Looking for some advice

[Skylarlynn40]

Hey everyone, been awhile since I posted here. I recently had an in depth discussion with my wife regarding my feelings on crossdressing. This was not the first time I had brought the topic up with my wife. I had brought it up in college before we were married several years ago and she seemed to brush it aside with little thought. To my dismay, it didn't go anywhere and my wife seemed distraught. I really didn't want to bring it up again. Recently however, I was having an extended pink fog moment and feeling the need to dress. My wife could tell something was bothering me. I tried to avoid the conversation but a rush of built up emotion came pouring out and I explained everything related to my need to crossdress including how I feel it is a part of my person. She cried, said she that she had a bunch of worries. To spare all the details, we had a long conversation, there was a lot of give and take, we both had a good cry, and I feel like we somehow became closer after the whole conversation. As of right now, she appears to acknowledge that I have crossdressing as a part of me and that she doesn't want to hurt me because she loves me and for that I am so incredibly grateful. The biggest question she asked me was what I intend to do? Honestly, I told her that I would like her to go shopping with me for some clothes. I would like to gather enough clothes to dress completely but that is not something I have told my wife yet. This is where I really need advice. Does anyone have any ideas of ways to advance slowly with dressing so as not to overwhelm a spouse? Perhaps what articles of clothing I can look to buy, or things we can do together? I am hoping with her possibly contributing, she will become more familiar and this will help ease some of her fears.

[Jackie F]

I have no advise.
Seems like we are living the same life so I wish you better luck than I have had.

[KlaireLarnia]

From my own experience I would look for items which are female versions of the male items you would otherwise wear. Trousers/Jeans are one of the best places to start as apart from the zip/button being on the "other" side there is little difference if you get standard designed trousers (and not bootcut/flared/skinny etc). Boyfriend trousers are great as they are designed to look similar to men's. 99% of people would not realise you are wearing women's jeans unless they look VERY closely!

If you wear formal shirts you can also use these as well. Again the button issue exists but many women's shirts have collars and can be worn the same way as men's with ties if needs. Just keep an eye on the colour and avoid any semi-transparent ones (chiffon etc) or satin for a while as they are obvious give-aways. There is also a trend in the UK for Henley styled necklines at the moment and these are very wearable as men with a little courage and do look good on us. My wife is very happy with me wearing them (See here)T-shirts are a little trickier but can be worn again with a little though and looking for ones with round and not scoop (deep rounded) necklines.

Socks can be worn as again they will fit male feet but go for simple colours at first.

A lot of jumpers are now boyfriend style as well - these are the pain v-neck or round neck ones (such as This one )


I wear a full womens wardrobe daily and it took me around 2 years to move from male to female clothes. I now wear them at work, home, out shopping with my wife etc. There is never a day I do not wear women's clothes. Also perhaps look at my blog below as I review clothes I get and give a perspective for wearing them as a male and how an item can or cannot be used. It may give you some ideas as well.

[Allsteamedup]

There is no softly-softly way in to this. Your wife is not stupid so why treat her that way.

You have explained that you want to dress and you would prefer to go shopping with her. What you need to figure out is what items you are shopping for. Apart from her helping you with sizing you have to choose your own style.

The biggest sticking points are wigs and make-up and forms. Why? Well, you said you want to dress. She would not immediately understand the acquisition of the rest because in her eyes that makes you another person.

Lots more explaining to do I am afraid. Don't let her feel that she is being led down a path....

[giuseppina]

I think now isn't the right time to go shopping or your wife may feel like her toes are being stepped on. A better idea would be to resolve the dressing issues, with or without a duly qualified and licensed marriage counsellor, social worker or other equivalent or more highly qualified individual. Personally, I think one or two sessions with a professional may save a lot of heartache and conflict between the two of you.

[Rachelakld]

I started with wearing plain black leggings (like girls at the gym, or male dancers - soooo technically they are unisex - just saying) in the winter to "keep my legs warm"
but be aware, now I wear skirts and dresses even when the kids are home, like right now with one nosey one is reading over my shoulder

[Jenniferathome]

Skylar, I am an advocate against the slow leak. It won't work. You may think it is something slow and gradual and she is thinking it is gradually getting "worse." Whatever reservations one has about anything, if that thing is gradually becoming "more", the reservations will become "more." Ain't no cure for this except and all out conversation. Don;t fool yourself.

Talk to her. You will likely have to start every conversation with, "I'm not gay and I don't want a sex change, but..." Even to this day, 4 years after coming out to my wife and while she is totally accepting, I still throw out a random, "Still no gay sweetie." or "I still like my junk."

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Skylar,
Def. go slow, I mean don't make CDing your only topic of conversation with her.
As far as getting her to accept your interests, while out and about, or even watching TV make some comments on peoples outfits, like... "That looks good", or "that looks bad, what are they thinking?". "That would look better if it were worn with something else". Just enough to let your wife know that your thinking about women's clothing. When she becomes a bit comfortable hearing these comments step it up a bit and make some comment like "I would look good in that", or even "I have, or want, a top just like that". Keep it kinda light hearted and sorta comical if possible. Laughing about it will go a long way towards keeping it from becoming a serious issue.
I asked my SO to go shopping also, we went to the mall together. She went about looking for clothes for herself, I would follow and comment on things she liked and show her something that I liked. Eventually I would be off to browse on my own. She would pick out a few items she liked, and I would do the same. We would give each other an opinion of each others choices, and if there was something we both could agree on, she would try it on, and model it for me. We did the same thing at some thrift stores. It was a great way to share, get to know our tastes in clothing, and it took that strange feeling out of being a guy shopping for women's clothes.
Much Love,
Kristyn

[Jackie7]

If she will agree to go shopping with you, make it a fun adventure for her. Get her style advice on everything, and offer your sharp eye to her, if she will allow it. And make sure she comes home with more new stuff for her than you get for yourself.

This isn't for everyone, but sometimes I will spot on the discount racks a pair of dresses in our sizes (I'm generally 1x to fit my chest, she's more often 2x on account of her generous womanly hips), and we can assemble Twinsie outfits. Dressing alike was never a hot button for me, but my wife discovered she likes it and has fun with it, so I've made it my own too. I don't mean to suggest twinsies for you, but rather to suggest that you pay attention to her remarks and comments, and whatever/whenever she responds positively to something, swallow any resistance you might feel and go there with her.

[Jaylyn]

Make sure she knows that you are just wanting to CD with her and you are not out to leave or embarrass her in any way. I believe reassurance is important to the ladies. Seems my wife is like that anyway. I also have stated on here several times that remember the women married most of us to be their husband and to be the man in their lives. My wife loves that I have become more compassionate since getting in touch with my female side. She says I'm easier to live with, ( I never knew I was that hard to live with) but she enjoys my tenderness at times and my manliness at times. I feel that there is room for both in a marriage. Where we get into trouble is being too much one way or the highway type personalities. Give and take but always keep that first love for her in the fore front. As for as her contributing that may happen or not. Take it slow and roll with her slow acceptance of a new and more caring and loving guy for her wether you are wearing a skirt or not.

[NicoleScott]

... I explained everything related to my need to crossdress including how I feel it is a part of my person. ..........The biggest question she asked me was what I intend to do? Honestly, I told her that I would like her to go shopping with me for some clothes. I would like to gather enough clothes to dress completely but that is not something I have told my wife yet.

Something's wrong here. You explained everything related to your need to crossdress but you held back telling her about your desire to dress completely.

I'm not an advocate of "everyone must tell and do it now", but when the time comes and you make the decision to tell, I think you should tell all there is to tell (but there are some who honestly don't know where it's going. You can still tell all you know at the time). Anyway, when she figures out that your need to wear one thing becomes two, then a few, then more, then completely dressed, then makeup and wigs, then going out..... she will know she's been manipulated. The strategy of "slow walk to full truth" (or as others put it "go slowly and give her time") is not a good strategy, as it doesn't give her that important reassurance needed (right on Jaylyn).

I think you should also recognize that her acceptance doesn't mean that she wants to participate.

[Isabella Ross]

I think you've gotten some good advice from Nicole and Jennifer. My own experience and situation tells me that the half reveal or slow reveal will only lead to mistrust and more confusion. The full reveal is difficult and will likely lead to a lot more short term angst -- but longer term, a better future lies ahead. Obviously, everyone's situation is different. The only other piece of advice that I have is that, once the cat's out of the bag, don't operate in secrecy...keep her in the loop; don't allow her to think that you're living a secret life behind her back (unless, obviously, you end up in a DADT situation).

[Stephanie47]

I've stated my opinion before on asking or compelling a wife to go shopping for fem garments. I still believe the root of this is some degree of discomfort on the part of the man on his cross dressing. Who else to have your cross dressing desires validated than by "sharing" with a wife? Going to buy a pair of panties may be considered a "fetish." Add some hosiery and it may still be considered a fetish. Add a bra, slip, dress, heels and wig/makeup and you're in another world. You talk about progressing. What do you really expect your wife to endure or accept? Have you told her you want to be fully en femme and be a girl friend for her, cook dinner together. and so on? You need to come clean with your wife and tell her exactly how far you want to take cross dressing? Fully en femme alone? In the home only? Out in the wild fully en femme? Body modification: shaving off all your body hair, growing out your nails, feminizing your hair style? You get the picture? What about your wife? When does she get the chance to say "Hey, that's enough!" I get the feeling you want to chisel away at this and ultimately get to the stage of fully en femme with no holds barred.

Decades ago I and my wife went to a Mervyn's to buy panties for me. It was a totally painful experience for my wife. She already knew I had a lot of lingerie. I was dragging her to the store to gain some validation from her of my desire to wear women's clothing. I finally realized what I was trying to do was no more than mental spousal abuse. We finally slipped into DADT which has worked well for us. You may find she gets totally revolted? Or she may welcome a girl friend. You need to tell her what you want to do with and without her.

[Kimberly Ann]

This is a very difficult issue to address....mainly because everyone is different. My SO started dressing in "comfortable"...."soft" clothing and tried to make it about comfort. I will admit that women's underwear fit his build better, but it didn't take me long to figure out that he wasn't doing it for comfort. Over time he would insist that was the reason, but once he started wearing bras...forms...dresses...make-up...wigs... I felt like I had been lied to. I am a very open person who cannot tolerate dishonesty and was very hurt by his actions. Over time I have come to realize that he hadn't yet admitted to himself that he was a cross dresser and as we have figured out transsexual. It has been a voyage of discovery for us both. I choose to believe that my spouse never intended to be dishonest with me...but instead to believe he couldn't even be completely honest with himself. I would have much preferred a frank conversation where I didn't feel lied to and misled.....but that wasn't our journey and I have since made peace with that. I feel like introducing a little at a time and going slow will only give your SO a sense that she is on a runaway train that never ends....that you are unsure of what it is you truly desire and the unknown will seem scary. If you know what you want and what you need, then full disclosure would seem to be the best policy. That's just my opinion given my experience.

[DorothyElizabeth]

While I have not had a full-time SO in the period since I discovered I like "Dressing", those semi-long-term-let's-take-it-one-day-at-a-time-and-see-where-it-takes-us relationship women have, in all cases told me they were glad that I told them everything the first time I told them anything. So I guess I (or they) are echoing what Kimberly Ann has posted.

@Kimberly Ann - Thank you, ever so much, for being here to offer your viewpoint on these things. You have no idea how much of a help you are. I wish more women would be as willing as you to get on here and set us "straight" (All puns intended.) LOL
Again, just thank you.

[Kimberly Ann]

Awe....thank you @DorothyElizabeth. I am more than happy to offer any words of wisdom that I might have learned from our trials and errors along the way. We've had plenty!!! It's not an easy road and if I can, in any way, help someone avoid the same pitfalls we have experienced...then I am more than willing.

[katarina dovic]

Hi Sky
Your wife acknowledges your need to dress and its a part of you that in its self is a good start, the advice I can give you is baby steps and yes don't overwhelm her. Start off by buying panties, and explain what wearing panties gives you such as they are comfortable and make you feel good about your self. Getting in touch with your feminine side so to speak

I recently come out to my SO to. We discussed it and I openly said what where my desires, re assure her along the way...she even did her own research on cross dressing so she could understand more for herself and not coming from me.

Hope it helps good luck x

[DorothyElizabeth]

katarina's comment about research reminded me - thereare some excellent books on the subject, too. The one that immediately comes to mind is My Husband Betty, by Helen Boyd.

[Paula_Femme]

...thereare some excellent books on the subject, too. The one that immediately comes to mind is My Husband Betty, by Helen Boyd.

That probably wouldn't be a good idea in this particular instance... see Helen's follow-up book, She's Not The Man I married: My Life With a Transgender Husband.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Hi Sky, I think the advice is always the same- take it very slow, be patient with her, keep the communication going, and don't ask her to accept too much at once. But she needs to know that you would like to crossdress completely- to tell her less is to be less than honest. Give her plenty of reassurance that crossdressing is a facet of you, not some other person she doesn't know, and that it does not mean you are about to come out as gay or start cruising bars looking for adventure.

A lot probably depends on what clothing style attracts you. If you go for the hooker-look, or lolita, you can expect her to have a fit. So be reasonable- start with maybe a long skirt and a cotton blouse, capri pants or leggings, add stockings and maybe a bra, but spread it over 6 months. I'd keep high heels, wigs and make up for next fall- and be prepared that you might reach her limit quite quickly.

Good luck!

[Kate T]

A couple of things to start with

Paula-Femme, WRT Helen Boyd and Rachel (Betty) Crowl, I dunno. A couple who clearly deeply and truly love each other and are still together. Skylar and her partner could do worse.

Kimberly Ann, I don't know if it helps but I think your belief that your SO couldn't be completely honest with himself is in all likelihood true. I can genuinely understand your SO's self denial. We are so scared of what this means to ourselves let alone to the ones that we love that honestly I believe that many of us subconsciously suppress and deny the questions that we need to ask. It is only through the love and acceptance of someone such as yourself that we end up facing those fears. So in a way, whilst it may have felt that way, no, I don't think your SO lied to you, certainly not in any deliberate way. His love and trust for you is true.

Skylar
You can and must do basically 2 things. Firstly you must communicate. You must tell her your feelings. You must tell her your fears, hopes, tell her that you love her. Secondly you MUST tell her what you wish BUT also you must listen to her if she says she isn't ready for something.
Only you can find out "what I intend to do" or as Kimberly put it, where the runaway train will end. It is possible, probably even likely that you may not work that out for some time, particularly until you have had a chance to behave and dress in a manner that is not restricted by society or peoples expectations. This, I believe, you must tell your partner. I the same breath you must tell her if you love her. Then you must let her decide, whether it is worth the risk. She may stay, she may not. However it will be her decision and that is her right.

If she decides to stay then yes take things slowly. You need to express yourself yes but you also need to take your partners feelings into consideration. My wife REALLY dislikes me wearing satin / silk nighties in bed with her. So I don't, it's not a core element of who I am, what a woman is. Look beyond the ridiculous media stereotypes and start learning about and understanding your SO's life, what she does during the day. Share the chores and responsibilities with her. Once she see's that you understand that being a woman is not about looking pretty in makeup and dresses then both she and yourself will be able to work out what you actually want.

[paola_gemi]

I thinks you have left out some of the talking. I think you should talk more to her and let her know how far you want to take this and how you would like her to be envolved.
If you already asked her to go shopping with you, just do it and play it by ear.
You will see her reactions and can act on it.

The hardest part is already accomplished, that is that she already knows.

Just be yourself.


Paola.