Wonderful dinner party.

[I Am Paula]

I was visiting my sister the last few days, and the visit included a dinner party. A few friends, and lots of wine. My sister told me beforehand that I would love Terry, as he is very attuned to his feminine side. Ok. My sister just treats me as one of the girls, so she had never mentioned to Terry (or anyone else for that matter) that I am trans.
In walked Terry, OMG, a tall, gorgeous man, stylishly androgonously dressed, and in makeup. He is both at once, strikingly handsome, and exotically beautiful. He paused during our introduction, and gave me a long once up and down, and I could see that he recognized me as trans.
We hit it off right away, he had just returned from photo safari in Africa, and he showed me his ipad photos. My impression of him (and we all have first impressions) was- very gay, effeminate man.
During dinner, amid much laughter, great stories, and the loud commeraderie that accompanies a perfect dinner party, my sister misgendered me....pregnant pause...she turned all red, and apologized to me. My transness is not a secret, but she just doesn't do that. I said, light heartedly, "OK, cat's out of the bag, I'm transgender". The conversation turned to my transition, and I answered everybody's questions, and somebody said to Terry, "What do you think of blah, blah, as a gay man"? Terry thought for a moment, and answered "Funny, I've never thought of myself as a gay man, I've only ever thought of myself as a woman, but I have never said that out loud in my entire life." Well, the conversation took a full turn. Why had he/she not transitioned? Why not present female? How did he/she deal with 63 years of being the wrong sex? It was almost weird NOT being the center of attention in a conversation about gender.
Dinner hit the five hour mark. We all became close friends, and after dessert, and yet another bottle of red, it started breaking up.
As we were saying our 'goodnights' Terry asked if we could get together some time, as he/she had a million questions. Honestly, he/she had never once talked to someone else about gender issues.
I feel honored that Terry wants to open up to me. He/she has clearly found a comfort zone, genderwise, even if it defies the binary.

Should be a fun coffee date.

N.B. I usually never use the term he/she, and I am not using it as a label here. I would hate to be called a he/she. However, I've used it as a gender neutral pronoun to describe someone so far out of the gender binary that common pronouns do not fit.

[Jennifer-GWN]

Paula;

What an lovely story to share. I can only hope that this an example of the more modern, open, and mature conversations that should be possible in general in this day and age.

Cheers... Jennifer

[arbon]

Oh that is really cool. What an interesting dinner party experience that turned out to be!

[Eringirl]

Paula, that is totally awesome! Made my day for sure! I am sure that he was pleased to have the opportunity to get to know you. Hope the future meetings go well.

Erin

[kimdl93]

Fascinating! Isn't it interesting to encounter someone who has struggled with comparable issues all these years. I wonder how the course of her life may be altered after meeting and learning from you.

[KellyJameson]

It would be interesting to know of those who transition how many before transitioning were considered effeminate by others.

The utter lack of effeminacy in my own life was one of the reasons I questioned myself as to how I could possibly be a woman.

I do not have that delicacy or refinement and no interest in aquiring it. No one would ever call be a lady, thats for sure!

I think being called a lady would actually bother me a bit. It would feel demeaning.

[Leah Lynn]

Paula, you get to meet the most interesting people and have such interesting adventures! I really must get out of Smallville!

If anyone can help this person, it would be you.

Hugs,

Leah

[PretzelGirl]

I love when a random meeting turns into a friendship and maybe some education. I am surprised too that someone could present like that and not have said it out loud or explored more. But we are each on our own paths. I bet the follow-on conversation will be interesting.

[Karen62]

It would be interesting to know of those who transition how many before transitioning were considered effeminate by others.

The perception of that may differ with self-perception vs. the perception of others. My self-perception is that I don't think, as a male, I came across as effeminite. That said, I have to wonder how others see me. My last girlfriend once told me she thought of me as a "straight gay man." I didn't know how to interpret that comment (it was not said out of spite or anger, but perhaps out of fondness). I later asked a lesbian friend of about that, and she thought about it for a moment and said, "Yes, I can see that."

Not that gay equates to effeminite, mind you, and I have never been a gay male (I'm more actually the label I always privately called myself, a male lesbian, or more correctly now, a TG lesbian), but our self-perception is often not how the rest of the world sees us. I'm going to try to remember that lesson when I get to a state where I am ready to attempt to go out en femme.

So Paula, how do we get invited to your dinner parties?

Karen

[Angela Campbell]

It would be interesting to know of those who transition how many before transitioning were considered effeminate by others.

The utter lack of effeminacy in my own life was one of the reasons I questioned myself as to how I could possibly be a woman.

.

Funny I look back and see this while at the same time remembering how hard I worked at not being found out.....noooo can't wear that pink shirt...someone might think I'm funny....so many ways I controlled it. Anyone who ever met me before tells me how much of a surprise this is.

Paula, I see this person has you intrigued, sounds like a good person to get to know!

[Rachel Smith]

Great story Paula. Enjoy your new friendship.

[charlenesomeone]

Paula wonderful dinner party, and great to meet someone new.
Have fun at coffee.
Hugs

[I Am Paula]

Re: If we all come across as effeminate. Gay, or not.
I tried my best to hide my feminine side most of the time. Apparently it did not work. When I came out, the most common responses were 'Well that was inevitable' and 'I just always assumed you were gay.' I have also seen 'before' pics of other transwomen, and no one could call them effeminate (Kristin Beck for example)

I also just let people assume I was gay, as it just made things easier. For example, if guys questioned my presentation, or behavior, I'd just say 'It's a gay thing'.

Re: My new friend Terry. I don't think that meeting me will in any way change his self perception, nor cause him to change in any way. He just wants to pick a transsexuals brains. He is the most comfortable gender non conformist I've ever met. He showed me a wonderful pic- At a company party, in a suit, wearing a tiara- and rocking it!

Re: How do you get invited to my dinner parties? It's my sister. She is a yoga teacher, and new age practitioner (Rieki, crystals etc.) of sorts I don't understand. She meets fascinating people. I always assumed these types were Birkenstock wearing earth mothers with macramé arm pit hair. Not so. They are open minded people who see that there is much more to the world around them.

As a side note. If you offer to show your cis male friends the swatches of your new curtain fabric, it's as good as coming out.

[Rianna Humble]

It would be interesting to know of those who transition how many before transitioning were considered effeminate by others.

At the risk of prolonging the side track, my case is a bit complicated. According to most people I was not considered effeminate, yet I had been told repeatedly that I would make a good mother and several friends confided in me that they looked on me like their big sister, so go figure ...

[Kimberly Kael]

It would be interesting to know of those who transition how many before transitioning were considered effeminate by others.

I never went down the overcompensation path that I've heard some describe. I was pretty overtly feminine from very early on, and I found comfort in being gendered female long before I took specific steps to present as such. When I finally did come out very few of my friends or coworkers were especially surprised. One stated that he always assumed I was gay, which an actual gay coworker of ours found mildly entertaining given how obvious my attraction to women is.

The utter lack of effeminacy in my own life was one of the reasons I questioned myself as to how I could possibly be a woman.

As it turns out, there's at best a loose connection between the two. My wife is absolutely certain of her gender but she's a total tomboy. She never questioned how she can be a woman, so why should you? I know, lifelong conditioning by everyone telling you that you're male by definition. Only it doesn't work that way.

I think being called a lady would actually bother me a bit. It would feel demeaning.

There's enough negativity aimed at women in our society that it's not surprising you'd pick up on the constant background level of condescension. It doesn't mean you need to buy into it! Women are every bit as capable of being amazing, strong, influential social beings. They don't all care about social graces, fashion, or anything else we tend to associate with the gender. Be your own woman, but be prepared for the challenges that come with the territory. Ask any woman what it's like to define yourself in the face of all those unwarranted expectations and assumptions and you'll get an earful.

[Brianna_H]

I loved reading this. Thank you, Paula. Life is so different and so much more enjoyable with people who aren't uptight about gender and sex norms! Hope things go well for your friend and that there are other awesome dinner parties in your future.

As an aside, (and I am totally not trying to tell anyone how they should talk) here's a cool link about pronouns. Trigger Warning: Political Correctness It sounds like your friend still identifies as male, but I absolutely share your hesitancy to call her/him one or the other.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

What a fascinating evening/story, thanks Paula. He sounds like a very open person, regardless of his sexuality (or however one might phrase it), and people like that are gold.

...noooo can't wear that pink shirt...someone might think I'm funny....

In France it's not at all unusual to meet an older, prosperous, otherwise totally conservative hetero (French) man who happens to be wearing yellow trousers, or a pink shirt or sweater, maybe white shoes- and they manage to present as utterly masculine. Dress like that in the UK and people are going to make only one assumption.