From a GG's perspective

[Dianne S]

It won't be until CDers step out of the shadow and out of the closet and say we are people, good people and how we dress will not change the good person that you have known.

Yes, I agree! But it's not always that easy. Someone who comes out to the world and loses his family, loses his job, is ridiculed or even has death threats will take cold comfort in knowing he may have advanced the cause of transgender people.

I happen to be extremely lucky in that my kids are supportive, my sisters and mother are supportive, and all my friends who know are supportive. I also have secure employment because I own my own business, so I will be coming out to the world when I transition and I will obviously be activist in support of trans people. But not everyone's that lucky.

[AnnieMac]

Sierra's right about that in her last post! It's like the old saying, "if you want to be a writer, well then write" So if we all want to be accepted mainstream, than we have to be mainstream, and that means being totally open and in the public so it becomes more natural to people. Hey look, I'm not one to talk here, I'm still in the closet and dress at home. But look and appreciated what our gay and lesbian friends here have accomplished, after years of "Bille Jean King Jokes" and "Limp Wristed Homo" imitations. No one really gives a hoot about who is gay or not anymore in mainstream society (well, except for that Supreme court Gay marriage ruling, that still has to happen yet). The world has far bigger problems that gays and sissies. No one said it will be easy either, ask any gay person, that took a long time, with a lot of terrible sacrifice, CD acceptance will be no different. Do I have the energy for it? Probably not, getting to old for drama.
Also people will express themselves rather strongly on a forum, because well, it IS a forum. That is what it is for. Anyone has far to thin of a skin if they get offended by something they read online. It's just ideas being expressed, and that is a good thing!

[Hell on Heels]

Sierra, I'm sorry to hear you were stuck in that abusive relationship for such a long time.
Nobody should have to be near death before finding their way out of something like that.
Comparing my not telling to your broken bones though is apples and oranges to me.
I am in the age group of the before internet. And before it did arrive I had met my SO.
And at that point in my life I had little to no interest in CDing.
Sure it came and went in brief periods, but there were stretches of time were there was none at all.
Up until a year and a half ago it had been 20 years. A lot of life had been shared with my SO during those years.
Now that CDing has come back, with a vengeance, I had still not looked it up on the internet. I knew there were others like me, I had no idea how many. But I was still figuring things out for myself, how could I include my So?
I agree that sharing something like this with a spouse is for the best, but explaining something you don't understand is impossible.
I do realize there are so many different types, or levels of CDing , and I do not consciously promote a "one path for all" point of view. What I would suggest to everyone is more of a "at your own pace" point of view.
And lastly, acceptance begins with ourselves, not the group of us. Some of the members here have not found that comfort with themselves yet, and it is a struggle we all face at some point.
If acceptance by society is the goal, we need to accept ourselves first.
Making someone feel guilty for not being comfortable with themselves will only
drive them further away from that comfortable place of accepting themselves.
Not every reveal has a happy ending, there is a risk. More often you will hear the
glorious happy outcome here than the failure. No one hangs hard times on the wall.
Much Love,
Kristyn

[Marcelle]

Hi Sierra,

I understand your angst and hear your pain from your own past experience. I am one who is out to my wife, family, friends and work but that was my choice as it fit my need to express and explore who I am . I will never transition as I like the guy part of me as much as I like the girl part of me, but then again that is me. I am a bit confused as I have watered here for over a year and while there may be one or two who will latch on to a new arrival and say "hey you are on a one way trip to transition", most of the feedback is related more to accepting this side of you, growing, and if you are in a relationship, cultivate and grow. I have seen some advice given in which the person has indicated they are tired of the DADT relationship and most feedback is either "live with it", "discuss it" or "pack it in if you cannot agree to disagree". As you stated, remaining in a relationship in which you are not happy does neither party any good.

Regarding telling your wife, SO, partner, GF or whomever, it is a personal choice and every situation is different and to assume that telling your SO will solve all the problems associated with being TG well . . . there are many stories here about relationships that have ended on the rocks because of disclosure. In a way I agree with you, if it is meant to be it will be and if the SO cannot get past the dressing or the CDer wants more than the SO is willing to give, then perhaps both parties are better off traveling separate paths. I would have you consider this though, if the CDer does their business in private, hurts nobody, achieves whatever balance they require, puts it away and continues to be a loving, supportive, caring and wonderful partner . . . does the dressing matter and what is gained in telling the SO? Yes, you could argue it is the SOs right to know so they can make an informed decision but if the act is done in private with no difference to the relationship what is the harm. On the other hand if the dressing is becoming so pervasive in a CDers life that they are spiralling into anger, resentment, neglect, depression and an all around moody D-Bag then yes the talk is required. We all carry secrets and some of us will take many to the grave. I have several combat tours and have done things in the service of my country which I will never disclose to my wife. Not that I don't think she will understand, I just don't know how she would see me afterwards . . . that does not make me deceitful, a liar or bad just guarded as the severity of these things are beyond comprehension for most.

It is never as simple as some here who have told their SOs and like reformed alcoholics continually extol the virtue of doing the right thing and attempting to shame others into following their path. It may have worked out well for them but that is them and they are not walking in another person's shoes. Heck I could take the moral high ground and start saying that by not coming out to your family you are living a lie and should they find out down the road they will be hurt and while we are at it, why not extrapolate that to your friends and workplace . . . it worked out for me so it should for everyone. However I won't do that because my circumstances are different from others and each has to fine his/her own road. The path is rough and becomes even more tangled when others are involved but in then end each must find their way at their own speed or more damage could be inadvertently done.

Isha

[MissTee]

I 'preach' balance to my husband all the time, dress regularly so that it no longer controls you, you control it.

Can I hug you now or do you want a rain check? Seriously, regular dressing let's me do exactly that. Control it. If I am forced to refrain for long periods, I just don't have the where with all to fight the pink fog.

[bridget thronton]

Thank you for your post Sierra and congrats on leaving drugs behind

[Erika Lyne]

Sierra Juliet,

Thanks for the rant (& owning up to this being a rant), it really does mean a lot to us to hear from a GG/SO. You used quite a bit of a harsh tone and rightfully so, may I add. I will say that I am fairly new to the site. I am however, NOT new to being stuck in a position of being mismatched. Though I've never gone for clinical diagnosis, I do know that I fall a bit further down the spectrum compared to many here. I have to say that my CDing has been getting stronger as I get older, maybe it is caused by a drop in testosterone, more confidence, lack of tolerance to societal pressures or I am just growing into someone else. No matter what, it is not going away and is getting more enveloping.

Sierra, just as you are more of a professional in being a woman, I (& may I dare say "we") am (are) more of the professional(s) at being me (us). With that, I have been putting a big part of my life deep into hiding for decades, either for shorter periods of time or for years at a whack. I have done this many times for my wife's convenience as well as societal acceptance. Never have I expected my wife to bury a large part of her for my comfort. She has always been free to live her life around me as she is comfortable. This, perhaps, is my biggest gripe towards your rant. I've been looking for a way to bring it up in this forum without sounding like I was preaching to the choir or looking to start a Pitty Party. I propose this for a debate: where do you (non-specific) gain the right to tell anyone, spouse and SO included, who they are allowed to be? Each spouse or SO in a committed relationship has a responsibility to foster the other party, CDer and GG alike. By limiting a DADT or Not-In-My-Sight or similar restrictive policy at home you've just become the abusive party. (I get it that people have limits, mine are quite low but I do have some.) A mutual understand and self imposed limits would be best but this too hardly ever successful because it is not set in concrete. As has been stated earlier in this thread, this thing grows with age or confidence and it will require a movement of that "Tolerance Line," if I may assign a name to it. I have been reading on this forum that it is rare for the spouse/SO to revise their stance in the same direction. Often, it seems, that the spouse/SO tends to go in the opposite direction as their CDing mate.

I know that I am not completely satisfied with my wife's and my own lack of complete acceptance of my entire persona (I know I wish I could be more like Isha.). I am guilty of venting/ranting that I want more of the chance to be who I feel I am. That just may be psychology, to use an older psych model: Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. We have all met the basics and progressed up to Acceptance of our Peers. Our SOs should be our peers in day to day life, other members here peers in our own likeness. Our fellow members (for the most part) accept us for who we are but our SOs may not accept us to the extent we wish, if at all. This calls on us to reassure our own psychological stability within a safe place of our peers, fellow members. This reassurance may be posted in a thread as a rant, gripe or just a plain old bitch session. Our peers then share advice on how they have succeeded in being able to move that "Tolerance Line." Usually, it seems that slow movements allow time for our spouses/SOs to grow accustomed to how we wish to present ourselves.

If you haven't seen any of my other posts: I too am married, married to a person who has stuck by me though several unsuccessful attempts to "cure" myself of this conflict within by purging several times, a few times for my spouse's happiness. Foremost, I agree with you about disclosure, early disclosure being the most favorable. Agree too that being truthful to family is preferred. As I have stated in other posts, I told my (now) wife of 14 years quite early on in our courtship that I CD, I was 15 years old at the time. I was also honest with her saying that I am not sure where it'll lead, so far just dressing. Our two pre-teen children know and are accepting of me dressed. My wife has joined this site and we are trying to be contributing members of this microsociety. She has read many of the posts that say this WILL lead to a long and painful life until transition is made and it put a huge fear in her. Some LONG conversations have come from these generalities posted. As far as coming out to extended family, I have not been as successful. My family is quite conservative in this realm, NIMBY is how they view it. Add to that, my career choice is a narrow minded one where ridicule and exclusion of different behaviors is common place. I'd like to say that I would expect it to change soon but I fear it will not.

Again, Sierra Tango, I think it is safe to say that most of us here appreciate the views of an SO/GG. Thanks for the rant and I look forward to your insightful replies.

Hugs,
-E

[pamela7]

I am not saying drop everything and tell her now, but tell her! She deserves to know and YOU deserve to be accepted.

I told my wife every step of the way, from when we met. I liken the situation to living the lie by staying with my first wife when it was over, "just for the children". That was wrong to do, and time has proven right that the children are better for being raised in a loving separated family, and seeing real love in action between me and my now-forever wife.

Of course she loves me, of course I love her, and even so its a journey, made TOGETHER, and its working. But then we agreed on day one 13 years ago that we'd never have secrets, never leave issues to rot, never leave anything un-discussed, and always processed out issues to come back to peace and love. This has worked, and its working now through my CD flowering.

Living the lie is unhealthy, for all. And yet, to inflict upon others ones own beliefs is also i feel inappropriate (bit like religion). We like to be nude in the house, but dress when the kids are about. I don't feel CD-ing in the house is anywhere near as uncomfortable or inflicting on others. Stereotypical people NEED to be awakened to wider realities if society is to progress, but gently, step-by-step is the way - no sudden shocks nor traumas.

By example

1. darling, would you mind if we tried making love with me in ladies underwear, just something i'd like to try
2. darling, they feel so much better, how about I wear them sometimes under my normal clothes.
3. darling, i love your fabrics, might i wear a vest sometimes?
4. how about role-playing our genders to better understand eachother ...

and so on, spread over time ... its how governments influence us, and it works ...

xxx Pamela

[cdncdwife]

I understand that this group is a mixed and diverse bunch of people not limited to CD and wives. We live in different countries, are rich and poor, loving, kind, some are jerks, some are mechanics and others teachers. Having a cookie cutter answer just isn't possible as we all experience things differently. So all I can do is answer for myself.

Hi. I'm the wife of a CD who started dressing a few months ago and told me within the first couple of weeks. We had a previously good relationship and pretty good communication. Mutual love and respect. But when he told me it still rocked my world (and not in a good way) for several days as I came to terms with everything. The emotional roller coaster is a painful experience for any wife and it was only through reading some positive things on another much smaller CD forum and from having the love from my husband who strove hard to make me feel secure and who answered all my questions, that we made it through. I agree that being able to answer questions was the most important part to me, and initially the most urgent. Having gone through the fire though I can now say that we are happier than ever and the experience has brought us closer together. We're both new to this however and so the journey is beginning. But we're committed to doing it together and so we'll see where it goes. I wish everyone could have this same relationship growing and bonding experience, but I know that's not the case. Look at past disasters in your relationship. If they served to bring you together then that's good, but if not, I think that's likely to happen again. So do all you can to make her secure and safe in your relationship before and after you tell. And maybe see if you can direct her to another wife of a CD who's friendly and can be reassuring and help answer questions or give her some questions to ask you. I think that might be helpful to some. I consider it a sign of love and respect that my husband risked losing me to tell me and to keep honesty in our marriage.

[Sierra_juliette]

Okay, that made me laugh completely out loud, I LOVE that you said 'some are jerks, some are mechanics...' I am now imagining a business card for random Joe Smith - licensed jerk

[Mollyanne]

I'm going to throw my 2cents worth into the fray. I have read all the responses and have an idea of what everybody is trying to say or defend. We are all different, with different needs, with different fears and expectations as to who we are and what we want to accomplish. Coming "clean" to a SO, wife or girlfriend can be a good thing IE: NOT KEEPING A SECRET but sometimes its far better to "keep the genie in the bottle". Actually I tried both methods ( keeping the secret and telling) neither worked out well so now I "fly under the radar". Circumstances will dictate what and how thing(s) are said and to whom. To some of us this is a private hell and to some of us this is a heaven of sorts. We all need to be heard, understood would be the epitome of the problem.

Molly

[Sarasometimes]

Sierra,
I hope your rant has helped you i know they sometimes work for me. I agree with some of what you wrote and disagree with other points. The request for respondents to stop painting all CD's as on their way to womanhood is noble. We all view the world from our perspective. You have had some really tough challenges in your life that I can't begin to understand and consequently I wont question how you handled them.
Just like "he is dressing now but he will transition and you will be married to a trans woman." post doesn't fit all. Neither does your "You MUST tell her so she can ask questions and decide whether to stay with you or not." apply to all!
You don't know my situation anywhere close enough to preach to me or others here, than we have to tell you how you should have handled those extremely difficult situations in your past. In a pure sense your argument has merit but we don't live in a pure sense! You should know as well as any here that we often times need to make choices that are less than ideal with out all the understanding we would like. Some of those choices may turn out to have been wrong ones with real consequences as you know all too well.
I'm in a DADT and have kids who don't know either. I'm in therapy to help me deal with balancing my life of extremes with the needs of my family. I spend countless hours reassessing how I'm living my life and what is best for all involved. Respectfully I know without any doubt that you can't possibly have my solution figured out.
I read another post in this thread about a wife whose husband "started dressing a few months ago and told her within a few weeks." I read her other posts and find that he decided when he was in his 60's to start dressing. he figured out really quickly that he was a crossdresser all his life without ever doing it and told he right away. That was very insightful of him and it is great that it is working for him but that also isn't for everyone.
As someone else mentioned forums are just that and open opportunity to generally say what you please. We also have trolls that come and go but if you let the few run you off than that is unfortunate.
Honestly Sierra I wish you only the best and I'm glad that you feel better knowing about your SO's crossdressing and that you continue to have a thriving, loving relationship. I welcome your thoughts.

Mollyanne you had some great points, too.

[SaraSmile]

I never even thought of myself as a “crossdresser” until I found this website a couple of weeks ago. I thought of myself as a pervert with a serious mental and emotional problem, which I wanted to keep hidden from the world. I thought it meant that I was a homosexual (which must be followed by the obligatory “not that there is anything wrong with that”), but there is definitely something very “wrong with that” when you are a happily-married, monogamous/faithful, heterosexual father of three.

Up until November of last year, my crossdressing was limited to specific circumstances, normally when left alone for an extended period (family out of town). Whenever I “cave” to these urges, it was followed by guilt, shame, self-loathing, etc. Strange but true, I have often used that anger to knock out home construction projects while my family was gone, so at least my wife comes home to something done, which made her happy.

Something changed last November when, for the first time, I felt these urges to “underdress” and wear women’s clothing, even though my family was around. I do not understand why, and fought them mentally, but it seemed to make everything worse, even overwhelming and all-consuming at times. I could not stop thinking about it. I wore my wife’s pink panties under my clothing, as I cooked Thanksgiving dinner for a houseful of friends and family. I thought I was nuts, and I had no one to talk to about this. I was getting worn to threads, fighting with this voice inside my head, telling me to wear women’s clothing. To make matters worse, my wife knew something was bothering me (she always does) and I just could not talk to her because, at least in my own mind, this problem is WAY too far outside the box. I am suppose to be her husband, the Rock of Gibraltar, the bedrock foundation for my family, not some deviant “sissy boy” wearing women’s clothing. And when one hits the internet in search of answers, one generally finds not thoughtful discussion like this, but porn websites and a host of other predators, presenting that image.

So back to your original post ... I could not disagree more. I found some much needed support and information on this website. I found a path to self-acceptance, meaning that I do not have to hate myself because having these issues. I discovered that, in fact, there are happily-married, heterosexual men, just like me, who have found accepted CD ... some of whom have also embraced CD, inside or outside of their home. And while there are some swimming in the deep end, who think one must fully embrace CD or who complain about the unwillingness of their spouse to accept CD, there are others here, like me, happy to just swim in shallow waters.

So to the wives of crossdressers, who come here looking for answers, I would say this ... Your husband is unique, just like everyone else. My guess is that the answers to your real questions are probably inside his head, this website has a lot of good people, who can share their own experiences and, in doing so, maybe help you understand and/or accept your own personal situation. Good luck.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

(1)...on a daily basis I come to this forum and am appalled, offended and frankly a little worried about some of the things I read. ...All too often the responses are so quick to diagnose the CDer as on a one way train to transitioning, that it is an ever growing monster from which no one can escape.

(2) I read posts complaining about limits, begging for acceptance, talking about how you cannot ever escape dressing and it will always spiral... ... you are either completely intolerant of the feelings of your SO that is staying by your side but insisting on DADT, limits or boundaries, SERIOUSLY? I see the vast majority talk about how dressing makes you FEEL, yet you selfishly want to invalidate the feelings of an SO, child, friend, parent or other family?!?

(3) If you truly love your SO and respect her, give her the option to accept you, do not force her to live a lie, it is selfish and just wrong. If you think she wouldn't accept you or it would end the relationship, well, newsflash, it shouldn't be. What I mean is, if she doesn't love and respect you enough to accept you, why are you there?!?!

(4) So, I say, how dare you deny this woman who you claim to love, respect and want to protect, the chance to actually know you, to be able to make a decision for herself and live a truly honest and fulfilled life. Give her the chance to make an informed decision on how she gets to live her life.

Hi SJ. I've numbered your main points to make responding easier.

I too visit the site daily and look at a great many threads, especially the Introductions, and the ones which contain emotion, feelings, or cries for help.

(1) I'm puzzled. I don't see many posts which "diagnose the CDer as on a one way train to transitioning, that it is an ever growing monster...". When I have seen one saying something of that sort, it's normally been because the OP has spoken in such extreme terms that we, and they, have been left in little doubt.

What I do see regularly is posts such as Dianne S's above, saying "For the vast majority of crossdressers, the urge never goes away and usually gets stronger ...the more you try to suppress it, the more preoccupied the CDer will become."

My reading here confirms that opinion, and nowhere does Dianne imply that transitioning is the logical conclusion. It's also an obvious fact that suppressing any deep-seated desire is only likely to compound it.

(2) Yes, many here wish more than anything for acceptance, and for many the compulsion to cd is overwhelming. It's a support site- of course we're going to vent and grumble and express our wishes. Without this (marvelous) outlet, some here would have absolutely no outlet, no way of expressing their inner demons. Being able to come here and let off steam does not mean we present that attitude to our wives and SOs, any more than playing Grand Theft Auto means we're going to get in our cars and go postal. "...I see the vast majority talk about how dressing makes you FEEL..." Well, to put it in your own terms, 'newsflash' what else is this site for?

Far from wanting "...to invalidate the feelings of an SO, child, friend, parent or other family..." I read a huge number of threads here full of nothing but the deepest concern for our SOs and families. Many of us wrestle every day with feelings of guilt and shame for exactly that reason, terrified that 'fessing up will cause either awful pain, or outright rejection, or both. We fear alienating those we love, and destroying relationships and marriages, because although you are accepting and tolerant of your SO, many, many people still see crossdressing as a mental disease, as something appalling, and perverted.

The problem is simple- once you have The Talk, you can never un-say it. Of course many of us are terrified- it might cost us our marriages, our families, maybe our jobs- we fear rejection, and we fear losing all we've built, all we love. I'm sad that you jump to the conclusion that this implies we are somehow invalidating our SOs-to me it implies nothing of the sort.

(3) Many of us have striven for decades to walk away from the compulsion, and to 'man up'. Isha's many heartfelt threads are a good example. Many have come to crossdressing late in life, decades after marriage, and been hit by this lightning bolt that we did not ask for or expect. Some have no doubt gone into marriage because it was expected of them by family and society, desperate to conform, to be accepted, to be 'normal', having resolved to leave early crossdressing experiments behind, only to find years later that the repression is strangling us. You know better than most that getting out of an imperfect marriage is easier said than done, especially when kids are part of the equation. You're right- of course we 'should' be able to tell our spouses everything, to have no secrets, but the sad fact is that many of us do not feel confident that our spouses or SOs have what it takes to be able to handle it. That judgment appears to anger you, and it's true that not giving them the benefit of the doubt is a judgment- but years or decades into a relationship, we might feel we have a pretty shrewd idea of the reaction we can expect. Frowns of disapproval or ridicule at a character in a movie, reactions to an obviously effeminate man in public, etc, there are clues which inform us of how another person feels and thinks.

You claim in effect that 'if they can't handle it, why remain together'. That's pretty judgmental, isn't it? With entire lives and families, as well as deep financial entanglements at stake, dropping that bombshell is certainly cause for worry.

(4) "...how dare you deny this woman who you claim to love, respect and want to protect..." Wow- get off your feminist high horse! Yes, some of us are egocentric, narcissistic, self-centred, but isn't that true of plenty of straight people, both male and female? We make plenty of noise here because it's safe, but outside in the real world we face being laughed at, spat at, possibly attacked, discriminated against, ridiculed, rejected by those we call friends, by family, our fellow workers; we live in a twilight world of weirdness and wonder, halfway between two worlds, and frankly it often sucks. The internet is an imperfect beast- SOs and newbies who stumble on to this site will find all sorts of people here, and all sorts of advice. It's up to them to make of it what they will- for me it's been an absolute lifeline, and some of the most absorbing reading has been from the small number of gg SOs, yourself included.

The sad truth is that many of us will never move beyond DADT because our SOs just can't handle it. And perhaps in some cases neither can we.

And so we go on.

[Sierra_juliette]

Okay, although I respect your opinions, I am by no means on a feminist high horse and frankly saying such just reaffirms my original irritation. How is it that a thousand crossdressers can post things about hiding and lying to SO's and get support yet when I post from an SO's viewpoint, and a major supporter of the open minded world of cross dressing, post suggesting or flat out saying yall are doing more harm than good I am the bad guy?

And as far as my comment goes, YES! How dare anyone, treat their life partner with such lack of caring and respect. Yes I mean exactly what I say. What it seems no one has addressed from my post is what the SO is going to go through if you pass away and she finds this hidden life? Not one critic of my post has even hinted at this! This, this is my point! On top of the grief of losing you, she is now losing you again, with no ability to ask you questions to get answers. Because guess what, I guarantee no matter what without being able to ask those things she will forever doubt the life you shared, wonder if you were actually cheating, if you ever loved her, and a million other things she will never get answers to.

This is my biggest problem with hiding it

[Stephanie Julianna]

That's as straight forward as i have heard here from a GG. Thanks. We really do need a reality check at times.

[mykell]

This is far from a marketing idea, nor am I trying to line everyone up in a row and call it all the same type of crossdresser. What I am saying is that it is frustrating as all heck to read so many people in this forum complain that their wife restricts them, has certain feelings about his dressing, is understanding etc, yet I have not seen one person 'stand up' and say 'she may be restricting me, requiring DADT, but she stays by my side'. I hear/read a whole lot of why cant the world accept us as we are, yet you (figuratively) do not accept your SO for how she is, accept that she doesn't want to see it, or has boundaries.

But alas, I see that no matter how I explain it, I am preaching/ranting to an audience that doesn't want an opinion from an 'outsider'. So I leave you with this, the world will never accept you until you accept you, period. Homosexuality didn't become 'mainstream accepted' because society woke up one day and said 'hey we were wrong, these people are okay and deserve to be happy' it changed because people stepped out of the closet and said I am proud of who I am as a person and who I choose to love has no bearing on that. It won't be until CDers step out of the shadow and out of the closet and say we are people, good people and how we dress will not change the good person that you have known.

i cant speak for all here, but i have done nothing but thank my wife for staying with me and choose to live within the fact that she does not want to see it or participate.
its a learning curve and has been revisited but im at a belief that she must be involved if conditions are changed....

as far as walking out of the shadows (song in my signature) i just checked and we are just shy of 26,000 members with 5,000 active members, if we all decided to step out all at once at the same time i doubt that anyone would notice, no news choppers, camera's following, just another day....

im far from the poster person for transgender awareness but i try my best to represent and feel that our collective "baby steps" will invoke the change in acceptance that i feel we all strive for.....i hope you feel the love....lots of support for your thoughts....


1-24-15 post #6 http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...-Response-Only

this was a resent one, i have others and im sure other members do too....

[Kate Simmons]

The only thing I'm going to say is I agree with most of what Sierra posted and I'm a CDer.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

SJ- You seem a bit defensive- nobody remotely thinks you're the bad guy for saying what you think, plenty even agree with you. Surely you know that your contributions as a gg SO are highly valued- I've told you that myself and so have plenty of others.

But if I disagree with you I'm going to tell you, and that has nothing to do with your sex, it's just an honest response to a particular thread. I felt your accusative statement "...how dare you..." was inflammatory in the sense of implying a criticism of us as men for failing to behave as you think we should. Labelling it as feminist was foolish, now you probably think I'm out to get you- I'm not- I think you're great. But I do think you've got a lot of emotion invested in what you say and that you are making sweeping generalisations.

The death thing- I've already answered you in effect- if there are among us some who are too terrified of the potential repercussions of outing ourselves to do so, then it's sad, but it's just the way it is. One could say it's the SO's tough luck, it's life- sometimes you just don't get to have it all work out perfectly. People drown, planes crash, kids die at 6 days, a man spends 40 years on death row for a crime he didn't commit- sh*t happens.

The not-telling is often the expression of a very plausible fear of destroying lives, starting with our own, and rippling outwards to SO, kids, family, friends, job, perhaps church circle- it's endless. You can't just say "I don't care, you should tell, it's a lie otherwise' - it's idealistic and IMO naive, and it's a total judgment. Just because you've found it in your heart to accept your SO, doesn't mean to say every SO will, and although I'm out to mine, I do not begin to judge someone who hasn't been able to. We can love our SO but at the same time recognise their limitations.

[Stephanie47]

Sierra, I like posts such as your because they make me think. Your posts and others bring out the reality of cross dressing. I agree with many points you made. If you have read some of my postings I truly dislike those on this forum that truly force their wives to accept their cross dressing. I have said many times I liken it to mental spousal abuse. I'm in a Don't Ask, Don't Tell marriage. My wife knows, but, after we had "the talk" and settled into our comfort zone, there has been no further discussion. So when I pass away she will find my attire. She will probably wonder what the heck was going on in my mind, but, it has been her choice to not want any further discussion after "the talk" decades ago. I don't consider it "sneaking around" because I am more than willing to have light discussions rather than always wondering if she will ever throw an anti-cross dressing tirade. After forty plus years of marriage, she knows who I am in every other way. She knows my inner feelings and how killing people has affected me Yet, something like cross dressing is not suitable material for a discussion. I sense it is manly to have killed people, yet, this "manly" man, who has done things society asked me to do and gives me approval for doing it, feels I am less of a man for occasionally wanting to wear a dress. I understand what's going on. So, during the week I do go to therapy for killing people, yet, discussion about cross dressing is kind of limited to the anonymous people on this forum.

How did I learn to fear being identified as a cross dresser. Well, back in the 1950's and 1960's to be a cross dresser was to be labeled a "faggot, queer, fruit" and other terms. You were subject to arrest, getting beat up, lose your job, be drummed out of the military (you know those guys who asked me to kill for them). I heard from my parents about gays. It was not pleasant. So, like killing people, you hide your feelings. Nobody wanted to hear about who you really are. At least not until now.

So, before the Internet, what did I ever hear or read. I heard my wife and her cousin talk in whispers about a couple several houses down the block who were getting a divorce because he was a cross dresser. Yuck! How could a woman stay with a cross dresser? Yikes! And, I read a news report about a fire in my neighborhood. I still remember the guys name. The cross dressing denials and treatment he received from whoever was so intense he set his house on fire, sat is his easy chair fully en femme, and shot at responding fire fighters who tried to put the fire out. the newspaper reported his charred body was found wearing strap on pumps. Yes, there was and still is real genuine fear of cross dressing.

I don't know what the answer to your post. The issue that has had contributed the most stress in my marriage, and, the most adverse consequences to my marriage concerns my wife's secrets. Her issues happened way before I met her. She blurted them out one day. I thought I could handle it. I can and do, but, she is still consumed by her issues. Yet, she lives in her closet with hers. I live in my closet with mine.

I wonder many times why did the woman down the street divorce her husband because he was a cross dresser. My wife? She told me a long time ago that she wished she had not told me of her pre marriage issues, because, she would have been able to walk away from our marriage. She stayed because I had accepted her for things that are a hell of a lot worse than cross dressing. I've always found that conversation interesting.

[Sierra_juliette]

Stephanie,
I understand the fear and the darkness of the stigma that comes with dressing, I just hope that some day life is easier for us all.

The first time my husband had the courage to go out in public it was with me by his side, hand in hand. Had anyone said anything negative or gave him cross looks, I honestly don't know what wrath would have come from my lips. I applaud you and others who live in a DADT relationship. I know that it cannot be easy however it puts it on the table and if in the end she has questions, she had the chance to ask- not just tough luck you'll never know.

[Claire Cook]

Hi Sierra (wasn't that a Bogart movie?),

Many thanks for your posts and sharing part of your story; we need to listen to and think about GG perspectives. I for one do want opinions from "outsiders" (surely you are not one!). Let me say first that I am so touched by your story; you are coming from places most of us can't possibly identify with. It's a wonder to me that you have survived as you have.

I have two points, both of which have been made before. The first is Isha's, and others. We are all different, with different reasons for CD'ing, and different levels of CD'ing / being TG. Factor into that the fact that GF's / wives / SO's are also different (with differing internal reactions to seeing their men in female clothes) and that no two relationships are exactly the same, and we come up with the obvious: there are no hard and fast rules about whether, how and how much to tell our GF's / wives / SO's. While I am a firm believer that we owe it to them to be honest and communicate with them (I told my wife many years ago.. yes, we've been together for 45+ years and no, I am not transitioning), I appreciate the fact that there are some women who simply cannot handle this. Therein lies the real bind.


The other point is one that is all too common in blogs and social media websites: it so easy to fire off a post or a response without having given it sufficient thought, or perhaps as an emotional reaction, and I think that some of diversity in responses we see in posts may come from this.

And I think the last sentence in your last post should be something we CD'ers / TG'ers should really take to heart.

Thanks and hugs,

Claire

[Tina_gm]

I agree in principle with what you are venting about. One thing I would say to both many CDers and many S/o's of CDers is that there is more drama and more difficulty made out of the situation than need be. There is also expectations that are wrongly placed of and to CDers and their S/O's.

While there is a vocal minority who will attempt to cast a vision to a new CDer who is just coming to grips about it all that it is a one way street that will lead eventually to transition, most do not say that, not even most TS people. And even for those who do say that, yes, initially it may cause some unneeded confusion or even fear of a new person in the beginning stages of their own acceptance. They will come to their own point of balance I believe, even if at 1st they may think they are gonna end up transitioning. When it comes to the moment of truth, they will likely not go all the way into SRS. They just won't want to give up a part of them that is masculine, and the male identity they do have. It doesn't go away anymore than the feminine part does.

Where I am most frustrated, is when I see posts which encourage trickery and deceit, or that we must ever push greater acceptance upon our partners. Also because they love us, they must love it. I love my wife to death, but there are things about her that I do not like, and never will. Vice Versa and not just the CD aspect of me. I believe there are some on here who are mistaking acceptance and liking something. They are accepting if they have full knowledge of it and still choose to stay. I know though that there are some S/O's who do get into unnecessary power trips and do feel that their CD partner must shed the CDing for them. Even if they do shed the dressing, the desire cannot be shed, and any S/O who has an expectation of the desire lessening or being cast out entirely will always be gravely dissapointed.

I do so agree about how much it is important to tell. I firmly believe that as difficult as the dressing aspect of us who dress is, the greatest difficulty faced is the broken trust and the hurt from not being told, not being trusted with our inner most selves. We who keep the secret may do so to protect and whatever, but what we are most protecting is ourselves. But we mostly end up causing far more grief by not telling. Years of painstaking cover up, lying, paranoia, close calls etc etc. Then, when we either do tell or get discovered, it causes a serious rift in the relationship we strived for so long not to cause a rift in, or lose. So it becomes a lose lose in the end. If we tell early on when there is no harm no foul, it is more likely that our perspective future partner will be ok with it, to experience it anyway. It is more likely they will find a comfort zone around us and our needs and desires. We literally cause are own lack of dressing in our own home due to not telling. I know, I am one who did this to myself.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

If we tell early on when there is no harm no foul, it is more likely that our perspective future partner will be ok with it...

But what about the many who come to this late in life, decades into a marriage? I've read enough examples here to know that not all had the urge when they were young, and a great many others honestly thought they could 'man up' and push the feelings away.

It's just not straight forward for many of us, not the black and white issue that SJ seems to believe it is.

[TinaZ]

Many here already have responded the way I would have, but I will contribute this: my freshman year in college at the University of Nebraska (where the N stands for knowledge) I was in a sociology course and we were discussing race. A girl from North Dakota remarked about loving our diverse college campus. To which most of responded, "Huh?" As you can imagine, NU is pretty white bread.

Turns out this girl had never in her life seen a Black person. So she was asked what percentage of the student population she believed was African American. She put it at 35 to 40 percent. In actuality, it was maybe 5. It was a classic case of "confirmation bias," which is something all of us do.

Your depiction of this site, I think, is similar. You might not believe me, but if you literally open five random threads and count the number of times someone responds the way you described, I guarantee the number will be far fewer than you imagine.

I had a good ol' freak out about 3 weeks ago, and asked this community for help. I don't recall one response telling me I was on the path to transition. I remember person after person after person consoling me and saying I needed to try to find balance between all aspects of life. If an SO stumbled into that thread I'd be more than proud of the level headed assurances she would read.