Question from a GG

[Lisa9099]

I met a CD online (he only underdresses and wears slips/nightgowns, etc. to bed). We didn’t meet on a dating site – it wasn’t anything like that at all. We’ve grown very close recently, but have not met yet. I LOVE that he wears women’s panties – I actually think it’s quite sexy. We live in two different states. I’m single and he’s married (over 40 years (yikes!)). He also has three adult children. He’s in what I think is probably a “don’t ask, don’t tell” marriage. He has his own bedroom that he sleeps in and that’s where he keeps all of his items. He thinks there’s always a reason why someone comes into your life and we both aren’t sure yet what that reason could be… too soon to know for sure. I find myself falling quickly and I think he is quite smitten. He’s about 20 years my senior. He’s very generous and bought me a few presents and I’ve bought him some of his favorite panties in return. I told him he doesn’t need to buy me anything as I would stay his friend even if I received nothing from him (truly).

I feel very guilty about the fact that he’s married and I’m speaking with him. I know that it must be lonely to be in a DADT marriage and in a separate bedroom. I feel like my acceptance of him and really enjoying this side of him is so alluring to him.

My question – if you are in a DADT marriage and in your own bedroom and you fell in love with another women who accepted and enjoyed you the way you are, what would you do? This is assuming that you loved both women – which I believe is possible (to love two people).

I don’t know where this thing he and I have is going to go, but something tells me he’s craved acceptance from a woman for a VERY long time. I’m totally okay with him and the underdressing (am more than okay with it). On nearly every level in his life, he is a happy person and is very successful with great relationships with all of his family). The only issue would be the DADT part of his relationship/sleeping in separate bedrooms.

What’s a GG to do??? Like I said, this may not even go anywhere. He has a lot invested in his marriage. I don’t know if me being 20 years younger and loving the CD part of him might have him do something that he really would have never done.

Any thoughts??

[Jenniferathome]

... is very successful with great relationships with all of his family). The only issue would be the DADT part of his relationship/sleeping in separate bedrooms. ...

Don't forget the cheating on his wife (or the plan to cheat). If he's willing to have an affair with you, why would he not have an affair with someone else after he is with you? That is not a successful relationship. I can't imagine why you want to invest in married man.

[Lisa9099]

Technically, we are not cheating. We are just talking now, but I feel like feelings are starting to brew quickly. I don't think any other women has accepted him the way he is (meaning his wife). I am just unsure how I'm feeling about all of it. I wasn't going to post anything because I know he's married and I know it's wrong - I guess I just felt like I needed some other input and thought this site would provide that - even if it's not what I want to hear.

[Laura28]

Technically it is cheating unless he has told his wife he talking on line with a woman 20 years younger, and sounds like he is talking about feelings. If it is nothing more then friendship why hasn't he introduced you to his wife?

[Tracii G]

You seem fixated about him sleeping in another bed room but maybe he or his wife has their reasons for this.
Could be she has lost her sex drive and would rather sleep alone or maybe one of them snores really loudly and disturbs the other.
As marriages go on for many years the sexual aspect wanes and is not proof that they don't truly love each other, stepping in and disturbing the "nest" may not be a good idea for either of them let alone you.
I speak from experience because thats the way my last marriage was. She cheated on me and felt guilty that she did so she would not sleep in the same room with me.
Sex can be non existent in a marriage and it can work so best not to assume things.
You are very wise to come here for answers and opinions. BTW welcome we are happy you are here.

[Kate T]

I don't think most here are deliberately judging you. Frankly they are probably judging your friend more than you. But I can see how it feels that way. As for the CD dating site thing, I don't get that.

You want to know if DADT has an emotional effect on the CD. I don't know as I am in a long term relationship (married 18 years) with an amazingly supportive wife. However from what I have read yes I think it can be emotionally damaging for the CD. I think it can be emotionally damaging for the SO as well. Am I surprised that he has reached out to someone for emotional support. No. Frankly, and please take no offence at this, but given his age I doubt that it is deliberately manipulative on his part. I suspect he is genuinely just looking for emotional comfort. Are you happy to give that to him? Up to you. I have always stated on these forums my strong opposition to DADT relationships and your experience here with this person is one of the classic examples of why I believe them to be undesirable in a majority of situations.

Just make sure you don't get hurt and that you don't hurt someone else.

[AllieSF]

Well said Zylia.

Lisa,

It is always interesting how additional information clarifies the situation to the point of changing some peoples mind, like mine. We can only write so much and yet, sometimes that is still not enough to accurately explain a complicated situation. Your further posts helped me a lot. It is nice that you are there as support for him and I think whatever happens was meant to happen. Good luck.

[AllieSF]

Lot's of thoughts. First, as most here will say, just think of this as falling in love/like or whatever with a married man who has hobbies. Is that OK for you? Is it OK for him? Is it OK for his wife? Is it OK for his children if he has has any? If he is interested in you as much as you are in him, then give him the task of getting his wife and family's approval for this extramarital relationship. Without that, you know all the stories and normal recommendations. His CDing is only a side note to the main issue here. He is married to someone else and not from what I can tell in any process of dissolving that relationship. Proceed at your and his risk and all the potential and maybe probable negative side affect to those around him. Good luck with your decision.

[Jenniferathome]

Lisa, there are thousands of cross dressers in your state and/or city. We're everywhere.

He may be a nice guy and so are many others. There are nice, un-married guys in your town. Really. Invest in a future for you.

Best of luck to you

[Shelly Preston]

Lisa, I think the fact you have become friends is lovely.

You have been given a lot of good advice so far and I hope it helps

I am sure he is delighted with your support.

There are too many issues involved to know exactly what is going on.

I would suggest you don't take this any further as I can't see it having a good outcome.

[Marcelle]

Hi Stephanie,

I can only echo what Zylia said, which was aptly put. We (CDers) tend to get preoccupied with thinking everything we do is dishonest because we choose to dress like a woman from time to time . . . "Not telling your wife you dress . . . dishonest" . . . "Having an online emotionally supportive conversation with another woman . . . dishonest". IMHO we all make decisions good or bad which have nothing to do with cross dressing. Will this man ever leave his wife for you? I can't answer that question because I don't know his whole story. It is likely he has found a person who he can discuss a very important part of his life with and there may be nothing there beyond emotional support but then again that is what friendships are for. It is possible you have become a sounding board he uses for an emotional outlet he cannot avail himself at home.

I have to admit I am a bit saddened by all the "cheating" rhetoric as you have never indicated that it has gone that far and are just having an online discussion. If you had been a guy, most here would have seen you as a great and supportive person helping out a fellow person through a difficult time. If you were to pursue a romantic relationship with the person . . . well that is a decision you would both make as adults and I won't comment of moral issues as I am in no position to judge. Sometimes what the heart wants the heart must have and if it was meant to be, it will be.

All this to say, I believe you have a bit of a conundrum on your part. There is nothing wrong with nurturing a friendship (heck I have plenty of GG friends and nobody accuses me of cheating on my wife). However, if the relationship grows beyond the confines of friendship, then you will both have to do some soul searching.

Hugs

Isha

[Claire Cook]

Lisa,

I think these are potentially deep waters. It sounds as though you are filling a niche that his wife can't fill, and when a GG fills that CD support niche, that can be a potent elixir for a CD'er. Like Isha, I'm married to a supportive wife and I have GG friends -- but we're girl friends, and whatever intimacies we share are the kinds women talk about. Certainly no sexual involvement.

[Amy Lynn3]

Lisa, I would run as fast as I could from this situation. I know two lonely people confiding in one another ends in a bad way, especially a male and female, and one married. For him and his family, please, step away.

PS: We have plenty single cders on this site who would love to start a relationship with you.

[Lisa9099]

I'm getting the exact response that I thought I'd get - which is probably what I need to hear. I guess I felt like sleeping in separate bedrooms is not a happy marriage. I have been and can be just friends with a married man, so I will just cool my jets and play the friend...maybe that's all he needs and then he can figure out his marriage one way or the other. Thanks for your input!

[flatlander_48]

I guess I felt like sleeping in separate bedrooms is not a happy marriage.

I chuckled a bit when I saw that. For the last few years of my marriage with my 1st wife, we slept on Different Floors! in the house!!

[Lisa9099]

Flatlander, it is on separate floors too!

The lack of empathy for him from other CD's astounds me. Other than talk to me, he hasn't done anything wrong. I stand by my comment, this is a very judgmental group. He and I talk only. I think feelings are progressing, and what he learns from that, time will tell. I am not a man and thus, I think I have maybe a little more self-control than I am given credit for. I won't let him cheat with me, but as far as being friends, I think that is on his end and something he and his wife need to work out. I actually am feeling that most on here, except for a minor few, are ready to stone the both of us.

[flatlander_48]

Flatlander, it is on separate floors too!

The lack of empathy for him from other CD's astounds me. Other than talk to me, he hasn't done anything wrong. I stand by my comment, this is a very judgmental group. He and I talk only. I think feelings are progressing, and what he learns from that, time will tell. I am not a man and thus, I think I have maybe a little more self-control than I am given credit for. I won't let him cheat with me, but as far as being friends, I think that is on his end and something he and his wife need to work out. I actually am feeling that most on here, except for a minor few, are ready to stone the both of us.

I would hesitate to say judgmental. I may come out that way, but I think people have a lot of genuine concern for your situation and don't see it turning out well. Life is complicated and on occasion we do things that add to that complication. But, sometimes we take on things for a good reason and sometimes our logic is skewed. But, it is the sort of thing that each of us has to figure out for ourselves.

All that said, I think it would be instructive to hear what your thoughts are after you have had a chance to sort through and digest the possibilities.

BTW, have you considered what would happen if he leaves his wife for you, rushes over to meet you, and you discover, in person, there is just zero chemistry.

To take this from abstraction to reality, I know of a situation where this happened. The husband of a close friend of my 1st wife had a long distance affair with another woman. Unbeknownst to her, he decided to leave his wife, drive 2 states over and present himself on the doorstep of The Other Woman. I gather she was quite surprised and was specifically NOT looking for a live-in partner. So, he was forced to return home and get his wife to take him back. Ultimately, she did.

Anyway, sometimes hypothetical situations may be discussed but often they can have real basis in fact.

All the best,

DeeAnn

[Michelle (Oz)]

Flatlander, it is on separate floors too!

The lack of empathy for him from other CD's astounds me. Other than talk to me, he hasn't done anything wrong. I stand by my comment, this is a very judgmental group. He and I talk only. I think feelings are progressing, and what he learns from that, time will tell. I am not a man and thus, I think I have maybe a little more self-control than I am given credit for. I won't let him cheat with me, but as far as being friends, I think that is on his end and something he and his wife need to work out. I actually am feeling that most on here, except for a minor few, are ready to stone the both of us.

Lisa, you seem to have made up your mind that you are happy to let things take their course. Your perogative. We are simply sharing our experiences without emotional attachment on the facts as you present them.

My personal experience shared at #29 did not involve CDing ... simply a marriage in which we had grown apart and I was vulnerable to female friendship. But there are more similarities with your and his situation. Neither of us was looking for a relationship, and there was a vast distance between us and initially it was just fun chatting by phone and internet. At that stage I didn't CD.

I don't understand how this or many other replies translate into lack of empathy from CDers. You asked us for thoughts on a relationship with a married man 20 years your senior who you have not met in person. That's what you are getting. Sorry that it doesn't support your romantic notions ... another similarity, I didn't listen to advice either.

[Stephanie47]

I find it interesting that you find so many respondents to your thread/question as judgmental or lacking empathy for him. I responded to go ahead and do what you want. Both of you are adults and capable of making your own decisions and owning the consequences. I said what I would do and not do, i.e., not get involved. If you ask for an opinion and the answer is not to your liking, I really do not know what to say. If a respondent states that he would not get involved and suggests breaking it off because of numerous reasons, then of course the respondent is judgmental.

I will continue to stress you really do not know who this man really is. I'm glad you researched him. However, you really never know a person until you live with the person for some period of time. Sometimes the signs appear during courtship, even though everyone tends to be on their best behavior. Sometimes it's right after marriage.

Flatlander, it is on separate floors too!

The lack of empathy for him from other CD's astounds me. Other than talk to me, he hasn't done anything wrong. I stand by my comment, this is a very judgmental group. He and I talk only. I think feelings are progressing, and what he learns from that, time will tell. I am not a man and thus, I think I have maybe a little more self-control than I am given credit for. I won't let him cheat with me, but as far as being friends, I think that is on his end and something he and his wife need to work out. I actually am feeling that most on here, except for a minor few, are ready to stone the both of us.

As to whether what you're doing is cheating, ask whether or not his wife knows and approves. I agree with those who suggest it is cheating when there is emotional support involved. You may not agree. He may not agree. I think the answer for you and him is obvious.

Me? I have coffee about once a month with a woman who is young enough to be my daughter. Our friendship was developed through a mutual interest in collecting. This woman and her children have been to our home. My wife has talked to her for hours. My wife has met some of her daughters. My wife knows what her husband does, and, her husband knows who I am.

Heck, in the past my wife has even gone out with my approval with an old boyfriend from high school. I know him. He knows me. I just did not want to be totally bored with heir mutual interest. Above all, I know my wife and my wife knows me.

I noticed several respondents have suggested taking the cross dressing out of the equation. What would the answer be then? What if his wife has absolutely zero interest in fishing or golfing? Why wouldn't he tell his wife he found an attractive successful adoring younger woman who just loves fishing too! I chuckle, years ago my wife told me it was OK to go fishing, but, don't expect her to clean it.

[MissTee]

Hey Lisa. First, welcome to the forum. Glad to see you seeking answers before committing further to this relationship.

I have to say I am not a fan of relationships like the one you have brewing. Things can get very complicated very quickly, and a lot of people stand to be hurt. More to the point, you can probably do better. There are many CDs out there (even here) who are not already in a relationship and would love to meet someone as understanding as you seem to be. Indeed, GG's like you are highly sought after.

Probably not the answer you were looking for, but I have this thing about devotion to family and honoring commitments to those I've invested my life in. Forty years is a long time to be in a relationship, and sneaking around on your family to satisfy your "needs" is quite cowardly. Again, you deserve better.

I'm sure you'll find a variety of opinions here and some may disagree with mine. That's okay by me, but please do be careful. There's a lot of heart ache lurking in your situation. Good luck, sweetie!

[Lisa9099]

I appreciate all of the comments. I sincerely do. He's actually a very devoted husband and father (his kids are well into their thirties). I'm not attracted to his CD'ng as much as I really appreciate and like the person he is, - I find the CD part of him pretty sexy. I don't think he expected us to mesh the way we do - so his intentions were not wrong. I think I might be too alluring for him in some ways. I'm going to rethink this quite a bit. I have a healthy libido, but I also have self-control, so I can be just friends with someone.

[nikki2014]

Lisa, hold your thoughts for a while until you get more replies. I've got so many thoughts in my head alone I don't even know how to respond yet. I could write a book for how you feel and how he feels as I've been on the end of both sides. Get some more replies and see how things turn up. If you still have more questions please feel free to message me anytime. I'll keep checking on the post as well. Good luck

[Kate T]

Short answer

On the surface I think you are his ideal fantasy. A young beautiful woman who accepts his CDing. It's pretty much every cd's dream. Just make sure that that isn't all you are I.e. A fantasy that he is consciously of subconsciously using to make himself feel good.

[Lisa9099]

Thanks Adina, you hit on what I was wondering and stated it perfectly. He's a wonderful man - he truly is. I guess I wonder how really happy people in DADT marriages are - especially when they are in separate bedrooms. When he stated that he believes there's always a reason why someone enters your life, I thought to myself that my reason for being in his life may be that he realizes that he should/could be in a relationship where he feels comforted and loved for who he is - even if that person is not me.

He's a smart man and I am a relatively smart person, so I'm sure that we'll both do the right thing - which may be nothing at all. I think my point of posting was just to hear thoughts about marriages where your CD'ng has caused you to sleep in separate bedrooms and how meeting someone who you can have a different relationship with would make you feel.

I know everyone is saying there are other CD'ers out there, but I'm not in the market for a CD'er. He just happens to be one and I just happen to not mind in the least.

[Erica Marie]

This is how Ann Landers columns start. I can feel for both of you. You both started lonely and found a missing piece. A friendship is a wonderful thing, just please dont let it cross the line. He is walking on more thin ice than you are, even if he never meets you he is taking a chance on his family finding out. It could cause alot of turmoil for him. Please skip the crossdressing and have an honest chat with him, that family and a marital commitment comes first and that you two can always be friends.