might be an outlet. Or a support group, but that might be a tougher step to face...

There's no better advice than in Kim's post here whether or not you do that with this part of you or decide to keep it private for longer... but it's always good to talk - here, if nowhere else...

Katey x

[AnnabelleBethanie]

I think for me personally, a major part of what I do I tend to go through with other people... I tend to do it alongside others - even if it is just their support. This is something I find this harder to do owing to the fact I don't have any intention of outing myself at the moment so it becomes a lot harder to actually journey alongside someone else with crossdressing; either knowledge or self-acceptance.

Since without outing myself I don't feel like I have someone that I've been able to speak to about it to journey with regarding this it becomes more difficult for myself.

Annabelle-Bethanie

[justmetoo]

Don't confuse introversion with shyness. Of course, it's possible to be both. I am. But it's also possible to be one but not the other (or neither).

Anyway, good luck on your journey to self-acceptance! I don't know if anyone can guide you there. I tend to think it's one of those things where we each have to find our own way. On the other hand, maybe some of those that have been there ahead of us can give a pointer or 2 along the way.

[Michaelasfun]

I'm married, and my wife prefers me to present as male; I'd love to go out with her dressed, but have faced the fact that it is probably never going to happen. That being said..I don't let that affect how happy crossdressing makes me in all its aspects from shaving my legs, to wearing perfume, to feeling the way dresses or nylons caress my legs, to the feel of the sun on my face when I go out on my own modest adventures alone. I've learned not to depend on other people to make me happy, it has to come from within yourself in my opinion..

[Kate Simmons]

It starts by accepting all of our feelings and taking ownership of them and taking total responsibility for all of our actions. Then proceed from there.

[Isabella Ross]

Force yourself to reach out, girl. There are plenty of people here on this forum who would engage with you and help you work through some of your struggles. Better yet, find some sisters locally and spread your wings a little. Tough for an introvert, but you know what's limiting you...

[CynthiaD]

Michaelasfun has it exactly right. You don't really need to talk to anyone so much. What you need is an attitude adjustment. Your crossdressing doesn't make you sub-standard. It makes you special! Putting on a dress doesn't make you weak, it makes you strong. When you dress up, look in the mirror and be proud of what you see. Remember that you're experiencing something that not everyone gets to experience. You're one of the lucky ones. You're not cursed, you're blessed. If you find yourself slipping into negative thoughts, stop yourself. Look the negative feelings in the eye, and say "that's not the truth!" Then stand up straight and tall, and be proud of who you are.

[Sometimes Steffi]

It's kind of strange. I'm an introvert; Steffi is an extrovert.

I can't really dance, so I'm very self conscious that everyone is watching me when I dance. Steffi can't really dance either, especially for a girl, but she unabashedly dances anyhow. I don't understand why she's not embarrassed!

I guess what i'm saying is that maybe you can re-invent yourself.

[Marcelle]

Hi Annabella,

My journey to self-acceptance was the result of a lot of introspection. When Isha first came crashing into my life just over a year ago, I had an inkling of my TG tendencies and with the exception of dressing complete 32 years ago, I never acted on them until things became too emotionally challenging to not admit I was TG. I had the similar first thoughts "self-loathing, embarrassment, guilt" and so on. I worked with a therapist to come to terms with these new feelings, desires, wants or whatever you want to call them and her advice is that acceptance starts with "self-acceptance". I had to dig deep to understand this and eventually own it. For me (I stress . . . for me) it was about not supressing anymore as I had done that for 32 years. It was about being who I needed to be, not caring what the world around me thought and owning who I am. As such, I took the active decision to go mainstream (Vanilla World) as soon as I felt I could and once that was achieved it was about letting those close to me know (friends, family) and finally my work colleagues. I am completely out now in the sense I dress when I feel I need to and even when I am not dressed "en femme" I don't hide the fact I am TG should someone ask. It has taken about seven months but I have accepted I am "me" regardless of how I am dressed.

Hugs

Isha

[Teresa]

Annabelle,
At twenty so much has still to happen in your life try not to be too introvert but let life happen, I know you feel everyone knows better we all have our abilities to make your mark on the World maybe you haven't found yours yet !
You don't say how much Cding affects your life, at your age I didn't see it as too much of a problem, I guess it spiced things up some !

I have a saying that your twenties should last for twenty years, the first ten you just go for it and live it! the second ten you may find a partner and think about the future !

[PaulaQ]

If you want to accept yourself, you have to really look at, and come to terms with who you really are. This isn't an easy thing to do - oh not at all. An awful lot of us lie to ourselves about who we are - I certainly did. For that matter, I lied to everyone around me.

I've learned a great deal about myself. Some of it has been hard to accept. By far the most difficult thing was coming to terms with the fact that I'm a woman - that I never was a man. But there have been other things that haven't been easy to accept.

The things that helped me were:
1. Realizing that I had to look at myself with rigorous honesty,
2. That I had to follow up on what I learned regardless of the cost.
3. That I'd talk to others - support groups, other trans*, therapists - anyone who could call me on it when I wasn't being honest.

I hope your self discoveries are a lot less tumultuous than mine have been, but it may well take you a while to work through all of this.

You can do it though. There isn't one thing wrong with you honey - nothing you can't change, anyway.

[Samantha_Smile]

Hi there.

Self acceptance is a bitch. One day you can be totally content with who you are, then next you hate every aspect about you.
And that's before CDing is even contemplated. LOL

No but seriously, some stuff that helped me work it out;

-Research. Do this FIRST. Read EVERYTHING worth even the slightest amount of credibility. Vern Coleman being a good start. Read blogs, forums, chat with others online, academic papers, psychology publications, anything you can do to arm yourself with knowledge about the TG spectrum. The more I knew, the better I felt.

-Self acceptance requires honesty with yourself.
Don't try to convince your self that you're a CD if you have full blown body dysmorphia and are in fact TS (or vice versa). KNOW who you are and where you fit on the spectrum, the above research will help you to figure this out.

-Communicate with others about it. Doesn't matter if it's someone online or IRL, whether they're family/friend or a stranger from Kentucky. Hearing other peoples take on your situation is bound to help you process it.

Good luck, were all rooting for ya

Samantha xx

[Katie Russell]

Hi

I agree with Samantha. Arm yourself with as much knowledge as possible. Some of it will ring true to you. I didn't really start my journey of discovery until I was 'discovered'. That led me to this site and it has helped me no ends in finding out that I'm not alone. Ask questions and look for answers here it really helped me to come to terms with who I am.

Katie

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I think self-acceptance is linked to trust. Your caution in being open and forthcoming with people may have its roots in infant experiences. Were you in any sense abandoned when you were a child? Abandonment, abuse- things like that make a small person defensive, fearful, mistrustful.

Have you ever tried that exercise in trust and team-building, allowing yourself to fall backwards into another's arms? For some people it can be a revelation- it certainly brings up feelings in many people.

You certainly have found a place here where you are free to talk to other crossdressers in anonymity, and as long as you keep to the guidelines, there is almost nothing you can't say or ask in one section or another. Try the Lounge page- you can talk about rearing ducks, or ask how to remove ink stains from satin - anything you like, without it being about emotions, feelings, crossdressing or anything heavy. Get some practice there if that appeals to you- I think this site is great in so many ways.

You may be slightly interested to know that I am originally from Hertfordshire, and I find parties unbearably stressful.

As for making the journey to self-acceptance, you're certainly not alone on that path.

Hugs, Nikki

[Selene EV]

Hey
It took me quite a while to reach full self acceptance. Just like a lot of the others on this thread I had my bouts of shame, guilt, embarrassment, anger, and, frustration. I use to always wonder "why me, why do I have to be like this". When I was younger I would pray to God at night to let me wake up "normal" or the other extreme please let me wake up a girl. I always kidded myself that I could stop if I really wanted to. It wasn't until I was in my 30's that I realized I wasn't going to stop. It was about the time I got my first taste of the Internet. The wonderful thing about being young these days is the vast amount of resources available to you. Before the Internet was around being a CD/TV/TS etc was a very lonely thing for a lot of us not brave enough to get out and about. It wasn't until my mid forties (I'm 53 now) that I finally truly accepted myself. It is a wonderful feeling. I realized that this is the way I was put together from the beginning and there's no changing it. I've come to the conclusion that I love being a CD and I wouldn't change a thing even if I could.
I hope you get to this point before I did. I look back and realize how much turmoil I put myself through over something that isn't going to change and that something that makes me extremely happy.
Good luck on your journey. I hope you get there real soon.
Selene

[Majella St Gerard]

it took me a long time to accept who I am. I grew up in a very narrow minded time and place and you were labled a "Fag" if you liked anything remotely not the norm. So i went through life not expressing lots of things for fear of being the butt of jokes and teased. I often did the teasing myself to others to cover for myself. I am not proud of that, it's just the way it was. When I started under-dressing, I was terrified of anyone finding out, now almost 30 years after first starting to dabble in crossdressing, I've finally accepted what I am and I don't give a damn what anyone thinks. It's very hard because we hate to be judged, we always say "what will people think". Well now i can say "who cares what people think" As long as no one touches me, they can think and say whatever they want. I used to be afraid of going in my own back yard dressed to have a smoke, now I dress up and go to the market and just about anywhere else I want to, I've gone to bars and restaurants dressed and not give a hoot. You can only be yourself, don't let the word dictate how you are supposed to dress. Be true to yourself and you will be much happier. I am.

[Vala]

I'm sure that I'm not the only one that struggles with this?

you can count me in, I'm getting better at accepting myself but society, friends and family aren't helping. I guess I could say I'm taking two steps forward and one step back.

As an introvert

I'm very introvert myself but I guess I'm lucky that I have one friend that I can talk to and open up.

I read a lot more here than I post

I can relate to that two. I useally hang around this site 2 hours a day. But don't post allot. Many times I wish to reply or start a thread but can't find the words or guts to do it.

How do you make the journey to self-acceptance?

With small steps

When you feel like you are all alone in something, how do you accept it when you feel like you have no one to talk to?

To be honest those are the moments I don't accept it. I useally just gobble it up (be the man) and eventually I end up on the couch late at night covered by a blanket and feel miserable until I fall asleep.

[Sarah Doepner]

Annabelle,

I struggled with it for a very long time, and being from an older generation there were the two issues of poor/inaccurate information and isolation. Once the Internet allowed me to begin doing some research and then reaching out to others things got a little better, but I still wasn't ready to accept that I was a crossdresser. Several years after those first contacts I finally met face to face (first in boy mode) with other CDs in a different city. I went out in public for the first times and a couple of them were disasters at the time and high comedy in the rear view mirror.

It was on the way home from one of those gatherings where I had finally gone out without fear and spent time with others, forgetting what I was wearing because they were the focus of my evening, when I finally broke through. I hadn't realized how much emotion I had bottled up and while listening to a comedy recording in my car I started to laugh and finally had to pull to the side of the road because I was crying with the relief that came from finally accepting. It was quite a while before that feeling of accepting was constant and not being questioned. I still struggled with it, but it took a slightly different path after that as I tried to fit it in with the rest of my life. Although that moment put me on a different track, the path is still one of understanding and self acceptance.

I tell you that story because it's not the moment of acceptance, as wonderful as it was, that is the most important, but the continued effort to find out who I was and who I am that is the focus of my energy. This may be a life-long journey for you and these days there is no need for you to travel it totally on your own. This forum is one resource, but with patience and trust you will groups and individuals who have traveled a similar path and will be willing to lend a hand or offer a shoulder when things get rough. So, don't feel like you are on a schedule, don't do it alone and don't expect there to be an obvious end to the process of self acceptance because you will always be changing.

[Beverley Sims]

It is something I have worked on for a very long time.

[Jorja]

To begin the process of accepting ourselves, we might want to consider these questions.

1. What do I need to start accepting about my body, my personality, my talents, my perceived weaknesses? (For instance, I do not have an athletic cell in my whole body; and I'm perfectly fine with that - although if I were to suddenly turn into an Olympic champion that would be just fine with me!)

2. What self-talk do I need to change to start this process? We can start by just noticing the things we say to ourselves on a regular basis. Do they serve us or hold us back?

3. How have I adopted the judgments of others as my own?

4. Do I really believe there is some absolute truth to these judgments? If not, which ones do I want to ditch?

5. What do I want to believe about myself?

6. What benefits do I receive from being my own worst critic? Sometimes self-criticism serves to keep us safe from the judgments of others. We tell ourselves that if we judge ourselves first, others won't have to.

7. What do I want others to do for me emotionally that I am not willing to do for myself?

8. Am I willing to commit to accepting myself unconditionally as I am, while recognizing there are areas I'd like to change?

I hope this helps.

[Christen]

Annabelle, at your age I wasn't even considering self acceptance. I though I was just weird and it would all go away, if I just tried hard enough. 38 years later I've finally accepted that this is just part of me. I wish I'd got to that point a lot earlier. Life would have been different but it would have been a more truthful, honest life.
Thing I would recommend is to talk to a professional, have a chat with your GP and see if you can get in touch with someone who has a background in dealing with gender issues. It can really help.

Christen x

[DebbieL]

Annabelle, you might want to talk to a therapist about this. This is also the best time to this. Part of the issue is that you may be struggling with Gender Dysphoria. I knew when I was 6 that I wanted to be a girl (prior to that I just WAS one of the girls). But since transition wasn't an option, I turned to cross-dressing, cooking, laundry, and hanging out with girl friends . I acted like a girl, I had girl friends, but I didn't look like a girl. For me that was a real struggle.

In my case, I turned to self-destructive behaviors such as drugs, alcoholism, and numerous suicide and "accident" attempts. Eventually I got into AA and NA, worked the 12 step program, and began to finally address these desires to be a woman, to cross-dress, and to be myself.

Of course, back in those days (1970s), state law was not on my side and I wasn't even allowed to discuss my gender issues with therapists, because they risked their licenses and certifications if they didn't turn me over to the state psychiatric hospital for my "Gender Psychosis".

Today, you should not have too much trouble getting a therapist who can discuss your Gender Dysphoria. You may not be a full blown transsexual, you may not have any desire to transition, but you do enjoy dressing and you are struggling with acceptance of the girl who likes to be pretty and the boy who wants to be successful.

At 20, you haven't made life-long commitments, you are old enough to make your own legal decisions, and you could get transition therapy if that's what you needed.

Many of us struggled with self -acceptance and different points in our lives. In some ways it was often more like a war between the girl and the boy, or more accurately, the girl I was inside, and the boy that everyone insisted and expected that I be.

If you were forced to lie every day, hurt your friends every day, do things you knew were wrong every day, and pretend that you enjoyed doing it, you would naturally struggle with self-acceptance, and you may even reach the point of self-hate, which will either be directed inward, making you suicidal, or outward, making you violent and combative.

This is a good time in your life to start to look at your sexual identity, your sexual preferences, and start to come to terms with who you are, and start loving him or her. If you really get to the bottom line and decide that dressing is just a hobby, something you like to do when you are home alone, then you will be able to accept yourself as a man who just has a hobby, like men who collect butterflies or postage stamps.

If you discover that you are transsexual and you really do want to transition, you won't have to worry about complications like getting divorced, getting fired, getting sent away, or being a 15 year old kid whose too young to work and has to work the streets. You don't have to worry about how to tell your wife after all these years, or how you will tell your children.

If you reach the point where you can embrace Annabelle, your therapist will be able to guide you through the process of joining the real word without the "boy mask". It might be as simple as going for a 5 minute drive the first time, and going to a convenience store the second time, then exploring various social situations including gay, lesbian, and straight.
You may find that Annabelle is more social, more friendly, has more friends, and enjoys life more.

I'm not qualified to tell you whether you are Transsexual or not, especially with the little information you have given, but a good therapist with training and experience with GD will help you in ways you probably couldn't even imagine at the moment.