Passing on Opportunity

[SaraSmile]

This past weekend, I had perhaps the most "golden" opportunity of my life to explore crossdressing, with my wife and family out of town for four days. I had the entire house to myself, for several days in a row, with no real accountability. I had even "prepped" for this weekend, pricing possible clothing purchases, thinking about this opportunity ... My wife actually was expecting me to shave my legs this weekend. This weekend was probably "fog machine" for the pink fog that engulfed me for the weeks leading up to it.

Exhausted, confused, and frustrated, I came here about 10 days ago, seeking some much needed support and advice, and I got just that. Most here advised me to relax, slow down, regain some composure, get my priorities and thinking straight, etc. It was good advice. After much thought, I decided that I should refrain from exploring CD any further, until I have the maturity and honesty to talk to my wife about it, that I should "lead with honesty" (note: this is NOT a commentary on anyone else ... I personally feel guilt-ridden, anxious, and down, not by CD but the regret of keeping this secret from my wife, which I hated).

So ... I passed on the opportunity. I filled my weekend with other stuff ... got caught up at work, got in some killer workouts (training for a triathlon in the summer), hung out with friends, knocked out a couple home projects. There were times at night, when I thought about sleeping in my wife's clothes, but I decided against it. It felt great being in control. It still feels awesome to be living more consciously and mindfully, so to speak, as it relates to this aspect of me.

I am not sure where I will end up with this ... It has been amazingly cathartic to just share my story with you, even anonymously, as I have been carrying this secret for 40 years and felt trapped and overwhelmed and alone. Thanks to this forum, I recognize that I am not alone, that I am in control, and that CD is not only "okay" and "normal," but this aspect of me (CD) is as valid and important as any other part of me.

Thanks again.

[Stephanie47]

You mentioned your wife was expecting you to shave your legs. Therefore, I am assuming your wife knows of your interest in cross dressing. Years ago I did not feel "right" about wearing womanly attire. I also filled my days of opportunity trying to push my desires away from me. In the short run I was successful. In the long run I succumbed to those inner desires. Oh, I did not start out charging ahead. I've never shaved my legs or arms. I am not very hirsute. I got by with shaving my face and sometimes the back of my fingers and hands. It took years to acquire a wig. I think you're going to find the majority of responses to your thread is the high degree of probability sooner or later, probably sooner, you're going to take the plunge. From your words I suspect you have some issues with self acceptance. If you had used those four days to go hog wild I suspect you would have felt terrible in the long run: self loathing and disgust.

You need to progress slowly and seek out a level of comfort. It may be just sleeping on occasion in a nightgown or a pair of nylon panties. Never forget you have a wife who is along on this journey with you.

[SaraSmile]

You mentioned your wife was expecting you to shave your legs. Therefore, I am assuming your wife knows of your interest in cross dressing.

No, she does not know. I swim and bike a lot, which is pretty easy "cover" for shaving, but I also have especially hairy legs. I recently did laser on back hair, which I love, so the conversation of hair removal is present current. But the real reason I was going to shave my legs was CD, not sports.

I do not agree with the proposition that having a CD interest/history automatically leads to dressing, or even the kinds of urges/compulsion like the kind I experienced recently. I know some believe this, but if this site has taught me anything, is that generalizations are pretty meaningless ... we are unique and on a spectrum, even as crossdressers. I lived 40+ years without ever experiencing anything remotely like my last month. I feel calm and in control at this point. And if it rises again to that level, if I ever feel overwhelmed with the desire to crossdress (and I cannot be talked "out of the bell tower," so to speak), then I will start will a conversation with my wife ... rather than the other way around.

[mykell]

hello sara,
sounds like you have just recently started to accept this part of you, mentioned sleeping in your wifes clothes....which makes me assume you have none of you own, how far into the spectrum you may or may not be has not been explored, why the urge to share this with the mrs when you surly haven't shared it with yourself?

like you have the apple cart in front of the horse......honey i have something to share with you.....i like wearing womens things.....but i haven't worn them yet.

you said you received advise prior to this .... i would agree to the slow and steady approach, but i would think that a dip in the pool would be advised to test the water before, then have a basic comparison for what it means to you/for you, then when sharing with your wife it will come from tried perspective and share and grow it with her from that, tough call, not sure what you have seen and read in your short time here....reveals dont always go how we plan them too...

[NicoleScott]

If a talk with your wife is coming up, I would have wanted to use your dressing opportunity to go ahead and dress so you can relate to her your honest and recent thoughts and feelings about CDing. Pretty much what Mikell's last paragraph said.

[Alice Torn]

Sara, Thank you for sharing this. We are not carbon copies of each other, that is for sure! Having control over oneself, and mastery over self, is pretty much the higher purpose of life. Don't condemn yourself, if you do slip up, though. How well i know that! None of us has everything all together, and perfect. Maybe an honest heart to heart with the wife, concerning the pull you have for dressing, will be good in the long run. I never had a mate, so can't fully get it.

[kimdl93]

as long as you feel good about how you used your time this past weekend, then everything is cool. One weekend of restraint does not a lifetime make. all those constructive activities demonstrate that one can suppress one's desires/needs with other activity. I guess that's good, as opposed to yielding to the "fog".

Or is it? I know that each of us at times has gotten caught up in the moment, and engaged in one activity or another that we attributed to the "pink fog". Its a cop out. There is no pink fog. Its a fiction that we may employ to somehow relinquish responsibility for our actions. Isn't it healthier and more honest and more evident of self acceptance if we can say I chose, rather than I was somehow compelled (by this supposedly insidious force)?

[Jenniferathome]

Sara, I think being able to prioritize one's life is important. Cross dressing is a part of your life, not your life.

[SaraSmile]

Alice - So very true.

Mickell/Nicolle -

like you have the apple cart in front of the horse......honey i have something to share with you.....i like wearing womens things.....but i haven't worn them yet.

I have been wearing my wife clothing, off and on, for more than 20 years, without her knowledge. The urge to dress normally coincided with being alone, which has not been that often, so I have been very sporadic crossdresser over the years ... In November 2014, something changed ... I felt an overwhelming emotional need to CD even though I was not alone. I started wearing panties under my clothing on occasion, I was mentally or physically shopping for my own clothes, watching makeup and transformation videos, just obsessed with the desire to crossdress, etc. I thought I was losing my mind.

I am not at the same place as many others here. I have heard others talk about severe and pervasive depression in fighting the urge to dress ... I have, thankfully, never experienced anything like that. Other than the period mentioned above, I have never had a desire to wear women's makeup or a wig, or shave my body hair, or be seen in public, and to the extent that I felt these things, it has largely dissipated for now. I admire those that have made the commitment to dress as they desire. I admire the courage of those who have had "the talk" or "come out." In the calm of day, and at least for now, I simply do not have that kind of desire or commitment to this aspect of me.

All of that being said, I think at the core of my crossdressing, I hate the secret. I hate the shame and guilt and embarrassment that I have felt and experienced. And I hate hiding this history/fact about me from the woman that I love and trust more than anyone in the world. After more than 20 years, she knows everything there is to know about me ... except this. In fact, a part of me would be shocked if she did not already know. I also just spent three months, fighting these urges on my own, making up reasons why I was "distracted" and emotionally distant, struggling privately and painfully, until I found this place. I am not going through that again. If and when the time is right ... when I have made my own peace with CD and understand what I want/need, I will tell her everything there is to tell.

as long as you feel good about how you used your time this past weekend, then everything is cool. One weekend of restraint does not a lifetime make. all those constructive activities demonstrate that one can suppress one's desires/needs with other activity. I guess that's good, as opposed to yielding to the "fog".

Or is it? I know that each of us at times has gotten caught up in the moment, and engaged in one activity or another that we attributed to the "pink fog". Its a cop out. There is no pink fog. Its a fiction that we may employ to somehow relinquish responsibility for our actions. Isn't it healthier and more honest and more evident of self acceptance if we can say I chose, rather than I was somehow compelled (by this supposedly insidious force)?

kim - I agree with you to an extent. I have chosen to do everything that I have done. At the same time, the only thing I would compare the "pink fog" to is tobacco addiction. When I quit tobacco, and long after the physical withdraw symptoms had dissipated, I felt powerful mental and emotional urges to use tobacco. It was like an itch that I could not scratch. My mind worked out all kinds of rationalizations to cave, which my conscious mind had to overcome. And with a lot of hard work and perseverance, I did. I freed my mind of a 20+ year addiction. Whatever I experienced s the "pin fog" felt like a similar personal/emotional/identity crisis ... obsessive compulsive feeling, or like fighting an enemy that had an outpost inside my head.

[docrobbysherry]

Sara, the guilt, deception, and sneaking around can ruin dressing for some of us.

I didn'r begin serious dressing until I separated from my ex. I had our children every other weekend and 4 days/nites a week. So, I had the house all to myself for defined periods for 15 years! My dressing was a pure joy with no lying, hiding, or sneaking involved.

Then, my 18 y/o moved in with me full time. Her adult comings and goings r completely unpredictable. She nearly caught me a few times. I had to sneak, tell stories, and hide. Dressing became a guilt ridden, stressful "hobby"! After a year of this, I felt I had to tell her. Even tho we r DADT now, it's much less stressful for me. I tell when I'm going to dress and she goes out or hides in her room so she'll never have to see Sherry!

[Katey888]

Sara - it is wonderful to hear that you seem to have found a balance, even if only short term... a little bit of time feeling comfortable and in control can translate to a better understanding of what this weird and wonderful thing means to you and how best you can channel it. Full-on, out-of-closet experiences are not for everyone and sometimes the stories here can give you the impression that that fate is pre-destined - but it is not. We each have to find what we are comfortable with and how best to manage this compulsion - sounds like you're getting there...

I think this also holds some truth for some of us:

I know that each of us at times has gotten caught up in the moment, and engaged in one activity or another that we attributed to the "pink fog". Its a cop out. There is no pink fog. Its a fiction that we may employ to somehow relinquish responsibility for our actions. Isn't it healthier and more honest and more evident of self acceptance if we can say I chose, rather than I was somehow compelled (by this supposedly insidious force)?

I say some truth because I do think there are degrees of compulsion - probably attributable to where we sit on the TG/GD curve - and to some extent because we are all different personalities in varied environments and circumstances. I know there are folk here that simply can't live without expressing more and more of this part of them - and for them it's not a fog but an absolute necessity. Others - well... I know guys that have spent fortunes on record decks, valve amps and cartridges (Google it, youngsters... ) - that's a similar type of compulsiveness for me, and more associated with what one can do rather than what one needs to...

Keep finding your way, Sara - it's the right thing for you...

Katey x

[mykell]

ok, now im up to speed,
happy that youve found this place to help u understand,
going the full "Monty" with dressing....clothes, wig, makeup and watching videos does not make you a bad person, its part of the process.
its also ok to hate the secretive aspect of dressing, but dont be shocked that she has no idea about you doing it even though you have been borrowing her things.
next stop borrowing her things and get your own,
if you do move forward and have your discussion about this do not do it hastily and i hope that you dont do it to soon, romantic holiday coming, wont be a optimum time. like anything of this nature expect the worst and hope for the best...

if you would like any info about it feel free to PM myself....