Hi everybody.
Sorry for being absent. A few things got in the way of being here, mainly a depression triggered by arguing with my parents about coming out to the rest of the family, friends and etc.
Other than feeling miserable a lot of the time, it wasn't all completely bad, and I wanted to share with you some firsts that happened.
-First time legally recognized as a woman. I had to take care of something at a local bank, and they needed to add me to their database. The clerk asked for my ID, typed in my birth name, so that is still there, but then he asked me my gender. Since Uruguayan IDs have no gender marker, I said female. Yay! A whole bunch of computers in some data center think of me as a woman! (Yeah, there are two ways to read that last sentence, take your mind off the gutter). I know this is a very small victory compared to changes on your birth certificate, but it's the first for me!
- For the first time I took a quick glance at myself walking past a mirror, and my brain interpreted that person as a woman. Just that split second, but it was me.
- In contrast to the previous one, there was also the first time I experienced physical disforia. My story is quite different from that of what feels like the majority. It may be related to the fact that I repressed all of this while at the same time being educated as a feminist, but for me being transsexual had never been about the body (as I got to accept the beauty of women of all shapes, not confirming to the media's idea of femininity), but about the mind, and being socially recognized as a woman. Still, a couple of weeks ago, in the restroom, panties down, I felt repulsed by my penis for the first time. Disgusted by it, and for the first time I didn't recognize it as mine.
- First time going to the beach since I transitioned. I was avoiding that, it was one of the most difficult things for me, because, regardless of what I said on the previous paragraph I am very selfconscious about my body in little clothing, and worried about the consequences of not passing in a Brazilian beach, but a friend came over wanting to go to the beach, so I bought a one piece swimming suit and got really willing to go. Unfortunately the night before we got drunk (I've been almost alcohol free for months, so I got drunk much faster than I thought I would) and the hangover kept me home, so we had to postpone, but I will go soon. It also got me confident enough to wear some shorts.
- First time thinking about suicide. No, I'm not thinking of killing myself, but I managed to admit it was a possibility, and that had I not had the ovaries to do what I have done, the other option would have been suicide. There was no way to keep living as a man.
- Today I got an email from my parents. For the first time they addressed me as "querida hija" (dear daughter). I still can't stop crying. I had to come and share this happiness with you.
Lallie
