what am i doing moment

[Cindy J Angel]

Hi well yesterday i was out seeing a friend i haven't sean in 3 mouths. Well on the way home it was like what the hell am i doing. I dress as a woman all most aver day. And when i am out with the wife iam usually miss gendered, boy does she get pissed. So on the way home it hit me pretty hard what am i doing. Am i going too far pushing it. I know she is most likely freaking out some. Well i told my self get home take all on your clothes off thay r all womans. Man up, i was even going to grow a beard. Told my self take a brake, calm down, ease up.
Got home changed. Though i could do it (man up) well this morning did not do so good. I have been wearing sports bras. For months Now it not underdressing if i am wearing female clothes right. If i dont have it on i feel naked.
Did a little work on my car mazda miata and had to take wife to dr. So out the door looking like a girl wifes words. I have little boobs or bumps lol and u can see them. When out with her i do dress down. I try to dress neutral.
I DONT THING IAM GOING TO BE ABLE TO MAN UP.. Right back were i was screaming now. If i keep going she will not be here she all ready told me that much. She not a lesbian and she dos not went a wife. How do we get through this.
This post was supposed to be my post telling averbody i was going to take a brake i was going to stop this crazy s***. BUT i know it dont stop it naver stops naver. I see the woman in me i see her all the time Now. Dam i hate this. Help HELP. Self doubt is a bitch it hit hard yesterday i though could stop i did not even make it 6 hrs crap and that somes it up. Well i guess it back to day to day. I well talk to my dr and see if i can get back in therapy have to go through him VA. Had to get this off my chest and i still dont feel any better. This s*** suck ugh well its 3:00 and i guess i need to get some sleep Love Cindy

[Donnagirl]

Cindy,

I feel your pain... Could have written that post myself... Get that therapy, I'm all booked in next week.

Hugs,

Donna

[TessaOKC]

Hey Cindy,

Living on a bridge between two worlds must be a tough one. My wife is extremely supportive but I try to pull the hair in a pony tail and be her husband when we go out. I feel terrible that she has to deal with my transgenderism so I try to accommodate her as much as possible. I just wonder however, how much damage are we doing to ourselves in the process. Sure hope you are ok and you are definately not alone!!!!

[Persephone]

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Bria]

Cindy, I'll remember you and your wife in my prayers.

Hugs, Bria

[Rachel Smith]

I don't want to darken your day but I have gone through something similar except my wife would by me female clothes and then ask me not to wear them. When I could no longer "man up" the divorce was inevitable.

I wish I would have stopped "manning up" long before I did now. I think when we discover our gender difficulty we worry to much about others around us and not nearly enough about ourselves. Some of the best advice I received from many people, two therapists among them, was "you only get one life so live the life that makes YOU happy".

[Terri Andrews]

I think Tessa makes an excellent point when she asks "How much damage are we doing to ourselves"
I also have a very supportive spouse ,but I think she has almost reached the end of her patience and I know that I struggle to function most days that I am not being the Girl that I am .
No easy answers and as Rachel says all we want is to live the life that makes us happy.

[Eringirl]

HI Cindy. I hear ya. I have finally given up on "manning up" and am fully prepared to surrender my man card. I would second the notion that getting a therapy appointment is probably a good idea. I know that always grounds me. Like other girls here, my wife is done once I begin HRT. Really sad about that and scared about doing this by myself. But it is better than the alternative, at least for me. Just take a moment. Don't make any big decisions right now as you are in a fragile state of mind (I would guess). I think day to day is a good way to go for now, with an eye to the future and the big picture. Celebrate the very small wins, even if it is just getting through another day. And, always feel free to vent here, women are here for you, to listen and comfort as best as one can.

As Rachel and Terri comment, at some point, this has to become about your happiness. Happiness is living your life out loud, regardless of who you are, in fact BECAUSE of who you are.

Stay connected.

Erin

[MsVal]

Cindy, it sounds like you're disappointing your wife, and thereby disappointing yourself. You have a compulsion that is common to those on this forum, and common knowledge states that it is stronger than you are. That seems to be pretty dire, as though you ought to surrender your masculinity and your marriage. That day may come, but you don't seem ready for it right now.

I wonder, is there something that can be done to slow down the progress until you are ready?

Like losing weight or quitting smoking, cutting back on dressing can be very difficult, with many setbacks. They're only setbacks, not failures. To borrow a phrase from the American Cancer Association "Don't quit quitting." You were able to set it aside for five hours yesterday. I bet you can do five more again today. Can you get those five hours to coincide with time you normally spend with your wife?

Now, before anyone says that this isn't a behavior, like over eating, or an addiction, like smoking, I acknowledge the difference.

It may not be for everyone, but therapy helps me A LOT.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Cindy J Angel]

Thanks girls it was like it just hit me all of a sudden. And i did know what to do. I pretty much you know what i went to do, it gust whin can i start. All ready lossing weight quit smoking a long time ago. And taken care of my skin better. I know there no way iam going back. Only foward. Like the old navy saying dam the torpedoes full speed ahead lol. It like i went it now and i cant hqve it. Love Cindy