felling normal

[GabbiSophia]

I can't say I am the best at all this trans stuff. To be honest I still find myself sitting and asking myself WTF is this and why can't I just "get over it". I guess you could say I have documented my fight pretty good up to this point. I swear though that I go back and forth mentally all the time between being ok and just moving forward no matter what and stepping back going "wait a minute. your just fine lets deal with it". I have noticed my internal monologue is a little more than normal.

Hormones have been a blessing ,(yes I am on them by a doctor and I have a therapist I see... just to answer those questions), they have allowed my brain to shut up long enough to actually enjoy life. I did have a crazy two weeks recently and still have no idea what the hell went on but brain has leveled off since. These last couple weeks though I have really started feeling normal, though I am not sure how to describe it other than I feel the same way I have my whole life, though I still think about all this gender stuff. I am confused on a daily basis though as to where I belong. People say to do what you really want and that is fine until you want multiple things. I feel like if I go to far into womanhood that I start to go a little crazy and if I try to stop the hormones, well lets not talk about the return of that mentality. So I sit in the middle scared of it. So many times I sit and realize I feel great and that the gender stuff doesn't matter then I realize I am focused on how much I don't have anything bugging me.

I find the normalcy actually difficult now for the fact that I do not know where to go. I go forward one way and get pulled the other way. My therapist and I are trying to work through it but I find I am not like most as that I like my male life. It is the mental state that I was in before the hormones that I never want to return to. So I can say with out a doubt I need the hormones as I can function again but what to do next is always on my mind. I agree that I am over analyzing all this but I can not stop it nor am I ever going to. I might be so entrenched in my male life that it is habit that I need to break or I have no clue.

I will say that the normalcy is just that normal. Nothing I have done has convinced me which way I need to go. Today is one thing and tomorrow might be another. I do know that I have to present female/ be myself? every few days to help the whole thing out but that is about it. How come there isn't a big arrow that points to " this way for all your understanding?". Also why is it that every morning is the worst for my brain?? Ok well I guess that is enough rambling about nothing...

[arbon]

No one is great at all this trans stuff.

Maybe it is better to not think of it as trans stuff at all. Hrt makes you feel better and better able to cope with your life as it is. That is all it is.

I don't think you should go any further, not if you like your man life. Make that work.

[becky77]

To an outsider my life is crazy right now, to me it has become normal. I'm not sure that means I need to stop where I am, just that i'm getting used to all the change.
However you are fighting against such change so if you feel normal now see how it goes, perhaps you have found your stopping point?

[Kris Avery]

I read this twice and I'm confused about what Gabbi is considering/suggesting "stopping".

And I thought I was the only TS who was happy to be on HRT yet wasn't shedding their "male life".

So, I am reassured that I'm not alone - I think.

[GabbiSophia]

Arbon I wish coping was as easy as you make it sound

Wendy you are not alone. I find it hard everyday

[becky77]

I didn't say stopping I said stopping point. If she can find some peace in presenting female a few times a week without going fulltime then why progress further? You only fully transition if you have to.
I doubt you are alone

[MsVal]

Gabbi, you are not alone with your 'normal' and quest for a sign I'm still learning about myself and having the same back-and-forth thoughts. If I embrace transition, I am likely to upset people that I love dearly, while possibly getting to my happy place. I don't love myself enough to compensate for the harm it would cause. If I pull back, suppress, and get by with dressing, I am likely to disappoint myself, but the people I love may never know why I am sullen.


So ... here I sit, waiting, listening, watching for some kind of a sign that may never come.

Ah, yes, normal. It's a wonderful thing to feel normal, or is it?

If 'normal' is where I was just before my gender epiphany, and resultant anxiety and depression a couple years ago, I'm almost there now. My anxiety and depression are still here, but better controlled. I would like to return to the normal I haven't had in so long that I can scarcely remember. The normal when I would laugh, tell bad jokes or tell good jokes badly, feel good about myself. In a word, I was 'happy'.

Best wishes
MsVal

[arbon]

Coping with your life as it is now or coping with transition which can be long, painful and heartbreaking. There are no easy answers Gabbi. If it comes to transition push through as fast as you can.

[LeaP]

Arbon I wish coping was as easy as you make it sound

Nothing Theresa said implied that coping is easy.

...I don't love myself enough to compensate for the harm it would cause.

What's love got to do with it?
(It's not often in life that you get a chance to quote Tina Turner.)

To be honest, I don't quite know how to react to your statement. It smacks strongly of the narcissism and selfishness with which transsexuals are often accused. Granted, you made the comment in regard to yourself, but the implications are rather wider.

The remainder of your response is a pretty good indication that you may not be transsexual. Most – but not all of us – have lifelong issues associated with gender. That yours surfaced during your "epiphany" doesn't make your issues any less real, but hint at a different condition.

[Jorja]

Gabbi, would you try an experiment if it might help you?

For the next month, stop fighting everything and just go with the flow. Each time a thought comes into your head, for example: I don't want to dress girly today, don't fight it dress in drab. If the thought is, today I want to dress 100% all out girly and go out into the world, just follow your thought and do it.

You are expending way too much time and energy fighting every little thing. It causes confusion and indecision. It is no wonder normal doesn't seem normal anymore.

[Karen62]

Gabbi, how long have you been on HRT? Long enough to be sure you can fairly evaluate the psychological benefit? You say you feel such a benefit, but you still show deep angst. I am facing the same struggle as you (and everyone else, apparently), and I have not been prescribed HRT (yet?), so I cannot comment on the difference it makes from personal experience, but from the context of what the other women here have said -- it does seem to relieve the GD to some degree, and for many, it provides a crystal clear clarity as to the direction one needs to go. You are not seeing this, or just possibly, you are not allowing yourself to see this.

Jorja's idea of allowing yourself the freedom to experience this without your self-imposed limitations is a brilliant idea. Perhaps that will give you the clarity to see what is best. Your internal fighting could well be obscuring the view you need to see. I only hope I get the same chance for that kind of clarity in the near future. In a way, I envy you, because you can actually get to see what happens for you as a result of this experimentation.

As I keep hearing, we actually live along a spectrum rather than in a binary world (even if we are socialized to believe in the binary). You need not necessarily be at one of the two polar ends to find you own very personal happy place in which to live your life. (I am prepared for someone to toss this back at me sometime in the coming year, as I will likely need it as well. <heavy sigh>)

From a sister who empathetically understands as best she can today, I wish you the best in finding your peace.

Karen

[KellyJameson]

Sometimes life has nothing to do with gender identity (being a woman or man) and other times it has everything to do with it.

Sometimes we over think things when are mind is caught in a paradox of trying to hold two contradictory ideas as both being true.

First no one feels good all the time. Life ebbs and flows with natural up and downs. To be happy you also must be unhappy because it is in the comparison where we know the difference.

Being happy all the time will actually start to feel like unhappiness because the person has lost something to compare to.

You can make yourself very unhappy expecting to be happy all the time. Setting yourself up for disappointment from unrealistic expectations.

Where you belong may best be found from that experience of feeling "natural" where you move beyond being "self conscious" about "where you belong" This is found by being in touch with your emotions and not intellectualizing things so much.

You cannot "think" your way to the truth of your gender identity because your identity lives in your sub conscious so you find it emotionally by experimenting with your life.

Be less serious and more playful. Your natural gender identity surfaces when you are most relaxed and you cannot be this person if you are always watching yourself to "see who you are"

Try keeping a journal to write down your thoughts and feelings.

What do you mean "going to far into womanhood"? What do you like about your "male life" what defines a "male life" for you ?

It is important in my opinion to try and normalize as much of your life as possible to survive this.

There are many activities I enjoy that men do and there are many activities I did before transitioning that I still enjoy doing. This has nothing to do with my identity as a woman but simply "stuff" I like to do.

[DebbieL]

Gabbi,
There are those who do "toe in the water" and those who "jump in". You sound lie a "toe in the water" type. The other analogy is taking off the bandage, rip it off all at once?, or pull it off a little at a time?

The down-side of "toe in the water" is that every time you add a new part of your body to the water, you experience the change in temperature and the sensations. If it's a warm tub, going slow might even feel good, but if it's a cooling swimming pool, it's a bit cold and each inch can be a struggle.

You may need to talk to your therapist about which approach is best for you. I started with "toe in the water" for about a year before I started hormones. Small steps like pierced ears, nail polish (pink or frost), switching from stud earrings to small hoops. Wearing women's sweaters instead of men's, and replacing ALL of my boy pants with fitted women's slacks (which always fit me better).

At some point, however, I had to just drop in. So I went from waist high water to fully immersed, very quickly. Quite frankly, it was getting harder to pass as male, and I was finding that more and more often, men were checking the sign on the restroom if they saw me as I was walking out. When I started lining up for airport security and the TSA agent said "I can help you ma'am", I realized that I was pretty much cooked. I told my manager that I was ready to transition at work, and it immediately turned into "dive in". I was introduced to the client as "She can help you". I had to work as "Rexxie" for about 6 months while I went through the legal name and gender change process. By this point I had started HRT and my breasts were real and too big to hide even if I had wanted to (which I didn't).

I think the real turning point for me was actually about 2 years earlier. Lee had told me she would help me dress, but I had to stop dressing like a ****. My skirts were too short, my blouses too tight and sexy, and my wigs were too big. When we went shopping together, we got some clothes that were age and weight appropriate, and the result was that instead of trying to "pass", I started to actually "blend". I wasn't the prettiest girl in the mall, just slightly better than average. As a result, I didn't get stares, in fact I was barely noticed. When I went shopping for 4 hours as Debbie without ever getting read, I realized that this was the right way to go. Today, to the rest of the word, I'm a middle-aged lady. I look like I'm in my mid forties, even though I'm pushing at 60.

There are days when I'm getting up at 5:15 AM to put on make-up and do my hair that I wonder if this was such a bright idea, but I would rather die than go back to being Rex again. Last night, I fixed dinner and while Lee and I were eating, she looked me in the eye and said "I really don't miss Rex at all", then she said "I like Debbie so much better". I'm happier, healthier, more relaxed, have a nicer personality, and many of my good habits that seemed "girly" now seem completely appropriate and natural.

Sometimes, I have nightmares that I am forced to go back to being Rex, and it's a horrible experience. I wake up shaking - and very upset. Then I realize that it's only a dream.

[Persephone]

Hi Gabbi,

I've been on HRT for a few months now and I could so identify with your post, especially:

Hormones have been a blessing ,(yes I am on them by a doctor and I have a therapist I see... just to answer those questions), they have allowed my brain to shut up long enough to actually enjoy life.

I love my female life but I too vacillate, probably because, like you, I spent a very long time living in that "other" masculine world. I've finally come to the conclusion that it is O.K. to enjoy aspects of both worlds. Karen may have said it best:

As I keep hearing, we actually live along a spectrum rather than in a binary world (even if we are socialized to believe in the binary). You need not necessarily be at one of the two polar ends to find you own very personal happy place in which to live your life.

Unlike the majority of folks who only know one gender world, we have been privileged to live in two. Why should we now be forced to live in only one?

Relax, live, love, and laugh!

Hugs,
Persephone.

[angpai30]

Feeling normal is something that we all go through. When I was first told that I was pretty after transitioning I didn't quite know what to do. I had brain spasms and then fear kicked in. I have since gotten over that fear and have moved on and have started feeling like a normal girl. That could attribute to when I tell someone I'm transsexual the first thing I hear is "No way you could have been a guy" or "Yeah right, come one tell us the truth... Your really not trans." This does not validate my past or future. When you reach that calm and peaceful side of you, you then are truly happy at that moment. There is no shame in being happy!

[GabbiSophia]

Gabbi, would you try an experiment if it might help you?

For the next month, stop fighting everything and just go with the flow. Each time a thought comes into your head, for example: I don't want to dress girly today, don't fight it dress in drab. If the thought is, today I want to dress 100% all out girly and go out into the world, just follow your thought and do it.

You are expending way too much time and energy fighting every little thing. It causes confusion and indecision. It is no wonder normal doesn't seem normal anymore.

Jorja if it were that easy I would try your experiment. I haven't got past the home life issue of a step son that doesn't know and I have to dress a certain way for work because of the job. My post was though just about going with the flow, at least as I know it now. I know it is easy to make excuses why "not" to do something but damit they are real reasons. I have been on hormones going on 9 months and I will say it again the mental side is great at times, like when I am at work or busy. Those things were a struggle a year ago as I was still trying to learn.

[QUOTE=LeaP;3682251]Nothing Theresa said implied that coping is easy.{/QUOTE]

I get that but she said it fast and I wish a fast answer was the answer.

Coping with your life as it is now or coping with transition which can be long, painful and heartbreaking. There are no easy answers Gabbi. If it comes to transition push through as fast as you can.

Theresa ...actual for this moment in my life this is the most profound thing that has been said to me. I hate coping... I mean if there were a worse word I would use it but I hate to cope. I believe that is my greatest fear and you struck it. I am trying to live in the coping moment of this and the pressure to live in the other coping moment is knocking on the door. I do not want to deal with that coping. I have read the stories not only here but from others how transition is a crappy thing. Sure it relieves the GD but gosh damit what a high price to pay for getting rid of it. I want a different answer and $##@$%#@%$#@ no matter what I do I have to cope with something. that sucks.

someone asked about going back to before the GD ... hell yes ... and hell no ... I would not give my kids up for nothing but to have that innocent peace I had then sure would be nice.

[becky77]

Gabbi many do say it's a hard path, often takes a massive emotional toll. But equally they usually say it was worth it.
I see in you someone that is suffering a great deal, will transition be any harder than what you are currently suffering? If there was a chance of the demons in your head relenting despite the hardship of transion, would that be worth it to you?

[GabbiSophia]

lol that is a good question but the demons have been there so long it is habit to have them .. hell I have named two of them .. I get what your saying ... just think if I have to cope I can cope with the known which is now, not the unknown ...