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Thread: The post reveal talk reality

  1. #1
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    The post reveal talk reality

    So, it has been almost two weeks since I had the reveal talk with my wife. I am posting this thread to educate all those contemplating the talk or on the verge of the talk. In a nutshell, my wife's reality has been turned upside down . She still cannot see me as a man , as her husband , as her lover & as a honest person. She is abhorred by the thought of seeing me en femme. Dressing as a woman is inconsistent to being a man . I could go on & on about her objections, but I think that Tinkerbell's many posts on this subject encapsulates my wife's reality & my corresponding hell.
    Please be advised that I fully prepared for this talk. The many sages on this forum supplied excellent & supportive advise. I purposely delayed the talk for some time due to my wife's medical condition. I factored in all known variables & decided that the timing was right. Succinctly, I wanted my wife to know the truth , devoid of deception and any happenstance discovery.
    I could talk ad infinitum about our post reveal reality, the devastation of our relationship & the uncertainty of our future relationship. We will be going to counseling & I am praying that professional help can hopefully start the renewal of our relationship. I love my wife, will do anything to ensure our future together, but realize that only she holds the key to the future of our marriage.

    The talk has devastated my wife. She cannot touch me, look at me or talk to me with love or trust in her heart. I want you all to know that not every reveal talk goes well, that once the genie is out of the bottle that your three wishes can be three nightmares. One needs to think very long & hard before opening up the bottle. The only encouraging comment made by my wife was that she wished that I had kept my cding a secret... Not a very encouraging reply.

    I want to thank all of my dear forum friends for their pre reveal advise & post reveal support. There are many good souls in this forum. My advise to those with understanding wives is to cherish your blessings. Never take for granted that you have an understanding spouse. Never whine or complain about her problems in dealing with your pink fog . If she understands your need to cd, then thank God for that blessing.

    Be positive, think positive & be thankful for your blessings. Understand that what we do is weird, is inconsistent with nature & a reality that many women cannot accept. I don't know what is in store for our relationship. I will work hard to preserve it. I again pray that my wife can join me in that joint effort. Much peace to all , mel

  2. #2
    Senior Member Gretchen_To_Be's Avatar
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    Mel, I feel terrible for you and hope you can mend the relationship. I do think you are being too hard on yourself when you condemn something you cannot control. When you say it is inconsistent with reality, I wonder if those are your words or your wife's. You didn't choose to be this way--none (or few) of us did. We cannot help these desires. Does she think you want to be this way, and think you can make it disappear?

    I don't know your situation but give it some time. It may help give you both some perspective. I really wish you the best as you try to patch things up.

    That said, if your wife or the belief system you share is completely rigid, then my heart goes out to you, because these thoughts and feelings will never go away, and I fear you will both be miserable. In the long run (years) you may look back and be grateful that you got this secret out. If your total honesty was met with rejection for now, perhaps she will begin to appreciate the fact that you were honest, and her view may soften. If it never does, and you are faced with the choice of suppressing this side of you forever, what about your happiness? Just the fact that it is now out in the open may lead to an eventual resolution, even if it is one you can't foresee.

    I get that your wife didn't sign up for this, and women like men who look like men, and all that. My wife alternates between hating it and predicting I will dump her to run off and become a woman, date fellow CDs, etc., to enjoying our times together dressed, shopping, and my hairless legs, and the fact that she can borrow a pair of pantyhose. She literally runs hot and cold on the topic. I completely accept that, and relish the temporary acceptance or enthusiasm, knowing full well a rebuke will shortly follow. In our case, I go long stretches with zero CD activity just to show her I control it; it doesn't control me.

    It may sound trite, but if you really love each other--and not just the ideal of each other--your marriage will survive. It may not survive if her expectation is your complete cold turkey, because you will slip up somehow, whether it's visiting this site, dressing in secret, whatever.

    In the spectrum of "blessed" vs. "not blessed", I think I am definitely in the former camp, though believe me, there are things I want to do but won't, because like you I love my wife and want to keep our family together. I'm also not selfish. But I also know it wouldn't be healthy mentally to keep this bottled up like I did for the first 12 years of our marriage. I was prepared for the worst, but knowing it was so integral to my being, I had to get it out, and took the chance that she really loved me.

    I'm truly sorry your disclosure did not go well. Don't give up on your marriage, but also don't give up on yourself. If she gives up on the marriage, well, then it may be a blessing in disguise.

    Hope things get better,

    Shibumi

  3. #3
    Silver Member paulaprimo's Avatar
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    hi mel, i am soooooo sorry to hear that. you are such a great person and i aplaud you for being honest with her.
    i suppose her reaction should have been expected. hopefully in time and with counseling she will come to
    understand a little better and hopefully try to save the marriage...
    it's such a terrible feeling being torn between 2 loves. it's a lose-lose proposition. you suffer by not dressing to
    save the marriage, or you suffer by hurting your wife and putting the marriage in jeopardy. i suppose in a
    perfect world the wife is always supportive and one can then enjoy their 2 loves... those that have an accepting
    wife are truly lucky. they say honesty is the best policy, so i pray that your wife at least tries to understand and
    and tries to save the marriage.
    you are truly a wonderful person and deserve to be happy! i wish you the very best and you will be in my prayers.
    paula

  4. #4
    FAB Moderator/ Eryn's GG Mimi's Avatar
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    I'm so sorry to hear that the talk did not go well. Give her time and space to process the information. You've had years to think about it, she's had a very short time to digest a very large amount of information. Would she be interested in joining the forum, or even reading a few posts on the forum? When I first learned, what helped me was reading posts from husbands who talked about how much they loved their wives, and how much they wanted and appreciated even a little acceptance. If she needs a DADT relationship at this point, then that is at least your starting point.
    If you are a Genetic Female (Female at Birth) and would like to join us in the F.A.B. Forum, please follow the link.

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  5. #5
    Great Legs liz.thomas's Avatar
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    Sorry for the pain, I feel for you. Be strong.

    Liz

  6. #6
    Gold Member Read only Rachael Leigh's Avatar
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    Melissa I know this is a difficult place for you right now because as you say what we do is just hard to understand
    Most here don't understand why we are the way we are imagine if you just found out something about her you didn't know she was dealing with. Being married is about 2 people and it's work to keep good.
    Hang in there
    Leigh

  7. #7
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    Mel, her agreement to join you in counseling is a huge positive sign for your relationship. Stay positive. Best wishes,

  8. #8
    MIDI warrior princess Amy Fakley's Avatar
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    I'm so sorry to hear this, Melissa. Will keep you in our prayers.
    "Why shouldn't art be pretty? There are enough unpleasant things in the world." -Pierre-Auguste Renoir

  9. #9
    Rachel Rachelakld's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear it went badly.
    We all have the same choice in CDing, as my daughter has of being a red head. Sure both can be hidden, but either way she still deserves love and so do you

    Best of luck
    See all my photos, read many stories of my outings and my early days at
    http://rachelsauckland.blogspot.co.nz

  10. #10
    Aspiring Member MelanieAnne's Avatar
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    There is another thread recently, somewhere on this board, wherein a posters therapist said that crossdressing was within the normal range of behavior for males. Maybe you can find it and use it to your advantage. That statement really stuck in my mind.

  11. #11
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    Melissa

    I am sorry that this was a traumatic experience for both yourself and your wife. However I would echo the thoughts already expressed by others.... give your wife some time to digest it. Your wife has agreed to go to counselling? To be honest I think you are already halfway there to reestablishing a relationship of love and trust with your wife. You have expressed your intent to work hard for your relationship. I was always taught, do the very best that you can and if you do that then none will fault you. A freight train has just been driven through her headspace of reality. It will take time to rebuild.

  12. #12
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    I'm sorry it didn't go well. I agree with Mimi, your wife needs time to process this. At this point, she only needs to understand one thing: you've had these desires for nearly all your life (I'm assuming it started at least in the teen years?) and it is not going away. You and she can eventually come to any arrangement, whether DADT or partial acceptance/tolerance. But in the end she does need to understand that it is a part of you, it needn't be all-consuming and it doesn't define all of who you are. Hopefully she will be able to compartmentalize this in the immediate future, with further hopes of some growth in her understanding as time passes.
    Reine

  13. #13
    Aspiring Member Jenny Elwood's Avatar
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    Hi Mel.

    First off condolences (is that the right word?). Secondly welcome to the "reality" club. For most of us the reality is: unaccepting wives.

    I went out once and (nicely) asked a lady to take a photo of me in the location (a Casino/Entertainment complex). She was out with a group of other woman, obviously on a "ladies night". She ran for the hills. Afterwards I always thought to myself: "Do you know what your husband is getting up to at home?".

    Your wife was "that lady" up to two weeks ago, until you came and shook her boat. Like a serious disease, for most woman this is something that happens to someone else. "My husband would never...". You (the wife) don't know.

    You are in this for two weeks only now so, maybe in time if you work at it, it may get better. This is a huge shock for any woman and sometimes they find it a lot harder to get over the deceit than the actual fact that you are a crossdresser!

    All I can say is repeat something someone else has said to me:

    "...what you do after you came out may be more important..." (kimdl93)

    I sincerely hope for your sake that it will.

    (Nice reply Shibumi).

  14. #14
    Senior Member Suzanne F's Avatar
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    Melissa
    I am so sorry that you and your wife are having a difficult time. Please try to hang on. Your wife may surprise you later down the road. Maintaining a loving attitude during this rough spot will give you a chance later. I too think that her willingness to go to counseling is a good sign. You have always been so supportive of me and my family! Finally, don't be so hard on yourself. You are a loving person who deserves to be authentic.
    Suzanne

  15. #15
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    Hugs Mel, I know you told me this happened and I'm sorry it's still tough. Counselling is a good idea, as long as she doesn't feel bullied into acknowledging crossdressing is normal. To her, it's not and maybe never will be. But whether she wants it or not, it's her new normal now and that will be very upsetting given she's assumed all this time that she had a relationship just like everyone else, and women can be very good at comparing their 'normal' to others, despite not really knowing what happens behind closed doors. If your wife understood how many women are living with a crossdresser, she would feel more ordinary by the second!

    Anyway, there is a chance she can lose some of the outright loathing to where she understands you need this, but that will take time and you showing her that you didn't choose this and it doesn't define you. Tell her about the young boy who started dressing all those years ago, as I know this helped me feel more compassion toward my H. You also need to prove to her that it doesn't control you because you're in control, you're happy to dress without her involvement, you love being her husband and man MORE than being Mel, and you'll not rock the boat and push boundaries while she's feeling this way. This all might mean that staying married to her means less crossdressing for you. I know many here will assume that one day she will temper her attitude and learn to like the crossdressing and you just need to wait for that moment, but I honestly haven't witnessed this anywhere but on this forum. Many times, the wives are borderline annoyed for the rest of the relationship, but if the husband controls his end, she can learn to control hers. Balance and harmony can then resume.

    But reality is where it's going to start, Mel, and that means accepting your wife might never like your crossdressing just as you hope she will learn to accept that you need it. Sometimes, the best we can do is accept the worst in each other x
    Last edited by Tinkerbell-GG; 11-07-2014 at 02:50 AM.

  16. #16
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    I had the 'talk' almost three years ago. I didn't bring it up, but because I was hiding web activity related to cross-dressing my wife was convinced I was having an affair. After reviewing my options (I have been a cross-dresser since age 7, tried to quit/purge numerous times to no avail) I came to the conclusion that I needed to come clean about who I was, and always have been. I can't say it was easy, but a key component of our conversations was that when we fell in love, I was a crossdresser. When our children were born, I was a crossdresser. Every Thanksgiving, Christmas and birthday, I was a crossdresser. In all of the happy times we had together, I was a crossdresser. She just didn't know it. Difficult conversations followed, but fortunately for me, she saw that who we were together was bigger than me stepping outside of cultural expectations.
    Hope this helps and best to you in your journey.
    Trisha

  17. #17
    Adventuress Kate Simmons's Avatar
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    This is a very tangled web indeed that we weave with this. The skill is to not entrap ourselves and our loved ones in it. It is difficult sometimes but not impossible to do. Feelings are the main thing we have to consider.
    Second star to the right and straight on till morning

  18. #18
    Martini Girl Katey888's Avatar
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    Mel, I'm so sorry to hear of the initial impact...

    I sincerely hope and pray that this will improve over time and that the initial reaction is simply a shock reaction to something that still must be totally bizarre and unthinkable to most wives and SOs.

    You are a good, honest, considerate and thoughtful person (and more, I'm sure.. ) - I'm sure with enough time you wife will come to see that this is not dishonesty on your part, but genuine and caring responsibility in not wanting to share a misunderstood and stigmatised burden that you have had to suppress for so many years for - what was for you and your family - the right reasons. It may take time - lots of it, probably - but give it time and continue to be your 'normal' self... you can't do any more than that and that's no different to what you've been doing for years - and hopefully she'll come to see that too!

    My thoughts and prayers for you both, Mel - Good luck!

    Katey x
    "Put some lipstick on - Perfume your neck and slip your high heels on
    Rinse and curl your hair - Loosen your hips, and get a dress to wear"
    Stefani Germanotta

  19. #19
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    It's an unfortunate reality that not every woman can accept the disruption of the image of her partner as an entirely masculine person. And there most certainly is a strong likelihood of rejection. But I would caution that the risk exists whether you reveal yourself in a planned, thoughtful manner or are discovers by accident.

    Good luck with the post reveal adjustment. Whether it works out or not, you took control of the situation and displayed character and integrity.

    But to the point of weirdness and unnatural, I beg to differ. We are anything but unnatural. Every documented human culture includes and has included gender variants. And we are common in every population...not average but common. As for weird, I think dressing up like a hells angel on weekends is weird, and I think going pseudo medieval at Renaissance Festivals is kinda weird. Honestly, Ozzie and Harriet were really kinda weird. So, what?
    Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.

    Eleanor Roosevelt

  20. #20
    Junior Member Melanie B's Avatar
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    Mel,
    I'm so sorry to hear that things are not looking up for you, and am horrified by the thought that me boasting about my own good fortune when I "came out" to my SO might have helped push you into it.
    I'm not a religious person, so it would be hypocritical to say "I'm praying for you" -- but you are very much in my thoughts, and I am desperately hoping that you and your wife can resolve the situation happily and before too long. You may perhaps find that books like "My Husband Betty" and " Something to Confess" will help her (but read them yourself first so that they don't raise any extra issues! MHB might be a two-edged sword)
    Hugs
    Mel

  21. #21
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    Hi Melissa, I'm so sorry to hear that things didn't go well, I hope that you and yourwife can work through this.

    It is like being a bomb technician, Some times you can de-fuse it
    and sometimes it just blows up in your face.
    Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......

    I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !

    If at first you don't succeed, Then Skydiving isn't for you.

    Be careful what you wish for, Once you ring a bell , you just can't Un-Ring it !! !!

  22. #22
    Senior Member MissTee's Avatar
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    Hey Mel, it was sad to read this. The silver threads to this dark cloud may be that it has been a very short time since the reveal, and she has agreed to counseling. My wife (who is supportive) has told me many times when I've shared stories such as yours that learning you've been deceived for years is much harder than dealing with a man in a dress. On top of that, knowing nothing about dressing, many draw a first conclusion that it is a perversion and indicates other things hard to understand. You and she have all that to work through and it will take time and understanding. Best wishes and hugs!

  23. #23
    its important mykell's Avatar
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    hi mel,
    i hope in time she will accept, after my disclosure i went about doing my more male type tasks, such as splitting firewood and repairing some things around the house that i had not prioritized, re-grouting the tile in the washrooms, she was always upset they never came clean enough, a. it keeps your mind occupied and b. she sees you as manly doing those things and keeps her mind occupied.

    this hit me when i revealed, as trisha stated

    When our son was born, "I was a crossdresser. Every Thanksgiving, Christmas and birthday, I was a crossdresser. In all of the happy times we had together, I was a crossdresser. She just didn't know it." even when we first met....

    if you remember my story i waited until after the holidays, but during the holidays photo albums of past vacations, wedding, birth of our son, past holidays, birthdays, were out in the living room, one night we looked through them, so maybe bring one to therapy or look through one at home, a picture is worth a thousand words......

    i know that two weeks may seem like forever to you now but she is in a sprint while you were in a marathon, hopefully she will catch up.....


    just as a side note, refer to yourself as transgender, if you do a web search of transvestite, crossdresser, or transgender you will see the results she may see....
    Last edited by mykell; 11-07-2014 at 01:04 PM. Reason: side note
    ....Mykell
    i dressed like a girl and i liked it! crossdressing...theirs an app for that

  24. #24
    Senior Member Eringirl's Avatar
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    Hi Mel: Sooo sorry you are having to endure this. I had a very similar experience. The difference being is that my SO doesn't want to go to my therapist on her own or with me. I am the one that "needs to be fixed" (her words). I have given up on the idea that "I will do whatever she wants to save the relationship". What she wants is for Erin to go away, forever. I know that will not happen. So, I have to choose which loss I can live with, Erin or my SO. This world is not big enough for these two women, one has got to go (in my SOs mind).

    So, that being said, the fact that your wife has agreed to counselling is a big deal!! Good for you. As others have said, allowing time for her to process this may help.

    Stay calm, take a deep breath. You are not evil, you are not sick. You are you, with all the wonderful attributes that Mel brings to the table. Patience...allow time to work its magic. You may be surprised?

    Here's hoping !!

    Be well.

    Erin
    Seize the day. Life is short, and you're dead a long time...just sayin' ...

  25. #25
    Little Mrs. Snarky! Nadine Spirit's Avatar
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    Hi Mel-

    So sorry that it did not go better. That sucks. But I do believe that you made the right choice in disclosing this side of you to her. I know that she said that she wishes you had just kept it a secret, but it is still better than if she happened to make the discovery on her own. It is good that you two will be going to counseling. The path to some sort of understanding lies in communication and education.

    Good luck sweetie!

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