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Thread: First outing didn't go well

  1. #1
    ^^ Jackie Jaclyn's Avatar
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    Unhappy First outing didn't go well

    The desire to go out en femme has been driving me nuts. I got up yesterday and decided today was the day.

    I figured I'd try something easy like going to a mall. I picked one about 45 mins. away from my home to reduce the chances of seeing someone I knew. When my wife woke up I told her of my plans and she said she was OK with it. So I started getting ready.

    When I got to the mall I brushed me hair check my make-up and then I froze. I couldn't get out, I just sat there awhile and watch the people come and go. I couldn't get the nerve to go in so I decided I go find a place to get my nails done.

    This is something I've done in the past, but only drab, But i figured I could handle this. Found a place close on the internet so off I went. When I pulled in, the place was deserted so I decided I'd call. The SA told me they where open, so I asked if she was OK with transgender clients, and she said yes, so in I went. She told me none of there nail techs were in today and they were only doing tanning. She handed me there schedule and told me to come back. She was very nice to me, if everyone was this nice we'd have nothing to be afraid of. Still not wanting to give up I found another place and off I went.

    I pulled in and decided to call this too. When I asked the transgender question her attitude changed and said yes they have a problem with it and hung up. Oddly enough this shocked me and I just wanted to be home.
    I really hate this sometimes.

    Jackie
    Cinderella is proof that a pair of shoes can change a your life.

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  2. #2
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    Cheer up Jackie. If you look back at the situation it really didn't go bad at all. Focus on the good part, your wife said it was ok, you went out of the house, and got out. Good for you. Sorry it didn't have more positive results but I'm glad you got out. More than I can say at this point.

  3. #3
    Style Icon Sara Jessica's Avatar
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    I think you did one thing absolutely right. You decided to go to a public place for your first time stepping out into this wonderful world of ours rather than driving to a park in the middle of the night or taking a walk around your block (also at night, seems to be a recurring theme here).

    From there you made a couple mistakes in my opinion which are easy to correct. First of all, it seems you picked the busiest time of year to make your maiden voyage. While I love to get out in the hustle & bustle of the holiday season, I've been at this out & about stuff since my early 20's. Admittedly, in the early days, you really have to get your head around being out amongst such crowds. But once you do, all is fine.

    The other mistake you made (again, IMHO) is calling ahead to see if it is "ok" to be a paying customer. Do you think women do this? Take the second salon which hung up on you, assuming you present in a positive manner, walk in the front door with your head held high and let them tell you "no". Chanced are they wouldn't because they would be immediately disarmed by the image of the woman walking through the door. They'd see your POV rather than having to imagine what it might be by hearing it on the phone. Not that I'm saying you should try that salon again as you already found an accepting one the first time.

    When all is said and done, try again. I'm sure you can do it.
    Like a corpse deep in the earth I'm so alone, restless thoughts torment my soul, as fears they lay confirmed, but my life has always been this way - Virginia Astley, "Some Small Hope" (1986)
    Sunlight falls, my wings open wide. There's a beauty here I cannot deny - David Sylvian, "Orpheus" (1987)

  4. #4
    Just a touch of class Lynn Marie's Avatar
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    Be happy that you froze at the mall! I absolutely hate malls, even in boy mode. I zoom through them like a jet on steroids. The first rule on getting out is to carefully pick your venues. Someplace in a good part of town and fairly quiet. Going out with your wife will help validate you and going out with an experienced CD will be even better. Make a friend here. You don't have to do it alone.

  5. #5
    Silver Member Maria 60's Avatar
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    Well just like average days, sometimes we have good days and we also have our bad days. I find going to a store or anywhere retail after the holidays the SA are not so friendly, and seem very tired from all the Christmas rushes in the last few weeks. Don't give up and learn from this, specially calling that nail place never again. Tomorrow is another day.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Jean 103's Avatar
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    When you think about it a road trip for the first time, you did just fine. The mall anytime is hard, anywhere there are kids I try to avoid. I would suggest standalone stores, less walking and thou its less personal, doesn’t haft be.

  7. #7
    Member Mia001's Avatar
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    Jaclyn,

    I know it must feel bad at the moment but there was a very positive part right in the middle of your post so I think you already have your next outing planned. Check the schedule for the first nail place and arrange to go back there. if they are as positive and nice as you say then that's a great place to start. It sounds like you just had a bit of stage fright at the mall so the nail place may be a great starting place and you can build your confidence from there.

    I have called ahead to shops before going in to shop in male mode and they have always been great but I think if you ask the question then you have to be prepared sometimes for someone to say no. Otherwise you aren't really asking them.Also it lets you know in advance that they aren't worth visiting. I don't see why you would want to give them your business after that call anyway and the first place sounds a lot nicer.

    Don't give up. I'm going out for the first time next month so you're blazing a trail for the rest of us.

    Mark.

  8. #8
    Junior Member Melissa_Rose's Avatar
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    I agree with alot of the comments already said. Malls are probably not the easiest first place to go out. I get my nails done in drab and en femme. I go a bit out of the way to a salon in a different town. But I would not call to ask first. The people at the nail salon don't know me so I don't care what they think. If it makes them uncomfortable that's their issue. If they refuse business, it's their loss.
    However, when I do go and I receive great service, I tip big. Because I truly appreciate it. That includes waiters, nails, valet attendants, cab drivers, etc. I assume these people clocked me but where polite enough to be professional, so I reward with bigger tips. It might help to undo any bias they may have been hiding.
    In my head I am a size 6.. in the mirror I see a size 14
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  9. #9
    Aspiring Member Jackie7's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear that it didn't go well for you, hope you will try again. For what it's worth, some years ago when I first started going out I too tried calling ahead to ask permission. It was a bad experience, and I think a mistake stemming from lack of confidence. in some social situations I do find it helpful to make sure the hostess knows it will be Jackie at the event, but exchanging information is not the same as asking permission, which I never ever do. Stores can't discriminate against gays and they can't discriminate against us either.

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jackie7 View Post
    Stores can't discriminate against gays and they can't discriminate against us either.
    While that is true, it doesn't speak to what sort of reception and service you are likely to get. Bias doesn't go away just because you are standing in front of someone and it is likely to create a suboptimal experience. I see no reason to even consider doing business with someone who will not appreciate me as a customer. The only positive aspect would be if you choose to invest effort in explaining why they shouldn't do what they are doing and that it cost them a business transaction. However, I suspect that most would view you as an isolated data point and of not enough significance to make them rethink their policies.

  11. #11
    Gold Member bridget thronton's Avatar
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    It is very hard to get out of the car the first few times - you did well. Perhaps the second salon thought it was a prank phone call.

  12. #12
    Transgender Member Dianne S's Avatar
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    Hi, Jackie. Sorry your first outing was so rough. For my first outings, I went with a friend and that made it much, much easier. Do you have any trans friends or cis friends who know about and are OK with your crossdressing? Having someone along for moral support makes a huge difference.

    Also, it just takes practice. The first few times, I really felt like a deer in the headlights. Now I go out without a second thought and I think my attitude as much as my presentation makes me blend in. Yesterday, my mother and I went to a movie and did a little shopping while I was en femme. Apart from my mom accidentally calling me by my male name in the checkout line and getting a weird look, nothing untoward happened and we had a completely enjoyable day.

  13. #13
    Silver Member Tina B.'s Avatar
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    Took me a few times before I ever got out of the car, it can be very scary for some of us.
    Enough so, that after my first bad trip out, I became a closet dresser again. Hope your braver than I was.
    Magic is the art of changing consciousness at will.

  14. #14
    Gold Member ~Joanne~'s Avatar
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    I hate to say this but it sounds as if you set yourself up for disappointment for your first trip out. Instead of a baby step, you went for full monte. I guess if your ready for it or that confident, then all is well but sitting outside the mall, scared to go in says otherwise. I know we have a lot of "just go for it" here but not all outings are going to be as positive as they are made out to be on this forum.

    Sara said "rather than driving to a park in the middle of the night" and I agree with her, but You could also do this during the day which would help get your "pass the door" feet wet. You'll have a few encounters with people but will mainly just enjoy being out without all the hassles, stares, and negative comments.

    The first nail salon that you went to sounds as if they really don't know if they should have their doors open or not. Who doesn't have a tech on hand for walk in's? The second one, that's another story all together. I would probably try to contact the owner to report the girls behavior towards a new customer.
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  15. #15
    Senior Member michelleddg's Avatar
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    Jaclyn, I'd have to say by most of our standards your first outing was a big success! I'll save my own horror story for another time. Baby steps, girlfriend.

    I subscribe to everything Sara Jessica has to say, she's been there and done that. Totally agree that if you enter with confidence it's long odds you'll have a happy experience. However, I must say I've called ahead in the past and have been happy doing so. At a minimum it reduces the shock value of your arrival and can help make things run smoothly. Hugs, Michelle

  16. #16
    Junior Member Carolana's Avatar
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    Just to add perspective, not all, or should I say not many cross dressers are able to pass as a female. My outings have been restricted to being seen at a distance or at night, because I have seen the reactions of those who have seen me up close. Not that I care what they think of me, but if I don't pass, then I am just a man in costume. If that's what others are communicating then I feel less like a woman in that instant and more like a fraud. I am 6'1' 180, big nose, and manly features. For those of you who can potentially pass in public, don't take it for granted. What I wouldn't give for such a fun outing. Jackie, you are destined for more gratifying times than the first one. Anticipation is part of the package of pleasure.

  17. #17
    Platinum Blonde member Ressie's Avatar
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    Malls are packed with people this weekend, so that wasn't a good choice IMO. And I agree it would be much easier to go out with another CD or GG. So far I've only gone out to TG friendly places with others. But just stepping out of the car the first time (anywhere) sends a bunch of uneasy messages to the brain! Come up with a better plan next time, be confident and have fun.
    "You're the only one to see the changes you take yourself through", Stevie Wonder

  18. #18
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    Isn't it funny how when we first start in the TG life, we want to go out dressed yet it is so scary?

    Remember though -
    It gets easier the more you do it. Partially cause you gain confidence and people don't usually give confident folks a hard time.
    Aside the riff raff you may run into, most people do not care what someone is wearing. Riff raff people are always a PITA.
    The more you dress to blend in, the less you get noticed. Even if you do get detected, people will take you more serious if you dress well.
    Don't ever ask permission to be yourself. Calling to ask if they would welcome a TG person is not going to go over well. Not because they have a problem with TG but it just sets a bad stage. They might be expecting Chris Crocker to come in (we all know what an ass she is)

    The biggest thing you can do to be more convincing and gain confidence is work on your voice.
    It takes a true Erin to be a pain in the assatar.

  19. #19
    Full Geek Status Adriana Moretti's Avatar
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    you should give us ALL the name and number of the place that wanted to deny you service....and we should ALL call them up one by one.

    At least you made it out....my first time out it took me 20 minutes to get out of the car.

  20. #20
    My Ship has sailed? Barbara Ella's Avatar
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    Jackie, congratulations. For a first time out, you had an absolutely great trip. I actually think you were smart not to go in the mall at this time of year, way too crowded with people who might not be in the best of moods. Think about it, getting ready and driving by itself is a nice first outing. My first outing I drove around the mall one afternoon for almost an hour before getting the courage to go in and browse in the women's section. I did not even walk out into the mall, just in the door, walk around browsing, and out...did buy a blouse at Macy's, even then could not pass up a nice purchase. Treated very well.

    You go girl, and just keep going out, when the feeling is right, you will know it, and will react accordingly. You are doing great.

    Hugs,

    Barbara
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    I may never get to fly like the other girls, but I do so want to dance, so I continue to climb.

  21. #21
    Ice queen Lorileah's Avatar
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    Actually they CAN discriminate against us. About half the states don't have protections in place for trans people. It is a stupid thing to turn away money but that is their prerogative. The law states (in most cases) sex, race, origin, age. Your gender and your sexual preference are often NOT covered. The Civil Rights act covers only any business doing business with the government (it is national and state laws often trump the federal ones.) My hometown actually passed a statement that said "We don't want to be known as an LGBT friendly city". No one has challenged that.
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  22. #22
    Member "Gabriela"'s Avatar
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    I've just had my first experience out, but it was at a gay bar, and in the middle of the night. Even though I was the object of hundreds of looks, which was kind of scary. But I don't know if I'm ready to go to a mall or anything like that yet, specially because I live in a small country and as they say: "small town, big hell"! So I understand what you felt this time.
    Just don't give up with the idea of showing yourself in public. You look so pretty and have nothing to be ashamed of!
    Hugs!

    Gabriela
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    "Life can only be understood in reverse, but must be lived forwards" - S. Kierkegard.

  23. #23
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Do not be discouraged, Jaclyn. I have been going out to vanilla venues for over 5 years. And, I STILL have that feeling of not wanting to get out of my car. Even after so long I have to tell myself, "Screw it! You're going, so just get out and get on with it!"

    Not everyone is as social or comfortable as Sara is, out in public. She and many others here, have no concept of fear no matter how they're dressed. But, I'm not like her. I'm not social even when in drab.

    If u r a social person, like Sara? Just remember, eventually u will become confident and get used to being out dressed!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  24. #24
    New Member catherine56's Avatar
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    Don`t worry, next time it will be better
    Thanks for sharing your story with us

    Catherine

  25. #25
    W.Y.S.I.W.Y.G. Jason+'s Avatar
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    Ouch Lorileah, that pricks just a little bit and makes me happy I didn't move with my company to Denver.

    Jacklyn I've had good outings and bad but the good so far are the majority. Sales Associates are sometimes luck of the draw. At a Lane Bryant once I asked an SA if they got many male customers and she happily and enthusiastically told me about one of her regulars who always came in around valentines to buy a garter belt set usually out at that time. Another SA at the same store snorted and made a derisive comment about it.
    "You are not an accident, nor are you malfunctioning. You are performing EXACTLY as coded." For many "Man in a Dress" is the worst atrocity commit-able; for me it's just reality. Click to Learn About Me. Click to Complain About Me! There is a fine line between brutal honesty and honest brutality. It is rarely in the same place for the sender and the receiver.

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