After 3 years...

[Kristyn Hill]

After nearly 3 years since joining here and fully coming out to my wife there are still questions as recent as last night. I have disclosed in the past that my wife is very open to all of this and is exactly why I am posting today. I have a closet of my own with an outfit for every occasion, heels galore fully displayed on my studio/kristyn's floor, make-up setting around me right now and we still have discussions about where I am on the spectrum. I took some great advice when first joining and have let her come to me with dialogue when she wants or feels the need. She does not hammer me with this by no means but her real repetitive question is if I want to be a woman. My answer is no. Seriously, I do not want to transition into a woman. I love to depict a woman and act like one at times because I am cd/tv & probably tg but I do not want to live daily as a woman.

I am going out for my first time on Feb 5th to meet some local girls and I mentioned 2 weeks later that another outing is welcoming spouses/partners/so's. Last night, she stated she didn't know about all of "this." I quickly asked what part? I narrowed it down to her not wanting to be a part of the group outing as she does not feel comfortable. I advised she did not have to do anything she did not want and it would probably allow me to be more comfortable as well. She was relieved that I wasn't pushing for her to go. In time but not necessary.

I have let her know a few times over the last 3 years that becoming a full time woman is not on my agenda. I get lost in the pink fog at times as we all do but I mainly live in blue fog with a cloud of pink sprinkling down on me.

I write all of this to illustrate how some relationships go after coming out to your wife who is very supportive. Supportive to the point where, yesterday afternoon, we bought me lip liner and eye shadow without hesitation as I am gearing up for my first step out of the house.

My wife has not ever been mad or upset at me for this and our love has grown because of it but she does still have questions that, I assume, will always surface along the way.

Have a great day and thank you for reading,

Kristyn

[TessaOKC]

Hi Kristyn,

My wife is supportive but I am constantly suspicious. It is easy to voice support but like your story, my wife also declined to go with me to "Gurls Night Out" . I was really sad as she initially said she would go (like last year). I asked more recently and she declined, so where is the support going? I am deathly afraid of loosing her because of my transitioning and unfortunately all we can do I throw ourselves at their mercy and pray for the best to happen.

[Erika Lyne]

Kristyn,

My wife is supportive too. Supportive to the point when I was asked by my extended family what I got for X-Mas this year I had to discuise my answers: shoes (T-straps), clothes (zebra print unitard to wear on the treadmill, blouse & other tops), undies (3 bras and 5 pairs of Vicky's panties) and a set of glasses for dinner wear (Tinkerbelle). As I write this, I am dressed at home with my wife. We just had brunch, I just finished the dishes and one of our daughters is home from school because she is sick. My wife is also a member here. She has an introduction and is writing a "Thank You" for all the warm welcomes. She is nervous about posting because she doesn't want to come across wrong. She wants to learn the ins & outs of this persona we all carry. That is the positive.

She is afraid of where this might take us. She says she supports me 100% but has strict limits. We may join an actual local support group soon but I'm afraid she will act as your wife does; supportive at home. I'm really hoping we can grow into this together because as you know, this does not go away.

I'm not sure if your wife is the same as mine but my wife needs frequent proddings to keep the conversation moving. I tried letting her set the pace and for years there was no conversation. She was content NOT talking about it, NOT making advancements and acting as "If we don't talk about it, it must have gone away." Lately, I've been coaxing her to think about it, talk about it and as of this month--come out to an online support group about it (her user name here is:Purple Puppy GG). She has been more positive to advancing the conversation and more willing to talk. Her limits are still quite firm.

Just some thoughts,

Hugs.

-E

[Sissy_Michelle]

Kristyn, but mostly Tessa.

"Support" or level of support. Each person will vary depending on the person we're married to. My question is when your wife, girlfriend, significant other met you were you dressed up? Did they know that you were or are a Crossdresser? Or for that matter did they know your plans on how far you are willing to take your Crossdressing?

Chew on that for a second...

Now the contract or agreement you entered into with them did they know you wanted to turn into the opposite sex? Or the thousands of variations / levels of crossdressing in existence she knew and said she will support it? My guess is no. They did not know how far you are willing to go. They may be very happy and supportive of your hobby as long as it stays in the house, and no one knows, doesn't interfere with work. In addition her parents must not ever find out. And a metric ton more of requirements they will lay down on you. Unless you're willing to cut your losses to make these changes that they were not aware of initially. Be thankful for what they are allowing you to do. Because every time you push for more freedom, your hobby / lifestyle will push them farther away from you.

Communicate with them, don't hide anything from them, don't lie to them. If you do then there is nothing that will save you. She has copies of all your pictures. She knows everyone you know. Let them set the ground rules and stick to the rules, if you want to explore more then sit down with them and explain how much it means to you. If she says no or wishes that you wouldn't then be prepared for a no answer.

I am sorry if I sound harsh.

@--}----
Michelle

[michelleddg]

Kristyn,

This is all very tough for you and me, but it's doubly tough for our loved ones. My wife has known about Michelle for the entirety of our 33 year relationship. We spent a week in Las Vegas last year doing girly things. She's married to a manly man. Last week she walks up and asks "I have a question...do you want to be a woman?" I said "No, I'm a dude, I do what dudes do, no desire to change that." She said "OK, good. I just read an article where Bruce Jenner wants to transition, and I just wanted to be sure about you."

Hang in there! Hugs, Michelle

[Jenniferathome]

Kristyn, the "will he want to transition" question is perfectly fair and reasonable. I had this very conversation over the weekend while dining out with another couple on this forum. I related that here: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...rmal-night-out It was a girls night out. After four years of being out to my wife, she is convinced I am not gay but there is kernel of doubt about transition. I would describe that kernel as very, very small, but it's there. It may always be there. Still, I do take the time to talk to my wife and try to reassure her that, like Michelle, I am a dude. I like being a dude. It's only an occasional time that I take a break from being a dude. In the end, all we can do is talk.

[Kristyn Hill]

Tessa, gook luck on your journey transitioning. We all have your back here! Erika, Michelle and Jennifer, We are all in the same boat it sounds like. It is hard to paddle standing up wearing 5" pumps but hey, we girls can do it. I accept all of what I have written and the "kernel" of doubt will always be there on the shelf staring back at both (all) of us. I am a dude who loves being a dude with a killer high heel collection and lots of pretty things. When I am not singing in the pink fog and out in everyday life, nobody would suspect a thing. I tell my wife the numbers of us who enjoy this is much more than could ever be reported as a lot of men will never admit to themselves much less come out to a survey, poll and further, their wives/partners.

I got up this morning hoping my story could help someone else understand to give their wife latitude and allow her to discuss on her timing. I have done this but that "kernel" as Jennifer says, may always be ready to pop. Pass the butter.

I love seeing other stories exactly as mine is so this has helped me feel more comfortable knowing I have support here as well.

Love you girls!

[Melissa_Rose]

My wife is 100% supportive 85% of the time. .. the other 15% can be moments of pain, crying and hurt feelings on both our parts. I try to keep in prospective that this isn't exactly how she dreamed of her life and to not take those moments quite so personally. Sometimes she signals she wants me to be more full time and sometimes she is upset there isn't more guy me around.. it has just been a year since I fully came out to my wife. We have had our ups and downs.. I actually image those downs will occur episodically for a long time.. just as I have bad days too.. but overall I am lucky and happy to have Her involvement and support.. the occasional rough patch is so minor in the big picture of things..
What you describe Kristyn sounds pretty normal. Try to keep in mind support comes from love... but support doesn't mean it is exactly what she would have wanted.

Melsissa

[Kristyn Hill]

yes it does, Melissa. Our rough patches are minimized to her asking if I want to transition. We were in Ulta earlier buying me more make-up so I hope my story did not come off as if I was complaining. I worship the ground she walks on and did so prior to me coming out. Both of our feelings have been fortified since that day in 2012. We talk quite a lot about Kristyn it was just more on the inquisitive side last night. She is completely relieved that I do not expect her to join my group for an outing next month. I will even be nervous as this will be my first time in a public restaurant, etc.

[Stephanie Julianna]

When the subject comes up my wife asks the same question and has the same fear. "Do you want to be a woman?" I have always said 'No.", but it does worry her even after all this time since I first told her about it in 1968, three years before we married. The fact that you can both shop for girl things is pretty amazing. We never got there. We are still pretty much DADT. So take it easy with her, she's a real catch.

[kimdl93]

In reflecting on my own relationship and what I've read from others, it occurs to me that humans all have some insecurities. Certainly as transgendered people, we are hoping for reassurance that our wives/SOs are supportive to some degree. And despite the questions having been asked and answered more than once, we can expect our partners to have the same insecurities to a greater or lesser extent.

[Maria 60]

2014 is recorded as the year Maria finally went out fully dressed and it wasn't Halloween. I went out two times and as much as she is very supportive, after the second outing she put out the red light. At that point after almost thirty years that I told her, she started questioning what road Maria was planing to go. At that point I couldn't help but to point out to her from the moment I told her, she bought me fem cloths, came with me to a crossdresser store to buy a wig, bought me and showed me how to put on make up, drove around town dressed with her. So what was the difference at that point that I drove around a few nights fully dressed and never left my car and never really did anything crazy. To her it was another step forward and I believe she never would have thought the day would come when I walk out the door fully dressed. I guess her idea of my crossdressing included her and maybe didn't think it would get to that point. I didn't go out again, not just for her, but I guess I didn't see anything coming out of it besides wasting gas in my car. I believe she is accepting as long as it's within her boundaries.

[MissTee]

In my early CD days my wife would occasionally check-in on "where this was leading to." That lasted about 5 years and it's never come up again. After all these years together she has figured out my need and supports me. More to the point it is within her comfort zone.

[Kristyn Hill]

The fact that you can both shop for girl things is pretty amazing.

- I realize and cherish how lucky I am!

Great point Kim!

Maria, you haven't found a group near you so you have a direction when you go out?

You are a lucky girl too, MissTee.

[litlejohn]

I too just passed the three year mark of telling my wife and she is very supportive in what I have decided to do. She didn't know going in to our relationship and maybe I didn't know how much a part of me it was, as we married at 23 and 21. I told her after 22 yrs of marriage and she still puts up with all my other parts of being a man in addition to this little "hobby".
She hasn't hasn't asked the question in quite awhile, got me thinking. Is she satisfied with my answer or is she just preparing herself for the other shoe to drop. If she ever reads this, today my answer is the same. I have no desire to transition, I just enjoy the clothes and the presentation of being a woman.
I do wish good fortune on those who do, it has to be a tough journey.
I'm sure the answer changes for some, so the question is always valid. All we can answer is for today.

[DanaR]

It took my wife a few years to understand me, like where I was going or not going with this. I joined a Seattle group, Emerald City, in the early 1990's. They have a Christmas party every year and I invited her to go with me. She was reluctant at first, but I told her that other wives would be there too. She decided to go and had a great time. After that, she went with me to a couple of conventions; which were out of state. She doesn't do very much with me near home. The chance to running into people that we know is too great.

You might look at local groups and see if they have outings that spouses are invited to.

[Kristyn Hill]

I'm sure the answer changes for some, so the question is always valid. All we can answer is for today.

well said. LJ

Dana, as mentioned above, I am headed to meet a group in 11 days for the first time. Awesome your wife has been out with you a few times.