In the Fog, feeling things out.

[Joan.Meredith]

Hello all,

Well I just about signed a email to one of my co-workers as Joan. Talk about being in a fog, everything today has been driven by being more like Joan in real life. Company had the fitness coach in today, so I went to my normal appointment this time I updated my goals to be more with in line with losing weight and appearing more feminine. I also took a bit of a leap and poked my head into the HR rep's office. Told her that I might have something to talk to her about in the upcoming months. That it's personal but I don't want it to affect my job, and I want to make sure goes ok. She asked how long I've been married, and I also told her that it's going to be revisiting something that my wife thought we dealt with. That I've tried to do it "this way" but it's not working very well.

At that point her tone got very soft and I could tell she was being careful with her words. She said that I can come to her and talk and if need be keep it closed, or she can be the go between for whoever in the company. I'm unsure what she thinks the "problem" is I walked away with the feeling that she might just think I'm gay. I'm not sure, but she was kind to me and that's all that I care about in this moment.

Joan

[Aylineira]

Hi Joan!

I'm not one for wisdom so I hope everything works out for you

[Jaylyn]

Joan be very careful what you tell others at work. Read all the fine lines of your work agreement or contract. Be careful about the fog and remember sometimes that fog lifts and we could regret what we did while in it. I know it has grabbed me and I've spent money I wished I had back to do something's I wanted when the mood or fog had settled or moved on over. Two things CD is not worth to me is my wife and was my occupation ( I have since retired so no longer applies). Set your goals and don't let the fog suck you in obtaining what you want. I call the fog an impulse emotion as mine always came and went.

[Sara Jessica]

If you are in a self-admitted pink fog (AKA rationale for making poor decisions), you probably shouldn't be talking to HR as if they are your shrink.

[Beverley Sims]

Sounds to me you are trying to out yourself when you don't have to and you are not prepared doing it for it either.

[Annaliese]

I think that pink fog, becomes our reality, it can no longer be put back in, this is who we are and it can't be hid anymore.

[MsVal]

I learned the hard way to drive carefully in the fog, pink and otherwise.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Stephanie47]

You indicated in your reintroduction post of early December that you do not have any clothes. You indicate your wife is not supportive. I believe you indicated counseling for yourself is in order. I would not do anything to disturb your work environment. Once the Genie is out of the bottle, she is not going to be put back in. Frankly, I think you need to figure yourself out without involving others. If I were you I'd seek the counseling outside of the work place. Never act impulsively. If you're signing your emails as Joan, I'd take that as an indication you have some really pent up emotions that you need to get off your chest. Work is not the place to do it.

[Joan.Meredith]

I will be careful, I'm going to see my "counselor" tomorrow evening. I'm not sure what will come out of it. I'm almost willing to find me a Gender friendly counselor, this one really isn't. If I do that though I'm not sure what will happen with my marriage. We'll see what pans out tomorrow evening.

Joan

[Eringirl]

Hi Joan:

I won't reiterate what others have already said, but I am wondering if the fact that you almost sent an email signed "Joan" has you concerned that you might slip up and accidentally out yourself at work? If so, it also sounds like you are trying to manage that process and stay ahead of it and be in control of the process. Only you will know if the timing is right, but you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube once you do it. I have incidences at work but manage just to shrug them off and joke about it, so you may not want this to be the only reason you are doing this??

good luck!

Erin

[kimdl93]

I'm not sure you need a gender friendly counselor, but you should be working with a gender knowledgeable counselor. Its not their business to be pro or con, but they should not be hostile and should be experienced in dealing with the broad range of gender identity issues. I am not sure what value there was in dropping vague hints with your HR person...it puts needless responsibility on her shoulders.

[DebbieL]

Hello all,

Well I just about signed a email to one of my co-workers as Joan. Talk about being in a fog, everything today has been driven by being more like Joan in real life.

You need to learn to bottom-line this. You are transgender. Where on the scale is uncertain at this point, but it sounds like you are seriously considering transition.

Company had the fitness coach in today, so I went to my normal appointment this time I updated my goals to be more with in line with losing weight and appearing more feminine.

Was there an agreement to maintain confidentiality? It sounds like you are not trying to hide your femininity by trying to be overtly masculine. This will make things easier.

I also took a bit of a leap and poked my head into the HR rep's office. Told her that I might have something to talk to her about in the upcoming months.

You do need to get back to that bottom line. You are transgender, you are contemplating transition, and you need to get a counselor who has experience with Gender Dysphoria.
She's not a mind reader, but she probably has a pretty good idea that you are either gay or transgender, and since you are concerned about it impacting work - she has probably figured out that you are transgender.
However SHE cannot tell you, or ask you. You have to ask for help. It's like when someone comes to the HR person asking for EAP reference because they are alcoholic. They can ask if you think you have a problem, but the alcoholic has to admit he has a problem and ask for help. Once help is requested, the information is confidential and the HR person is responsible for helping you get the correct type of help you need.

That it's personal but I don't want it to affect my job, and I want to make sure goes OK.

Again, this is pretty much a give-away that you are transgender, but she legally can't ask you, assume, or demand that you tell her. Unfortunately, she can't help you until you ask for help.

She asked how long I've been married, and I also told her that it's going to be revisiting something that my wife thought we dealt with.

That probably confused her.

By the way, you should probably insist that your couples counselor refer you to a counselor who has experience with Gender Dysphoria. The minute you ask, it will be unethical for him to try and push you into accepting your birth gender. A gender dysphoria counselor will provide the guidance you need to assess
#1 are you transgendered?
#2 where on the scale are you at this time? What obstructions will you need to address if you transition.
#3 Formulating a plan for your transition, including starting Real Life Experience, when to start hormones, and when to transition at work - mostly establishing milestones rather than timelines.
#4 actual assignments, and evaluation of your experiences and responses to these environments.

That I've tried to do it "this way" but it's not working very well.

I'm sure that confused her even more.

At that point her tone got very soft and I could tell she was being careful with her words.

She was talking to you woman to woman. She also had to be careful not to cross the legal boundary of attempting to diagnose you. Again, you have to be the one who asks for help.

She said that I can come to her and talk and if need be keep it closed, or she can be the go between for whoever in the company.

You should talk to her again, and let her know that you are transgender, considering transition, but need a therapist or counselor with experience in gender dysphoria.
You are in the very early stages as well.

I'm unsure what she thinks the "problem" is I walked away with the feeling that she might just think I'm gay.

At this point, you have left her very confused she was probably asking herself:
- Are you just getting divorced?
- Are you gay?
- Are you transgender?
- Are you about to transition to full time in the next few months?
- Are you already hiding breasts?

The other thing to be considered is your current performance on the job. If you are a solid performer and have a good work history, they don't want to lose you,
and they probably want to make sure that your performance doesn't suffer because you are not getting the therapist help you need.

I'm not sure, but she was kind to me and that's all that I care about in this moment.

That is a very good sign. You probably want to find out what kind of diversity policies the company has, whether they are have a strong LGBT support policy, and whether your insurance will cover treatment for gender dysphoria, HRT, and/or SRS. Keep in mind that Johns Hopkins in Baltimore was one of the first places in the United States to treat transsexuals and one of the first to legally provide HRT and SRS. You may be less than 20 miles and 30 minutes from a support network that can help you decide what you want to do, and how you want to do it.

I would suggest that you also look at the transsexual group on this site.

Joan

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Joan, See line #3 in my signature.