My transition is beginning

[Amanda22]

Hi everyone! I've been away for a long time and upon returning I see a lot of new people. For those who know me, I apologize for the silence. I used to hang out on the male-to-female crossdresser side of the forum but I realized a couple of years ago that my identity is truly female and while wearing clothes of the female gender has helped, it isn't the full answer in my case.

I dress as a female about 75% of the time, which is fine with my wife. She has expressed recently that full time would be too much for her. So I've held back. I've been on various antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications to control my depression but even those have lost their effectiveness. I'm seeing my doctor Thursday to see if there's something else I can try for depression/anxiety.

In the past two weeks, I've had very honest conversations with my wife about my gender identity and the torment I experience which my therapist agrees is leading to my depression/anxiety. My wife has known for several years that I consider myself female but it was more abstract until the last couple of months. I've hit a critical point, psychologically, at which I cannot continue to live as I do now. I'm desperate -- each day feels like another battle just to fulfill my job and social responsibilities. I have self-harmed for a long time, and considered death as a means of relief. I have discussed all of this with my wife and therapist.

My wife told me two days ago that she has thought about me, her, and us several times when she is alone and not pressured by me for feedback. She says that in the abstract, being married to a transgender person wasn't the life she envisioned for herself. On the other hand, we're very much in love and are true best friends, and she can't imagine a life not being married to me. So she is committed to allow me the freedom to pursue HRT in both our hopes that my torment lessens. She is fully aware that besides possible psychological improvements, there will be physical changes. I've been 100% open with her regarding medical and transition information. She calmly said, "maybe HRT will be enough and surgery won't be necessary, but we'll see."

I have contacted the Program for LGBTI Health at Vanderbilt University (https://medschool.vanderbilt.edu/lgbti/) for assistance in navigating the first stage of transition: HRT. They have been extremely responsive, caring, and helpful. My wife is very impressed by Vanderbilt and actually joyful that I'm moving forward. She can already see a positive difference by the mere fact I now have hope.

So I have two major emotions right now:

1. Excitement and hope that I will live my life authentically.
2. Fear that I will be a disappointment to my wife. (note that we have no children and everyone in our family knows all about me except her extremely elderly parents who live states away)

Thanks for reading. I'll post frequently as things happen so it will hopefully be of benefit to others in my position.

Love you all!

[Debra Russell]

You are truly on your way to self realization. I know it must be tough on your wife and good luck and prayers be with you both.................................Debra

[Annaliese]

Thank for the up date Amandy, hope everything works out for you

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Just from your posts you are starting from an excellent position.

The idea that your wife and others know about this issue and you are still supported is very encouraging and I bet this is all going to create a new open world for you.

[Bria]

Amanda, I will remember you and your wife in my prayers.

Hugs, Bria

[Nigella]

As long as you both travel this road together, there is hope that you will reach the end of the journey together albeit stronger.

[PaulaQ]

Amanda, congratulations on beginning your transition. I hope you find, as I did, that HRT brings you a lot of mental peace.

It's a funny thing, surgery. Everyone focuses so much on this. By the time you get to that point, if that's your choice, you will likely be so very different that she'll either be resolved to stay in any case, or long gone. As you transition, you will cast away parts of you that kept you safe and hidden, but are now choking the life out of you. By the time you get rid of that stuff, you won't even remotely be the person she married, probably.

It really is strange, how much emphasis people put on genitals. I mean, I do - for myself - because mine bother me a lot. I live with having them 24/7. But for everyone else? Even for a lover, their time dealing with them is probably the shortest part of the time we are together. It's also not, at all, what makes a person male or female. Not even close.

I do wish you both well. I hope she's able to transition alongside you - because that's what living with you during your transition will require. Things will change, quite a lot probably. That she's willing to even try is a good sign though.

[Eringirl]

Hi Amanda ! Congratulations. You have been through a lot, but sounds like you have a found a path through. And, to have your wife along beside you must be very comforting for you. I wish you and your wife all the best and hope your can draw strength from each other along the way.

Erin

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Amanda, thank you for the update. You obviously have a very loving wife and are doing exactly the right thing by involving her in what is happening to you.

[Jorja]

Congratulations on beginning your transition, Amanda. Be sure to tighten your seatbelt and keep your hands and legs in side the car at all times.

[kimdl93]

Well, Amanda, it has been a while and I wondered how things were going. As it turns out, not nearly as well as I'd hoped. I'm so sorry to hear that you were dealing with depression. I am not surprised that the meds had only a temporary effect...that's been borne out by evidence over the years. And I'm glad that you've gotten to the root of the problem without inflicting further suffering on yourself or your wife. I'm also very encouraged by her response. It seems love can indeed conquer all. Best wishes to you both!

[KellyJameson]

Welcome back !

I'm always in awe of those who transition while married. The idea of sharing every step of the transition with a partner boggles my mind.

I could not have done it because it would have added an intensity to something that was so intense I barely was coping as it was but I wonder if maybe a supportive partner actually lessens the intensity of transitioning.

I imagine being married could be one of those things that is really good or really bad or maybe an extreme measure of both.

Certainly it would be less lonely and at times frightening with a partner that loves and supports you.

I went through a period of self harming behavior. That was a low point in my life. I'm not sure we are designed to live without hope.

I'm glad that you and your wife are seeking a resolution that keeps you safe and healthy.

Sometimes to find life we need to ask others to make sacrifices for our life at their expense.

If all goes well you will have much more to give back to her later.

[PretzelGirl]

Welcome back Mandy! It sounds like you are turning the corner and on a good path. I am happy that your wife will be with you as married partners should be best friends first and you look like you have that in your relationship. The best of luck going forward and I look forward to your updates.

[Karen62]

Mandy, you are a returning member and I am a newbie here, but I am excited for your new-found hope. I wish you the best, and I look forward to keeping up with your news (if you care to share). Be well and be happy! You're moving forward! How amazing is that?

Karen

[Michelle789]

Amanda,

Congratulations on your transition!!! This is an exciting time in your life, and will be full of ups and downs. It is your time, time to be free, time to be yourself. It's huge, and let nothing nor no one stop you.

You'll be going through a lot of firsts. For me, being able to live authentically and starting HRT were both two major milestones, and both brought me peace of mind and being able to be comfortable in my own skin. Yes, both were absolutely necessary for me to be happy

It's a funny thing, surgery. Everyone focuses so much on this.

It really is strange, how much emphasis people put on genitals. I mean, I do - for myself - because mine bother me a lot. I live with having them 24/7. But for everyone else? Even for a lover, their time dealing with them is probably the shortest part of the time we are together. It's also not, at all, what makes a person male or female. Not even close.

Yeah, even to the point of where people often think of this as a "sex change" or "sex change operation." Heck, I've even heard people in the trans community refer to SRS or GCS as the "sex change operation." I used to think that I would have to get SRS in order to truly start living my life. After being in transition for most of 2014, I have found that I can still live life whether or not I get SRS. Yeah, I'd rather have a vagina, and it might make my sex life a lot easier, and make me feel more whole as a woman, but I am able to live life just by being able to publicly present as a woman, dress as a woman, go by a female name, go to work as a woman, go to AA as a woman, go to church as a woman, socialize as a woman, shop as a woman, go to the mechanic as a woman, go to the doctor as a woman, and the list can be expanded ad infinitum.

I feel free and am able to and willing to start actually living life, to go out places and socialize, to get involved with life, and to have a meaningful relationship that I was never able to have before. Social transition and HRT are to me far more important than SRS. Live and be free!!!

[Barbara Ella]

Congratulations on your realization and beginning of your transition. Your wife is a wonderful person. My wife has many of the same fears yours has. We both realize neither of us is going anywhere without the other. It has taken her time, but is now so supportive of my being on HRT, and undergoing large volume, full facial removal, electrolysis. I am free to dress at home, our daughters and husbands know. She is still not comfortable with me going out in our town, but has expressed the acceptance of moving to another town and starting from scratch 24/7. Just include her in all your thoughts as you journey forward.

Best of luck to you both.

Hugs,

Barbara

[charlenesomeone]

So happy for you and what a wonderful wife. Hope this brings you to where you want to be.
Best of luck and will follow your posts closely.
Hugs

[Inna]

TRUTH, as it unfolds and saturates our hearts, it also brings us to reality unlike we are familiar with.
In this realm of light and love dwells power of creation, our true self and the path of existence.
I have come to feel and understand this realm well, though still a child amongst the wisdom, I know certain truths which dwell constant amongst the truth of individuality.

One of them is that There is No One you live this life for but YOU your self!
So in the essence, when your truth unfolds as it will, all you are able to do is love unconditionally, even when it means to "let go", for unconditional love is such, to love without a bound of ego, without condition, without control, without regret.
The other truth is that upon the path of truth only my instant is true, when and where I exist. This present, is the only facet I am within, no future nor past has purpose!
So in the essence, plans are our cognitive "feel good medicine" but in the true realm, they are nothing but delusion and aspect of ego.
Allowing the path to unfold freely and utterly brings us to the wisdom of creation, without patina of relentless ego trying to steal yet another moment for it self.

[Amanda22]

I'm just so impressed with each person who commented. You are wonderful people. I've read your responses several times and they're so touching. I wish I had your support here in Chattanooga TN so we could socialize. I want to especially thank you all for the wisdom you have shared. I'm astounded! Thank you so much!

1. I met with my long time Internal Medicine doctor to fill her in one the latest decisions I and my wife have made so we can improve the quality of my life. She's known for years I'm transgendered, but I just wanted her to know that I'm moving forward with HRT. She is very supportive, updated the notes in my file, and advised me to check in soon with another update.
2. I called my mental health insurance company to see if a second therapist would be covered (they would be, thankfully). Although my current therapist is wonderful and I'll continue to see her, I'd like to have a few sessions with a therapist who has cross-gender advising experience. While on the phone, the representative searched their provider database for any therapists in the state of Tennessee who list "gender" in their specialty list. None do! Of course, I'm sure they're out there but they'll be harder to find.
3. I called Vanderbilt University's LGBTI Program to update them on my current actions.
4. I called the office of the endocrinologist to ask how I can be a patient. They need a doctor-to-doctor referral first. I phoned my doctor to send that to the endocrinologist.

This is a very big time in my life. Crucial, from a mental health aspect. I'll post another update when I actually have an appointment on the calendar for the first visit with the endocrinologist. The first visit will be a consultation to discuss everything and develop a plan. Besides wanting to be at peace, emotionally, I want to know when my male parts will fall off and how big my breasts will grow! I'm just kidding. Well, sort of...

[Frances]

Is it you who had Dr. Girlfriend from The Venture Bros as an avatar?

[Amanda22]

Frances, no it wasn't me. I've only ever used my real photo as an avatar.

[PretzelGirl]

Frances, I believe you are thinking of AmandaM.

[Frances]

There's Dr. Girlfriend. Sorry for the intermission. Thanks Sue.

[Heidi Stevens]

Hey Amanda, I'm so glad you've taken steps to improve your life! When we met last fall I could tell you were comfortable being Amanda. Thank your wife for hanging in with you for the long haul by your side.
I too took a big step today and met with a Gender Therapist for the first time. lead the way, my sister!

[Karen62]

I too took a big step today and met with a Gender Therapist for the first time. Leed the way, my sister!

So, true, Heidi, and Amanda. Lead the way -- I am right behind you (my first appointment is on Jan. 26). 2015 will be a banner year for us all.

Karen