addiction or not? what to do now.

[cdsara]

I am trying to decide. I stopped dressing for the most part about a year ago. Ihad told my wife and it didn't go well. I sawa therapist and all that. My wife asked me to stop so I did. Now its back. I want to talk to her again and see if she would be OK with me doing it on some level but maybe I am being selfish. Maybe this is an addiction I just need to fight. I am just torn on which direction to go.fight it or try to make it work and enjoy it. I suppose I should talk to my wife and see how receptive she is but j kinda already know the answer. Any thoughts??

[Rachael Leigh]

I can attest as many here there is for sure an addictive nature to crossdressing, I know it can be for me. What Ive done over the last year is understood it is a part of me for whatever reason and Ive had an up an down year with how much I allow it to control me. It takes a balance for sure. My wife who is somewhat supportive now because I have tried to finally be honest with her. I have discovered she needs her man time and Leigh needs to take a back seat, Im hoping I do even better in 2015 with that part.

[DonnaT]

Other than hide your CDing from your wife, all you can do is try to change her mind with careful thought out arguments.

For example, you've tried very hard, for her sake, to stop dressing, but you still continue to have the urge after therapy and a year of abstinence, and all that it has got you is internalized stress which can't be good for your mental or physical health. Thus you'd like to work out a plan.

[Annaliese]

I don't be-leave its an addiction, it who we are, as you already know, one can't stop being one self, one can stop dressing that change nothing, the desire to be one self never goes a way, try to work something out with your wife.

[Jenniferathome]

Sara, it is not an addiction. Not any more than breathing is. Any therapist will tell you that. In fact, I think it best to see the therapist with your wife and have that objective 3rd party explain the facts of cross dressing. It's not an addiction, it does not go away and it harms no one.

[Jacqueline Vivaldi]

I'm not sure that addiction is the correct term. It certainly is a powerful force in our lives, that many of us have tried to shed several times. I now believe that it is merely an expression of fact. This is who we were suppose to be, and we are simply fulfilling that natural evolution. With this view in mind, our spirit is made free to fully explore all of the female possibilities and live our lives in a rich, exciting and productive way.

[AllieSF]

I agree with the others. I also recommend that you let your wife know. You don't need to ask for permission for anything yet. Just let her know that the feeling is coming back and you have strong desires to dress again. That would also be a great time to suggest joint counseling with a gender therapist. The main thing is that you stopped, it has come back and you are letting her know without hiding it. That does more than just keep her informed. It builds trust and also shows that it is not a passing interest and goes much deeper and that is why talking to a professional may help both parties. Good luck.

[PaulaQ]

It's not an addiction. I'm a recovering alcoholic. I've been sober 25 years now. And in dealing with my gender issues, I realized that I was powerless over them. Unfortunately, in my case, what I realized was making my life insane and unmanageable was NOT this urge to dress like a woman. No, that wasn't the addiction. In my case, it was pretending to be a man, instead of the woman I actually was, because everyone else in the world wanted me to do that.

I'm sure that's not the answer you want - but it was the case for me. I applied the principles that had kept me sober - I applied them BETTER now because for the first time I was really honest with myself and others. But it wasn't the girl side of my life that went away - oh no - in my case, the guy just had to go. It was literally killing me to live a lie like that.u

At minimum, this is part of who you are, your identity. It may also be, unfortunately, who you are entirely.

[ReineD]

I agree, it's not an addiction but you do need to inform yourself.

It's one of two things: either you have gender dysphoria (read this through thoroughly, don't just pick and choose one or two things that may fit, and be honest with yourself), or it is an alternate preference. Some people believe there is a range to GD (from mild to strong), but I'm not so sure about that. To me, it's like saying that a person is just a little bit pregnant. Either you experience distress over having a male body, or you do not.

There are also people who are gender fluid (they would not consider severe body modifications or transition from one sex to another) and the expression of gender is not nor has ever been sexual.

The word "fetish" unfortunately has negative connotations, a lot of people do conflate it with "addiction" because of the way it has been defined in the past (as a disorder) and also because of it's association with sex, despite the fact that one of the definitions of fetish has nothing to do with sex. I don't like the word either since people get their backs up against a wall when it is used, this is why I prefer "alternate preference". I use the word "alternate" in a statistical sense only, to indicate a departure from what most people do. And how sexual it is depends on an individual, their libido, and what stage they're at in their lives. If you took a poll among all CDers here you'd determine that for most it was sexual during the teen years but for some or many this changed over time and the practice of expressing femininity became part of their core selves.

If you do determine that it is an alternate preference, the following article might help, it's the closest I can find that explains the origins of any deeply embedded need that does not involve a need to physically transition from one sex to another. Keep in mind it is written using the word "fetish", they do focus on the sexual stage (they don't mention the non-sexual aspects), and they refer to a multitude of alternate preferences not just the desire to express femininity, but try to get past that.

The point is that it does begin in childhood, it is deeply embedded, you can't make it disappear, and the best course of action is to work with it and NOT try to suppress it. And above all, don't be ashamed.

http://www.therapywithcare.com/Article_Fetish.html

[Angie G]

I don't think of CD'ing as an Addiction. Believe I we are born this wayas It may be stronger in some of us. I do know it won't go away.Talk it out with your wife.
Angie

[cdsara]

Unfortunately there isn't any therapists around that are familiar with it. The ones I have tried stated they have never treated anyone for this before. The one I have been seeing is nice and does her best but is not very educated on this subject. But I am thinking of returning to her.

[ReineD]

You might want to refer your therapist to published literature:

This textbook is for therapists and there are three chapters on the "T": the crossdressing, MtF TS, and FtM TS:
http://www.amazon.com/Counseling-LGB.../dp/1412987180

Here is also the WPATH PDF file (it takes a while to load) "Standards of Care for the Health of Transsexual, Transgender, and Gender-Nonconforming People"
http://www.wpath.org/uploaded_files/...ull%20Book.pdf


There are other textbook, but they mostly focus on the "T" in relation to the "LGB":
http://www.apa.org/pubs/books/4317113.aspx?tab=2

http://www.amazon.com/Casebook-Couns.../dp/1556203063

There's this one too, but it focuses on LGBT patients who have substance abuse issues:
http://www.amazon.com/Counseling-Les.../dp/0789004038

[charlenesomeone]

Reiner, thanks for the response to TGsara, lots of great info in there for a lot of us.
Hugs
Charlene

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Whether it's an addiction, a compulsion, a hobby or whatever, is beside the point. It's real and it's not going away.

Perhaps it depends how strongly you feel about keeping your marriage going. Your wife seems to offer no understanding, and that's where you should start, however impossible it seems. She needs to know you're going to be there for her, and you're not going to declare yourself gay. She needs to know you're still you, just you in a dress- and for some partners that's just too much to take.

My feeling is that learning how to accept ourselves is just about the hardest thing we can do. Learning how to accept others is far easier by comparison. If your wife has no interest in accepting you, if she won't even take a first step towards accepting you, you need to ask yourself exactly what you're getting out of the marriage. After that, if there are still enough positives to keep you hanging in there, are you willing to live entirely in the closet as far as your CD goes?

My advice is stop thinking of it as an addiction/hobby etc, think of it as the expressing of a long-suppressed part of yourself. You've been living only part of your life, your self. You can go on doing that or you can move towards becoming more whole.

Good luck sweetie!

[jackielynn]

I completely understand your situation as I have had a similar situation myself. My wife found out just before we got married and told me to never do it again. I agreed but knowing full well that I couldn't keep that promise. She will see it as something that you value more than her if you tell her that you want to do it again knowing already how she feels about it. Keeping it buried inside you and not doing it will cause emotional pain and possibly depression which will harm your relationship just as much as coming out and talking about it. Ultimately you have to address the issue somehow, seeing a therapist as a couple sounds like the best idea, that way you can work it out together.

[sometimes_miss]

It really depends on why you crossdress. my experience was that if most of my life was going smoothly, I didn't get the urge to crossdress at all. Only when I was overstressed did the crossdressing demon come out and remind me constantly that I was in the wrong clothes. The problem with considering it an addiction, is that it doesn't respond to treatments for addictions. It's not OCD either. It's considered a gender identity disorder, but the cause varies between people; there's no smoking gun, no one single thing that makes someone a crossdresser. For some, it's genetic predisposition. Others, something happens in the hormone wash at certain times of fetal or infant development. Then you have those who were conditioned into it during a vulnerable stage of personality development. And more assorted case histories of different causes. In virtually every case, it's permanent, and never completely goes away. We 'kick it', go for years, or decades, and then bam, the desire comes back with a vengeance so strong that we can't think of anything else until we slip into girl clothes.
Most of us just have to learn to live with it. Some, like me, are so deep in the closet that we can get by in the straight world; for me, at least, I only have trouble once I find out that the woman I'm falling in love with feels that crossdressing is perverted and something she could never accept. Yet I still try to find out, and get disappointed every time, and the relationship falls apart.
Try try again. No other way to live. never give up hope. Use all the tools at your disposal.
Good luck. You'll need it.

[Kandi Robbins]

Crossdressing seems to me to be unlike anything else. It can come and go, get fueled by stress, provide an escape, create shame and guilt, bring great joy, open one's eyes and heart, be totally immersive, consume one's every thought, fade away as life rolls in, etc. I'm not sure you can label it with a nice neat definition. It just is, will always be with you once you have the inclination, and with acceptance (both self acceptance and those of loved ones) can really make you a much better man. It's not an addiction, it's who you are.

[Mink]

addiction or not... one can't deny that it can take over like a pink fog and one could become utterly obsessed with thoughts about CDing and over-buying (in amount and dollars) or wanting to push things further and further to see how deep the rabbit hole goes!

i'm not quite sure why so many dismiss that?

just because YOU aren't in the thralls of the more addictive / obsessive elemental side of CDing doesn't mean others aren't going too far and need to reign it in a bit!

moderation is key!

[Marcelle]

Hi Sara,

My therapist once described it as "a force of nature" you can try to hide from it and may be successful for a time but in the end, it will find you. I doubt it is something you can fight and put it away forever. If it is weighing on your mind now it is likely to manifest itself soon so IMHO, I believe a frank discussion with your wife is probably a good idea so she is not blind sided later on.

Hugs

Isha

[PaulaQ]

@Isha - like a force of nature is a great description. When I went through my GD, I thought I understood powerlessness. Not even close - it was like a tsunami hitting me.

BTW, I would recommend ignoring the opinions of cisgender folks about what it's like to experience GD. If you haven't lived through it, you can't imagine it, and feelings of discomfort about or bodies varies extremely widely.

[Carolana]

Based on my experience and the descriptions and commentaries on addiction when the term is googled, I'm addicted to cross dressing. Can't speak for anyone else. There are lots of people who drink. Some are addicted. There are lots of people who cross dress. Some can't be? I am. I tried to quit many times and did for a while in many cases. Got rid of plenty of things over the years, only to build the supply back up again sooner or later. I finally decided to just keep what I have and enjoy the addiction. I'm not hurting anyone and my wife feels loved by her man. cheers all, happy new year.

[Alice Torn]

Sometimes Miss, Sometimes we disagree some, but I think you are right on, here. Many good posts. It does have addictive/compulsive pulls. A force, is right! A very few actually do quit for good, but i would guess there still is the desire. The human being is amazingly adaptable, and strong willed.

[Jenniferathome]

....There are lots of people who drink. Some are addicted. There are lots of people who cross dress. Some can't be? I am. I tried to quit many times and did for a while in many cases. ...

Carolana, your assessment is in error and is proved with your own words. Some drinkers are, indeed, alcoholics and alcoholics CAN quit drinking and do. Quitting drinking has a very high success rate. Cross dressing does not. Addictions CAN BE stopped. Cross dressing can not. Therefore it is not an addiction.

[Dana3]

I don't believe its an addiction, I believe its a manifestation of our true selves despite a lifetime ~ almost from birth, of heavy-handed social, cultural, and religious standards imposed upon we the individual from that of others beliefs, despite our own natural inclinations of our personal selves. And that despite that heavy handed "warping" of our personal intellect and inclinations to the contrary? Our true nature and being rises to the top and manifest itself in our very being. Sex is a biological function, gender is a psychological, emotional, mental NECESSITY!

[ReineD]

I finally decided to just keep what I have and enjoy the addiction. I'm not hurting anyone and my wife feels loved by her man.

I wouldn't call it an addiction (the only management for addiction is complete abstinence), but working with the CDing is the only way to go. What also helps is to go out dressed regularly, in the next town over if need be. This is hard to do if a wife doesn't know, so if you have your wife's blessing it's ideal. It's a shame when wives put their foot down and say "Absolutely no CDing ever", only to have the marriage end, the husband leaves and now has complete freedom to dress, only to discover down the road that the need has diminished and he does not want to transition as he once thought he did. In the meantime, bridges have been burned with families broken up. Sad.