The Corrosive Effect of keeping a Personal Secret

[CONSUELO]

I heard a TED talk the other day about the corrosive effect of keeping a personal secret. One of the speakers mentioned the effect of keeping her homosexuality secret from friends and family for years and how it affected her behaviour and relationships with others, including people she worked with. She worked as a waitress and came to deeply dislike children who frequently and quite innocently would ask her if she was a boy or a girl. Although she was deep in the closet she compensated by dressing in a very unfeminine and agressive style. When she visited her family the strain of keeping conversation on topics other than herself was a constant battle. It was her mother who finally guessed the situation and this lady said that when she finally told her family about her sexuality and her desires, she felt as if she had become lighter than air.

I was reminded of so many people who are members of this site who are completely in the closet and have been for most of their lives. The guilt and social alienation that comes from this must be very corrosive. Cross dressing takes a toll on both cross dressers and on significant others who either don't want their partner to admit to being a cross dresser or have to share the secret and suffer with their cross dressing partner. I know that for me it has lead to constant battles with depression and even suicidal thoughts.

I wish for the day when all cross dressers, and so many others who are not currently considered not an acceptable part of the sexual mainstream, can finally be free of this incubus.

This topic may have been covered before but reading some recent posts I thought it timely to raise it again.

[kimdl93]

I heard that TED talk and of course, as someone who at various times, hated, repressed and denied my transgendered self, I could empathize entirely with her. I suppose there are some transgendered people, at least those growing up in more recent times and/or more enlightened environments, who didn't have this sense of shame and self loathing, and could come to or not, depending on their preferences. For me, being able to say the words aloud lifted a lifetime of guilt from my shoulders.

[Allison Chaynes]

What is a TED?

I agree it's difficult. Sometimes taking just small steps is better than none.

[ReluctantDebutant]

I think it depends on how or what you are keeping secret. If you have to repress your personality or core beliefs or thoughts then yeah I would say it is corrosive. But if it is just "I don't want the guys she me en femme" and you can still act yourself around the people you care about then it isn't bad at all.

[Mary Poppins]

I too hear you loud and clear. The hiding is the worst. I for one should not feel ashamed of my lifestyle but it's like if I fully came out to immediate family that I'm a Crossdresser, I would be outed. My brother who is openly gay says that he feels like he is on a deserted island. The love and acceptance is not there. I'm his only connection to the family. I have some friends that would think I have lost my mind. A lot can be said about Bruce Jenner and the scrutiny he has had to endure. I wish I could be more open about me. I have gone to concerts and public outings but I would love to be able to go to work dressed up.

["Gabriela"]

I think it's a good idea to have at least one close person who knows about this secret. Sometimes may be hard to find that person, but once you come out you'll be much happier!

[MsVal]

Whether one chooses to disclose or not is a personal decision that person makes, and it should be based on full consideration of the benefits and risks. This should be high on the list of risks.

A closeted person may be successful at hiding the evidence, but fail at hiding the emotional signs. Loved ones may misinterpret those signs as indicators of something else and react inappropriately, causing a cascade of communications failures.

In my specific, case, unique to my wife and me*, disclosure opened up the communications. We are actually closer now than before, and I am relieved that I may now talk about my feelings.

Best wishes
MsVal

* Warning: Do not try this at home. Professional driver on closed course. Take only as directed. Your mileage may vary.

[CONSUELO]

Sorry for assuming that readers would understand the acronym TED. It is an organization that promotes all sorts of talks and discussions focussed on exploring all sorts of ideas on a wide range of topics. It is well known for talks on new technologies and their effects but it goes much further than that. Look up TED.com

TED is a nonprofit devoted to Ideas Worth Spreading - through TED.com, our annual conferences, the annual TED Prize and local TEDx events.

[Rogina B]

TED has had some great discussions on gender identity,sexuality,civil rights,etc. If you are in tune with the discussion it is great and for those that initially aren't,their minds are opened from it!

[JennaGirl]

I have thought alot about this subject recently.

My wife knows I like to dress but does not understand nor does she want to. Its a mental illness to her.

Because of that, you have to separate everything and find time to dress when no one is around AND if you have the time during that "free time". Trying to manage separate "lives" takes alot of effort and time and becomes very frustrating and tiring yet its something that deep down we need to do.

[AlanaG]

If you tell someone and they aren't accepting then that is a whole other can of worms.

[Lorileah]

What kind of worms would you prefer? Having someone who doesn't accept you walk away and free up that part of your life? Or the can of worms where you are a better person because you aren't angry all the time. You aren't sneaking around and hoping not to get caught? Or where you can be who you are?

You see fearing "worms" is a bad thing. Most worms are beneficial. They clean up stuff that needs to be gone. They turn soil so new things can grow. Even catch fish. Trust me as soon as you learn how good worms are, your life will be better

[Amy Fakley]

I can relate to this a whole lot.

I never realized just how much the need to hide my true nature from literally the entire world has taken from me, until after I finally came out to my wife. Thankfully, while still have our occasional ups and downs with it, revealing this to her has been an overwhelmingly positive experience. Our relationship now, is so much deeper and authentic than it ever had been before ... for that matter, deeper and more authentic than any relationship I've ever had in my entire life .

Not needing to lie and hide and deal with all of the baggage that entails, was a genuinely new experience for me.

In hindsight, I now see just how much this has taken from me. It's the reason I can't make friends very easily, it's the reason I have so much social anxiety ... it's literally a wall between me and the world, and I am simply incapable of truly circumventing it, as long as I have to hide this.

With effort, I certainly can function in the world at large. It's not as if it is completely crippling, but it has, without a doubt, held me back in more ways than I can imagine.

[~Joanne~]

I can tell you that the lighter than air feeling is true. I am not the same person I was before telling my SO about this. Granted she has been completely amazing with it all but had I know the end result, I would have done it a whole lot sooner than I did. The relief is amazing within itself, you finally shed the guilt and everything else associated with it. You don't have to tell the whole world though but If you think for a moment that your SO wouldn't handle it well then I probably wouldn't tell her at all and only you know how she is going to handle anything in your relationship.

It's up to you if, when, and how to tell your SO , don't do it because of these "pressure" threads.

[mechamoose]

Provide a link to the talk please?

TED is an AWESOME site. 'Technology, Education, and Design'

SO many forward thinking people and ideas.

[SaraSmile]

I think the secrecy is like kerosene ... it greatly intensifies whatever guilt or shame or disappointment we are feeling about "X" ... whether that is crossdressing, sexuality, or something else.

[Michelle789]

The same thing applies to being TS as well. Keeping my GD a secret for all these years took it's toll on me, and everybody else noticed that I seemed stiff and as if I was keeping some kind of secret from everybody.

[CynthiaD]

I certainly agree that keeping secrets like this is damaging. This is especially true when you keep the secret from yourself.

[Kandi Robbins]

I can only speak from experience, once I told my wife, unleashing the corrosive secret, everything about me changed. I became much happier, more loving and much healthier (stopped drinking, lost weight, etc.). While my wife remains the only one who knows, I feel free to be myself and return the great love she gave me in spades.

[Vicky_Scot]

Just remember one thing.

Once you tell someone your secret it is not your secret to keep anymore.