Telling family and friends

[ringo]

As i told in my introduction, i told my GF and my bestfriend about my dressing. But i would to know (from those who have went full out of the closet) how do you tell your family ? Other friend you may be a little bit less confident with ? Of course people are different, but i am a bit tired of hiding but i am also scared to tell other person though it's something i already did. I think parents know more about their children that they may seem to. For example my brother told me my mum knew for years i was smoking but she never told something. So i think it could be possible she has a little clue of what's going on since a long time. But still, i have this feeling that keep my mouth shut. How did you manage to it ? when is the right time ? how did you got over the feeling of fear ?

(i didn't see those kind of question in the threads but if it exists, i apologize for writing a new one)

Ringo

[kimdl93]

Before telling anyone else, take a good long while thinking about where you want to go with your dressing and how openly you want to live as transgendered person )this may well change over time). The answers to these questions will hep you decide who you want to know and how you want to discuss it with them. If you want to live openly, then it's a matter of planning your emergence and planning who and how to tell.

[paola_gemi]

How did your GF and friend react?, are you still with your GF?
I am kind of in the same situation, but I can share how everything has evolve with time. I guess you do get tired of hiding, but on the other hand there is reason to assume that your family has a clue of your secrets. It is true that some mothers have that sixth sense to get what a child is like. But it really depende on how you have always behave, or if you aver gave your parents any indication that you were different.
In my case, I do not think that anyone in my family would have any idea. All the opposite, that would be the very last thing they would think.
My GF would probable suspect something only because one time I told her something about me, but it was more guided towards being gay or Bi, but she doesn't ask, I think she doesn't want find out.

I think that as long as you are not 100% or closed to 100% sure of what you are and what you feel, there will never be a right time to tell anybody.
Since I was about 11 or 12, I knew I had inclinations. At that age I never consider my self gay, but I knew I had some attraction for some boys, as I grew some feelings started to change, when I was about 15 or 16 I think was the first time I put on a skirt and a pair of heels. I remember liking the feeling, and when ever I had a chance I would do it again. I only did it a few times at that stage in my life.
But I would still not define my self as CD or trans, I was still a teen with all the hormones all over the place, so I would get confused because I was attracted to gird too.
However, in my early twenties I would look at my face and try to find feminine features, I would pluck my eyebrows and sometimes do some highlights in my hair, but all very discreetly so it was not noticeable but enough for me to feel some how feminine or pretty.
But I was still thinking that I was bi or gay. Years later in my early thirties, was when I started accepting that I was homosexual, and keep telling my self that and try to accept it. It took years for me to realize that I was not heterosexual, or at leafs that is what I thought. Until later while at the time I was living with my GF, I started to get the urge to dress up again.
I would thane the chance when my GF went away to visit family and I went out to buy clothes and shoes, meme up etc. and every chance I got I dressed up.
The point of all this, in regards to your situation is, that things will continue to change. As time passes by, you will continue to know your self more and more, and therefore you will continue to accept what you are and what you feel.

At this point I am still in the closet, even with my GF, but lately I have beginning to embrace the possibility to come out. I am not sure If I will or when I would do it.
But like I said in the beginning, as I keep accepting my self, I think It will be easer to accept the fact that at some point I have to come out, because you do get tired of hiding and not being who you are.

There is not really a right time. It may be right time for you for maybe not for your family, and at that moment they could react in different ways, but no one knows.
I think that the best time to do it is when you are absolutely sure to accept the possible consequences, because that is what I am working on.
When I think about it, I think what other people would say about me or how they would reject me or call me names. And the more I think about it, the more I am convinced that I shouldn't care whet they think, starting with friends, but with family is some how the same, with the difference that it is a bit more scary, because they are your blood, and you do care more that they accept you.

But at the end, the important one is you, the most important thing is what you feel, and telling friends and family I am sure is the hardest thing, but only you have the power to take that step and find out.
I think that one thing will be for sure, when you do it people will see you differently do not expect them to see the same Ringo they have always known.

Good luck,


Paola.

[ringo]

Kim, thanks for your answer. I'll think about it even though i may have been thinking about it unconsciously. I realize that i am afraid of not matching their expectations. They're not the kind of parents to have severe rules. They're open minded. I am afraid that at a moment, they discover those bags full of clothes i'm not supposed to wear.

Paola, my GF was surprised, she didn't have any clue about that. But she said that i could be cute, that she didn't (and still now) have a problem with that. She said "it's okay, as long as you love me, that's all that matters" "there're plenty of boys like you in my country", not that she never saw it, but that she knew some guys liked that. She's very supportive, we went shopping (i wasn't dressed), she did my make up and took photos, we went to karaoke and rent some disguises.

I have told my bestfriend at party at his house. We often meet at his place to have a night with a bottle of alcohol just the two of us and talk about various topics (anything from science, politics, life, movies, video games etc...). One night i was a little bit drunk so i felt like telling him. We were talking about gay marriage, and somehow the conversation went on me explaining what crossdressers do and how they feel. I explained it very clearly so he would not be thinking about wrong things. Then i told him. He was surprised, he told me he never thought of that, never for me. But he said he was cool with it, that this wouldn't change who i am and he was very glad to be the trustworthy person i needed to talk to (at this moment, my GF didn't knew). He told me to come out to my GF. Since then, we don't talk too much about it but sometimes i explain what i did with my girlfriend and he listens carefully, just as if i was speaking about sports or anything else.

I know the feeling changed in me. When i really started to dress, it was, at the beginning, more like a sexual thing. But as time passed, it was more about the clothes, the feeling they got me, and that they pleased my feminine side. It's who i am but as i said, i'm afraid of not being the son my parents wanted me to be. i don't want to disappoint them even though i'm more and more accepting my self as i really am. That's a paradox. I can't even imagine my brother being told about this. Maybe my mom has a clue, i wasn't really aware of how to fold clothes or how they were tided. I forgot to close the door of her bedroom... things like that. As you said, i need to be 100% sure of who i am. And at this moment, this isn't really clear. But i thought it would be soon because i already told my bestfriend and GF, i thought it would become easier as more and more people know. However that's not true, not for me.

[Jorja]

First let me say, think long and hard about coming out to someone. Once you let that cat out of the bag, you can't put it back in. Second, does this person really need to know? If you have made up your mind to tell then just do it. Sally, I am transgendered and you might see me wearing women's clothing from time to time. Am I gay? No or yes, whichever is applicable. There is no magic phrase or good time to do it. I would suggest you pull this person off to the side, go for a walk, ask to speak to them alone. Keep in mind, not everyone is going to take this news calmly. Not everyone will support you. You can't help that. At least you have told them and it is out. Move on and enjoy life with those that do support you.

[Rachelakld]

My mum did some washing for me when I came home from Base for the weekend, and she asked who's was the girls clothes, I told her they were mine. She replied "ok but don't tell your dad". That was a few decades ago now.
Last year while visiting my dad, I asked if it was okay to wear leggings around his house, he replied "ya, what ever makes you comfortable" so girls leggings and female sports top during my visit.
My sister I told when I had a one on one lunch with her, showed her my photos, she replied "so your still you and that's cool" - she probably mentioned it to her hubby (who always used to joke about me being girly) and a few weeks later I got a lovely email from their kids. My sister and I have always been very close.

Not all families are as supportive.

I haven't told any friends, but most my neighbours have seen me dressed, although I do know them all and we tend to look after each other.

[Dianne S]

Here are my thoughts. First, I think it's highly unlikely your mother suspects you crossdress. This is simply not something that's on most people's radars.

You ask: "When is the right time?" Well, that's really up to you. However, I would not reveal to anyone unless you really think that person needs to know. I have come out to my family, but that was only after I realized I was transgendered and wanted to transition and was not "just" a crossdresser. Prior to that, there was no need for them to know.

You ask: "How did you get over the feeling of fear?" Again, it depends on your family. I was pretty nervous, but I come from a very stable and loving family and was confident I would not be rejected. So I just told my story as calmly and matter-of-factly as I could and it was fine. It gets way easier the more people you tell.

[ringo]

You're all right. For the moment, i don't need to tell them, this will not affect the life i have. But i would like to be free to crossdress whenever i want and not to hide my clothes. I get your point, i don't know how my family will react if i tell them, that's why i posted this. That's a hard topic as not all the families are the same. So i really have to think about it, i'll take the time. Thanks you for your answers.

About my mom knowing, whenever there's a film about or with crossdressers, she asks me what i think about all that. I don't remember her asking such things to my brother. sometimes she watches a fashion program and ask for my opinion. I'm not saying this is a sign or anything else, but to me that's a bit peculiar.

Anyway, your answers and advices are really precious to me as i don't really know how to deal with dressing. Knowing there are people who lived those things and support others really reassure me. Thanks you

[Kate Simmons]

Since I'm former Army Intel, I tell others on a "need to know" basis. That being the case, very few people, including relatives, have a "need to know".

[paola_gemi]

I am new to this site, anyone know if tis has a live chat? or a PM?

[Jorja]

No, sorry Paola_gemi, no live chat. There is a PM system though but you will need 10 posts first.

[Kelley Anne]

I first came out as bi to my roommates, who I'd been friends with forever, and they were cool with it. Then I discovered I was a crossdresser and one was supporting but the other just said I'm a weirdo and mostly ignores it.
I then told my mother, who is kinda ok with it. I just recently told my very religious father (I was scared sh*tless) and wasn't happy but said he still loved me. At work just about everyone is ok with my crossdressing and the girls keep encouraging me to go girlyer.
I've never had a negative experience coming out, everyone has been accepting to tolerant. But YMMV.

[pamela7]

discretion is the better part of valour, only those truly worthy of trust should be "in", and even then, "need to know", i feel, more for the protection of others.

Feels to me a bit like "batman" - wear a mask / hide identity in order to protect loved ones.

I would not worry for myself, but I'm not the only person whose reputation is affected by my actions and the words of others.

[ringo]

Kate, that's a good idea to somehow classify. Is it going well for you ?

[ringo]

Kelley, I'm sorry for your friend :/ But fortunately other persons accepted you. Do your family/friends want to see you dressed ?

Pamela, you made a point i didn't think about, thanks you. That's good to know, i'll keep that in mind !