Telling people about my name change

[PaulaQ]

I'm preparing to go to court for my name / gender marker change on Monday, and I was making a list of all the stuff I need to update (currently up to around 50 things, life things, work things), and I noticed something.

I didn't list any people.

My mom and sister know, they'll go with me, as does my boyfriend. I haven't decided - and I guess that's why I'm writing this - what to do about my adult children. It seems like I ought to tell them, but I don't know if I should do it in advance, or just after - or wait until the subject comes up?

I won't have the same last name as them. That might bother them I suppose. I'm not really sure what I should do. Things are strained with the both of them. I don't want to hurt their feelings if I can avoid it.

Then there's the issue about whether or not to inform my ex-wife. We still have a bit of unfinished business between us. (Hopefully, other than support, that's wrapped up next week - I should have my observatory sold and the money for it paid to her.) Unlike my kids, I'm not so worried about her feelings. She sends me little texts from time to time telling me she's angry and that she hates me. So, whatever I do, she'll hate it. But ethically, I guess I ought to tell her?

[PretzelGirl]

If things aren't strained to the point where they won't, I would consider a face to face talk. If you are wanting to get the relationship to the best possible point, I would think that being up front and honest gives you the best chances. If you don't tell them and they find out after on their own, then it could get uglier.

On your ex-wife, as long as you have legal actions going, I would say you have to tell her. Otherwise, I don't see it mattering. I haven't talked to my ex once since I came out.

[Persephone]

The question might be how much it effects them. It is mostly a legal action, not a social one.

How many people in your daily life actually encounter your legal name? How often do they see your driver's license?

In my case, for example, most of my friends were already accustomed to using my female name, Barbara, and would have been surprised to learn that it hadn't been my legal name all along.

In the case of close family they may often call each other by nicknames ranging from "Poopsie" to "Mom" or "Pop" and seldom use the "real name."

If you feel that it will affect their lives or their attitude towards you, then it is reasonable to tell them. Otherwise it may not be particularly relevant.

Here on the forum, of course, we know just how big a deal it is in your life and what it means, so we'll be delighted to share your joy and offer our congratulations.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[PaulaQ]

The bigger issue to me with the kids, is I'm changing my last name. I think they may not like that.

For my ex & a few others, I think it'll be the 'F' on my license.

I dunno, just curious how others handled this, if anyone had a surprising reaction, that kind of thing. Most people in my daily life, other than in the job won't notice, because I'm just Paula to them now.

Dealing with my job should be hilarious. I've been there 15 years, but work remotely, so while I'm out at work, many won't really know until my name & photo change.

[Dawn cd]

By all means tell them. Don't wait until the subject "comes up." You might tell them you're changing your last name in part because you want to respect their privacy. It insulates them from nosey questions, "Are you any relation to...?" Of course you don't have to tell them all of your reasons.

[Angela Campbell]

I talked with the ones who would still talk to me about my name for a while before changing it. Those who wouldn't talk to me I don't know how they feel. The ones I do still have in my life love the name and they all had some input in choosing it. My exes? Who knows what they think about all of this, quite funny to them is my guess.

[Jorja]

Those that are really close you may want to tell face to face out of respect to them. In Ohio and several other states you are required to take out a public announcement in the local newspaper for 30 - 60 days or however long is required by law. In my opinion that is all anyone else needs to know if they are not a daily contact.

[Eringirl]

Hi Paula: I am not there yet, so take this with a grain of salt, but I would tell the kids. With the different last name, they may find out indirectly, which may hurt. They may havre questions as to why and better for them to get the right answer from you versus creating their own answers in an information vacuum. As for your ex wife, meh, wouldn't bother, as long as she knows how to reach until,the legal stuff is cleared up?

Erin

[Karen62]

Paula, I don't have kids, so I can't empathize with your situation with them. But I can contemplate what it would mean to me if my father were to change his name. If my father was going through such a big life transition as you and he felt the need to change his name as part of the process, I just don't see how it would affect me. His identity would be the one changing, but not mine. Then again, that is a selfless position to take. I assume your kids know about your transition and your coming plans for surgery. If the kids were to raise an objection to you changing your last name, it seems to me to be an arbitrary and selfish position for them to take. I don't know about all of the emotional issues between you and your kids, but if they are already hostile toward your transition, whether or not you change your name doesn't really make much of any difference, does it? Frankly, this is your life. You gave your kids what they needed in their childhoods. But they are now adults (I presume from context), and now you have to address your own needs. Inform them of the news, fine, but don't ask them for permission or worry about their approval. You don't need it.

One more step forward, my dear. More power to you!

Karen

[FemPossible]

Just tell them. I get that it's a difficult thing to do but you're going to change your name anyway. They'll eventually find out.

[becky77]

I would tell them before you do it, just seems the right thing to do.
Can I ask why you will have a different surname?

[PaulaQ]

I would tell them before you do it, just seems the right thing to do.
Can I ask why you will have a different surname?

Well, the 'tell them beforehand' ship has sailed. Barring an uncooperative judge, it should be over later this morning. I guess we'll see how it goes telling them after the fact. I was rather busy yesterday helping out others - my own personal stuff didn't get handled. This is, of course, an excuse. I think I want to enjoy at least one day of this without feeling guilty again that I've let them down by transitioning.

Regarding my surname - my father would never have accepted this. As a kid, he pretty ruthlessly forced masculinity on me. He would, back when you could get away with this stuff, go to gay bars so that he could beat up the young men he found there. At the time, the Dallas police did nothing about such crimes. He was a violent man and a chronic alcoholic. Long before I came out, I didn't speak to him for the last 15 years of his life. Lest you think that was harsh, I kept tabs on him through others, and as best I could tell, he changed not one iota.

I want nothing from him, and I claim no tie to him. I reject everything about him, including his name. I will never forgive him.

So the name I'm going to use is 'Paula' + my great Aunt Minnie's first and last name. She was a woman I loved and admired, and I hope that I'm even a fraction of the woman she was. She helped rear me and my sister. She helped dozens of others in our family. She was loved by all - a saintly yet surprisingly practical and humble woman. I think my vanity would slightly bemuse her...

I won't be the woman she was, I already know that. But I am going to try my best to be anyway, and that's the point.

[becky77]

Well I can't argue with that reasoning. I understand fully.

[Karen62]

Paula, I initially was going to wish you congratulations for becoming a new woman today, but then I realized you have been who you are for some time now. All today 's name change amounted to was changing the sccribbling on some documents. You are still you.

And congratulations for that.

Hugs,

Karen

[PaulaQ]

Thanks everyone! The judge granted my name and gender marker change, and I've applied for an updated driver's license and social security card. Now I only have about 50 or so more things to update...

I cried a little tonight as the enormity of this hit me. Nothing about me changed today, but finally my documentation will reflect my true identity. Changing all of it will be a hassle - but my double life, carrying around identification that no longer even resembles me, having to use my birth name for certain transactions, my true name for others, will soon be a thing of the past.

No longer do I have to needlessly out myself when I use a credit card, or write a check.

It just feels really good to finally be acknowledged as a woman by the state in which I live.

I'll call the kids in the morning.

[Michelle789]

Congratulations on this huge milestone. It must feel really great!!!

[Persephone]

I cried a little tonight as the enormity of this hit me. Nothing about me changed today, but finally my documentation will reflect my true identity.

Isn't it the strangest feeling? Here in L.A. I didn't even seee the judge. They called me into the courtroom and handed me the signed and stamped order. When I took it downstairs they gave me a plain paper copy. After all of the court costs and fees I still had to pay for the first certified copy!

Congratulations and hugs,
Persephone.

[PretzelGirl]

Paula, it was probably the single thing that hit me the most. Kind of the "I am there" moment. Congratulations and good luck!

[traci_k]

Congratulations Paula. I'm so happy for you for how far you've gone since we first made contact.

Hugs,