Claire wimps out --- Grrr!!

[Claire Cook]

I don’t usually rant, but something happened to me yesterday that was embarrassing, infuriating and frustrating. So I am ranting .

This is a followup to my post of yesterday about my doctor’s office visit, but since this is on a different theme, I’m starting another post. (I hope the mod’s are OK with this.) As posted yesterday, I was underdressed for my physical. As left, the receptionist reminded me that I had an audiology appointment the next day. I replied that I thanked her and Claire would be there for the appointment. The female audiologists and assistants there have been great working with Claire.

So Claire shows up yesterday. I sign in as Claire and say hi to the receptionist. Then the guy who runs the audiology department booms out “Mr. Cook”, and repeats this with my male name, in full hearing of everyone in the waiting room. Claire’s first mistake: I didn’t correct him. Now I’ve dealt with this guy before both en drab and en femme, and he gives off full macho airs. In fact the guy is, pardon the unfeminine phrase, a real p***k with the bedside manners of a bully. So he spends less than 10 minutes checking out my hearing aids and replacing a few thingy bits (I wonder how much time he billed Medicare…) and then pointedly and repeatedly refers to me with masculine pronouns to his assistant. I was so taken aback by this – and I must say cowed by his manner – that I did not correct him. So I am P.O’d about two things – his lack of courtesy and respect and my own lack of chutzpah in not facing up to him. Maybe this is one downside to dressing – my femme side gets in the way of standing up for myself.

I’m sure that some of you – especially those who are transitioning or are full-time – have had similar experiences, and I hope you had the guts that I did not have in responding to them. This is the first time this has happened to me – under other circumstances (my dentist, my first mammogram) I’m treated fully as my presenting gender – and I know the next time I’ll stand up to this guy. Maybe I’ll file some sort of complaint. Too bad Florida does not have some sort form about respect for transgenders. Anyway, I’m still PO’d about my wimping out.

Thus endeth the rant.

[Rogina B]

He was enjoying his power and you should enjoy changing hearing aid specialists..Your power over him!

[Rhonda Darling]

Claire:

You say he runs the audiology dept. Is he a manager, or the owner? If a manager, that means he works for someone else. If so, then find out what the patient treatment policy is and write a complaint to the top dog, or the dir. of human resources, or the marketing director, or all of the above. Look into the HIPA Act requirements about patient confidentiality. Calling your name out like that may be a violation. In other words, stir the pot for this fool and make his life miserable. Demand an apology.

Good luck.
Rhonda

[kimdl93]

Let the audiology company know that you were treated rudely.

[Claire Cook]

Thanks all for the encouragement and advice -- for a change I'm on the receiving end and I really appreciate this. My wife isn't sure that I should push on this, or if I do so, whether I can do so anonymously.

He was enjoying his power and you should enjoy changing hearing aid specialists..Your power over him!

Rogina, great suggestion but that won't help others -- of whatever gender -- who probably have to deal with this guy as well.

Claire:

You say he runs the audiology dept. Is he a manager, or the owner? If a manager, that means he works for someone else. If so, then find out what the patient treatment policy is and write a complaint to the top dog, or the dir. of human resources, or the marketing director, or all of the above. Look into the HIPA Act requirements about patient confidentiality. Calling your name out like that may be a violation. In other words, stir the pot for this fool and make his life miserable. Demand an apology.

Good luck.
Rhonda

Rhonda, he is the owner and the boss of the department. I'd have to check who his superior would be at the facility. I need to think about this.

Let the audiology company know that you were treated rudely.

Kim, thanks, this is something I definitely will do.

[AllieSF]

Yes, I agree that contacting someone above him is the proper route that will probably give better results. If he is his own boss, he still needs referrals and by complaining to the referring doctor or medical facility and asking them to keep you up to date regarding what they do puts additional pressure on them and him to correct his poor ways. I can understand one side of the issue. You sign in as Claire with your personal file in your male name. If someone is calling for a patient to leave the waiting area to go to an exam room, they may not know how you are presenting that time if, as I understand what you wrote, you go one time in male mode and another time in female mode. There is no reason why the receptionist cannot put a yellow post-it note on the top of the file referring to what your name is today based on how you are presenting today. Since they may or may not have other transgender clients they may need your assistance, recommendations, as to how to deal with your varying gender presentation. Good luck next time, and maybe a nice professional and calm conversation with the offending medical provider may be in order when you see him again.

[CD_DIANE]

Confronting him would have been a bad move, but ... If he is an OWNER, he won't have the business for long, AND if he is an employee... you go girl !

Diane

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Don't feel bad about it Claire, you were in a difficult situation and I believe he consciously bullied you. You could legitimately write a letter of complaint, or you could wait till the next time he does it and yell, "You told me you were attracted to me, and now I'm just 'Mr Cook' again? What kind of man treats a girl that way?"

[charlenesomeone]

Claire I feel for you. This seems a case of someone pushing their agenda. Do you feel he is
even receptive to learning anything? The Doctor patient relationship is different than correcting say a
food server or bartender. But that doesn't excuse his bad manners. You are still the better person,
and rant anytime.
Hugs

[Claire Cook]

I can understand one side of the issue. You sign in as Claire with your personal file in your male name. If someone is calling for a patient to leave the waiting area to go to an exam room, they may not know how you are presenting that time if, as I understand what you wrote, you go one time in male mode and another time in female mode. There is no reason why the receptionist cannot put a yellow post-it note on the top of the file referring to what your name is today based on how you are presenting today. Since they may or may not have other transgender clients they may need your assistance, recommendations, as to how to deal with your varying gender presentation. Good luck next time, and maybe a nice professional and calm conversation with the offending medical provider may be in order when you see him again.

Again, thank you all for your suggestions and support. I've been thinking about this, and Allie, you are dead on here. Unless the receptionist had added a sticky note to the effect that "this person prefers to be treated as female", there's no way he could have known I was dressed. (Although he has worked with Claire before and maybe should have recognized me?) I'm by nature non-confrontational, and probably what I'll do is go to my next appointment with him in drab, but state that it is just common courtesy to address someone in the gender in which they are presenting. Then again I just might say to the powers that be that the female audiologists there treat their patients (including transgendered ones) much better ...

While I was upset after this incident, it really helped to go to my favorite consignment boutique afterwards and talk with my girl friends there (not about this, but just girl stuff ). Interestingly, there was a person in drab there buying a skirt. I looked at it and said "that's a really pretty skirt." S/he looked up and asked "Are you T?" A big smile and we chatted a bit outside.

[Rogina B]

(Although he has worked with Claire before and maybe should have recognized me?) I'm by nature non-confrontational, and probably what I'll do is go to my next appointment with him in drab, but state that it is just common courtesy to address someone in the gender in which they are presenting.

THAT is a step backwards,a huge one! All that will do is further his idea that he doesn't need to respect your presentation or "Transgender mindset"..."Please call me Claire as that will be my name when I change my male one" How difficult is that??? It is none of his business that you won't change it in the near future,none. But it shows that you are serious in your feminine presentation and the psyche behind it. Waffling back and forth with no serious assertion is why TS girls feel that part timer don't live it and face up to the challenges of being T in the mainstream world.If you are serious as to wanting to be seen as Claire,you will correct that hearing aid Doctor and not waffle. Sure it is my opinion,but it comes from being out there every day.

[CD_DIANE]

I would agree with Allie, that the first reaction was one of surprise, BUT as a PROFESSIONAL he should have been respectful immediately after that. From what you said, he continued to use the incorrect pronoun when addressing you. The only thing I can imply from that is contempt.

Diane

[Claire Cook]

Hi Rogina,

If I were considering going full-time, or most of the time, I'd completely agree with you. I admire the fact you are Rogina most of the time, and how you have gone about it. If circumstances allowed it, I'd probably be Claire most if not all of the time*. But even though Claire is always inside me, that's not where I'm going. I wouldn't call it waffling back and forth -- it's presenting as female when I want to, and male when I want to or have to. No, I don't consider myself to be TS, and I probably can't appreciate the challenges that TS women go through, as much as I admire what they have done. I hope they don't think less of us for that. In any case this experience has given me a glimpse of what you and others have had to deal with.

*My wife is the biggest thing in my life. Being Claire most of the time would compromise that, and as much as she supports me, I'm unwilling to go there.

[Rogina B]

That is all good,Claire. However,realistically,you can't get upset if someone uses your male name because you haven't said otherwise.As I mentioned,it is very easy to correct them without alienating them.

[Claire Cook]

Thanks Rogina, I'll remember that.