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Thread: Not sure where I fit in...

  1. #1
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    Not sure where I fit in...

    Hi. I'm Elle. I'm a 33 year old female, asexual, and genderqueer.

    I feel equally male and female, although I tend toward an androgynous appearance. And I have far more male tendencies and interests than I do female. My dad I think wanted a son, so I know about guns, cars, building things, plumbing, putting up drywall. I can do home repairs.

    But I was a semi professional ballet dancer for many years, and once in a while, I like to get all gussied up and get glam.

    I love music, video games, reading, writing, and recently I'm learning the cello.

    I'm currently waiting to hear from my insurance company about my breast implant removal, reduction, and reconstruction. Right now I just strap them down as best I can and I'm working on losing about 15 pounds.

    I've prattled on long enough. Can anyone tell me where I fit? I'm not TG, but mostly just because I don't want an SRS.

    Compassionate souls, I'm in need of guidance!

  2. #2
    Silver Member justmetoo's Avatar
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    Welcome, Elle! Nice to see another asexual around here! As for where you fit in... I don't know. I guess that's kind of up to you. I don't think there are hard and fast categories. Labels can be useful if they are descriptive as to who we are, but that's all. From your description it seems like you know yourself pretty well, but maybe can't find a single simple label? Maybe that's because you're not simple? There's nothing wrong with that at all!
    And you may already know, but some TG people don't want SRS, so that doesn't dictate one's TGness.
    Last edited by justmetoo; 01-22-2015 at 05:56 PM.

  3. #3
    Rachel Rachelakld's Avatar
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    Not sure either, but my 15 year old daughter and I are serious killers on the paintball field. As my 4 daughters go, she's closest to being a son. Even though she is second youngest, she is the first to get a job (well 3 actually during the holidays), will be the first to own a car if she doesn't get the motorbike.
    And unfortunately because of her can do attitude, drive to personal goals, willingness to jump out of aeroplanes, abseil etc, she has become my favourite.
    Today she got some "pineapple pants" from BooHoo or such web site and is having a serious girl moment.

    I also have a good girl friend who is probably not quite a girly as yourself (no Ballet or classical instrument).
    We're both 49, I have kids and an empty bank account, she's single, has 1 cat and travels to the States often, she wears trouses and she knows I prefer skirts.
    Neither of us fit anywhere in the normal spectrum, but both of us are having such fun, we don't want to "fit" anywhere.

    What's my point, don't worry about FITTING a label to yourself, just be yourself, let others worry about the label
    See all my photos, read many stories of my outings and my early days at
    http://rachelsauckland.blogspot.co.nz

  4. #4
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
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    Hi Elle. Sounds like you fit in just fine. Lots of us are somewhere in between...and you should feel right at home. Just be who you are and worry not about how to classify yourself, unless somehow having a label makes you feel better. Gender queer has a nice ring to it.

    Easy come, easy go;
    Easy left me long ago...

  5. #5
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    Hey Bitsy, nice to meet you.

    Firstly welcome to the forum. Unfortunately we don't have many FTM's on here but there are a few.

    I agree with Rachel, don't sweat it too much on the label per se. For what it is worth, very few FTM TS actually pursue "bottom" surgery for a variety of reasons, they certainly don't consider themselves any "less" TG or TS because of that.

    It probably tends to mostly come down to what you are comfortable with. It is probably a little easier for an FTM to live a "genderqueer" or bigendered style life than for an MTF. It is probably going to come down to are you happy with yourself and what you are currently doing?

    Personally though I think that an individual who is willing to make permanent changes to their body in order to feel more comfortable about their gender (i.e. breast removals, hormones) is generally somewhere in the "transgender spectrum" so to speak.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Nikkilovesdresses's Avatar
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    I'm not sure where you fit, but you're sure an interesting person!

    Welcome Elle.
    I used to have a short attention spa

  7. #7
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    Thanks to you all for all the kind words! I truly appreciate it!
    One quick bit of observation though, there are plenty of male ballet dancers (some of them are even straight!) And some NFL players take ballet class in the off season to become more agile and light on their huge honking feet. So I don't reconcile, in my own mind ballet as being girly. As for the cello, I've always dreamed of playing, and as soon as I can get this hunk of junk repaired, I'll go back to learning.

    I've always been Tomboy'ish. I've always preferred short hair cuts, I'm a t-shirt and jeans kid, sneakers... But damn if I don't love getting gussied up once in a while.

    I'm not considering total breast removal, but I will be a 32A if my insurance comes through for me. Otherwise I'll keep binding these juggernauts down until I can raise/save the money. My husband is a hetero asexual, so I can't cheat him out of boobs completely!

    I'm so grateful to you all for saying not to worry so much about the words. I've been so concerned.

    I'm on the AVEN page on Facebook and people there freak out all the time about the 3,628 new pronouns we're all expected to learn, read their mind, and then use. I don't personally get all whacked out over getting called sir, miss; nor does it bother me when someone flirts with me. Even my husband doesn't care. He's in on our mutual joke: flirt all you want A) She's not interested like, at all, and B) she's going home with me to play Xbox before bed. Lol

    Anyway, I'm so grateful for the warm welcome. My husband has given me the support and love to just be myself with no repercussions. So I've been exploring more and more, soul searching, self evaluating. My therapist is awesome. I see him for PTSD treatment, but he is great about giving up whole treatment sessions to help me navigate myself.

    So I'm a little insecure, but terribly excited.

    And yanno, in think genderqueer has a nice ring to it too

    Justmetoo, we're you always asexual or did it develop late in life? I'm always curious. My husband and I have both always been asexual, but we both gave it a go early in life, elemental curious teens and such. And then off course with one another. But nope. We're both asexual. I'm glad to see you too by the way, the AVEN page can be a real downer sometimes.
    Last edited by Sandra; 01-22-2015 at 12:33 PM. Reason: merged consecutive posts, please read the rules regarding multi posting

  8. #8
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    Hey Ellie

    Nice to get to know you a bit more. That is great you have and understanding spouse It is always helpful and yeah, it can be a lot of fun being the one with the secret joke on all of the flirting that goes on in our sometimes terribly sex obsessed society.

    WRT labels and your friends on AVEN. Personally I think the degree to which people get hung up about labels is directly proportional to how insecure they are with their own identity. That's the slightly harsh version. Just remember that your in a very loving relationship, you obviously are quite comfortable with who you are. You have no real need of a label. People who are trying to work out their personal identity, gender sexuality or otherwise, will tend to search for others just like them. Thus the particular concern about labels because they are searching for a way to understand themselves. Most individuals tend to grow out of labels once they establish and are comfortable with their own identity.

    Aiming for a 32A chest? Thats what I was hoping for but coming from the other direction so to speak

    Oh and by the way. Anyone who thinks Ballet is girly. Not even close. Those dancers are absolutely ripped! Seriously, I think I would consider NOT being MTF if I could have a body like them
    Last edited by Kate T; 01-22-2015 at 05:02 PM.

  9. #9
    Silver Member justmetoo's Avatar
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    I've always been asexual. I just didn't know it, partially due to lack of sexual experience, but mostly due to lack of knowledge of asexuality. And then I did try to make a go of being sexual when I was finally in a relationship several years ago. That and finding the terminology clinched it for me. It's really cool that you and your husband found each other. I love that!

  10. #10
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    Welcome Elle;
    Glad you found us. On this forum there is a little bit of everything, sort of
    from soup to nuts. LOL.
    As to where you fit in, well just about anywhere. for an example, a CD can be anyone
    wanting to wear or do things of the opposed sex. So just sit back and enjoy the forum.
    You will learn and make many new friends.
    Rader

  11. #11
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    Hi Elle,

    Maybe this will help. Take a pencil and draw a line. Mark one end of the line male the other end female. Then take the point of that pencil and place it somewhere on that line and make a dot. That is where you belong.

    You see, it doesn't matter if you want to be as beautiful as a Amanda Seyfried or Jennifer Lawrence or as masculine as a Chris Hemsworth or David Beckham. Just be yourself. Be Elle.

  12. #12
    Silver Member justmetoo's Avatar
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    It might not be a single dot on the line. Could be multiple dots and dashes. Could even be off the line. (as in coloring outside the lines?)

  13. #13
    Transman Andy66's Avatar
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    Hi, Elle. Sorry if Im a little late to the party. Welcome to the website. I am female bodied too, but otherwise I dont feel like I fit completely into any labels. Transman is hopefully fairly easy for people to understand, but genderqeer or gender fluid work too.

    Im glad you found us, and also grateful for the existence of the AVEN website. There is alot of information and food for thought there. When one of my coworkers said she was asexual, I found that website and read, rather than bombarding her with a bunch of stupid, overly personal questions. lol.

    Im happy for you that you found a partner who is on the same page as you. Apparently those are hard to find.

    I hope you will enjoy this website, and look forward to hearing more from you.
    Last edited by Andy66; 01-25-2015 at 11:56 PM.

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