I need cheering up

[TinaZ]

I need cheering up.

I’ll attempt to nutshell what’s up, but forgive me if I get verbose. With the recent holidays and the kids being off school, I had to go three-ish weeks without dressing (other than one late-night session inside my new closet playground, which you might have seen). It was a long stretch and I was feeling it.

Monday was my day, though. I try to keep “Tina Time” only to Monday afternoons, with the thought that if I don’t put limits on dressing, my priorities will come unglued. Anyway, Tina Time already was going to be cut short because (like an idiot) I made my kid’s orthodontist appointment for Monday. What was I thinking?!

I entered my home office, pulled open e-mail, and there was a honey-do list a half mile long. So not only had I already cut my time short, but now these chores squashed my schedule even more. But I decided to forge ahead and did my make up – to awful results. Gads! Drag queen much, Tina?

Once dressed I attempted a quick ukulele song, and it stunk. And I didn’t like my clothes. And my makeup looked horrendous. And I had to get the kid from school. And my wife gives me this list when she knows Monday is Tina Time. And! And! And!

I stormed off to another part of the house – clomp! Clomp! Clomp! Then on my way back to my office, I’m clomping with purpose down our long hallway, when I look up and get a glimpse of Tina walking in the mirror … and she’s BEAUTIFUL!

As in, at that split second, I wasn’t blendable, I was passable – something I’ve never, ever considered myself. So I continued down the hall to the mirror, looked into my eyes, and just … started … bawling.

It was as though I’d been holding my head under water, and suddenly I’d broken through the surface and could breathe again. I was just gushing. Like, “Oh-My-God-There-You-Are!-I-Love-You!-I-Missed-You-So-Much!”

And then the implications of all that started hitting me.

The next day I met with my shrink and relayed this entire thing. Previously, we had sorta arrived at the point that Tina allows me to express parts of my personality that I ordinarily suppress. But like I said, the implications of the breakdown might-maybe-possibly indicate something beyond that. My shrink said, "Maybe there's more to it than we've talked about."

Ya think?

I feel like I’m approaching an impasse. Emotionally it feels like I’m going to have to choose between my sides, which is death to one of them. And I’m achingly sad about that possibility.

Any words or comfort or advice would be TREMENDOUSLY appreciated!

[sarah555]

Why not cheer yourself up with some good old fashioned retail therapy, buy a new dress or treat yourself to something nice

Big Hugs
Sarah

[Kate Simmons]

Or you can take ownership of ALL of your feelings, integrate them under one authority and be in control of who you want to be when tou want to be. That's another way of looking at this and the way I personally chose to go some years ago. Works for me.

[Donnagirl]

Hey Tina,

Feel your pain... The love it / hate it, boy vs girl battle for dominance really is something I can identify with. Is there common ground??? Can we share this mortal frame???

I don't know I can help but I can let you know that you're not alone in these feelings... Tina is beautiful and needs freedom and oxygen... How much she gets, well no one can tell you what that value is. Only the pair of you can decide.

Donna wants everything, hates being denied and is purile in response to conflict... But.... I dislike to deny her, love her input into my life and really appreciate what she's done to our life...

Does one of us have to sacrifice ourself for the other? I hope not... Both have value, both have a right... Neither has primacy, both have occupancy. That balance is the struggle that has value.

Donna xxxxxx

[Marcelle]

Hi Tina,

I was in your exact position about a year ago. When Isha came crashing into my life, I found it hard to accept . . . heck I was guy engaged in a very manly occupation . . . wearing dresses and make-up . . . not going to happen. But it did and with the help of my beautiful wife and wonderful therapist I released Isha to the world. Now things went along fine, I practiced my make-up, started forging a wardrobe, my wife and I were communicating and then all of a sudden things went haywire. The more I engaged in being Isha, the more I liked it, ruminated upon it and craved it. I still liked my guy side but it was like Isha needed an outlet and she was being stifled at every turn. When I dressed I felt great, when I could not I felt . . . okay but not great. The best I could describe it, is that it felt like two halves of my personality were engaged in a battle for control over my mortal soul.

I discussed this with my therapist and over time we came to realize that I am probably a bit further down the TG spectrum and being Isha is part of me. So we worked on integrating her into my life. This required my wife to be a big a part as I was going to move from just the occasional dress-up at home to presenting in public. Luckily she was very supportive and helped me realize this dream and now I have been able to successfully integrate Isha as part of who I am (I now split Isha/boy time as 40/60). However that is my personal experience and I am not saying that is the same for you. I would suggest though that it is possible that the more you explore Tina, the greater the calling to give her latitude to express herself. It is possible that you may need to revisit your dressing time with your wife to see if there is scope for increased Tina time. However, please discuss all this with your therapist as mine was very helpful in this regard.

Hugs

Isha

[charlenesomeone]

Wow Tina, don't have advice. Will encourage you though by letting you know you are not alone.
I cried the other day because Char time had to end. We have obligations that we have to do, and
some sacrifice to do. If the cost is too great then time to reassess. Please vent all you want, and
hopefully like Donna says, we can find balance.
Group Hug everyone!!!!!

[Amanda M]

I'm totally with Isha and Kate on this. In tegration is the answer - at least for now. It does NOT have to be all or nothing!

[GeauxStacy]

Tina - I know how you feel. I am single and have struggled between boy time/Stacy time so I can only imagine the added pressure of being married on top of that. I even feel sad when I tell Stacy she has to go away for awhile. One thing that helped me was getting to a comfortable balance. Just take your time, love who you are, and go with what will make you happy. As a big fan on you and your videos I will leave you with this - "Life is too short to have sorrow. You may be here today and gone tomorrow. You might as well get what you want. So go on and live."

Great big Tiger hugs,

Stacy

[Jeri Ann]

Tina,
Choosing between your sides implies never cross dressing again or transitioning.
My guess is that the first choice is not an option and the second would require tremendous sacrifice and impact the lives of those you love.

You joined this forum riding the gender fence, as you stated in your introduction.
Riding the fence is the balance that others talk about. It's good advice.
I can truly sympathize with your struggle.
I have ridden the fence all my life.

Aging sucks, but there is not an option.
I have struggled with it. Now at 64 I can assure you that people "will still need you" and "will still feed you when you're sixty four" (thanks Angela YVR for that).
It made me smile.

Tina you have to find your own balance.
It will always involve what you want to gain verses what you are willing to give up.

Good luck. By the way, you truly are beautiful.

Love,
Jeri

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Tina, Please don't this take over your life, I'm 72 and I have learned to have the Best of Both Worlds.

[MsVal]

Oh, Tina, you sound so very conflicted. That's simply awful, and I wish it wasn't true.

Is it the biggest problem the constraints that limit Tina Time? Are they firm constraints; are they self imposed?

Would you be more at peace, less conflicted, and happier overall with greater Tina Time? You already know what good things come with Tina Time. If you had twice that much, what bad thing could happen? Now which is greater, the good or the bad?

Whatever you do, I hope it brings significant relief.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Robert]

I hope this doesn't sound facile or stupid, but focussing on one thing at a time might be a good way to go.

Me, I reckon spending some time getting that ukulele song to sound better would be a good thing. How good can it sound when you are worried about what you are wearing, or how you look when you are playing it? The sounds, intonation, and phrasings are the important things.

Or, deal with your email. That doesn't require looking a certain way. Get the look then deal with the email, or deal with the email then get the look. Whichever works best for you. The two things are not really connected.

Or, focus on your make up. I don't do makeup, but from the little I know it takes concentration and focus.

Attempting to do them all at once, that's a lot of balls to keep in the air.

And, I've got to say, IMO, this two sides concept is problematic. There is, in reality, only you.

[CarlaWestin]

Or you can take ownership of ALL of your feelings, integrate them under one authority and be in control of who you want to be when tou want to be. That's another way of looking at this and the way I personally chose to go some years ago. Works for me.

Perfect advice right out of the chute! You certainly have a full plate but, so what! You have to prioritize everything in life but that just means that some things go on hold while others are addressed. I've had countless Carla times spoiled by really dumb things that had to be attended to first. And, ya' know, Tina? You gotta' feel the lows so you can appreciate the highs. No one is just happy all of the time. Someday you'll be empty-nesting and look back on your accomplishments and be proud of yourself that you handled all of it.

Babe, you certainly have a more diverse and enriched life than a lot of other people. And, to the people you love, you're a champion!

Celebrate!

[kimdl93]

Tina, I can't say I've ever felt anything approaching beautiful or passable when I see my reflection,mouth on my better days, maybe "you're presentable!" But as to the deeper implications, I cope with those conflicting needs and expectations on a daily basis. So far, I keep an uneasy peace between what could be warring factions by allowing myself some time to shed the male skin each day, if even for a couple of hours. I'm frustrated and at times uneasy at times, but during the day my to do lists keep me distracted.

Don't fear what lies beneath, but work thoughtfully with your therapist and your wife what you can to allow you to keep the things that matter.

[TerriM]

Tina, one of the other girls said it. Balance is the word that I have tried to find for a long time. Im 66, married to a good woman who wants no part of my femme side. I am very busy with my family commitments. My times to be Terri is very limited. But I just look forward to times that I can be who I really feel I am.

Terri

[Jackie7]

Tina, I'm with Isha and Kate on this one - for many of us, and maybe for you too, a balance is possible where the girl gets out enough to make y'all happy and the boy doesn't get smothered or killed in the process. But the balance point is not always easy to find and doesn't always stay in the same place. For me, everything became easier once it became possible to dress as I wished at home. took the pressure off needing to go out en femme, made it manageable.

[Jean 103]

Tina, as soon as I see your face, I think of your songs and it lifts my spirits, by the end of your post I’m in tears. I know how life obligations can gobble up all your time, leaving no time for yourself. Again I love your videos and closet too. Here comes the tears. You are beautiful both inside and out. Love Jean

[Eringirl]

Hey Tina: not much of a consolation, but I totally get it! I had a moment like that some time ago. I was getting ready to go out as my true self, Erin, when I caught myself in a mirror and said out loud without even thinking about it, "there I am, normal again" . Hearing that out loud made me stop in my tracks with much the same emotions that you experienced. Yes, it is all about balance, but that means different things to different people. Some are happy with a few times a month, some more. For me, I do not have balance, as 24/7 is pretty much what I need. But not there yet. I think it is a good idea to explore this revelation with your therapist. For me, I am at the crossroads and working on what I need to do to get to where I want to be, but that is just me. You may be able to find a balance that works for you. Don't despair, this all takes time. For now, relax, breathe, it will be okay. Just be honest with yourself and take the time to think it through. Keep us in the loop.

Sending you big

Erin

[Alice Torn]

I can empathize, though single. I have suffered the love/hate relationship with dressing, and have religious turmoil, as the religion i made a commitment to, is full of good things, other than condemning men being effeminate, and crossdressing. It is not easy. Life sure is never that easy. I have to keep it secret, but i did tell some of the wrong people i do it. Having a family to be head of, must make it much tougher.

[Julie Denier]

I really can't add much to the above, other than to say I know how it feels to have to put the femme side away for long stretches. Be well and take care

[Katey888]

Dear Tina, I do feel for you... and sadly don't have any advice beyond reinforcing what others here who have more experience of these feelings have already said... There should be a way of finding balance without choosing sides, but perhaps you need some more counselling time to get to that understanding...

I think this little phrase is worthy of engraving on a brass plaque.. or at least a fridge magnet!:

Does one of us have to sacrifice ourself for the other? I hope not... Both have value, both have a right... Neither has primacy, both have occupancy. That balance is the struggle that has value.

Very meaningful advice that, imho...

Chin up girl! If nothing else: Keep Calm & Carry On!

Katey x

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Comfort is easier than advice, that's for sure. So Yay Tina for being beautiful! Yay Tina for being an amusing writer! Yay Tina for being open and honest with herself and with us! Yay Tina for being in touch with her emotions! Yay Tina for having the balls to admit she plays the ukelele!

Advice? Where is it carved in stone that you have to choose between two sides, making one side a murderer/ess and one side the victim? You don't strike me as the killer type, other than in terms of visual impact in heels and a short skirt- quit moping girl. Gird your various loins. Bellow from the rooftops: "Hands off Monday, it's mine" and mean it.

Hugs, ickle bunny wabbits, and other assorted nice things-

Nikki

[Debra Russell]

sometimes life just gets in the way, "Tina" is alive and well and both of you are struggling to survive - listen to Kate and Tina will quit pushing so hard and feel calmer - waiting for her time, and it will bring you both to an understanding of acceptance................................Debra

[Stephanie Morgan]

Hey Tina, I have to agree with a lot of others here and will only second (or is it third, forth, fifth...awwww heck with it) the great advice already presented. Especially from Kate and Isha. For several years, I was a single father of 3 young ones (2,3,and 5) who lived with me full time. With work and kids and life, there was absolutely very very limited stephanie time (read non-existent). Things do get better girl! Anyways, you don't have to pick one over the other, but it sure seems like it is that way sometimes. That dang balance point keeps moving around, sliding up the TG scale then back down again. I have not been able to secure my own balance point down yet either. Keep up the communicating with your wife and therapist as I think that is going to be a big part of finding your own balance point. Til then, keep on playing and singing and dressing and being the wonderful person you are!!

Hugs
Stephanie M.

[justmetoo]

Hi, Tina. I don't have any good advice. I guess finding one's balance is key. But I did want to say you have brought many of us a few laughs (and maybe even a tear or two) with your songs/videos and stories and pics. You deserve to be happy. Take care of you!