September Song

[kimdl93]

Many others have observed that a seemingly disproportionate number of "mature" people are active here, and I have read articles noting that a growing number of mature adults are coming out as TG, and some as TS, and transitioning. Naturally, we wonder why. Perhaps it's is nothing more than a reflection of society's greater openness -not an absolute or even a proportionate increase in numbers. Or perhaps its pent up demand inflating the numbers momentarily in response to greater tolerance.

My guess is that both may be contributing, but I also suspect that more mature people are better informed about themselves, even as the greater society has grown better informed and more tolerant. Having access to good quality information, primarily via the internet, as well as access to competent professional, support groups, discussion forums like this one, and even mainstream media, collectively are dispelling long held and deeply ingrained beliefs matures had about their gender identities, and opens us to possibilities we once assumed were out of reach.

I suspect there is one more factor. Once one abandons the old stereotypes and evisions new possibilities, perhaps we have a desire to make up for lost time, knowing time is not on ur side. The days grow short... and you haven't got time for the wailing game... as that old song reminds us. So, perhaps we want to enjoy these September days while we can realizing long denied or suppressed dreams.

[AllieSF]

Kim, you have hit the high points. I also see that as we age we actually do get smarter then we give ourselves credit for. We start seeing that we worry about too many things that we can do nothing about, and also realize that is where we may have been devoting too much of our mental and emotional time trying to resolve the unresolvable. We also start reflecting back to when we were younger and maybe did not do for whatever reason a few things that we really wanted to do, and again realize that we should have taken the risk or opportunity at that time. That realization is a way of saying to ourselves not to let that happen again. That is carpe diem, seize the day!

Now tie that together with what you mentioned, more information, the old school way of doing things is now being replaced by the new school way, our own mental maturity, new technologies offering almost instant access to the answers to a lot of our questions, plus the ability to anonymously join groups like this site to find people similar to ourselves. The world is getting more open and accepting to the diversity that has always been around them that they never saw or paid any attention to. All these things, at least in my personal case, create a very nice perfect storm to take those steps we may have wanted to take in the past but didn't or are just discovering that these new steps can be taken.

I am a very late starter, starting from zero as far as I can tell. I really had no former knowledge of all this, somehow found myself participating and really enjoying it, and then decided to jump in with both feet, body and head. Being where I was using your words and a few of mine above, I was in the perfect place with attitude, availability of information and no previous hang ups to hold me back. So, I understand your September reference, but in a way I also see this opportunity and side of me as a new Spring helping me to come into full blossom.

[kimdl93]

Allie, it's rather nice to see this as an unexpected Spring than the fall. I'll keep that in mind!

[Michelle789]

Kim,

In a lot of ways, transitioning in mid to late life is like enjoying the last days of summer, while transitioning earlier in life is like enjoying a full spring and summer ahead. In some places, the true summer doesn't occur in July or August. San Francisco is a great example, where the traditional summer months are cool and foggy, while September and October are warmer and sunnier. In SoCal, although we get year-round sunshine, the hottest days of summer come in September. California is still getting warmer in September, while other places are starting to cool off.

No matter when we transition in life, there is always someone who transitioned earlier. No matter how early or late we transition in life, we can still enjoy those warm, sunny days. And btw, September is still officially summer until the 23rd when the fall equinox happens, and we don't change the clocks and experience true cold weather until November. So using the September analogy, enjoy the "Indian Summer". This also reminds me of the song "Save the Best for Last".

So yeah, we just need to make the most of what we do have, and it's never too late to transition. This is ultimately a matter of life or death, and it doesn't matter whether you start your life in April or September.

[Carlene]

Kim, I think everything you have mentioned bears a ring of truth, I also believe that when we were in our teens and early twentys we denied ourselves feelings and emotions outside of traditional norms. Our peer groups and those a generation ahead (parents, potiticians, business professionals, etc.) would not have taken transgenderism lightly, thus making the effort to emotionally crush the delicate flowers found in the garden. We knew this, in fact many of us became part of the problem rather than embrace our true selves.

So, here we are in September, thankful for a release from the heat of summer, while doing our very best to capture every remaining ray of sunshine.

[Dianne S]

Another thing is that public perception of gender dysphoria has changed tremendously in the last few years, which may have made many long-suffering people finally come out. It could be that in the future, more and more young people will have the confidence to believe in themselves.

[Eringirl]

Great thread...I must admit, I think about this quite a bit. I came out 15 years ago to my SO, so this has been at the surface for quite a while. I decided not to transition at that time as the kids were very young and needed a "Dad", so I was able to suppress it. This was done mostly by overcompensating with male activities. Now, the kids are grown. Additionally, I find that there is a higher level of tolerance/acceptance in my area now than there was back then. I can easily navigate among the "muggles" when out and about, and not be hassled or outed. This was not the case 15 years ago. So, for me, it is a mix of circumstances. Where I am in my life, the financial resources I have now compared to 15 years ago, and what I perceive as changes in society.
Having said all that, do I wish now that I had transitioned years ago, you bet. But such is life. At my advanced age (55) hormones will have much less of an impact physically, but mentally I am hoping for the same. I had more hair to work with back then, now, this will be an issue. So I am wrestling with the physical aspects of all of this. But, to everything there is a season....to continue the analogy....

Erin

[Amanda22]

Hi Kim. I think all your points are correct, but the age factor has particularly influenced me. I'm going to be 55 in about a month. I'm transgender and will be seeing my internal medicine doctor on Thursday to inform her that I'm seeking cross-gender hormone treatment coordinated by the Program for LGBTI Health at Vanderbilt University. I've been pretending to be male for what's probably the majority of my life. It is time for me to be who I really want to be.

[MsVal]

When I was younger I was quite aware of my shortcomings. I worked hard to overcome those which I could, and disguise those which I could not. I felt a need to present as though I was an expert in whatever needed to be done. I was often in the presence of real experts and secretly ashamed by my ignorance. I was trying to be a Real Man.

Then, a funny thing happened. I got to the point where I realized that it's okay to be honest, to ask the "dumb" questions, to admit my mistakes. It was a liberating feeling.

As time went on, I realized the folly in working to impress people, particularly people who have little effect on my life. I learned not to care about how I was perceived, as long as I was honest.

That ... finally ... brings me to the point of this thread. To whit: I now have little reason to falsify my "self", or to live a life of avoidable stress. The day that I put in writing "I am a crossdresser" was the day that I could exhale and begin enjoying my authentic life. It's a shame that it took so many years to get to that point.

I made a promise to my wife that I would not disclose to anyone else, and aside from medical and psychological workers, and local TS/TG friends I have kept that promise. If someone finds out about me, I will feel bad. Not because I was discovered, but because of its effect on my dear wife.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Rachel Smith]

I just got to the point at about age 52 that I didn't care anymore what other people thought. It's is my life and I have a right to be happy too. As previously stated here when you are young you are worried about peer pressure and what everyone will think. When I get older I felt like stuff em all I am gonna be happy and make my last years the happiest of my life. Let the sun shine in so to speak.

[Linda Z]

Rachel-so true! I feel the same.

[PretzelGirl]

I figured, why not? The kids were no longer in the house and TV was boring.

I don't know if I can still explain mine. I didn't have the years of knowing I was female. Something just didn't feel right and I always felt like I was controlling my behaviors. Then it just kept building until I hit critical mass. Life was good before and it is far better now.

[kimdl93]

There are so many thoughtful comments, some deeply touching. Thank you. And Sue, that's so funny! Yeah, my kids are gone too...why not! I really had not considered the critical mass factor, however I certainly knew the feeling that something...that I was somehow wrong. Now I'm wondering if that critical mass can be attained by either fission or fusion.

I guess I'm feeling particularly finite as I enter another in a long procession of years.

[PaulaQ]

Why'd I finally transition after all this time? Because it finally seemed possible. If it hadn't seemed possible, I'd have ended my life, instead. I could take no more and nothing else mattered.

[Dawn cd]

In my case it is not September but November, maybe even early December. While I'm doing okay, there are a number of underlying health conditions that would preclude hormones or surgery. I am what I am, and I'm going to stay that way. Fortunately my dysphoria is not strong, and I am happily married to a spouse who knows and accepts me, so I can't complain. However (and this is a big however), were I a young man living in these times I would certainly transition, and there is a certain sadness in knowing I can never be that person.

[Amanda22]

No matter when we transition in life, there is always someone who transitioned earlier. No matter how early or late we transition in life, we can still enjoy those warm, sunny days.

Michelle, thank you for pointing this out. I need strongly to enjoy that favorite time of my life.

Having said all that, do I wish now that I had transitioned years ago, you bet. But such is life. At my advanced age (55) hormones will have much less of an impact physically, but mentally I am hoping for the same.

Erin, I'm right there with you. I'll be 55 in a few weeks. We can't look back for long, but continue to look forward to the great days ahead.

[Karen62]

I don't know if I can still explain mine. I didn't have the years of knowing I was female. Something just didn't feel right and I always felt like I was controlling my behaviors. Then it just kept building until I hit critical mass. Life was good before and it is far better now.

Sue, I identify with you!! This is it for me as well. I'm 52, crossdressed all of my life, but something else was always there (and got profoundly deeper and intense recently) -- I just repressed it until now. I just hit critical mass in December 2014. I don't know what's coming next, but I am at least moving forward now and glad of it!

[Patty B.]

Kim until the age of the internet there was little or no information concerning tg issues. Returning to college after military in mid 70's and doing as much research as was available I came up with vey little. With the age of the internet came all this info that has been so helpful to all of us. Had it been available in my 20's I have no doubt I would have followed a different path in my life. I don't regret having my children, and love them more than life itself, but would rather have spared them having to deal with my issues. And the hurt I've felt for my ex she is a wonderful lady who deserved nothing but the best in life. But as society has changed in ways for the better, I'm back to seeing the therapist and will deciede where this all leads to.

[I Am Paula]

Why I waited until 53?
When I first became aware that my gender and sex were a mismatch, there was no internet. A little later there was some printed matter, and I realized 'sex change' as it was called then, was possible, but almost in the realm of science fiction.

Expectations. I became quite good at acting the male role, and fitting in. Good enough to fool a few women, and eventually myself.
Career. By 53 I was established enough that transition was finally possible.
Society. If I had begun transition at 18, in 1976, face it, I would have been considered a freak, and been on the cover of Time Magazine.
Cross dressing. My GD was controlled by CDing. However, I knew that was escalating. At first a few women's items quelled the urge, and by the time I began transition, I was already full time.
Being myself. I was ready. I ran out of good reasons to stay male. Every time I though about gender (anybody's), I burst out crying, and I knew a complete breakdown was pending.

The biggest inspiration to change- My dear sister, who completely understood what I was going thru', and metaphorically slapped me about the face and head to get help. Without her, I could have come up with new excuses daily not to change. Me "I can't just up and change sex". Her "Why the hell not?" Clearly, logic I could not fight.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

You don't mention the fact that Western society is moving in a steadily more permissive direction. Out-gays in the military? An openly lesbian mainstream chat show host? Gay marriage? LGBT support centres in many cities? Women priests? Gay priests? 30 years ago who'da thunk it?

[Angela Campbell]

I think that the internet is one of the largest factors in that increase of acceptance of all those things. The free and quick access to information allowed so many to find out they were not alone and with safety in numbers no longer had to hide.

[MonicaJean]

I’m a late bloomer, 44. I thought I could bury all the disparate emotions with me in the grave. However, the grave found me first, so i chose to live. I never want to go back into that hellish, abysmal dysphoric based ever-worsening depressoin. Thing is, that I never knew all those seemingly unconnected emotions were indeed all connected. The internet is powerful tool for people to understand things quicker, or at all.

Or not understand things, just ask some of my relatives who ‘know’ I’m wrong. Ohhhhh I’d love to trade 15 minutes of that dyphoric depression with their normal life to allow them to have an emo

[Cindy J Angel]

Yes there dose seam to b more woman coming out and transitioning. Just like outhers i am 56 now have not yet but i am working on it. I pass more as a woman in mens clothes now. ( then 3 years ago ) lots of hard work in doing that. All my life i was fascinated with this if i heard or read about a transsexual woman. Was scared s******* but wented to know. First thing i did when i got my first computer was look cding up did not know what to call it or any thing else about it. This was around 96 and it has taken me 16 years to get to were iam at. hid it a all cost. But not any more. Will i transition went to but just dont know if i can to scared to and too scared not to so i work on me aver day to be me as i think i should b love ci dy

[KellyJameson]

I have noticed many who transition later in life were or are married and have children.

I wonder if there is a fork in the road where gender identity is suppressed and let go of in childhood and a "normative" approach to life is taken.

For purposes of survival it would make sense or at least it would seem to when the costs of turning your back on your gender identity are not understood.

There probably is an intensity that differs among trans children as to how deeply and strongly they identify with the opposite sex as to being "their sex" regardless of their bodies and what everyone else tells them.

For those who are sexually attracted to women but must or prefer to perform the role of the male sexually and otherwise, they are severely constrained in living out their female gender identity and crossdressing could be that halfway compromise to keep their sanity while not losing their lives as to everything they have built and desire.

Puberty is an interesting tipping point for many who identified as trans in childhood and I wonder if gender identity is ignored or attempts to control it happen because of sex and the need for social inclusion and procreation. All very powerful forces.

The intensity and strength of my own female identity was such that it stopped my sexuality from ever developing, so I lived in a type of sexual limbo without sexual identity. Sex triggered gender dysphoria so I backed away from sex but I could easily see for others how the opposite could happen where they leave their gender identity behind for all that could and does come out of sex only to have it come back to haunt them later in life.

The difference between me and those who transition later in life is probably measured by the degree of this "haunting" (intensity)

Trying to turn my back on my gender identity was making me psychotic because I was forced to live without a stable sense of self.

You live split off from yourself with this very powerful subconscious gender identity and the conscious will trying to suppress and control it. You are both imprisoned and locked out of knowing yourself. It really is a terrible experience psychologically.

It makes for a very erratic existence until you transition.

There is much to transitioning that brings back many of the horrors and shame of childhood where you lived exposed to the world for being something "in-between" once again while you are transitioning.

For myself it did not take courage to physically transition as to the process of transitioning (electrolysis, HRT, surgeries,ect..) as much as it did to go back once again to being vulnerable to others from them not knowing "what I am" as to my gender identity.

You have to walk thru the fire twice. Once in childhood and again later when you transition.

To transition later in life is to live longer with the pain of inauthenticity but to avoid the pain of what they were able to accomplish and gain in this inauthenticity. Life is sacrifice.

The relationship someone has with their authentic gender identity decides what pain they will experience or avoid and this is ultimately decided by what kind of pain they can and cannot take.

[ReineD]

Hi Kim,

I wanted to share in this thread the contrast between the pain that people feel when they discover late in life they need to transition, compared to what life can be like for children who have supportive parents. Even though it has been difficult for people in prior generations, I feel that stories about how things are changing can be a source of hope and comfort.

Coincidentally, last night I attended a very moving talk given by the mother of a FtM boy who is now 11. I also met the boy.

I posted the story (with a link to the mother's advocacy website) in this thread but my post was moved to its own thread in the media section. Here's the link for anyone interested.

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...50#post3677250