Hello all,
Long time reader here. Mostly hang out at the CD forum, seldom post.
Writing to share from my recent visit to see my Therapist and a few thoughts. Lately I’ve again been feeling rather blue… or should I say, been in that dark place most of us are rather familiar with. Well, I mentioned this to my therapist and her answers left me somewhat shocked, somewhere between wanting to laugh and cry at the same time.
A little background about me, I am 40 yrs old, been dressing and struggling with GD all my life on and off, are married to a lovely lady and have two wonderful little ones. Came out to my wife a couple of years ago and, after much turmoil, have reconciled the fact that I am TG and working towards figuring this thing out.
Anyhow, as my therapist and I discussed my feelings yesterday she pointed out a couple of things which rattled me. First she said, “Perhaps you are feeling trapped between moving fwd in transition and in turn hurting your family, or staying put and continuing your never ending struggle with GD” I have to admit, though this thought had not crossed my mind, she hit the nail on the head. As someone else recently put it, it is a struggle between my mind and my hearth. My mind knows what needs to be done to resolve my GD, my heart stops me from doing it. I should mention that my wife has mentioned that, while she is willing to give this a shot and try to see where it goes, she does not feel she could be in a relationship with a woman.
I also mentioned how I often feel that…. or rather, try to convince myself that I am not TS, that I can maintain things as they are, that I can man-up and overcome this thing for the sake of those I love. That I can do what I’ve done for years: dress, enjoy, feel liberated, guilt, feeling that I can overcome, put her away for a while, GD driven depression, start over. To this, knowing that I am an engineer, she said simply “you are a science person, right? “ I answered “yes” then she said “What do you call the action of doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? “ As I laughed at her wittiness, I immediately answered “it’s the definition of insanity”. Then I immediately felt as if I had just been hit with a bucket of ice water.
When I came out to my wife, I did so because I could no longer take the pain and everything else that came with keeping this in the dark. I saw a therapist soon after which helped me, and us, overcome the negativity that soon followed. Having regained her trust and love, I’ve spent the last year trying to once more convince myself that I can survive on just the occasional outing. This of course has not worked. It seems that every time I open a new door towards femininity, I can’t stop myself from wanting to open two more. Now in therapy again, these latest comments left me numb and scared. Scared because the more I look, the clearer it becomes that I’ve always known that I am TS. Numb because I feel I am at a crossroads with no clear signs or directions. And scared, once again, for my future and that of my family.
Thank you for reading…