Son maybe a crossdresser

[leannejacobs]

Ive started this new post as I wrongly posted it on another one and got no real response to my question, I've been a CDer for many years but only came out to my wife two years ago but prior to that, a few years ago my wife found my stash, mainly underware, that was never talked about and pretty much brushed under the carpet, however a year or so later my wife found some panties, two or three pair in my youngest sons bedroom, she tackled him, I stayed out of it, so I'm not really sure what the outcome of it was due to my unwillingness to talk about what she found of mine.

I'm assuming he has had crossdressing tendencies too but it's quite a while ago now and my opportunity to discuss it with him has passed, if he's like the rest of us this will still be part of him, maybe dormant for a while as mine was, any ideas how I could bring this up again without him clamming up? He's now 21 and back living at home after spending the last couple of years living with his girlfriend.

Not an easy subject to discuss with your son but if it's there I'd like to steer him in the right direction to prevent the mistakes I've made, what do you think?

[Mink]

like father like son!

it may be something he doesn't want to talk about!

a private secret thing!


may be best to let sleeping dogs lie!

some doors once opened can no longer be shut!

bells unrung!

[Jenniferathome]

He's an adult, well beyond the worrisome age. He has had and has access to internet resources that you never had. He doesn't need "help."

[Judith96a]

Leanne,
I'm guessing that you're not out to your son and, reading between the lines, that your wife isn't exactly thrilled about your crossdressing (and not keen on talking about it either). I don't know the details of your situation and I don't intend to criticise or sound harsh but, please consider very carefully your motivation for raising the subject. If indeed your son is 'one of us' then the prospect of, after the initial awkwardness, being able to share with him may be very appealing.

Even if you do conclude that your motivation is good, still be very wary of broaching the subject 'cold'. If something happens, of its own accord, to which you can respond - well and good but don't go trying to create an opportunity! However, what you might consider - now that you are out to your wife, is asking her what she did find and what, if anything, she did about it and how she feels / felt about it. Of co use, there's no predicting how THAT conversation may pan out - only you are in any position to assess that!

[bridget thronton]

I would suggest that unless you are willing to share with your son he is not likely to share with you. I am not saying you must share with him if you are not ready to.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I'd see your wife as the place to start, though technically neither of you have the 'right' to intrude now he's reached his majority.

How is he in general? Coping well? Achieving goals? Has he normal healthy friendships? A SO? If he's all these things, or at least most of them, perhaps leave well alone until he's nearer 30 and has thoroughly established his own identity.

If he's visibly struggling, underachieving, abusing drugs/booze- then you might consider encouraging him to see a counsellor, but frankly I'd have died of embarrassment and immediately moved to Australia if my dad had approached me and said, "Son- we found panties in your room. Are you a CD like me?"

[Rachael Leigh]

I would tread carefully but hes your son and it might be helpful for him to have someone who has gone thru the same feelings over this. being his dad might be tough for him to know this about you at first but it might open some new communication for you both.

[Kate Simmons]

Your only obligation is to love your son. If he feels the need, he will confide in you. Just make him aware that you are always there to talk to.

[AllieSF]

I agree with the others that your son is an adult and you should leave him alone about this unless something started by him happens. Like Nikki said above and what you may have said or heard from others before when you were younger, the ewww factor when you found out that your grandparents or parents were still having great sex! Your son could very well feel the same way if you brought it up like that. And, and there are many times an "and", if all this bothers you, especially your fear of talking about with your wife, are you at the point to bring up your own interests with your her now? Food for thought.

[Rachelakld]

Okay, so I disagree (wife also tells me I'm wrong on many things)
We were raised to think gay / CD etc was shameful, something to hide, and most of us are nuttier than Christmas fruit cake because of it.

If I had a son and thought maybe something was different, I would open a conversation on how different can be fun, rewarding and how such things as sexual variations SHOULD be acceptable. I can and do discuss most subjects with most of my daughters (sex, drugs, medical info, religion etc)

[Caden Lane]

I was reading and saw the "private, secret" thing... it struck a chord with me, since my Psychologist recently told me to stop thinking of Caden as my secret. Secrets usually have negative connotations. She insists that I refer to it as being a private matter, that may or may not be shared with those deemed worthy. Since that time, what little guilt I had left, has no longer been a factor.

That said to emphasize; if your son is a CD, the sooner wisdom such as that can be given to him, and he can learn to accept who he is, he will be a better person all around for it. Worse case scenario, your son is transgender, and he is unable to adapt and suffers in silence. Or becomes suicidal. I've even known CD's who were forced to suppress who they are, and became suicidal. But he is older, he is his own person. It may be awkward to share that part of your life.Or that part of your life, especially without knowing for certain that it is in fact his inclination.

There are ways to broach the subject, delicately, and without revealing too much about your inclinations. Perhaps set up a father/ son trip...and then simply say; "son, something happened a while back, and I've dwelled on it for quite some time, trying to find the right way to talk about it, approach it, and what advice to give." at that point, let him know what you are talking about, and before he can say anything, let him know that no matter what, no matter who he is,what he becomes, or where he goes in life, he still has your Love, affection, respect, and that no matter what, you have his back. That sort of statement is empowering, and reinforcing, as well as non-judgmental. Be sure to let him know that he should feel free to talk to you about anything. IF, I say IF, he reveals he is a crossdresser,that may be the time to reveal that you are as well. Might not be the time to reveal glamour shots, but it is an open door to communication.

I'm going to return to reading the thread, but the whole secret thing sprung out at me.

[Teresa]

Leanne,
The fact he's back living with does that imply he still has the GF ? If he hasn't it may be a way into the Cding conversation ! He may just open up if they did split up and CDng was the problem !
Somehow I think talking to him and perhaps outing yourself may help him in the long run ! We all know how much we suffer when we feel we're the only one with the problem !
I guess it depends on the type of relationship you have with your son ! If I found my son had the same problem I would help like a shot !

[Ressie]

He may just have a panty fetish and maybe hasn't even worn them. Some of you think CDing always progresses. It doesn't progress with every boy from my personal observations. I doubt that he would feel OK talking about it with his dad. It's probably too embarrassing for him. JMO.

[DonnaT]

A young man having several pairs of panties does not mean he wore them, as they have at least one other use for some.

[Rebecca Sue Willams]

When I was a youngster, and my mother found my stash I was shuffled of to a psychologist to find out if I was ok. She did not try to talk to me about it, she didn't want to deal with it. As far as she was concerned I was crazy. I wish she had tried to understand what I was going through.

[Beverley Sims]

I think you need proof so as your discussion can be backed up.
You then speak positively about what you know and there is no supposition in the conversation.
Of course give support but wait for answers so as you can continue an open conversation.
Keep the subject matter light and enjoyable, no dramatic stuff as to how your parents opposed it or any negativity at all.
Wait for him to open up, without hammering him with questions or offering reasons and help before he is ready.
I would probably say "If you like the lifestyle show me how you look sometime".

The next move must be his.

That is if he is in fact a cross dresser.

[leannejacobs]

I'll leave it for now, I have a good relationship with him but I don't want to create waves, nothing has happened lately for me to suspect that he's doing anything for now, my wife is accepting of my dressing and even encourages it when she knows I need to dress, I'll leave my son to find his own way.

[Kelli Jo-ann]

What if the panties were trophies, souvenirs or maybe momentos.just because they were in his drawer doesn't mean he's the one wearing them.
a very good friend of mine had a garter hanging from his rear view mirror. I never once suspected him of wearing it though.

[Marcelle]

Hi Leanne,

Where there is smoke . . . it doesn't always mean there is fire. While a young man having a few pairs of women's underwear may seem suspect, there may actually be a innocent reason for them. You said he moved back in with you after living with his GF for a few years. The underwear may have been accidently moved with him when he packed up. They could have sentimental (in that sexual kind of way) for him and he has decided to keep them. You best source of information is your wife to find out what he said. I understand your angst as your wife found your stash of underwear but he is your son and asking you wife for a bit of information is within your right even if it may be a bit awkward for you.

Hugs

Isha

[leannejacobs]

The panties were found well before he moved out and I'd put money on it that he hadn't even been with a girl at the time, they were his I'm pretty sure of that, where he got them from I have no idea, he certainly wouldn't have bought them himself, no worries, as I said, I'll leave it, let him find his own way, I can't say I suspect him of doing anything at the moment, I dabbled at a very young age and then it lay dormant for maybe 20 years before I got the urges again.

[Tiffany Jane]

Having used the term tackled, I am assuming you mean in the emotional sense. If you and your wife have not discussed it, it could be a way for you to express your feelings now that your son could be experiencing some of the first and sometimes worse times of crossdressing; finding and accpeting one's self. Your wife may also have pent up emotions about youir activities that may be diverted to your son and could cause more hurt if he feels her reactions are not matching whatever the topic is they are talking about.
If you think he is, watch. You know some of the signs to look for. If there is a time when it is certain, then try to discuss and assure your son that it may not be normal to others, but it is an acceptable way to express himself at home or other places if he chose. He would also have a great father who is able to understand what he is going through and would be able to discuss things with you.

[Cheryl T]

If he's 21 then he's old enough to take him out for a few brews and then while sharing some time together broach the subject letting him know he has your support.
Take the shame and guilt away so it doesn't rob him of the chance to just be himself.

[kimdl93]

Probably not. I suspect he will find his way easier than you. Btw, how did your wife handle her discovery in his room?

[Leona]

My sons are already well-prepped for the conversation, should it need to come up.

However, if they weren't, and my wife was attacking one of them for something resembling wearing women's clothes, I would stand on my son's side. I wouldn't have let the situation progress without jumping in in the first place.

But had it happened when I wasn't there, and I needed to do damage control, I'd talk to the son. If I wasn't already out to him (I'm out to my family), I'd out myself, and I'd show a great respect for his privacy, meaning I'm not expecting him to out himself.

He's 21. CPS can't take him from you. You're all adults here. You've nothing to fear. In fact, I'd argue the only thing you have to fear (is fear itself!) is sitting on the sidelines while he's traumatized for engaging in behavior that YOU do and know there's no issue.

As a parent, even for an adult kid, you still have a responsibility to protect him from this. It's a stigma, and you didn't raise him to deal with it, and now he has to deal with it.

You have an ethical obligation to step up.

At least, that's how I see it. Feel free to ignore me if running away is more your style.

[5150 Girl]

Let him know you support him!