We made the first step...now for moving forward...

[twostraightlines]

Hi again everyone..

I posted here a little while ago after my best friend (who I've had feelings for for years) came out to me about his CD. Supporting him wasn't the issue, I was more concerned about whether or not I would still be attracted to him no matter what he wore.

Well, we took the first step forward...we decided that the potential for happiness together was worth "risking" our friendship, and that we want to try dating.

We were on our way home from a road trip and had to stop at a motel because he couldn't keep his hands off me...

Anyway. Over the course of the night I met "Jenny." My guy is very into role reversal, so Jenny can come out during sex even when no clothes at all are involved (heehee).

Unlike how my friend usually is, Jenny is so shy and cute...very sweet and cuddly, and searching for love and security. She's like a totally different person. Looking into the same eyes I've fallen in love with and seeing them just searching for my love and approval...I couldn't not love Jenny, too. I wasn't sure how I'd get along with her, or if I would still want to "do things" with her...but it was surprisingly easy...

But after that it was like the floodgates had opened. Jenny opened up to me (as best she could, she's awfully awfully shy) about all the things she wanted to do...go shopping for dresses with me...have me to her makeup...help her get a new wig...

I told her of course we could do those things. But in my head I was thinking...okay, I love you, I'm okay with this, but can we throw on the brakes for a second??! My guy just seemed so happy to be opening up and just so happy to be with me, sharing all of himself with me, there was no way I was killing that buzz. But moving forward, I want to let him know that we're in this together and that while I think I can handle anything he throws at me, I still a.) need my guy to still be my guy!!! And b.) need to really take this slow, one step at a time...

I feel like I need to get my feet wet and ease into it...I'm so afraid that if it's too much at once I'll get overwhelmed and shut down/shut him out, which would virtually kill him. He's so sensitive and delicate and vulnerable right now. I need to tread carefully.

So, my confident happy CD'ers in successful relationships...advice to how to bring this up to him?

And I'd love to here from other GG's with similar stories and experiences...going from being exclusively intimate with men to heading into a more gray area of love and sex with someone is a little scary and confusing...I need to be strong for him but I'm feelin' like I need some support at the moment!!

Thank you all,

Annie

[Rachelakld]

My wife has been out twice for coffee with "Rachel" and just re-iterates that she just isn't into "Rachel's scene" whenever she is invited out.
As you can see from my blog, Rachel still gets out and has a fun time, and my other self has a fun time with my wife at a different time

[donnalee]

I'm afraid you've opened the floodgates and it'll be a while before the tide recedes. There is a tendency to go overboard; those urges and wants have been held tight for a long time. You will probably need a great deal of patience and equanimity over the next few months, but keep this in your heart. The reaction is pure joy in knowing that a most important someone in their life accepts and loves them as they really are. To them, this is beyond price.

[twostraightlines]

Ahh, yes...I kind of figured as much. I guess I need to remember that seeing him happy is priceless to me, too...

[audreyinalbany]

donna lee's right. There is such a sense of relief at being accepted that your SO is going a little overboard in the other direction.My guess is that it will settle down after a while and you two will find a happy medium, a balance between the guy and girl parts of your boyfriend's personality. Right now you probably need to think about setting some guidelines, deciding what you are comfortable with and how much 'guy time' you need anyhow much girl time you are willing to accept.

[kimdl93]

Just say mostly what you've written here. You were empathetic and at the same time fairly clear about your need to take it slow.

Only one thing confuses me...the separation between Jenny and the male parts. Really this is one person, not two identities. It would seem healthier if those repressed aspects could become part of an integrated whole person.

[Ina Girdle]

Hi Annie, You are a very understanding person and to be commended. However, your partner needs to understand your feelings and willingness to proceed cautiously. Like Kim, I personally do not get this whole alter-ego thing, I use Ina G. as a pen-name, as I can share with my wife, but not the world. One point I tried hard to get my wife to understand was that I am very much the same person she married, I was a Crossdresser all my life. It took me 40+ years to accept being a CrossDresser, I couldn't expect her to process this overnight, it has been a real process for both of us. She has been an angel and we are both working at this, but it is important to establish & respect comfort levels for both of you! You will find talking to folks here, that there are no hard & fast rules, there are as many different solutions as there are relationships. What I have learned is that everyone here is somewhere different on a range or scale. You both need to listen to each other and feel free to let the other one know what you are thinking.


i wish you two the best of the season and good luck!
Thanks for sharing.
Ina G.

[Jackie7]

An agreement my wife and I have is simply this: if/when she has had enough of Jackie, she gets her guy back right away, no arguing, no pouting. Another is, only one girl in our bed, I am always naked boy.

I don't mean to prescribe our agreements to you, but rather, to suggest you two discuss it through and make whatever helpful agreements would suit you at present.

[Isabella Ross]

I think Ina and others have given you great advice. Communication is key...you two have to talk to each other about this as much as possible. He needs to understand and accept that, at times, you absolutely need him to be in man-mode. You need to understand and accept that this aspect of his personality will never go away and occasionally, it needs to be expressed. In my own relationship, I've been careful to listen to my wive's needs and desires. In turn, she moved from uncertainty to understanding and ultimately, full support and even enjoyment from having a husband and a BFF in the same person.

[bridget thronton]

Getting Jenny to give you the time you need is key to your long term commitment to the relationship and allowing her to be part if it. Communication will be key as you both move forward.

[Judith96a]

Annie,
If your SO is anything like the rest of us CDers then he has been bottling this ip for some time. You've just given him the freedom to let 'Jenny' out of the dark and into the light. That's priceless! Have you ever witnessed calves being let out into the field after winter cooped up indoors? They go absolutely bonkers with sheer delight! And that's exactly where you and 'Jenny' are. Your SO is full of relief and excitement - so much so that he wants everything right now. That's understandable and there is a sense in which you just have to roll with it and just wait for him to calm down! On the other hand you also need to expedite his "calming down" - not least for your own sanity. It really is all about communicating, communicating how you feel, communicating that you understand his euphoria but that you have needs too, that you love him and support him etc. etc. and being there when the euphoria takes a whack when the first credit card bill lands!

By the way, you do know that you're pretty special?

[devida]

My impression is that most cross dressers are bigendered. They have a male and a female identity and they like to present their female identity as almost a different person to their male identity. But, as far as I can see, this is performative in most male to female cds. It is a play at gender, which I think is great because I really do think that gender presentation is entirely performative. Cross dressers seem to have a lot of fun with their female identities.

But the way you are describing your boyfriend's female identity is, in your words, that she is a completely different person. Are you sure? That could be a real problem for both you and him since it kind of splits your communication between three people, you, him and her. Hopefully he's just excited with being able to present his female identity and so is overacting a bit. Still I would be careful about encouraging too much disassociation between his identities. We really do all require a certain amount of consistency in our relationships with the people we love.

[ReallyRobyn]

These are all great pieces of advice, and just as it’s already been said “communication is key”. Actually it was my SO who encouraged me to fulfill my femme needs. That being said, she has limitations and boundaries which I honor and respect. By being completely open and honest we’re able to establish some essential guidelines which enables us to mutually support one another.