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Silver Member
As Kaitlyn described,a trip down memory lane is a tough one to handle.What could have been and should have been and might have been is a hard record to play.I know the feeling and all the while you realize that you are a person with no country and few offers.It is tough to never look back. But there is only so much energy to go around and it needs to be spent on forward motion.It doesn't seem to me Paula that it really matters what state you are in as you work remotely..I would find a new place far from your old..
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@Cindy - thanks for the info on the VA - got it!
@Rogina - Just to clarify, I don't live in Oklahoma anymore. I have this observatory that I gave to my wife in the divorce, with the understanding that I'd help her sell it, giving her the proceeds. It's in the front yard of her home there. (Well, it was our home.) I tried to sell it without going back there - I wanted to just walk away and never go back. Unfortunately, there is maintenance that is going to have to be done before it can be sold. So I am keeping to my word, even though that means going back to my old home. We stayed at my old home, uncomfortable though that was emotionally, because it was frankly safer than trying to stay in any of the few local hotels here. My ex was nowhere around while we were there. We didn't see her, and this was deliberate and agreed on upfront. (This also hurts. That she can't even look at me, or speak to me by voice, is kind of painful.)
I am somewhat guilty of reinventing my life here in Dallas, where I lived for many years before I lived in Oklahoma. Yeah, some of that is hard too, and believe me, I've thought about moving anywhere else once my obligations with my ex are completed. (We had a home here in Dallas that I needed to sell too, and it was just easier to do that if I lived in the area.) There are a few things now that are keeping me here - I don't know if they'd be enough to keep me here forever. I have a boyfriend now, he works in law enforcement in the community. Maybe he wouldn't want to leave. I am pretty active in the Dallas trans community, so at least for a time I imagine I'll stay here and help with that. Two years from now though, who can say? The temptation to simply go elsewhere is pretty powerful at times. I certainly have no love anymore for the Dallas area, or for this part of the country either, for that matter.
The desire to simply disappear into the cis hetero community is pretty powerful. However, I feel a sense of obligation to stand up, and to make a difference. To be out, and visible, so that others see that they aren't alone, and they can survive transition. So far, that sense of purpose is winning out over having an anonymous, and pleasant life.
As for giving up astronomy - it's not a very practical hobby for someone who's probably better off living in a city. It's a part of my old life that I'm just fine with walking away from, especially since I'm having to out myself all over the place in that community. But mostly, after having built sort of a lifetime dream setup, and then losing it, I just don't have the heart for it anymore.
edit: I decided to include a picture of my old home in Oklahoma, so you could see the place I left behind:
Frozen House South Small.jpg
Last edited by PaulaQ; 02-10-2015 at 05:28 PM.
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Member
Dam that is nice i see why you would be up set. But dont be to hard on your self yes its a loss but its just stuff. Stuff can be replaced, look at it this way its not starting over. Its starting anew. A new u and a new beginning on new stuff fun all over leave all the outher be hind have fun.
Love cindy
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