Page 1 of 5 123 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 25 of 101

Thread: From a GG's perspective

  1. #1
    Member Sierra_juliette's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2014
    Posts
    103

    From a GG's perspective

    I have to get something off my chest and many people in this forum may not like it but I think it is important to say.

    The CD world is one that I think we all know is very misunderstood and frankly suffers from the close-minded societal expectations of the male gender. HOWEVER, on a daily basis I come to this forum and am appalled, offended and frankly a little worried about some of the things I read. First of all, I understand this forum is a vent for many, I get it but it is also the first website that a scared SO or new dresser will find through google searching and THAT scares me after reading posts over the past year.

    I have seen many confused posts, from new/young dressers as well as SO's that just had their lives altered forever finding out their husband or boyfriend wears female clothing. All too often the responses are so quick to diagnose the CDer as on a one way train to transitioning, that it is an ever growing monster from which no one can escape. This would scare the hell out of me if I had come here with no knowledge trying to decide if I can handle it.

    Now, if, and this is a big if, I wasn't scared away by the impending, definitely going to happen transition that was diagnosed by random person, I surely would be once I read some of the advice given to each other in some posts. Just today I read posts complaining about limits, begging for acceptance, talking about how you cannot ever escape dressing and it will always spiral and the world doesn't understand and wives are unfair and and and

    STOP IT! Please for the love of all things holy please stop and think about what you are saying and more importantly what you are telling the world. Here you are, a collectibles great group of people from all walks or life that just want the freedom to express themselves in the clothing that they prefer yet you are either completely intolerant of the feelings of your SO that is staying by your side but insisting on DADT, limits or boundaries, SERIOUSLY? I see the vast majority talk about how dressing makes you FEEL, yet you selfishly want to invalidate the feelings of an SO, child, friend, parent or other family?!? Yeah a perfect world no one would care or have any feeling whatsoever about what you wear, but that ain't the world we live in, so most likely your SO or whoever else is going to have an opinion and feelings about it, so deal with it. You don't get to decide how people feel, just like they don't get to decide what you prefer to wear. If you want someone to respect your choice of clothing you also have to respect their comfort level! I mean seriously, I prefer to not wear clothes at home, but my 4 teenagers feel more comfortable when I do, so I do! It isn't that they don't accept that I like being naked, it just makes them uncomfortable! I could seriously go on and on about this but I think you get my point.

    The last point I have is quit hiding and lying! If you truly love your SO and respect her, give her the option to accept you, do not force her to live a lie, it is selfish and just wrong. If you think she wouldn't accept you or it would end the relationship, well, newsflash, it shouldn't be. What I mean is, if she doesn't love and respect you enough to accept you, why are you there?!?! I get it, you love her, but really, honestly, are either of you truly living a life of love if is full of lies? Imagine for just one minute how she would feel if tomorrow you were released from your mortal coil, what would that mean to her. Yeah yeah I hear you, but my hidden stash has a note explaining everything. She will be fine. Soooooo if you think she will be fine, TELL HER! I mean even the most accepting person in the world would have questions after finding that note but you are denying her the ability to ask ANYTHING, yet she will absolutely question EVERYTHING! If my SO hid it from me and I found a note and stash of female clothing I would wonder had I lived and loves a lie? Did he really love me? Was he gay? Why didn't he tell me? Did he think so little of me? The list of questions goes on and on

    So, I say, how dare you deny this woman who you claim to love, respect and want to protect, the chance to actually know you, to be able to make a decision for herself and live a truly honest and fulfilled life. Give her the chance to make an informed decision on how she gets to live her life.

    I am not saying drop everything and tell her now, but tell her! She deserves to know and YOU deserve to be accepted.

  2. #2
    Member toniloraine's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    kansas
    Posts
    148
    Great post i agree

  3. #3
    Aspiring Member AnnieMac's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    Midwest
    Posts
    611
    Sierra .. I don't know what to say. I am rather speechless deeply thinking about your comments. I am a cross dresser, yes that is true. I guess I want to say I agree with you 100% .. but . .
    My cross dressing, is mostly all fun and games for me, I don't take it very seriously, I just find it fun to dress up when I have the house to myself, and experience a little female-ness when I am alone, it is a pretty singular activity with me. I have been doing it so long by myself, I'm not sure I would know how to, or welcome sharing it with others. My wife does not know, and I guess if she accidentally found out I would tell her about it. However, my CD activities in no way control or affect our lives in any way. In some ways, I find to hard to imagine these guys, yes we are guys, on this forum trying to force their SOs to get involved with it. Let me think about your comments more, and maybe hear some others out. They have affected me strongly, and I am listening to you! I really thank you for your tough love comments, because there I many times when I read comments on this forum, I want to say to the poster, gee, get real, you are delusional as to how other's see you. Perhaps I need include myself in that last comment. Thank you Sierra.
    Last edited by AnnieMac; 01-27-2015 at 04:57 PM.

  4. #4
    Transgender Member Dianne S's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2013
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    1,378
    Sierra, I get what you're saying. But I know lots of trans people across the whole trans spectrum, and I think I can say with certainty: For the vast majority of crossdressers, the urge never goes away and usually gets stronger as they get older. I don't want to scare off SOs, but I think there's no point in sugar-coating the truth: It's not going to go away and the more you try to suppress it, the more preoccupied the CDer will become.

    The trick is finding a balance both partners can live with, assuming that's possible. We have to acknowledge that it isn't always possible.

    I also completely agree with your standpoint on disclosure, but on the other hand, I don't live other people's lives and I can't know what they have to lose if they disclose. So while I would say "Yes, disclosure is the best", I would never judge someone who has decided not to disclose.

  5. #5
    Aspiring Member AnnieMac's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    Midwest
    Posts
    611
    . . and when it's naked time at your house, can I come over and share . . ( kidding, kidding, kidding) -that's the un-female, bad-boy side of my nature there, that I cannot leave a good joke just lie there . .

    All kidding aside, I will think about your comments for quite awhile! Thanks!
    Last edited by AnnieMac; 01-27-2015 at 05:03 PM.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Hell on Heels's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    Monterey Ca.
    Posts
    1,991
    Hell-o Sierra,
    Nice rant, I hope that relieved some stress.
    There are so many different life stories here that there is no way to say
    what is the right way to live a CD life.
    Granted I kept my secret for a very long time.
    Things do seem different, better, now that she knows.
    Why I kept it to myself was just the fear of be ridiculed,
    If I didn't understand it, how do I expect her to, you know, you've
    heard all this before.
    But there was also the life we have built together., both of our lives
    were, and are, so dependent on one another.
    What if this was the thing that tore it apart?
    I would consider it to have been my fault.
    Could I live with that? No way!
    Much Love,
    Kristyn

  7. #7
    Banned Read only
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    6,335
    Sierra, I get your frustration. I have written many a post to the SO's of cross dressers warning them about the fluff and noise on this forum. I really do believe it is the vocal minority but there is a lot of it. This forum really does ebb and flow. Some very noisy members drop in, rant, and fade away. Others are consistent. It is great that you are here. If you don't like something call it out.

    Unfortunately, like sweeping back the ocean with a broom, it's hard to keep up, BUT... you will make a dent or two and impact someone's life in a meaningful way. That's what keeps me here.

  8. #8
    Member Sierra_juliette's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2014
    Posts
    103
    I absolutely do not mean go out and force your SO to participate, if it is just a alone time thing, great but imagine the aftermath of what it may do to her if you leave her behind. Doesn't she deserve the respect of knowing and being able to ask questions?

    As for fear of ridicule, I get it. I lived in a very violent physically and mentally abusive marriage for 17 years, I was ridiculed for nothing other than breathing. I have had bones broken. Permanent damage to my spine, choked completely out, had to testify in against him in court for attempted murder (yes against me) so if anyone knows fear of anything in a relationship it is me. But who are we kidding? Really? By hiding all you are doing is showing the rest of the world including the SO, who very most likely knows by now, that it is shameful and shouldnt be accepted. Is this the legacy you want to leave behind for the next generation of crossdressers to overcome?!?

    Newsflash, there will be no widespread acceptance if yall don't start accepting yourselves, and each other. It is time to recognize that there are so many levels of dressing from a man in a dress to someone waiting to transition, quit assuming that every person that enters this forum must want to be a gurl or want to act, talk and be treated like a woman, and most of all realize that when you post all encompassing statements on this forum, for the world to see, they see it. So if you want people to accept you or your fellow crossdressers, well, start within these chats. I have seen plenty of responses to my SO that want to pigeonhole him into a certain way, and 100% of the time it was so far from the reality I couldn't decide if I should laugh or be offended by the stereotypes yall impress upon yourselves so often

    And yes, my rant did relieve some stress. Thank you. But most of all if it helps even one GG to see that not every CDer is the same and not all want to transition or one young dressed that there is some normal and he isn't alone when he reads in posts that all CDers want this or that, and he doesn't, than I am so glad I ranted.

    Also, I understand the not forcing others to disclose, BUT especially for those who are married or have children with their SO, is it fair at all to passively force the SO to live a life she has not even had the option to live?

    I am well aware that the urge will never go away, however new dressers and SOs also need to know that it does not always escalate to full time or transitioning. That is the major fear of a large majority of SOs. Yes, balance! Like cutting back on sweets, you cannot deny yourself the small cravings or you will eventually eat the whole damned cake. I get it.

    I 'preach' balance to my husband all the time, dress regularly so that it no longer controls you, you control it.
    Last edited by Lorileah; 01-27-2015 at 05:49 PM. Reason: Merged posts into one, you can edit your previous post when adding things

  9. #9
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Posts
    38
    Respect Sierra, really, respect.

    I like this forum and the site, but there are many different types of crossdressers and many stratergies for coping with it, and I think sometimes people here forget that. I came out to my SO very early in our relationship cos I loved her and I didnt think it was fair not to tell her, and she has been wonderful. Something so fundamental to our lives cannot be under rug swept. I find it strange that so many seem not to tell their wives/partners - if she cannot accept you or hates that you crossdress she aint the one for you. Its brutal but its true - theres a great big world out there and there are those with strength enough to accept. Dont accept a life less lived.

    Love

    Jari

  10. #10
    Follow your dream.
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Posts
    388
    Overall I would say that I agree with the sentiment of the original post.

  11. #11
    Carole carhill2mn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    Twin Cities, MN
    Posts
    3,500
    Sierra,

    IMHO, you have just used this forum in the same manner as many others have, of whom you were critical; ie., to rant. Fortunately, (or unfortunately) there are many diverse people on this form with many different opinions and in many cases they are just that opinions, not facts. There are no "one size fits all" answers.

    People have many different experiences which have influenced how they feel about things. Thus, their responses, advice, rants, etc. will be different from others. People on the forum are free to choose what best applies to their situations and act accordingly. Many members of this forum have expressed how this forum has given them a much better understanding and safer feeling than other forums to which they have belonged. Again, different perspectives based upon different experiences.
    Hugs, Carole

  12. #12
    Silver Member Kandi Robbins's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2014
    Location
    Kandi's Land!
    Posts
    2,610
    Well said and well thought out. Thanks for sharing.

  13. #13
    MIDI warrior princess Amy Fakley's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2012
    Location
    The South
    Posts
    2,047
    Quote Originally Posted by Sierra_juliette View Post
    Also, I understand the not forcing others to disclose, BUT especially for those who are married or have children with their SO, is it fair at all to passively force the SO to live a life she has not even had the option to live?
    I want you to think of the most shameful, dispicible thing you have ever done. Something that literally everyone you know in the world would condemn you for, unless you got extraordinarily lucky. Now I want you to imagine looking into your child's eyes, and explaining that to them, then having a discussion with them about how the life they've known up to now, is over because of that.

    If you get lucky, it might not go that way. But the odds really and truly aren't in your favor. But the potential payoff is that you get to feel better about not being dishonest

    On the other hand, you could just keep your mouth shut and hope for the best.

    Every. Single. Day. Of. Your. Life. That hole gets deeper, and the potential consequences become more and more drastic.

    Tell me again, how it pays to be always truthful, and how ridiculous we all are to carry on in secret, and how the choice is just so obvious and simple .

    It isn't fair. All the way around it isn't. For us, to have been born this way, in a culture that simply will not tolerate it. That's not fair. And it's not fair to our wives. And it's not fair to our children and loved ones.

    we live in a world that is not fair, and life is a series of choices that are often between the lesser of two evils.

    I have respect for those of us here who have stayed closeted, because I lived that nightmare for 17 long years. Eventually I came out, and it didn't go badly. In fact most of my fears turned out to be unfounded. But you know what, it could have gone bad. Really really bad. And that choice has essentially destroyed lives of many on this forum.

    I get your frustration, but guilt trip threads like this one are as much of a problem as the ridiculous over generalizing threads you're calling out.

    The decision to reveal should not be taken lightly. There are costs either way, and everyone's situation is different.
    "Why shouldn't art be pretty? There are enough unpleasant things in the world." -Pierre-Auguste Renoir

  14. #14
    Member MichelleDevon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Location
    South-west England
    Posts
    123
    Sierra, you are absolutely right that we need to tell our SOs...they may then choose to be involved or not. However there is a but... Those of us who are older than about 35 have probably all come to cross-dressing at a time when you really really didn't talk about such things - many of us are old enough to remember when homosexual activity was a crime... I suspect most of us thought for many years "It's just me, there's something wrong with me..." and there was absolutely no way we were going to tell anyone at all.

    Then there was the all-powerful internet...suddenly it became obvious that it was not just me, I may be different from some societal norm but, hey wonderful news, IT ISN'T JUST ME. For me that was a real eureka moment and I decided fairly quickly that I wanted to tell me wife about it. I waited months for an opportunity - it was never going to be easy after 26 years of marriage and it wasn't. Far from becoming involved she rejected it utterly. It was some 6 years later, after I had spent two years living away from her and had a brief affair with a lady who was interested in and excited by it, that we each had counselling and then couples counselling and she came to realise why I had been unable to tell her and although she isn't keen she does now give Michelle space in our life.

    You are right too to criticise those who suggest that this is a one-way street leading to gender reassignment - it isn't. Within my support group there is a wide cross-section of CDs to TSs. Some of those CDs only ever come to the group - they are a bit more than closet cross-dressers - there are thousands around the world - they are scared to tell, scared of being ridiculed, frightened of losing their job or a host of other reasons. Some don't ever get out of their house. Some, like me, are happy to tell the world about it but I am going nowhere near GRS thank you. And there are the TSs or aspiring TSs who feel they are in the wrong body - that is an entirely different kettle of fish from me and a million miles from the closet CDs.

    We've come to it in many different ways and many have tried unsuccessfully to purge. I am not sure the desire increases with age - I think it increases with growing confidence. But we have, as you rightly say, to temper our increasing confidence and desire to dress with the knowledge that not everyone in our daily lives is as comfortable with it as we are. I have one daughter who is cool with it - her 2 year old son recognises his Granny Michelle as Grandad; the other daughter is adamant that she doesn't wish to meet Michelle again and certainly doesn't want her two daughters to meet their Granny Michelle. That makes me sad and sometimes angry but it is her choice and who am I to force my somewhat off-beat activity on her or my two granddaughters? Similarly I don't go to work as Michelle although several work colleagues know about M and one regularly comes to support group meetings with me.

    I like to be accepted and I choose to be as open as I can be; I don't foist Michelle on people who I think would find it too hard to accept. Like Sierra I also have a plan (with that aforementioned work colleague) to set up some sort of drop-in centre for our CD/TV/TS community and I would extend a cordial welcome to anyone - MtF, FtM, SOs - and encourage them to be as open as possible. I am committed to educating society as much as I can...get rid of the ignorance with begets bigotry, then we can all be ourselves in safety.

    Onwards and upwards, sisters...but we are NOT fundamentalists about this. We have a right to be ourselves but we don't have a right for society to like it or to agree with us. We cannot force people to like us or agree with us - we have to learn to give and take just like any other minority group...

    I wouldn't want ever to be "norma" now - I am very comfortable with who I am.

    Hugs and kisses

    Michelle
    xxxx

  15. #15
    Member Sierra_juliette's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2014
    Posts
    103
    First of all, I have done exactly that, with something much more despicable than any aspect of cross dressing could be, and sat and looked into the eyes of my children and told them exactly what I did. So yeah, I get it. However, there is absolutely no way I would have let them live their lives and find out only by accident or by my death what I had done. If it meant losing them, I had to embrace that outcome. I would bet that there isn't a single person on this forum that would appreciate finding out such life altering news without the ability to ask questions or look their SO in the eye and see that despite the news, there is and always has been love in their eyes. Why would you choose to share a life with a person and never truly share your life?

    Second, okay, if this is viewed as a guilt trip post so be it. However, I will say again, even if one chooses to live closeted, is it not universally destructive and close-minded of the members to stereotype each other, to tell new member or SOs that t always escalates, it is the dream of all to be able to live full time as a woman or any other nonsense?!?!

    This forum is meant to provide support yet I have personally seen the opposite happen from this forum.

  16. #16
    Aspiring Member AnnieMac's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    Midwest
    Posts
    611
    Ok, I give Sierra, did I miss something, what did you do?

  17. #17
    Member Sierra_juliette's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2014
    Posts
    103
    You didn't miss anything however I have a very interesting past and lived on the streets addicted to drugs and bouncing around crack houses for most of my teen years and was unfortunately heavily addicted to meth for many years. The despicable part of that is looking into my child's eyes and admitting to her that even knowing she was growing inside me, I never stopped. So yeah, I get coming clean being a hard thing to do...but that past is part of who I am, part of what makes me, me. So I won't hide it from my loved ones.

  18. #18
    Happy to be me!! S. Lisa Smith's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    Hampton Roads, Virginia
    Posts
    6,639
    Well, I find this very interesting. I'm not sure how I feel about all of this... I told my wife after about 18 years of marriage. She had no idea.... We have gone from a DADT relationship concerning my CDing to one of more openness and even joking. She has allowed me to go to Fantasia Fair and has okayed Keystone. She has purchased items of clothing for me when I have asked. Don't misunderstand, she doesn't want to see Lisa. I am fortunate to have a wife who has been accepting. Not everyone is so lucky, yet they receive and give other benefits in the marriage that overcomes the CD factor. I agree with Amy, it's not easy, simple or convenient to come out. It may not even be worth it to either partner or the children to do so. Each case stands on it's own merits, each person must make that decision. One size does not fit all. I wish there were a simple answer, but there probably isn't one...
    Please call me Lisa!

  19. #19
    Member Natasha V's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Location
    Texas girl
    Posts
    339
    Great post.

  20. #20
    A lady in the making..... Erica Marie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    wisconsin
    Posts
    1,949
    Coming from a single person, without an SO to hurt. I dont know what to say. I have kept it hidden for a long time. I do have two wonderful children and honestly I dont know how or if there ever will be the right time or place to tell them. I would give anything to have an accepting SO, I dont because I cant find it in me to take a chance and hurt someone. So I find it easier to just hurt myself by not being who I truly am.
    Erica

  21. #21
    its important mykell's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    jer-sea shore
    Posts
    4,097
    um hi sierra,
    last week i was helping you start a business, soo im confused......is this a marketing technique that im unaware of......

    we are not a one size fits all community....never will be.....to each they're own....what works for one will not guarantee success for another.....

    some posts here are totally ridiculous, some over dramatic, some lost their moral values, some are awesome, and on and on, we have to filter them with our own rational understanding.... choose to reply or not based on weather or not we have something helpful to contribute.
    those who ask for opinions or offer statements may choose to use the information and/or opinions offered back in the way that helps with an answer or solution they need help with, a choice.....
    so its a series of choices, choose to ask, choose to accept, choose to reply, choose to believe, choose to help, choose to watch, choose to do nothing.....

    i read you post twice and im not sure if im guilty of any of your points, iv been here just over a year......ive offered help, ive asked for help, ive been silly, ive been serious, ive shared some low points and some high points and some in between.......ive been pretty comfortable here......ive seen some fairly creepy sites out there that i wouldn't join, recommend or want my family to see.....its a personal choice.....
    i respect your perspective.....thanks for sharing it with us...

    just a side note... wish that you had not lived with issues you did in the relationship you shared with us, and i wish you well in the future....
    Last edited by mykell; 01-28-2015 at 11:00 AM. Reason: choose
    ....Mykell
    i dressed like a girl and i liked it! crossdressing...theirs an app for that

  22. #22
    Another fine dress AngelaYVR's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Location
    British Columbia
    Posts
    2,108
    I like how we are supposed to act as one unit, rather than the individuals that we are.

  23. #23
    Silver Member Maria 60's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Posts
    3,089
    Well your not just fiddling to crossdressers. How many wife's don't know there husbands cheat or gamblers and addicted to drugs. Unfortunately that's life. You know what they say, the wife's always the last to know. I hear you and agree but it part of life.

  24. #24
    Member Sierra_juliette's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2014
    Posts
    103
    This is far from a marketing idea, nor am I trying to line everyone up in a row and call it all the same type of crossdresser. What I am saying is that it is frustrating as all heck to read so many people in this forum complain that their wife restricts them, has certain feelings about his dressing, is understanding etc, yet I have not seen one person 'stand up' and say 'she may be restricting me, requiring DADT, but she stays by my side'. I hear/read a whole lot of why cant the world accept us as we are, yet you (figuratively) do not accept your SO for how she is, accept that she doesn't want to see it, or has boundaries.

    But alas, I see that no matter how I explain it, I am preaching/ranting to an audience that doesn't want an opinion from an 'outsider'. So I leave you with this, the world will never accept you until you accept you, period. Homosexuality didn't become 'mainstream accepted' because society woke up one day and said 'hey we were wrong, these people are okay and deserve to be happy' it changed because people stepped out of the closet and said I am proud of who I am as a person and who I choose to love has no bearing on that. It won't be until CDers step out of the shadow and out of the closet and say we are people, good people and how we dress will not change the good person that you have known.

  25. #25
    Another fine dress AngelaYVR's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Location
    British Columbia
    Posts
    2,108
    Poppycock. What you read here are the complaints, because people are more likely to complain than relay good news. It has nothing to do with you being an "outsider", much of what you said is true. But painting us all with the same brush is bound to rankle, that's what my issue is. I know where I stand with my wife and I appreciate what I have and I am willing to wager many, many others here do as well. The trouble is I don't start a thread titled "My wife is tolerant and lets me dress!" so you only see the negative. Everyone else sees it too of course, but we are not machines. We could just as easily pick any negative aspect of a few women and apply it to all of you. Silly, yes?

    And really, when you talk about trust, shouldn't any SO reading this forum trust her husband enough to listen to his story and not simply believe what she reads? Two way street and all.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  


Check out these other hot web properties:
Catholic Personals | Jewish Personals | Millionaire Personals | Unsigned Artists | Crossdressing Relationship
BBW Personals | Latino Personals | Black Personals | Crossdresser Chat | Crossdressing QA
Biker Personals | CD Relationship | Crossdressing Dating | FTM Relationship | Dating | TG Relationship


The crossdressing community is one that needs to stick together and continue to be there for each other for whatever one needs.
We are always trying to improve the forum to better serve the crossdresser in all of us.

Browse Crossdressers By State