would you go to a funeral dressed?

[StephanieDragg]

This morning I awoke to terrible news that a very good friend (platonic) had passed, to give you some background he was an openly gay man with a partner who lived together close here. In this community which is pretty tight we do have many mutual friends who I would say mostly only know me as Stephanie, some know me as both. I met him at a restaurant in which he was working at the time and hit it off, he made it a point to invite me to dances or dinners and even his annual chili cook offs which were at their home. Upon my arrival he would always spend time with me and comment on my clothes or make up and we would talk about fashion, cooking and what was going on...

I certainly wouldn't want to offend anyone or cause some kind of "unwanted show" out of respect for anyone that could possibly be offended, but my feeling is that his family was very supportive of his life style. My initial plan was just to go in a mens suit and re introduce myself, but everyone there probably knows me as Stephanie, My social life has probably been more feminine than male as years went by, I do most of my errands etc, and socializing as a woman.

I know this funeral isnt all about me and what I am going to wear, a part of me wants to present myself there as how he knew me, but out of respect for others, or maybe even young kids, that may not know me as well would my wearing a dress for this occasion be inappropriate? I also know that I will probably cry and run my make-up lol

Any help , thoughts or input would help thank you !

[Carole]

I would say that as long as you are appropriately dressed for the solemn occasion Stephanie, you would be perfectly correct enfemme; afterall that is how he knew you mainly. If there are children there, he was, as you stated, openly gay so there will be many there from differing lifestyles. Oh and wear waterproof mascara!

[Annaliese]

Stephanie, it not about you if you go as he knew you, it about paying your last respects, as the person he knew, not going as Stephanie would be a mistake.

[Jenniferathome]

...out of respect for anyone that could possibly be offended, ...

answered your own question.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

From everything you say about him, and your friendship with him, it is absolutely appropriate that you go as Stephanie. This funeral is about him, for him, because of him; and I imagine he would be proud of you for going en femme.

I have a gay friend in UK, he's over 80 and has had some heart problems this past year. I've thought about exactly this question- I feel it would be chicken of me not to dress to see him off. But it would mean outing myself to his family, who know my mother, and a score of people from where I grew up.

Oh boy.

[kimdl93]

If you have any doubts, perhaps you could ask his partner. My initial instinct is that he would have wanted you to dress in the manner you wanted.

[Katey888]

First of all my condolences for your loss of a friend..

If most of the immediate friends know you as Stephanie, I don't think it would be inappropriate for you to ask his partner if he would be supportive of you presenting how they had come to know you...

If he accepts, then I think you have the option to do so... but you should check - and the dress should be appropriate to what they will be expecting. For example, many funerals here now are requested to be non-black... not even a tie! (Or I guess that would be black nylons, en femme equivalent...) So that's probably worth checking too...

Good luck!

Katey x

[Dana does shopping]

I did, and it really was a non-event as it wasn't about me ... but rather a celebration and remembrance of a life cut off too soon. Dress appropriate for the occasion, I guarantee no one will give a tinkers damn ...

[stacycoral]

Stephanie, find a pretty black dress that is right for the event, your only showing how much you care for him, and you said most of the people will know you as Steph, so I think it would be ok, just think how he would like you to dress for his funeral, sorry that you lost a good friend they are hard to find, my thought are with you, hugs girl.

[Glorialovesheels]

if the person at the funeral knew I was a cross dresser and the family was very understanding maybe... but probably not as Stephanie states its a matter or respect to the family

[Allisa]

I agree with Carole and so sorry for your loss of a good friend.

[StephanieDragg]

thanks nikki, I know 100% he would be proud for me to show up as who I am and how he knew me

I did, and it really was a non-event as it wasn't about me ... but rather a celebration and remembrance of a life cut off too soon. Dress appropriate for the occasion, I guarantee no one will give a tinkers damn ...

thank u honey

[justmetoo]

thanks nikki, I know 100% he would be proud for me to show up as who I am and how he knew me

I think that's your answer right there.

I don't get the "out of respect for those who would be offended". Why, for you being yourself? Anyway, those people are probably few and far between in that company.

[Jilmac]

Many of my gay, straight, and tg friends know me as both my male and female self so if the unfortunate happened and one would pass to that great LGBT in the sky, I wouldn't hesitate to attend the wake and funeral dressed.

[TxCassie]

Stephanie,

I am sorry to hear of your loss. A friend, depending on the relationship can be a such a part of ourselves. On that level, your friend knew you and accepted you as Stephanie, so yes, it would be very appropriate for you to present as Stephanie. I am sure you are aware of the appropriateness of attire for the occasion. Funerals are for us, for loved ones, family, friends, etc... We need the closure, the chance to say goodbye, to make the temporal finality real. So, that we can put the life and passing of the deceased into our individual perspective, and yes, eventually, move forward in our life. The fact you are concern about offending anyone shows you are a considerate and polite person. I think if you attend as Stephanie, you will attend as a friend showing respect and a person in that mode will not be the center of attention. If for some reason, anything happens where you have to make a decision, I feel you will respond politely, with consideration, and dignity for the family, for your friend's memory, and yourself. Remember, when we are sincere in expression, social regulations will more than not, take not only a back seat, it will not be relevant.

Cassie

[BOBBI G.]

This past year I had occasion to attend the viewing of a gentleman I had worked with for a number of years. I chose a navy blue pantsuit, a very pale pink blouse, and heels. While there I talked with several of the people who had worked with us. and also his wife, who I had never met. She was just glad to see people who had known him show up and pay their respects. I could not attend the funeral because of my work schedule, so I can't say much about what I would do in your case. My guess is I would dress tastefully and try to conduct myself with the utmost respect for the occasion. I am now a woman and have been for the past couple years, so the only thing I could consider is, is the funeral a solemn ceremony or is it going to be a celebration of his life.

Bobbi

[Marcelle]

Hi Stephanie,

Firstly my condolences . . . the loss of anyone dear in our lives is a difficult time.

IMHO, it would only be an issue if you were just planning to show up at funeral of an acquaintance "en femme" and nobody knew about Stephanie. This is not the case in this instance. You would be going as person he knew you and I truly believe he would appreciate that.

Hugs

Isha

[Eringirl]

Hi Stephanie:

So Sorry for your loss. My condolences.

I think it would be totally appropriate for you to go as Stephanie, the friend and woman he knew. You are going, to pay your respects and to honour his memory and friendship. Given your description, I would think it would be what he wanted. The only proviso, and I am sure you will, is to dress for the occasion, plain, understated, black if possible, out of respect for the friends and family he leaves behind.

Erin

[Lori Kurtz]

If Stephanie is who he knew, then Stephanie should be there, I would think. I like Katey888's suggestion that you check with the partner, though, just to be sure.

[Judith96a]

Stephanie,
Sorry to hear about your loss.
You've already acknowledged that it's not about you so I don't think that you're going to need much advice from any of us - you're starting from the right place!
From what you've said it appears that your friend and most of those who will be attending know you as Stephanie. So... assuming that you're reasonably confident that you can blend in with the other women, I'd encourage you to go en femme. Dress appropriately for the occasion (probably dark colours and relatively conservative), remember either your waterproof mascara or a tissue (take the tissue anyway, at least one woman there will forget to use waterproof mascara and will be glad of your help) and 'enjoy'. I know that 'enjoy' sounds like an odd word to use but hopefully you know what I mean.
As for those, adults or children, who may be attending and don't already know you (either as Stephanie or 'him'), don't worry about them.
Of course, if you're not confident of your ability to not cause a scene (either by failing to blend or otherwise) then discretion (I.e. Male attire) may be the better part of valour!

[Sara Jessica]

I too am very sorry to hear of your loss.

My advice is more on the practical side because about five years ago, I had to deal with the loss of a dear friend who only knew me as Sara. Upon hearing of her passing, my wife if I intended to go to the funeral and if so, which mode would I present in. The answer to the first one was obvious, of course I'd go. The second question gave me a bit of pause before I responded that I would be presenting as Sara. Thing is, she was a public figure who was in transition so there would be no element of disrespect when it came to how those who mourned her chose to present themselves. It happens that the only service the TG community was able to attend on her behalf was a memorial at a LGBT church rather than the regular services which had taken place previously.

That said, I think in your situation you have to examine the degree of "outness" of the deceased. Sounds like this is a non-issue though. Be yourself Stephanie. Find an appropriate black dress and present as the classy friend you were to him.

[Stephanie47]

Funerals and weddings are similar in that the attendees should blend with the crowd and not detract from the purpose of the event. What does that mean? Just don't stick out! If the departed and his friends know you as Stephanie, then I think it is totally appropriate to wear a suitable dress and heels. I once went to a wedding of a daughter of a close friend. The bride's gay cousin showed up in a custom made ivory tuxedo. The ivory tuxedo had small red roses on it and the pants were knee length. Nobody cared about the fact he is openly gay, but, the fact he was detracting from the lovely bride. It was her day, and, not the cousin's. I went to a funeral of a friend whose step-son is gay and had a partner. Everyone knew the step-son was in a gay relationship and it was obvious to all attending the step-son and his partner did nothing to hide their relationship. Nobody cared. The deceased never cared. Think about it. Those who do not like gay or lesbian relationships will probably not attend the funeral because they already shunned him. Only his true accepting family, friends and coworkers will be attending. I'm sure nobody will care if you present as the person he knew you as.

[Jorja]

First, my condolences for the loss of your friend. Now then, you say he knew you as Stephanie. I would show up as he knew you. Nobody should be offended.

[Terri Andrews]

I went to a friends Funeral two weeks and I went as Terri because that was how she knew me .
I dressed to blend in and had no problems .

[~Joanne~]

In your case, you should probably go dressed as that is how both , the deceased and his family, know you. I don't think it would be misappropriate for you to do so as long as your dressed properly. In any other situation, I surely wouldn't.